Flogometer for Marcel—would you turn the page?

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But first, have you watched my book trailer?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Marcel’s prologue’s opening lines:

You crouch in a cluster of sagebrush high in the foothills of the Wasatch Mountains. A peppery odor assails you. The moon is full, but the shadows provide cover. You wear dark clothing so no one can see you.

You place Sunagor binoculars on a tripod. Your heart flutters when you get Salt Lake City’s District Attorney in your sights.

The fucker—that’s what you call him—is in his backyard, squinting at his Bvlgari watch. He sighs and takes in the burnt sienna color over the Great Salt Lake. You think only a downpour could rid the valley of the inversion layer, but for now, the smog gives the evening sky an intense color. You scold yourself for getting sidetracked. You know you should stick to the DA.

He turns toward the groups dotting his lawn. You know they are there to celebrate his birthday. You’ve done your homework. You pan away to see what he sees.

Attorneys and politicians are gathered around a fountain. They shake hands, pat each other’s backs and bare bleached smiles. Along the fence, media people mingle, likely searching for tomorrow’s headline from among the distinguished crowd. You grin. You already have an idea what it will say. The civil servants are huddled next to the pond. Yap, yap, yap. They do what comes naturally.

Tension created, but . . .

There’s a creepy sort of suspense created here, and I would have turned to page to see what happens next. But I also had issues with the narrative in places. Notes:

You crouch in a cluster of sagebrush high in the foothills of the Wasatch Mountains. A peppery odor assails you. The moon is full, but the shadows provide cover. You wear dark clothing so no one can see you. (It’s good to use the senses, but clarity is necessary too. Peppery odor of what? The sagebrush? It’s not clear. If the odor doesn’t have bearing on the story, then at least have the character react to it, and make it clear what is exuding the odor.)

You place Sunagor binoculars on a tripod. Your heart flutters when you get Salt Lake City’s District Attorney in your sights. (I found the use of the brand name distracting. I looked up the brand, and they’re just high-powered binoculars. While detail can create reality, an obscure one such as this—how many of you are familiar with the Sunagor brand—can gum up the works, IMO. Also, is there a reason he’s using a tripod? Is he so far away that he needs to steady the binoculars? If so, this would be good information to include.)

The fucker—that’s what you call him—is in his backyard, squinting at his Bvlgari watch. He sighs and takes in the burnt sienna color over the Great Salt Lake. You think only a downpour could rid the valley of the inversion layer, but for now, the smog gives the evening sky an intense color. You scold yourself for getting sidetracked. You know you should stick to the DA. (I found the “call him” phrase a breach of point of view. I don’t think the character would think this to himself. Once again a brand name. Here, I guess it’s there to show extravagance, but I had to look it up (it’s Italian). But I have a bigger problem with this. I’ve lived in Salt Lake City, and been in the Wasatch foothills, and don’t ever recall a night so bright that you could see pollution in the sky over the lake miles away. It’s night. Even in moonlit nights, it seems to me, the sky is dark even though you may be able to see what’s on the ground. It is especially bright in the high, clear air there, but I don’t see how he could see the sky. Even if Marcel has seen pollution in a night sky, it still doesn't seem credible. Also, it is a sidetrack—why slow the narrative with non-essential detail. This observer should be so intensely focused that things like this wouldn’t intrude, it seems to me.)

He turns toward the groups dotting his lawn. You know they are there to celebrate his birthday. You’ve done your homework. You pan away to see what he sees.

Attorneys and politicians are gathered around a fountain. They shake hands, pat each other’s backs and bare bleached smiles. Along the fence, media people mingle, likely searching for tomorrow’s headline from among the distinguished crowd. You grin. You already have an idea what it will say. The civil servants are huddled next to the pond. Yap, yap, yap. They do what comes naturally.

While there is tension here, I also found myself wishing the narrative would get on with it. While the civil servants are part of the scene, do we need this much of them?)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a line edit/critique of up to 15 pages.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, send me the revision.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Deb]

I liked this, but agree with most of Ray's cuts. Except for somee reason I liked the line "that's what you call him."

I was 100% ready to turn the page to find out what I did!

[Doug]

Second-person PoV: immediate 'no'. Present-tense just added to the turn-off.

I didn't read beyond the second paragraph.

[Jami G.]

I've never read a 2nd person novel - and I probably never will. (To me, all the 'you's are more off-putting than the worst written 1st-person story suffering from the chihuahua disease - I, I, I, I.) So I'm not the best person to comment on the style. :)

However, it brings up the question - why? If you have an absolutely stupendous reason for going that route, then more power to you. If it's just because you think it's cool, interesting, whatever, then I think you're unnecessarily limiting your chances of success. Many publishers won't even think about 1st-person stories, much less 2nd-person. What's more important to you: Getting your story published and having a readership, or keeping the 2nd-person POV? Only you can answer this question. :) Either way, good luck. It sounds like it could be an interesting story.

[TamaraL]

I also vote no on 2nd person. Unless it's a choose-your-own-adventure book.

I'm glad you started in a situation with some tension, not a bunch of backstory. If the main character had some more internal conflict that would be nice.

[hope101]

"Chihuahua disease?" Snort. I needed a beverage alert on that one.

I do not care for 2nd person. First thing I'd do, upon opening this book, is skim to see if there are more than a few pages of prologue, or if the 2nd person POV reappeared later in the book.

If you see it, you close it with a thump. (heh)

That said, I voted to turn.

Although I see Ray's points about setting and time of day, the product names didn't bother me. They didn't really register, either, but they gave me the feeling that social status will be an important theme in this book. (The rest of the passage seemed to echo that.)

I also didn't mind the "that's what you call him" line. In second person, I already feel like I'm being bossed around, so this just seemed like more of the same. It actually made me smile.

I'm assuming an assassination is about to take place. Unless there's something unique about the voyeur, I'd probably prefer this story told from the POV from someone at the party.

[Botanist]

I get a sense of tension here, and of something exciting about to happen. At this point I have no idea who the MC is or what is happening (beyond the likelihood of an assassination) or what the stakes are, but I'd be prepared to read on to find out. I assume all will become clear in time.

That said, I voted "no". The big off-putter for me was the 2nd person POV. I see that seems to be a common theme amongst the comments here too.

I think 2nd person is supposed to make "me" the centre of the action. It doesn't do it for me, not unless it is written so exceptionally well that I am drawn irresistibly into the narrative. It has to appear so natural to me that I can relate fully to what "I" and doing in the story, and that is a seriously hard feat to accomplish.

I find that traditional 3rd person is like watching a movie. I'm an observer but I can still be close to the action and empathise with the characters. 1st person brings me inside the character's head, and I feel much closer. But 2nd person actually distances me. It makes me feel more like a puppet than a participant. Kinda creepy, actually.

Sorry, because the story itself sounds interesting.

[Trip Volpe]

I was interested and would definitely read further. For me, the unusual perspective was part of the intrigue. However, if the second person narration kept up for many more pages, I'd most likely put it right back down. Second person is a bold choice, and I could actually see it helping if used sparingly and with good purpose, but I don't think I could bear to read it through an entire novel.

On the other hand, it's always possible I could be proven wrong. If you feel you have a good reason to keep using that device, go for it! There's no harm in trying, as long as you're comfortable spending your time on an experiment with pretty shaky odds of success.

But that's assuming you have even used or want to use the second-person narration in all or a substantial part of the story. I'd be interested to know more about what you're thinking of doing, actually!

[Chris]

Sorry, but I'm another who had to vote no, mainly because I really don't care for second-person. I hate to make it sound like that's all I base my decision on, but I do admit it really stacks the deck against you as an author trying to capture my interest.

Here, although there was several things to like, there just wasn't enough to pull the story past my SPR (Second-Person Resistance).

When reading a third- or even first-person novel, there remains some psychic distance between "me" and the character. Yes, I can get up-close to the events, and perhaps deeply inside the mind of the character, but even if it is graphic, distasteful, and disturbing, I'm still just a visitor looking in, like a patron strolling through an art gallery.

But with second-person, I'm forced to "be" the character, even if I don't want to. Especially if it's someone who is disturbed, evil, or otherwise distateful. I'd rather not, thank you.

Let me, the reader, decide who I most want to identify with.

As to the scene itself, I think there is definitely tension raised, and this may indeed be a story I would like, if rewritten to give me a little psychic elbow room.

Also, I personally don't have a problem with name-dropping when it comes to brand names -- I think it's relatively common to do so in action/thriller novels. Like instead of saying, "he reached into his pocket to see if his gun was still there", it might be, "he reached into his pocket for his 9mm Heckler & Koch P7M10. His finger felt the familiar coolness of the precise German weapon, and he was reassured by its presence."

But I think it's best done with some brief detail or hint as to why the brand name is important -- for example, does our voyeur prefer Sunagor binoculars because he thinks they have less glare in low-light conditions?

Best of luck, Marcel!

[Mark Souza]

Marcel, it's well written and the tension is great. But because it's written in second person, I had to vote no. Second person is such a chore to read (and write) that no matter how good the story, I'd leave it on the bookstore shelf. I just can't see myself putting up with second person for 300 pages. The story would be so much better in either first or close third person, and by better I mean easier to read and get into.

Good luck.

[Marcel]

Thank you all for the feedback. Several responses were as I expected (but I did better than expected in the voting stats--at one point it was 11 to turn the page to 11 not to turn), but it was all well taken and appreciated.

FYI, only the prologue (1000 words) and the final chapter are written in 2nd person POV, present tense. This character's viewpoint is that of the antagonist. In this scene, he is watching his "target" die of poisoning (even though he's not at the party, he's responsible for the poisoning--it's a plot point. You'll just have to buy the book to find out how this is done).

I'm not big on brand names either, but two happened to show up here. Sunagor binoculars are the most powerful binoculars around, which is why I used the brand. Anyone who knows the layout of the land is these parts will know the guy needed powerful binoculars. No biggie. I can remove the brand. I can even have him bring a smallish telescope instead.

Thanks y'all once again.