Flogometer for Phil—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Here are Phil’s opening lines:

I never thought I’d find myself at the center of trouble. I wasn’t tough. I wasn’t smart in that way. I never shot a laser pistol. I had no extraordinary courage or nerve. I was just a man with a past that put me in the middle of the trouble. I neither desired it nor wanted to accept it---but did because history plays its jokes. For this I damn history.

The day history caught up with me I was biking my seven laps around what remained of Prospect Park, Brooklyn. It was the middle of February, just shy of the second anniversary of the Great Calamity. What was I doing out there on a bike in bloody middle of February? A reasonable inquiry. One fine day not that long ago I found myself on a table in St. Murray’s emergency room. Cardiologist Murray Levine that is, the man who saved my life. Lying there I suddenly passionately wanted to live past sixty.

As I lay there on the table not insensitive to the fact that I just had narrowly avoided a meeting with the Angel of Death, I took an oath. No more poison masquerading as food. No more cigarettes. No more indolence. I shall sweat daily.

Outdoor exercise had become hazardous in New York City. The authorities continued reporting the existence of bits of radiation and fallout, a gift of the Great Calamity. Then, too, the ozone layer having slimmed down in its down size allowed entry of all manner of space junk into terra.

Would you turn Phill's first page? Be tough. Comments help the writer.survey software


Not off to a good start

While the voice is good and the writing clean, neither managed to create tension for me. The opening tries to foreshadow trouble, but then slips into the character telling us a lot about himself. Showing in a scene would work a whole lot better for this reader.

Then we slip into exposition and backstory about his need for exercise. Not compelling for this reader. The final paragraph hints at an interesting post-apocalyptic world, but that wasn’t enough to hook me. What’s this story about? Surely not about diet and exercise, but that’s what we’re getting. What kind of trouble? How about starting the story when his trouble starts and working whatever is needed of this exposition in later? We need a scene, we need story questions, we need something happening to this guy that changes his life. Notes:

I never thought I’d find myself at the center of trouble. I wasn’t tough. I wasn’t smart in that way. I never shot a laser pistol. I had no extraordinary courage or nerve. I was just a man with a past that put me in the middle of the trouble. I neither desired it nor wanted to accept it---but did because history plays its jokes. For this I damn history. (This is what he thinks of himself, but what is he, actually? I’m not sure I’m interested in reading about a dull-witted wimp—not unless circumstances [story] cause him to lift himself to strength, intelligence, and courage. This opening, however, doesn’t promise anything like that. Why not just start with the trouble?)

The day history caught up with me I was biking my seven laps around what remained of Prospect Park, Brooklyn. It was the middle of February, just shy of the second anniversary of the Great Calamity. What was I doing out there on a bike in bloody middle of February? A reasonable inquiry. One fine day not that long ago I found myself on a table in St. Murray’s emergency room. Cardiologist Murray Levine that is, the man who saved my life. Lying there I suddenly passionately wanted to live past sixty. (We just used 6 lines, over a third, of the opening page to slip into backstory to explain why he’s exercising. Why? As for his rhetorical question, it never occurred to me to wonder why he was on a bike in February—it’s not actually a reasonable inquiry.)

As I lay there on the table, not insensitive to the fact that I just had narrowly avoided a meeting with the Angel of Death, I took an oath. No more poison masquerading as food. No more cigarettes. No more indolence. I shall sweat daily. (What does this have to do with his trouble? What’s the story about?)

Outdoor exercise had become hazardous in New York City. The authorities continued reporting the existence of bits of radiation and fallout, a gift of the Great Calamity. Then, too, the ozone layer having slimmed down in its down size allowed entry of all manner of space junk into terra. (This, while exposition and summary, does introduce a world. But wouldn’t it be better if we experienced it? If this character had to avoid a few blocks of the city or skirt around a building smashed by a fallen old Soviet satellite, we would learn this in a more interesting way that could also tell us about the character, how he feels about this. Where’s the story? By the way, it seems to me that “terra” here might work better if capitalized. Note: repetition of “down” should be avoided.)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Lexi Revellian]

The first paragraph has SEVEN sentences beginning with 'I'.

I felt this extract was dodging about all over the place, maybe trying too hard.

(I bike in February. All year, in fact, though I go to work on the bike rather than round in circles. Made me think the narrator's a wimp, which is not good.)

[Aimee Laine]

I said 'yes' because I'm intrigued by what happened and wanted to know more, but I admit that there is duplication and retelling of the same thing over and over (<-- see?) So from a writing perspective, I felt like I didn't get very far in the words that were presented to me. I wanted to know more, yes, but in fewer words. Good luck!

[TamaraL]

I sense there's a good story coming, but I have to agree with Ray's comments.

It fits with Ray's "story as river" example.

Do give it another shot. Your thoughts seem well-organized and poised for something great.

[Renee Yancy]

It had me for the first 6 lines. Then I thought it trailed off somewhat with too much backstory. I was ready to hear about what the trouble was after line 6 and thought that those sentences gave a great lead in for that.

After that I lost some interest although I still wanted to know what the Great Calamity was.

[Jean]

I wish this story had started when the trouble starts as I like the ideas hinted at here, but currently too much backstory prevents me from wanting to read further. The previously mentioned issue of all the 'I' in the first paragraph is also a deterrent

[Marcel]

I have to second what some have said. There seems to be a good story here (I like the idea of a wimpy guy who can't avoid trouble--tells me that, eventually, trouble will change him as a character). The Great Calamity had a hook in me too. So did the voice. It's the execution that didn't work. Maybe the answer is a scene. I'd like to see this character moving and seeing the aftermath of the Great Calamity as he bikes around the city.

Cardiologist Murray Levine that is, the man who saved my life.

This fragment made no sense to me. It seemed unattached or didn't seem to have a point.

Good luck with the story. There's something there.

[Doug]

For me, I'd cut the first paragraph entirely.

The first sentence of the second paragraph isn't a half-bad opening line, although it's written as reminiscence (backstory). A better construction might be, "I was biking my seven laps around what remained of Prospect Park, Brooklyn, when my history caught up with me."

After that, though, it's all downhill. Two sentences later you directly address the reader--not usually a good idea--and then the reminiscent backstory (was biking) takes us to back-backstory (not that long ago) and then to back-back-backstory (had become hazardous).

Nothing more is said about the trouble mentioned in the first paragraph, and nothing more is said about how history caught up with the protagonist--unless he's about to collapse from another heart attack, which I doubt. Those were the two interesting points, but nothing came of them. It's bait-and-switch writing, and agents don't like being tricked. (Most readers don't, either.)

At the beginning of your story, you should try to give the readers questions, not answers. Build questions on questions, if you can. Make the readers turn the page to try to find out what's going on, and what happens next.

One rule of thumb is to move relentlessly forward in "story time" for at least the first two scenes. Then you can start slipping in a bit of backstory. In those first two scenes, you can use an occasional phrase or description that fills in a bit of backstory, but each sentence should occur in a time frame that is after the preceding sentence.

[jon]

Short comments so I can catch up with the backlog, sorry.

This was a No for me, sorry. Promising first paragraph, but it rambled and rambled and I was afraid it was going to keep doing that for 200 pages :o). Lots of nice little hints at hooks, but it was kinda like trying to land a great white with tackle built for trout. I _wanted_ to care about this character, but, sadly, didn't.

Very decent writing, though. "Properly" focused, this has potential. Good luck! Thanks for sharing!

-j