Flogometer for Cara—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Here are Cara’s opening lines:

Six weeks ago, Scotland Yard had decided I was far too frail and ladylike a creature to have actually decapitated my uncle. They had closed the file on his murder, informing me I was now free to move about as I wished. The estate had been settled, to my great satisfaction. After ages of all-but-captivity in the wilds of Essex, I was now free, and with a sizeable bank account.

Now, after a Channel crossing from hell and a crowded train ride, I stood in front of my aunt Camille's rooms in the rue Fremat, at the end of a moonless evening, wondering how best to address her or introduce myself. I knew my father's widowed sister lived here - my uncle had apparently corresponded with her, though to what end I had no idea. The aged walls and weather-beaten door did not seem to lend themselves to the appearance of "quality." Still. Twenty-two and feeling bold, I rapped on the door.

"Yes! A moment, if you please! I do hope it's not raining, for I simply cannot step away from my work until it’s complete! Another brushstroke, another blending of colour! Especially with a portrait, one cannot be too vigilant in its realism! At least it appears to be a pleasant night, monsieur or madame, for I’m afraid you’ll have to wait a few moments longer!"

The feminine voice had a faintly wooden quality, as tinny as a phonograph record. And yet, it was strong underneath. I chuckled, perfectly content to wait a few moments more. Surely the (snip)

Voice did the trick

Although this opening doesn’t quite meet the standards of tension that I want in a first page, the opening paragraph and the voice promised that I would be rewarded with a well-told story and an interesting, likeable character. The editor in me liked the nice, clean writing, too. So I turned the page.

However, I don’t think Cara should let it rest here. There is still a need to create tension on the first page, if at all possible, the kind of “bridging tension” that agent Donald Maass advocates. I think it’s doable with this opening. For example, so far you have no idea that this tale concerns vampires, do you? Well, there was a line at the very top of the first page that would have hinted at that, which I think would have been a good thing. And I urge Cara to add some kind of tension to this character’s experience here. She is meeting her aunt for the first time—how does she feel about it?

A larger concern is getting to the event that changes her (undead) life and makes her need something. In this first chapter, that doesn’t really happen. There is charming introductory stuff, but nothing happens to her in the chapter, much less the page. Notes:

Six weeks ago, Scotland Yard had decided I was far too frail and ladylike a creature to have actually decapitated my uncle. They had closed the file on his murder, informing me I was now free to move about as I wished. The estate had been settled, to my great satisfaction. After ages of all-but-captivity in the wilds of Essex, I was now free, and with a sizeable bank account. (I didn’t think the six weeks contributed, and every word on the first page needs to contribute to story. Still, this nicely introduces a story question (the uncle’s decapitation) and the character.)

Now, after a Channel crossing from hell and a crowded train ride, I stood in front of my aunt Camille's rooms in the rue Fremat, at the end of a moonless evening, wondering how best to address her or introduce myself. I knew my father's widowed sister lived here - my uncle had apparently corresponded with her, though to what end I had no idea. The aged walls and weather-beaten door did not seem to lend themselves to the appearance of "quality." Still. Twenty-two and feeling bold, I rapped on the door. (The “end of a moonless evening” is an element of this voice that I found appealing. I didn’t think the sentence I cut contributed, so out it goes.)

"Yes! A moment, if you please! I do hope it's not raining, for I simply cannot step away from my work until it’s complete! Another brushstroke, another blending of colour! Especially with a portrait, one cannot be too vigilant in its realism! At least it appears to be a pleasant night, monsieur or madame, for I’m afraid you’ll have to wait a few moments longer!" (More “voice,” this time one of another interesting-sounding character.)

The feminine voice had a faintly wooden quality, as tinny as a phonograph record. And yet, it was strong underneath. I chuckled, perfectly content to wait a few moments more. Surely the work she was engaged in would not take that much longer. S she would not leave me out here until the sun rose. (I’ve added in the sentence that could move from the second page to the first. I don't think she should be perfectly content here, otherwise there's not much of a story reason to turn the page. If there were at least a little anxiety about being exposed to the coming dawn . . . perhaps a little vampirish discomfort at the appearance of a pre-dawn glow, or anxiety about meeting the aunt?)

Nice work, Cara, but give me some tension!

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Bdub]

I loved this.

[jon]

Hi, Cara.

This was a hesitant yes from me.

Very good writing, very engaging setup... but the brick of dialog delivered through a door in the next-to-last paragraph kinda made me afraid of future dialog from this piece. I'd turn the page, but if I kept seeing unrealistic blocks of dialog like that (unless it's clear to me that it's just the way the ONE character talks), I might not go beyond.

That's my only complaint; if the dialog felt more naturalistic I'd have loved it, and even as-is I rather liked it.

Thanks for sharing! Good luck!

-j

[jon]

Oh, and also - forgot to mention. If you want to give the piece a little forward motion, instead of having her be content to wait, have her need to get in right now...

[CC]

Wow, this is great stuff. Thank you all for your input. A couple things -

1. Some have said that they "thought this was a thriller". This eventually -will- be a thriller. However, I led with the aunt/niece establishing a relationship because that relationship will make a huge difference later on in the plot. It's imperative that the reader knows how close these two are and what a huge influence the aunt is on the niece.

2. Doug, you had a lot to say - I would say most of your points were well founded, except for how you viewed Camille. I agree that I need to tone down the exclamation points, but Camille is a breathless motormouth who speeds her way through life. And I don't know if you know any artists, but I've known a lot of them to go "Wait a dang minute, my hands are full of clay!" As for her speaking in French, perhaps I should toss something in, but I didn't want her very first line to be in French. This is in Paris. She's Parisian (though maybe I didn't convey that?). It should be obvious that while I'm writing in English, she's speaking in French. If that wasn't obvious, it's my fault.

3. Something that I'd hoped Ray would state in his opening: This is set in 1922. This is not a modern piece. Therefore the dialogue will be slightly more anachronistic, slightly less snappy than a modern piece. However, I'll keep in mind not to overdo that.

Thanks a lot for the input, everyone!

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