Flogometer for Renee—would you turn the page?

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But first, a review from Amazon that I enjoyed.

" Not a vampire fan, not a cat lover, but I was thoroughly entertained by this novel. I read it in about 3 sittings stolen from a hectic schedule. Most novels I read do not catch hold of me that well. I recommend it. Good read. Good entertainment."

A sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Renee’s opening lines:

Every step forced the iron cuff deeper into the raw flesh of her ankle.

Eleri stumbled toward the dark hole that led to the belly of the ship. All night she had been herded through the forest with the other captives, pushed and goaded by men with blood-stained swords. Only at dawn had they been allowed a brief rest. The women had crumpled to the ground like the night-blooming moonflowers that wilt at the first touch of the sun.

Then the pace had become even more merciless over the faint trail that led to the sea. The foreign ship waited there, hidden in one of the small coves that dotted the coastline of Eriu. Now open water lay ahead. Soon the sun would disappear into the west just as the green hills of Eriu had already vanished behind her.

Eleri stifled a groan. It didn't seem possible that only yesterday Patrick had baptized her in the cool waters of the spring.

She struggled to keep her balance on the tilting deck, aware of the calculating looks aimed at the tall blonde girl in front of her. Despite a disheveled tunic and dirty face, the girl held her head high, ignoring the coarse remarks of their captors. A ferret-faced pirate with an air of authority waited at the head of the line, watching the girl's haughty demeanor with a narrowed gaze. When she reached him, he thrust out his arm to bar her path and tapped a leather whip against his thigh.

I wanted more of this story

There are a lot of things to like about this narrative: a good, clear voice; clean, crisp writing; a sympathetic character; an exotic world to experience; tension; and story questions. What’s going to happen to Eleri, and to the girl in front of her? These few lines are packed with jeopardy to come. Notes:

Every step forced the iron cuff deeper into the raw flesh of her ankle.

Eleri stumbled toward the dark hole that led to the belly of the ship. All night she had been herded through the forest with the other captives, pushed and goaded by men with blood-stained swords. Only at dawn had they been allowed a brief rest. The women had crumpled to the ground like the night-blooming moonflowers that wilt at the first touch of the sun. (As nicely done as the description is here, it’s what’s happening on the deck of this ship that’s important, so I suggest cutting this and a little from the next sentence to make the pace crisper and get more story on the first page.)

Then the The pace had become even more been merciless over the faint trail that led to the sea. The foreign ship waited there, hidden in one of the small coves that dotted the coastline of Eriu. Now open water lay ahead. Soon the sun would disappear into the west just as the green hills of Eriu had already vanished behind her.

Eleri stifled a groan. It didn't seem possible that only yesterday Patrick had baptized her in the cool waters of the spring. (Nice way to weave in a snippet of important backstory.)

She struggled to keep her balance on the tilting deck, aware of the calculating looks aimed at the tall blonde girl in front of her. Despite a disheveled tunic and dirty face, the girl held her head high, ignoring the coarse remarks of their captors. A ferret-faced pirate with an air of authority waited at the head of the line, watching the girl's haughty demeanor with a narrowed gaze. When she reached him, he thrust out his arm to bar her path and tapped a leather whip against his thigh. (I think we could use just a little scene-setting here—how many men are there? There are captors and remarks, but how many men? What do they look like to her (briefly)? Also, while it might be necessary to summarize with “coarse remarks,” what about actually hearing one from, let’s say, the ferret-faced pirate? That would add to characterization of the pirates, and to Eleri as she reacts. Involve us in her experience, don’t report what’s going on. One last thought: how about more sensory details? Seems like there should be smells--dirty men, blood, sweat, the sea.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Aimee Laine]

I said 'no' BUT ... not because of the writing or the story that is clearly coming. :) That was GREAT! This time, it's more a personal thing ... based on this opening, *I* wouldn't want to read it, so I'm just your "wrong" reader. :) But taking ME out of the picture ... absolutely.

[kathy]

I agree with everything Ray said. I was taken out of the story by moonflowers, it just seemed out of place among the darkness of the descriptions.
I did vote yes, it sounds like an action packed story.
Good luck

[Deb]

I definitely would read on and agree with Ray's cuts & Kathy. The moonflower bit did pull me out.

Let us know when it's published. Sounds like something I would like to read.

[Jean]

Loved this! I liked the description of the moonflowers, but I was more intersted in what was going on in the now so I'm going to agree with Ray as to dropping it. This sounds like a great story that I would like to read more of. :)

[WDW]

Pretty good! Thanks!! Reminds me of Wilbur Smith; in style a bit, in content a bit more. And I like his style and content. :)

[Botanist]

When I open a book, one of the things I'm looking for in the opening paragraphs is a feeling of confidence in the writer. Confidence that I will be carried effortlessly into another world, that I will enjoy the experience, and that my investment in time will not be wasted.

Here, I had that confidence. Well done Renee.

[Margo Kelly]

Well done. I enjoyed the writing. The only two places I paused were the moonflowers and Eriu. For me, it's confusing to have the m.c. named Eleri and the location Eriu. Too similar.

[Jon]

Hiya, Renee.

I was JUSTTHISCLOSE to voting yes, but not quite hooked.

The writing is excellent (the moonflowers line seemed a little bulky, though), the setup similarly excellent. I really, really, wanted to want to turn the page.

For some reason, though, I didn't engage. Very likely it's because I don't know anything about her after page 1 other than that she's a woman, now enslaved, and now Christian. Maybe contributing was the starting-with-history, maybe contributing in a much lesser extent was the big blocks of paragraphs. But really, I feel bad for the girl, but I had no personal engagement with the character and thus no particular reason to care what happens to her. What -was- here was excellent, but it's what wasn't here that I think I needed in order to care.

Good luck with this piece. Thanks for sharing!

-j

[hope101]

I absolutely would have turned the page for this story. Like Botanist, I believed this voice, this world, and that the rest of the tale will contain the kind of stakes I'm being given on the first page.

That said, Renee, starting with "Only at Dawn" and ending with the green hills that had vanished behind her, for me you broke the deep 3rd POV. That's why the moonflowers, for me, while poetic, doesn't belong as written. (Even assuming your MC would think such a poetic thought.)

I'd like to see you slip this in, if required, in the same way you did in baptized sentence that Ray pointed out. That's, IMO, giving relevant history that pertains to present events while still maintaining the POV.

For instance, after the blood-stained swords sentence, you might say something like, "If she had to take a ladder down into that gaping maw, she'd be in trouble. The brief rest they had been allowed at dawn hadn't been sufficient, and her legs trembled with fatigue."

Anyway, for this reader, a very promising beginning.

[Doug]

A pretty good opening. What follows are minor comments.

Was there a reason to start at the ship and go immediately into flashback? I'd rather see the story moving forward in time: through the forest, the rest stop at dawn, across the faint trail, and onto the ship.

The time of day is a bit confusing, and Ray's cuts make it worse. You start out talking about nighttime, and suddenly the sun is setting. The lines that Ray cut at least mentioned dawn occurring along the way.

The phrase "dotted the coastline" is a bit cliché.

The "Now open water lay ahead" confused me. It sounded like maybe the ship is under way, but nothing was really said about that. Maybe she's just referring to the ocean. I don't know. I suspect this line is intended to indicate that it's a common ocean-going ship as opposed to a space-ship or some such. Also, I could do without the word "now", and "soon" in the following sentence.

The "stifled a groan" didn't work for me. I don't know why. In part, I thought it seemed masculine. In part, it makes her seem passive and resigned to the situation (which I assume she isn't).

The two references to Eriu in the third paragraph are probably one too many. I agree with Margo that the names Eleri and Eriu are close enough to slow the reader down.

Aha! A participial phrase I can pick on: "the girl held her head high, ignoring the coarse remarks of their captors" would probably be better as "the girl held her head high and ignored the coarse remarks of their captors".

And another in the following sentence: "pirate... waited at the head of the line, watching the girl's haughty demeanor with a narrowed gaze." I'd reword it as "pirate... waited at the head of the line. He watched the girl's haughty demeanor with a narrowed gaze".

By the way, I'm not sure where "the head of the line" is. The last I remember, Eleri was headed toward a hold or some such.

I agree with Ray that at least a rough indication of how many captives there are, how many men are herding them to the ship, and how many more are visible on the ship, would be helpful to know. Also, one of the lines that Ray cut suggested that the captives are all women. Are the captors all men?

And I agree with Jon that it'd be nice to be a bit more engaged with Eleri. As it stands, the first page is "woman in jep", which is enough for a lot of people.