Flogometer for CA—would you turn the page?

Chapter 6 That wacky Lester

Ray Rhamey's Podcast

"What a pleasure! Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is quirky, laugh-out-loud fun. Ray Rhamey takes the vampire novel where it's never been before, into the realm of sheer hilarity."
Tess Gerritsen, NYT bestselling author of ICE COLD

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Here are CA’s opening lines:

The instructions are simple - acquire Jack Williams and deliver him to the 14th Street station. Palms has had some interesting jobs, but this one promises easy money. According to the contact, Jack Williams is spending the evening in one of these brownstones. All Palms has to do is follow Jack to the platform, onto the train, subdue him, and deliver him to the 14th Street station. After boarding the train it will be a simple matter to move in and knock him out. Someone will be at the 14th street station to receive the cargo. The plan is simple, and simple is how he likes it.

Standing in the doorway of a townhouse, Palms curses the traffic snare that caused his late arrival before glancing up and down the street, not exactly sure in which door Jack will appear. Palms hopes that he has gone far enough down the street so when Jack appears, he can fall in line behind and remain nearly invisible as they walk to the train.

Grateful that he’s wearing his leather duster, Palms pulls it close as the storm gives up any pretense and begins the pounding with intense fury. After twenty minutes of waiting, a glance to the right confirms that the waiting is over. Unfortunately, lady luck is not kind and Jack will have to pass by on the way to the train. Palms is still confident that this is not a problem and turns his back on Jack, trying to look as if he is locking a door - just another unfortunate citizen (snip)

Didn’t hook this reader

I think my problems started with a credibility breach in the first paragraph—with trains, especially commuter or elevated types, as this one suggests, there are usually people. So how can it be easy and simple to knock the target out with people around? I don’t buy it. And there was some repetition—first he thinks he will subdue him, then he will knock him out.

After that, what appears to be overwriting makes its appearance, and the tension ebbed. Also, the storm that appears in the third paragraph made an awfully sudden entrance—I felt rain or something needed to be established before it does what it does. Notes:

The instructions are simple - acquire Jack Williams and deliver him to the 14th Street station. Palms has had some interesting jobs, but this one promises easy money. According to the contact, Jack Williams is spending the evening in one of these brownstones. All Palms has to do is follow Jack to the platform, onto the train, subdue him, and deliver him to the 14th Street station. After boarding the train it will be a simple matter to move in and knock him out. Someone will be at the 14th street station to receive the cargo. The plan is simple, and simple is how he likes it. (I started wondering about this “plan” when I learned that Palms doesn’t know which house Jack is in. There’s a logical problem with that which I will address in the next paragraph. The sentence I deleted was pretty much redundant.)

Standing in the doorway of a townhouse, Palms curses the traffic snare that caused his late arrival before glancing up and down the street, not exactly sure in which door Jack will appear. Palms hopes that he has gone far enough down the street so when Jack appears, he can fall in line behind and remain nearly invisible as they walk to the train. (So he’s standing in a doorway, expecting his target to step out of a doorway of a building somewhere in the immediate vicinity—it could be the doorway Palms is standing in—that’s the logic problem. The part about being late is detail that doesn’t have any impact on the story and doesn’t contribute. And how much of a plan is it if Palms can not only be standing in the very doorway his target will emerge from, but is unsure of whether he is positioned correctly on the street? If this is the protagonist [and I don’t think he is], he seems kinda dumb.)

Grateful that he’s wearing his leather duster, Palms pulls it close as the storm gives up any pretense and begins the pounding with intense fury. After twenty minutes of waiting, a glance to the right confirms that the waiting is over. Unfortunately, lady luck is not kind and Jack will have to pass by on the way to the train. Palms is still confident that this is not a problem and turns his back on Jack, trying to look as if he is locking a door - just another unfortunate citizen (snip) (As mentioned, what storm? What pretense does it give up? Overwriting: the twenty minutes of waiting. Why are we waiting for the action to begin? Palms’s waiting doesn’t increase tension, it just slows the narrative. What does he see with his glance to the right that tells him that the waiting is over? Show us, don’t tell us, and give us the experience of the character rather than a report of what happens)

I think we need more of a scene here, not so much exposition about “the plan.” In the following pages, the target emerges and then runs for it, and Palms pursues. If that had happened on this first page, then I suspect I would have wanted to read ahead and find out what happens. All of the internal thought and planning don’t, in my view, give me much story.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

Third-person present tense was an automatic "no" for me. I don't have much patience for present tense fiction, and none for third-person present.

Aside from that, basically what Ray said.

The first paragraph is unnecessary; we don't care about the plan at this point. The other paragraphs are just waiting. Through the whole page, the entire action is Palms glancing up and down the street and then turning his back.

I have to agree with Ray: the plan to subdue someone aboard a public train and then remove an unconscious person at a public train station seems absurd. If there are circumstances that make this "simple", you'll need to explain those--or at least hint at them.

A good command of English writing; I won't even bother to nitpick. But the story starts later, and--in my opinion--needs to be told in first-person, past-tense, or both.

[TamaraL]

I found the name "Palms" awkward.

[Jean]

The present tense and lack of anything happening beyond standing around made this a no for me.

While I hate to pick on names, because that seems almost petty sometimes, I have to agree that Palms felt awkward to me too. I kept picturing trees or hands and was distracted from the story. Maybe this was because I was already distracted by the tense, but I figured I'd mention it.

[Aimee Laine]

To "telling" for me. And very repetive. It feels more like a query letter or book jacket than the opening of a novel. I'm actually interested, but thrown off by the writing. I just want to know if he catches him and assume he doesn't. ;)

[Irene]

I voted "yes" because the actual action pulled me in, to the point of suspending disbelief. I like a straightforward action story. But the present tense was a real turn-off here for me, and because of it, the whole thing sounded like an outline. The present tense definitely doesn't work here.

[Renee Yancy]

I also found the name 'Palms" awkward. I reread the sentence to figure out if perhaps Palms was a place - like Palm Beach for example. That threw me off and I found much of the rest of the description rather slow as well.

I agree with Ray - a little less thinking and a lot more action - and shorter snappier sentences might help, too.

[kathy]

14th street three times in the first paragraph stopped this reader.

[Margo Kelly]

Palms was a very distracting and disruptive name for me as well. Also, you used the word "it" several times in a short amount of sentences. This is probably no big deal, but IT bugged me. Sorry.

[Marcel]

This reminded me of "Midnight Run" with Robert DeNiro--one of my favorite movies of all time. He too had a simple task to do. To bring back a mob accountant (Charles Grodin) from the east coast. As expected, the simple task turned into a nightmare. So, I like your premise immediately.

The delivery, IMO, needs work. As others have pointed out, there's repetition and some "plausibility" issues. The first paragraph seems like what Ray calls "throat clearing." I suggest beginning with the second paragraph and going from there. Have Palms (I actually liked his name) on the move more and thinking less. Let him get to the first obstacle to this "simply" task ASAP.

Good luck with this. I like.

[Chris]

I also have to vote no.

There seems to be a decent core here in terms of idea, but the execution is a tad awkward.

I also heartily agree with the posters who dislike the present-tense telling. Changing it to an immediate past-tense version would really help, I think.

Also, there are staging and plausibility issues that detract from the story, as Ray and others mentioned: If the planners of this caper know enough that Jack is in "one of the Brownstones" and that he will take the train when he leaves, it seems very likely that they would have provided Palms with the address of which one he was in.

Another example: Palms curses the traffic that made him late, but then stands around for a good twenty minutes before Jack appears. Doesn't much sound like Palms was late at all, does it?

Keep at it -- I think there's a great story brewing here, but it definitely needs to be steeped and stirred some more before it's ready to be served.

[Victoria Dixon]

Sorry, the third person present tense distanced me so much it was like trying to follow an invisible man through a scene. Also, "Palms" was a difficult name for some reason. I agree with Ray, the chase scene sounds more intriguing.

[jon]

Quick one while I try to catch up, sorry that it's not in more depth.

This was a no for me, sorry.

I liked the -feel- of the writing, but the plan our MC wants to execute on its face made absolutely no sense to me; trying to sneakily render someone unconscious and then deliver them to someone else when you're on a train where -anyone- might be is about the dumbest criminal act I can think of. Shooting on a train? Sure, why not; at least you can kill the witnesses. But to knock someone out (chemical or other) and then deliver them to someone... there's gotta be a better way.

I'm fine with present tense -- I don't have the automatic revulsion that some do where it's concerned :o) -- but the focus of the narrator's attention moved around a little too much for me. In the opening scene, I'd rather have seen a little more focus on the mission, not worrying about fashion or timeliness--at least as presently constructed.

Also, the name "Palms" just seems odd to me. How does one get that nickname? "Johnny nine-finger," sure. "Big Belly Ray." Absolutely. "Palms"? Are they hairy? :op

Good luck with this piece. thanks for sharing!

-j