Flogometer for Victoria—would you turn the page?

"Is this [The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles] horror? Would you call The Munsters horror? Of course not. But it's cheesy, campy, and hilariously funny. There's even a Garth Marenghi feel in a few rare places. Rhamey knows how to write a slick story that draws you in. I'm dying to read the next in the series. "

An Amazon.com review.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Here are Victoria’s opening lines:

Weary of killing, Liu Jie picked at the blood in his cuticles as he swayed in the saddle. Behind him, his guards and family longed for a respite from travel and skirmishes with bandits.

An inn with a modest tamped-earth façade stood amid a peach orchard they passed and the smell of fermenting fruit brought to mind an old proverb: Wars do not erupt over cups of rice wine. The imperial highway they traveled continued into the walled town beyond the inn, but Jie preferred the countryside. He signaled to stop. "We'll rest here for a few days."

"My lord, let me – " a guard protested as Jie dismounted outside the inn's courtyard gate. The rigid wood spoke of sturdy safety. He opened it. Guards carried his wife and son's sedan chair into the courtyard and Mei raised her eyebrows when Jie helped her from the stuffy litter.

"We cannot reach the Emperor if the men are too tired to protect us," he murmured.

Mei nodded, smoothed her graying hair and adjusted Shan's belt before they entered.

To Jie's right, six farmers in worn hemp robes gathered around an unrolled silk scroll mounted on the wall. He read it in a glance.

"The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men as sons might come to their father. Yellow Turban rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report." A crimson Imperial Chop blazed in a corner.

Nice stuff, but needs a hook
The opening paragraph was full of enticing bits, but then the narrative settled down to arriving at an inn and exposition. The scene is nicely set, and there are story questions, but we see no impact on the protagonist’s life or any change in behavior for him—fundamentally, I passed because of a lack of tension; I felt no particular need to know what happened next. After some notes, I’ll show you something from later in the chapter that would have kept me reading.

Weary of killing, Liu Jie picked at the blood in his cuticles as he swayed in the saddle. Behind him, his guards and family longed for a respite from travel and skirmishes with bandits. (Nicely done, tells us a lot very efficiently, hints of danger.)

An inn with a modest tamped-earth façade stood amid a peach orchard they passed and the smell of fermenting fruit brought to mind an old proverb: Wars do not erupt over cups of rice wine. The imperial highway they traveled continued into the walled town beyond the inn, but Jie preferred the countryside. He signaled to stop. "We'll rest here for a few days." (The “amid” bothered me. It doesn’t seem like you can be amid a singular thing, in this case an orchard. You could be amid peach trees, but an orchard? This sets a scene nicely, but lacks tension, which could be provided by the protagonist’s experience—but here he just has a preference, not a need.)

"My lord, let me – " a guard protested as Jie dismounted outside the inn's courtyard gate. The rigid wood spoke of sturdy safety. He opened it. Guards carried his wife and son's sedan chair into the courtyard and Mei raised her eyebrows when Jie helped her from the stuffy litter. (The part I cut did go to characterization, but very subtly, and I felt most of it contributed little to what is happening.)

"We cannot reach the Emperor if the men are too tired to protect us," he murmured. (This may hint at fighting ahead, but he doesn’t seem too worried about it, so I’m not.)

Mei nodded, smoothed her graying hair and adjusted Shan's belt before they entered. (Even though the presence of a son is mentioned, this name isn’t easily connected without a little more context, I think.)

To Jie's right, six farmers in worn hemp robes gathered around an unrolled silk scroll mounted on the wall. He read it in a glance.

"The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men as sons might come to their father. Yellow Turban rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report." A crimson Imperial Chop blazed in a corner. (Without having Jie’s reaction to this poster, it doesn’t really have much impact for me.)

Here are 16 lines from later in the story. Do you think this would make a better opening page?

The inn door slammed open and Shan rushed inside.

Jie smiled as his son looked around the room as if all the demons of hell chased him. After all, he was eight.

Then Shan found him, and white-eyed horror filled his son's face.

"Papa, come outside. There's a body!" Shan said. "A dead boy is in the garden."

Breath left Jie as if his son had struck him, but he jumped to his feet. "Show me." They ran out the door. His eyes adjusted to the dark as he rushed beyond the golden light spilling from the inn's latticed windows.

A body. A dead boy. Jie's chest tightened, but he kept running through the courtyard's gate.

Within the orchard, autumn leaves chattered like the river that brings the dead to hell. Did his ghosts crowd him now?

"Over here, Papa!" Shan gestured ahead.

Jie's robes slapped against his legs. He slipped on fallen peaches and the smell of sour wine enveloped him. Each cold breath was visible as he left the orchard and reached the garden. At last, he slid to his knees beside the body of an emaciated teenage boy. Jie put his ear to the boy's chest. It rose. Air squeaked from blue lips.

The writing is strong and clean, so Victoria has what she needs to tell a good story -- but needs to get the story as soon as possible.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Chris]

There is much to like here. I enjoyed the tone, the setting is intriguing, and the protag Liu Jie seems interesting and complex.

But Ray's basic comment still holds true for me: There's just not quite enough to captivate me enough to turn the page. It's very close though -- only a few tweaks and I'm hooked.

I agree that the second part does offer more action, but I don't know if we have to go all the way to the (almost) BOPO ("Body On Page One") opening to make it turn-worthy. There are hints of danger and drama in the opening -- simply expand on them: Why does Jie have blood under his cuticles? Have these people been in a battle? What's at risk? What are they protecting Jie and his family from? Add a few more discrete elements of the risk, drama, and danger involved here, and I'd be compelled.

Overall, the writing is pretty solid, but I noticed a few mjinor things. For example:

"...his guards and family longed for a respite..." This is telling -- how do we know they "longed" for it? If we're in a close POV with Jie, how would he be able to tell? Give us a focused picture that allows the reader to make the conclusion himself.

Again, this is very good -- it just needs a little initial focus on the danger, risk, and stakes at hand to elevate the drama, IMO.

[Victoria Dixon]

Thanks to both of you for the comments! I just don't know what to do - last year I had around 30 comments from Amazon Breakthrough Novel competitors and the vote was 2/3 of the readers preferred the book when I did NOT start with the discovery in the orchard. They felt too rushed into the action.

I will certainly take the comments as far as outlining the risks to heart, but I think I need a break. I'm just too close to see this thing clearly right now. Sigh. Thanks again!

[Ray Rhamey]

Did the Amazon readers see two versions? And try to keep in mind that the goal is to hook a very busy and jaded agent or editor. Amazon readers may be a different breed of reader.

[Rebecca]

If this is historical fiction (not romance or mystery or suspense), then I would leave the opening the way it is. I thought it was very well-written, and I would have turned the page.

But if it's more genre fiction, where the audience expects more action, then I like the second set of sixteen lines. But all in all, don't give up. I am very interested to see what happens next in this book!

[Victoria Dixon]

Yes, the Amazon readers saw both versions. I wouldn't have made the change without that comparison and I do think the opening section has improved from the changes I made. However, Rebecca makes an excellent point and one I had not considered. This is what I would label Historical Fantasy. It would have crossover appeal to both types of readers. I'm certainly not going to give up entirely as I refuse to throw 16 years of my life away. But stepping away might give me much-needed perspective. I'll try again in a few weeks and pray the agent currently reading it is forgiving. ;D
Thank you, Ray, Chris and Rebecca! You've given me a lot to think on.

[Renee Yancy]

I love historical novels that take me to another time and place and this one does it. I would turn the page and keep reading.

I agree with Ray and Chris that you could ramp up the tension a bit more in those opening lines. Maybe give us a sentence in internal monologue that would give us a better hint - who did he kill? How many?

One last picky item - " an unrolled silk scroll". I don't think you need "unrolled". If you said a silk scroll was hanging on a wall I think everyone would know unconsciously that it was unrolled. As far as I know you wouldn't hang an unrolled silk scroll - it would look funny!

[Janet]

I think I prefer this new beginning to sixteen pages in. However, I liked Ray's cuts, and I do think you could easily increase the tension . . . maybe indicate why they're seeking the emperor. Or what about hearing a reaction to the scroll, even from other men.

Having read beyond this page, this is much more relevant to the book as a whole than the dead body (even though that's important, too).

It's a delicate balance isn't it? Hooking that editor/agent and being true to the book. Keep it up, and good luck! You write beautifully.

[Ray Rhamey]

Victoria, don't be discouraged. As we know, this is all subjective. But the first-page test is worthy of consideration. What I'm basically saying is to work more tension in the opening. It's absolutely possible to world-build within the context of a scene that includes tension. And why not do that if you can?

[Victoria Dixon]

Thanks, Ray! I understand & agree with you as far as increasing tension. The idea of trying to put the body first is enough to make me pull hair, but the tension I can manage. LOL

Thanks for pointing that out, Renee. You're right, the word is not needed. And thanks for the vote of confidence! ;D

[hope101]

Victoria, the second beginning was too abrupt for me as well.

I was very close to turning the first page, and with a few minor changes, I would feel compelled to do so. You have an exotic locale, the hint of big stakes to come, and an enjoyable voice. I'd suggest you just work on the microtension.

IMO, I think it helps to parse out the setting as you infuse story questions.
Here's a clumsy example, and not even remotely in your voice, but it might give you some ideas:

As the tamped earth facade of a modest inn came into view, Liu Jie ceased to pick at the blood in his cuticles. He straightened in the saddle and took a deep breath of peach-scented air.

Reaching the Emporer was urgent, but his party grew weary from the endless travel and bandit attacks. Better a night or two behind a sturdy wooden gait, than a fatal mistake.

He swivelled in the saddle and signalled the guards. "We stop here."

And so on...

Anyway, good luck with this.