Flogometer for Cara—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Here are Cara’s opening lines:

Six weeks ago, Scotland Yard had decided I was far too frail and ladylike a creature to have actually decapitated my uncle. They had closed the file on his murder, informing me I was now free to move about as I wished. The estate had been settled, to my great satisfaction. After ages of all-but-captivity in the wilds of Essex, I was now free, and with a sizeable bank account.

Now, after a Channel crossing from hell and a crowded train ride, I stood in front of my aunt Camille's rooms in the rue Fremat, at the end of a moonless evening, wondering how best to address her or introduce myself. I knew my father's widowed sister lived here - my uncle had apparently corresponded with her, though to what end I had no idea. The aged walls and weather-beaten door did not seem to lend themselves to the appearance of "quality." Still. Twenty-two and feeling bold, I rapped on the door.

"Yes! A moment, if you please! I do hope it's not raining, for I simply cannot step away from my work until it’s complete! Another brushstroke, another blending of colour! Especially with a portrait, one cannot be too vigilant in its realism! At least it appears to be a pleasant night, monsieur or madame, for I’m afraid you’ll have to wait a few moments longer!"

The feminine voice had a faintly wooden quality, as tinny as a phonograph record. And yet, it was strong underneath. I chuckled, perfectly content to wait a few moments more. Surely the (snip)

Voice did the trick

Although this opening doesn’t quite meet the standards of tension that I want in a first page, the opening paragraph and the voice promised that I would be rewarded with a well-told story and an interesting, likeable character. The editor in me liked the nice, clean writing, too. So I turned the page.

However, I don’t think Cara should let it rest here. There is still a need to create tension on the first page, if at all possible, the kind of “bridging tension” that agent Donald Maass advocates. I think it’s doable with this opening. For example, so far you have no idea that this tale concerns vampires, do you? Well, there was a line at the very top of the first page that would have hinted at that, which I think would have been a good thing. And I urge Cara to add some kind of tension to this character’s experience here. She is meeting her aunt for the first time—how does she feel about it?

A larger concern is getting to the event that changes her (undead) life and makes her need something. In this first chapter, that doesn’t really happen. There is charming introductory stuff, but nothing happens to her in the chapter, much less the page. Notes:

Six weeks ago, Scotland Yard had decided I was far too frail and ladylike a creature to have actually decapitated my uncle. They had closed the file on his murder, informing me I was now free to move about as I wished. The estate had been settled, to my great satisfaction. After ages of all-but-captivity in the wilds of Essex, I was now free, and with a sizeable bank account. (I didn’t think the six weeks contributed, and every word on the first page needs to contribute to story. Still, this nicely introduces a story question (the uncle’s decapitation) and the character.)

Now, after a Channel crossing from hell and a crowded train ride, I stood in front of my aunt Camille's rooms in the rue Fremat, at the end of a moonless evening, wondering how best to address her or introduce myself. I knew my father's widowed sister lived here - my uncle had apparently corresponded with her, though to what end I had no idea. The aged walls and weather-beaten door did not seem to lend themselves to the appearance of "quality." Still. Twenty-two and feeling bold, I rapped on the door. (The “end of a moonless evening” is an element of this voice that I found appealing. I didn’t think the sentence I cut contributed, so out it goes.)

"Yes! A moment, if you please! I do hope it's not raining, for I simply cannot step away from my work until it’s complete! Another brushstroke, another blending of colour! Especially with a portrait, one cannot be too vigilant in its realism! At least it appears to be a pleasant night, monsieur or madame, for I’m afraid you’ll have to wait a few moments longer!" (More “voice,” this time one of another interesting-sounding character.)

The feminine voice had a faintly wooden quality, as tinny as a phonograph record. And yet, it was strong underneath. I chuckled, perfectly content to wait a few moments more. Surely the work she was engaged in would not take that much longer. S she would not leave me out here until the sun rose. (I’ve added in the sentence that could move from the second page to the first. I don't think she should be perfectly content here, otherwise there's not much of a story reason to turn the page. If there were at least a little anxiety about being exposed to the coming dawn . . . perhaps a little vampirish discomfort at the appearance of a pre-dawn glow, or anxiety about meeting the aunt?)

Nice work, Cara, but give me some tension!

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jean]

I loved the voice and the opening line, but the last two paragraphs didn't have any tension to pull me onward.

As much as I appreciate the Aunt's voice, I'm sure we'll get more of it once we get inside. Cutting back on her paragraph would leave more room for Ray's suggestions on the last paragraph.

Had I known she was a vampire and worried about the sun, I would have voted yes.

[Lexi Revellian]

I'd delete 'had', 'actually', 'had', 'now' and 'now' from the first paragraph. They're cluttering up the prose to no purpose.

The monologue that comes through the door struck me as not the sort of thing anyone says. Particularly painters, who just don't talk about their art like that. It's the sort of thing you only hear in biopics.

[Aimee Laine]

I'd like to see the notation about the "murder" first ... but I too said YES! I want to know more about this Aunt, right away!! :) Anyone who is willing to answer a knock like that deserves to be read further! :) I smiled throughout that reading and even laughed at the end. Yes, take me further! :)

[Doug]

Dang it. There's nothing to even nitpick at in the English. Well, maybe the comma in "The estate had been settled, to my great satisfaction."

I've have kept the "six weeks ago", but moved it into the second sentence: They had closed the file on his murder six weeks ago.

The phrase "frail and ladylike" suggests that the narrator is getting on in years. Later we find out she's 22 years old. Maybe "delicate and refined" might be better than "frail and ladylike".

The phrase "captivity in the wilds" is almost an oxymoron, but I suspect that the contrast is what you were going for.

The first paragraph contains the phrase "I was now free" twice, and the second paragraph starts with "Now". The word "now" doesn't contribute anything in any of those instances, and should be used carefully when writing in past tense. I say, drop them. And try to eliminate the repetition about "I was free".

The line that Ray struck out, the one about the widowed sister, left me thoroughly confused about uncles and aunts. We already have a decapitated uncle. We have an aunt Camille who's widowed; was her late husband the decapitated uncle? We have an uncle who corresponded with aunt Camille; was that her late husband (seems unlikely), or a different uncle? If a different uncle, was it the decapitated uncle or yet another uncle?

Camille's reply (through the door) killed the credibility for me. Few people speak in response to a knock on the door. Even if she did, it would be en Français, and probably just "Oui?", "Un moment," or "Qui est là?"

Besides, the description of her voice comes too late after such a long monologue. It makes the reader go back and reread the monologue, re-imagining the voice.

Aside from a few glitches, you had me right with you until Camille spoke. Then I voted "no". Camille sounds interesting, but that wasn't the time or place.

And I agree, that line about the sun needs to make it onto the first page.

[Deb]

I was also confused with the aunt and uncle stuff.

Also I don't know what kind of door this is, but I was tossed out of the story trying to figure out what kind of a door you could hear anything more than a just a a simple phrase like just a minute.

I definitely liked the voice though.

[hope101]

I would have turned the page for sure. The beheading in the first paragraph, the voice, and the hint of Dickensian characterization from the painting aunt pulled me in.

Suggestions on story structure: I thought this genre was thriller, honestly, because of the beheading. In order to orient me as a reader, and not have me feeling betrayed in the next pages, I do agree the paranormal elements have to be hinted at even here. It concerns me a little that the story tension fades after mention of the beheading. You'd really frustrate me then after I've been promised such a...juicy beginning.

I did have many of the same nits as Doug, also. Where I differ from him: I personally would have kept the part about six weeks, cut the repetitious words, and put the part about twenty-two in the opening paragraph. That would eliminate the entire sentence about being bold. (You show that with her subsequent actions anyway.)

If you're going to keep the monologue, which I liked even though it's a tad unrealistic, I'd suggest you describe the voice's qualities after only one or two sentences of dialogue. You can continue the dialogue itself after that.

But please lose the exclamation marks! (Hee.) According to conventional wisdom, you're allowed two per 100,000 words of fiction.

We already get the breathless, exuberant quality of the narrator from the words themselves. What will you do to ramp things up if/when the aunt really has something to get excited about?

All in all, though, love the voice. Just tighten, get your story started in the right place, and you'd have me.

[Renee Yancy]

I loved this. I had no problem with Aunt Camille's response. I had already pictured a moonless summer evening in Paris, with the windows open and the lace curtains blowing in the breeze. And Aunt Camille's voice floating down to the MC.

I would definitely turn the page to see what was going to happen.

Perhaps Aunt Camille could toss out a French phrase as Doug suggested to make it even more real.

Good stuff!

[Renee Yancy]

Cara, I for got to say that I loved your fist line.

[Victoria Dixon]

Cara, I loved the opening line enough, I decided I'd keep reading just to see what gives. That said, the longer the page went, the less tension and "pull" I felt to continue. If, as Ray suggests, there's not much tension in the rest of the chapter, I'm afraid you'd lose me soon after this page. I was also a little annoyed by the proliferation of exclamation marks, though I realize the person's yelling.

[WDW]

My vote is no -- sorry.

In the first paragraph, I would have liked at least a bit of a hint why she had been a suspect. (No doubt, though, that info comes later, so this is probably a minor issue for me.)

In the second paragraph, I don't understand at all what the one-word sentence "Still." is all about. Should it be "Still,"? (I suppose my punctuation here is wrong!) And why would she expect, as I think you imply, that the aunt's residence would be of high quality? And if she got her aunt's address from her uncle's correspondence, as you seem to imply, why "apparently?" -- she either did or did not. And if she'd snooped the letters, wouldn't she know why they were corresponding?

And one more thing... phonograph records, unless we're talking about really old 78's, are a very high-fidelity medium.

All that said(!), I think there's a good feel to this.

[Bdub]

I loved this.

[jon]

Hi, Cara.

This was a hesitant yes from me.

Very good writing, very engaging setup... but the brick of dialog delivered through a door in the next-to-last paragraph kinda made me afraid of future dialog from this piece. I'd turn the page, but if I kept seeing unrealistic blocks of dialog like that (unless it's clear to me that it's just the way the ONE character talks), I might not go beyond.

That's my only complaint; if the dialog felt more naturalistic I'd have loved it, and even as-is I rather liked it.

Thanks for sharing! Good luck!

-j

[jon]

Oh, and also - forgot to mention. If you want to give the piece a little forward motion, instead of having her be content to wait, have her need to get in right now...

[CC]

Wow, this is great stuff. Thank you all for your input. A couple things -

1. Some have said that they "thought this was a thriller". This eventually -will- be a thriller. However, I led with the aunt/niece establishing a relationship because that relationship will make a huge difference later on in the plot. It's imperative that the reader knows how close these two are and what a huge influence the aunt is on the niece.

2. Doug, you had a lot to say - I would say most of your points were well founded, except for how you viewed Camille. I agree that I need to tone down the exclamation points, but Camille is a breathless motormouth who speeds her way through life. And I don't know if you know any artists, but I've known a lot of them to go "Wait a dang minute, my hands are full of clay!" As for her speaking in French, perhaps I should toss something in, but I didn't want her very first line to be in French. This is in Paris. She's Parisian (though maybe I didn't convey that?). It should be obvious that while I'm writing in English, she's speaking in French. If that wasn't obvious, it's my fault.

3. Something that I'd hoped Ray would state in his opening: This is set in 1922. This is not a modern piece. Therefore the dialogue will be slightly more anachronistic, slightly less snappy than a modern piece. However, I'll keep in mind not to overdo that.

Thanks a lot for the input, everyone!

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