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    « Flogometer for CA—would you turn the page? | Main | Flogometer for Cara—would you turn the page? »

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    Comments

    Chris

    There is much to like here. I enjoyed the tone, the setting is intriguing, and the protag Liu Jie seems interesting and complex.

    But Ray's basic comment still holds true for me: There's just not quite enough to captivate me enough to turn the page. It's very close though -- only a few tweaks and I'm hooked.

    I agree that the second part does offer more action, but I don't know if we have to go all the way to the (almost) BOPO ("Body On Page One") opening to make it turn-worthy. There are hints of danger and drama in the opening -- simply expand on them: Why does Jie have blood under his cuticles? Have these people been in a battle? What's at risk? What are they protecting Jie and his family from? Add a few more discrete elements of the risk, drama, and danger involved here, and I'd be compelled.

    Overall, the writing is pretty solid, but I noticed a few mjinor things. For example:

    "...his guards and family longed for a respite..." This is telling -- how do we know they "longed" for it? If we're in a close POV with Jie, how would he be able to tell? Give us a focused picture that allows the reader to make the conclusion himself.

    Again, this is very good -- it just needs a little initial focus on the danger, risk, and stakes at hand to elevate the drama, IMO.

    Victoria Dixon

    Thanks to both of you for the comments! I just don't know what to do - last year I had around 30 comments from Amazon Breakthrough Novel competitors and the vote was 2/3 of the readers preferred the book when I did NOT start with the discovery in the orchard. They felt too rushed into the action.

    I will certainly take the comments as far as outlining the risks to heart, but I think I need a break. I'm just too close to see this thing clearly right now. Sigh. Thanks again!

    Ray Rhamey

    Did the Amazon readers see two versions? And try to keep in mind that the goal is to hook a very busy and jaded agent or editor. Amazon readers may be a different breed of reader.

    Rebecca

    If this is historical fiction (not romance or mystery or suspense), then I would leave the opening the way it is. I thought it was very well-written, and I would have turned the page.

    But if it's more genre fiction, where the audience expects more action, then I like the second set of sixteen lines. But all in all, don't give up. I am very interested to see what happens next in this book!

    Victoria Dixon

    Yes, the Amazon readers saw both versions. I wouldn't have made the change without that comparison and I do think the opening section has improved from the changes I made. However, Rebecca makes an excellent point and one I had not considered. This is what I would label Historical Fantasy. It would have crossover appeal to both types of readers. I'm certainly not going to give up entirely as I refuse to throw 16 years of my life away. But stepping away might give me much-needed perspective. I'll try again in a few weeks and pray the agent currently reading it is forgiving. ;D
    Thank you, Ray, Chris and Rebecca! You've given me a lot to think on.

    Renee Yancy

    I love historical novels that take me to another time and place and this one does it. I would turn the page and keep reading.

    I agree with Ray and Chris that you could ramp up the tension a bit more in those opening lines. Maybe give us a sentence in internal monologue that would give us a better hint - who did he kill? How many?

    One last picky item - " an unrolled silk scroll". I don't think you need "unrolled". If you said a silk scroll was hanging on a wall I think everyone would know unconsciously that it was unrolled. As far as I know you wouldn't hang an unrolled silk scroll - it would look funny!

    Janet

    I think I prefer this new beginning to sixteen pages in. However, I liked Ray's cuts, and I do think you could easily increase the tension . . . maybe indicate why they're seeking the emperor. Or what about hearing a reaction to the scroll, even from other men.

    Having read beyond this page, this is much more relevant to the book as a whole than the dead body (even though that's important, too).

    It's a delicate balance isn't it? Hooking that editor/agent and being true to the book. Keep it up, and good luck! You write beautifully.

    Ray Rhamey

    Victoria, don't be discouraged. As we know, this is all subjective. But the first-page test is worthy of consideration. What I'm basically saying is to work more tension in the opening. It's absolutely possible to world-build within the context of a scene that includes tension. And why not do that if you can?

    Victoria Dixon

    Thanks, Ray! I understand & agree with you as far as increasing tension. The idea of trying to put the body first is enough to make me pull hair, but the tension I can manage. LOL

    Thanks for pointing that out, Renee. You're right, the word is not needed. And thanks for the vote of confidence! ;D

    hope101

    Victoria, the second beginning was too abrupt for me as well.

    I was very close to turning the first page, and with a few minor changes, I would feel compelled to do so. You have an exotic locale, the hint of big stakes to come, and an enjoyable voice. I'd suggest you just work on the microtension.

    IMO, I think it helps to parse out the setting as you infuse story questions.
    Here's a clumsy example, and not even remotely in your voice, but it might give you some ideas:

    As the tamped earth facade of a modest inn came into view, Liu Jie ceased to pick at the blood in his cuticles. He straightened in the saddle and took a deep breath of peach-scented air.

    Reaching the Emporer was urgent, but his party grew weary from the endless travel and bandit attacks. Better a night or two behind a sturdy wooden gait, than a fatal mistake.

    He swivelled in the saddle and signalled the guards. "We stop here."

    And so on...

    Anyway, good luck with this.

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