"What a pleasure! Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is quirky, laugh-out-loud fun. Ray Rhamey takes the vampire novel where it's never been before, into the realm of sheer hilarity."
Tess Gerritsen, NYT bestselling author of ICE COLD
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Here are CA’s opening lines:
The instructions are simple - acquire Jack Williams and deliver him to the 14th Street station. Palms has had some interesting jobs, but this one promises easy money. According to the contact, Jack Williams is spending the evening in one of these brownstones. All Palms has to do is follow Jack to the platform, onto the train, subdue him, and deliver him to the 14th Street station. After boarding the train it will be a simple matter to move in and knock him out. Someone will be at the 14th street station to receive the cargo. The plan is simple, and simple is how he likes it.
Standing in the doorway of a townhouse, Palms curses the traffic snare that caused his late arrival before glancing up and down the street, not exactly sure in which door Jack will appear. Palms hopes that he has gone far enough down the street so when Jack appears, he can fall in line behind and remain nearly invisible as they walk to the train.
Grateful that he’s wearing his leather duster, Palms pulls it close as the storm gives up any pretense and begins the pounding with intense fury. After twenty minutes of waiting, a glance to the right confirms that the waiting is over. Unfortunately, lady luck is not kind and Jack will have to pass by on the way to the train. Palms is still confident that this is not a problem and turns his back on Jack, trying to look as if he is locking a door - just another unfortunate citizen (snip)
Didn’t hook this reader
I think my problems started with a credibility breach in the first paragraph—with trains, especially commuter or elevated types, as this one suggests, there are usually people. So how can it be easy and simple to knock the target out with people around? I don’t buy it. And there was some repetition—first he thinks he will subdue him, then he will knock him out.
After that, what appears to be overwriting makes its appearance, and the tension ebbed. Also, the storm that appears in the third paragraph made an awfully sudden entrance—I felt rain or something needed to be established before it does what it does. Notes:
The instructions are simple - acquire Jack Williams and deliver him to the 14th Street station. Palms has had some interesting jobs, but this one promises easy money. According to the contact, Jack Williams is spending the evening in one of these brownstones. All Palms has to do is follow Jack to the platform, onto the train, subdue him, and deliver him to the 14th Street station.
After boarding the train it will be a simple matter to move in and knock him out.Someone will be at the 14th street station to receive the cargo. The plan is simple, and simple is how he likes it. (I started wondering about this “plan” when I learned that Palms doesn’t know which house Jack is in. There’s a logical problem with that which I will address in the next paragraph. The sentence I deleted was pretty much redundant.)Standing in the doorway of a townhouse, Palms curses the traffic snare that caused his late arrival before glancing up and down the street, not exactly sure in which door Jack will appear. Palms hopes that he has gone far enough down the street so when Jack appears, he can fall in line behind and remain nearly invisible as they walk to the train. (So he’s standing in a doorway, expecting his target to step out of a doorway of a building somewhere in the immediate vicinity—it could be the doorway Palms is standing in—that’s the logic problem. The part about being late is detail that doesn’t have any impact on the story and doesn’t contribute. And how much of a plan is it if Palms can not only be standing in the very doorway his target will emerge from, but is unsure of whether he is positioned correctly on the street? If this is the protagonist [and I don’t think he is], he seems kinda dumb.)
Grateful that he’s wearing his leather duster, Palms pulls it close as the storm gives up any pretense and begins the pounding with intense fury. After twenty minutes of waiting, a glance to the right confirms that the waiting is over. Unfortunately, lady luck is not kind and Jack will have to pass by on the way to the train. Palms is still confident that this is not a problem and turns his back on Jack, trying to look as if he is locking a door - just another unfortunate citizen (snip) (As mentioned, what storm? What pretense does it give up? Overwriting: the twenty minutes of waiting. Why are we waiting for the action to begin? Palms’s waiting doesn’t increase tension, it just slows the narrative. What does he see with his glance to the right that tells him that the waiting is over? Show us, don’t tell us, and give us the experience of the character rather than a report of what happens)
I think we need more of a scene here, not so much exposition about “the plan.” In the following pages, the target emerges and then runs for it, and Palms pursues. If that had happened on this first page, then I suspect I would have wanted to read ahead and find out what happens. All of the internal thought and planning don’t, in my view, give me much story.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey
Sorry, the third person present tense distanced me so much it was like trying to follow an invisible man through a scene. Also, "Palms" was a difficult name for some reason. I agree with Ray, the chase scene sounds more intriguing.
Posted by: Victoria Dixon | March 09, 2010 at 03:39 PM
Quick one while I try to catch up, sorry that it's not in more depth.
This was a no for me, sorry.
I liked the -feel- of the writing, but the plan our MC wants to execute on its face made absolutely no sense to me; trying to sneakily render someone unconscious and then deliver them to someone else when you're on a train where -anyone- might be is about the dumbest criminal act I can think of. Shooting on a train? Sure, why not; at least you can kill the witnesses. But to knock someone out (chemical or other) and then deliver them to someone... there's gotta be a better way.
I'm fine with present tense -- I don't have the automatic revulsion that some do where it's concerned :o) -- but the focus of the narrator's attention moved around a little too much for me. In the opening scene, I'd rather have seen a little more focus on the mission, not worrying about fashion or timeliness--at least as presently constructed.
Also, the name "Palms" just seems odd to me. How does one get that nickname? "Johnny nine-finger," sure. "Big Belly Ray." Absolutely. "Palms"? Are they hairy? :op
Good luck with this piece. thanks for sharing!
-j
Posted by: jon | March 12, 2010 at 09:04 AM