Beta reader appeal & Flogometer for Ray—would you turn the page?

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Looking for beta readers for We the Enemy

I’m at it again. This novel has been extensively rewritten after a detailed, $2500 critique by a top editor and publisher. I’m looking for beta readers to give me honest feedback. I am particularly interested in its appeal, or lack thereof, to women.

It’s available in 2 electronic forms:

• For onscreen reading, a PDF in the original trade paperback size that retains the original formatting and design
• If you prefer to print it out, a letter-size PDF in print quality. The pages reproduce the book “look” on 8 1/2 by 11 paper as closely as possible in order to duplicate the reading experience of the book, only in a way that’s easy to print.
  

I hope to get feedback within a month, so if you want to give it a shot after reading the stuff below, please email me at ray (at) ftqpress.com. Be sure to tell me if you want the screen version or the printable version.

We the Enemy is a speculative social thriller and a novel of ideas -- an "activist" novel. It imagines dealing with gun violence while at the same time providing self defense for the vulnerable. It explores when and how criminals should be incarcerated, and when not. It examines the workings of a justice system that fails to bring many to justice.

And it's the story of a man and a woman. A violent man, a mercenary, who no longer feels since the killing of his wife and child -- but holds a deep longing for peace and family. A hard-working woman, a single mother, who struggles against free-flowing drugs and corruption that threaten her family.

Other key players include the leader of the Alliance, a citizen organization that many see as a powerful force for good and others, including the U.S. Attorney General, as a destroyer. The U.S. president's election is threatened by the Alliance, and a citizen militia leader provides a deadly defense.

Together, the man and the woman are the key to a new peace and prosperity -- if they survive.

Below are:

• The first page of the text in the book, available for your flogging
• A turn-the-page poll for the first page
• The second page of text from the book to duplicate a bookstore browsing experience
• An interest-level poll for that page
  

Have fun.

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The opening page:

Kurt Dengler aimed his grandfather’s Colt .45 automatic at Noah Stone’s smile and cocked the hammer.

Stone’s photo looked up at the muzzle from a Time magazine cover; the headline read, “Pied Piper of the West.”

Kurt squeezed the trigger, the firing pin clicked on the empty chamber, and there was no hole in the enemy’s forehead.

Like Daddy used to say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Kurt used his cell phone to call the number only he, the First Lady, and the Secret Service had. The president’s gravelly voice said, “Hey, Kurt.”

“We need to talk about a threat that needs to go away, Mr. President.”

Leo Grant chuckled. “You’re my chief of staff, why don’t you see if you can work you in?”

Not in the Oval Office, not with all those microphones. “Remember when we were kids, talkin’ about running away?”

“Got it. The garden. Now’s good.”

Kurt hung the .45 on its pegs at the bottom of his grandfather’s plaque. Beneath a Bronze Star medal, a brass plate read, “Major Jefferson T. Dengler.” Grandad hadn’t made it home from World War II, but his heroism and his sidearm had. Kurt used his tie to polish (snip)

The second page

away a fingerprint, snatched up the Time and the new polls, and left his West Wing office for the Rose Garden.

.

President Leo Grant, standing in spring sunshine beside a rose bush covered with yellow blooms, closed the folder on the polls and gazed at the cover of Time. “Pied Piper is right.” He handed them back to Kurt, and then snipped a withered flower with his clippers. “The varmint’s real good at convincing too damn many voters his wingnut ideas are right.”

Kurt said, “Back home, we shoot varmints.” Shoot? Jesus, he sure had shooting on the brain today. On the other hand, Stone was an evil bastard.

Leo raised an eyebrow “You ready to strap on your six-gun?”

Dammit, Leo, this is serious. Kurt said, “Stone and his Alliance are costing us Oregon and maybe a couple more Western states. We can’t afford to lose this election—you know what will happen to our country in the opposition’s hands.”

Leo scowled. “They’d undo what we’ve worked so hard to achieve.”

“Hell, Mr. President, it’s a matter of national security.” Kurt pulled a mini Tootsie Roll from the stash in his pocket. The rush of chocolate eased him even though it meant trouble with his ulcer. For the millionth time, he wished smoking wasn’t bad for people. Not that Tootsie Rolls were much better.

The president focused on Kurt. “It’s not just the election with you, is it?”

The way Leo saw into him had always amazed Kurt. He gazed at Leo—his stocky body straight and strong, so much like Kurt’s that people used to think they were brothers when they were boys back in Oklahoma. A breeze played with Leo’s short white hair. God, he loved the man.

“Honestly, Mr. President, I’d be saying this even if there were no election. Noah Stone and his ideas are toxic, and it’s our duty to stop him. His initiatives take away basic American rights. If there (snip)

Thanks for your input—it’s always of great value. If you want to be a beta reader, please email me at ray (at) ftqpress.com. Be sure to tell me if you want the screen version or the printable version.

 I will leave this post up for a few days to be sure readers see it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Christine H.]

One more P.S. I actually liked the tootsie roll thing. It kind of explains a little of why he's so jumpy - he's obviously an ex-smoker who's still struggling to completely quit.

[Ray Rhamey]

Christine, what I intended is to raise a bunch of story questions. By the way, there is no such thing as a "mere" female. Quite the contrary, in my view.

One story question is how people can be armed if there are no guns? Another way to put it is this--a lead character says that if the Alliance were asked if it was for or against guns, the answer would be "yes." You have to read the book to find out how that's possible.

I've struggled with how to open this story. It has, in the past, opened with the Jake Black character--but that scene didn't allow the scope and overarching conflict to be shown. The current opening chapter does that, and introduces an antagonist.

As for violating the Constitution, the intent is to show that one person's violation is another's way to fix things gone badly wrong. It's all supposed to be food for thought.

If you want to read more, just let me know and I'll email a link to the PDF.

[Christine H]

I think it's a matter of "food for thought" versus being a little too obscure. If you said outright that "the Alliance had come up with an effective form of self-defense that wouldn't violate the firearms ban," then that would intrigue me. But the way it was written, I felt I'd have to work a little too hard to figure it out.

I totally relate to your struggle with the opening. You know I'm having the same struggle. I'm now considering chopping my "new" first three chapters (essentially erasing most of the the work I've done since last April) and going back to the "old" opening which is now Chapter 4. But then I have issues with trying to effectively weave certain information into the story. So I definitely feel your pain.

As a reader, I've never liked opening with the antagonist. I need a reason to keep reading, and as a "mere female," tension and the threat of violence isn't enough. That's what I meant by that comment. I'm not hooked by plot-driven situations, but by a connection with a character, which I don't really have yet in this piece, although it's close.

[Christine H]

Hi there, Ray! Thanks for your reply.

I think it's a matter of "food for thought" versus being a little too obscure. If you said outright that "the Alliance had come up with an effective form of self-defense that wouldn't violate the firearms ban," then that would intrigue me. But the way it was written, I felt I'd have to work a little too hard to figure it out.

I totally relate to your struggle with the opening. You know I'm having the same struggle. I'm now considering chopping my "new" first three chapters (essentially erasing most of the the work I've done since last April) and going back to the "old" opening which is now Chapter 4. But then I have issues with trying to effectively weave certain information into the story. So I definitely feel your pain.

As a reader, I've never liked opening with the antagonist. I need a reason to keep reading, and as a "mere female," tension and the threat of violence isn't enough. That's what I meant by that comment. I'm not hooked by plot-driven situations, but by a connection with a character, which I don't really have yet in this piece, although it's close.

Christine

[Colleen]

Hi Ray,

I like the action in your opening page, it's the order that's problematic for me. It feels a bit like disparate elements stacked up on one another. I also agree with those who think there's too much backstory too early, and interesting tension that dissipates too quickly. I loved the fifth line "Kurt Dengler used his cell phone to call the number only he..." I think it's worth starting with, because it instantly immerses me in their intimate relationship. Women are interested in the nature of relationships first, and the plot elements second. What if you weaved Kurt's actions into his exchange with the President and only dropped in brief snippets of the backstory, at least in the first few pages. Although my version may not fit your voice or elements crucial to the plot, I'm suggesting something like this:

Kurt Dengler used his cell phone to call the number only he, the First Lady, and the Secret Service had. The president’s gravelly voice said, “Hey, Kurt.”

“We need to talk about a threat that needs to go away, Mr. President.” Kurt aimed his grandfather’s Colt .45 automatic at Noah Stone’s smile.

Leo Grant sat up, alarmed by his Chief of Staff’s urgency. “Not in the Oval. Too many microphones.”

Kurt cocked the hammer. “Got it. The garden, then.”

“See you in five.”

Kurt squeezed the trigger, the firing pin clicked on the empty chamber, and there was no hole in the enemy’s forehead. Noah Stone’s photo looked up at the muzzle from a Time magazine cover; the headline read, “Pied Piper of the West.” Evil bastard.

Kurt hung the .45 on its pegs at the bottom of the plaque that held his grandfather’s Bronze Star medal. He snatched up the Time and the new polls, and left his West Wing office for the Rose Garden.

On the second page, I want to know what specifically the Alliance is doing that's so terrible, and what the President's administration has "worked so hard to achieve", or at least some hints.

Thanks for the chance to look at your WIP. The concept is intriguing.

[Marcel]

Hi Ray. A book that comes across as a debate on the second amendment is of absolutely no interest to me. And that's how it comes across on the back cover blurb, IMO. I enjoy a good political thriller, but it almost has to be based on international conflict(a la Tom Clancy, the early years). Otherwise, it comes across as a Republican versus Democrat lowest denominator point-of-view, hair-pulling contest on whatever particular issue (as has been demonstrated by a previous poster already). So I'm not in your target audience, so keep that in mind.

Personal tastes aside, neither page grabbed me. As others have pointed out, it feels like you tried too hard. The first scene feels forced. It's only story-based purpose is to set up, by phone, the meeting with the president. So, in order to justify such a mundane and unnecessary scene, you had to jazz it up. In doing so, the tension comes across as contrived.

The second scene was just too generic. As others pointed out, you probably need to get some specifics in there to generate the needed interest.

By the end of the samples, neither character had grown on me. I found Ken annoying, actually, and the prez neutral.

The writing and voice were fine, but I don't think that's enough to generate the interest you are looking for.

Why don't you post the beginning you had with Jake Black? Let us see if we like that one better.

Anyways, I wish you the best of luck with this.

[Gumption Brash]

Like Colleen's example of the first page. Neat. It grabs you from the get go and keeps the tension going.

[Ray Rhamey]

"Debate on the second amendment" shows you how difficult it is to position this book. It isn't a debate about that (although I think citizens ought to be concerned about what's going on with guns--any of us could be a target any day, and that's not paranoia speaking). There are a number of issues that impact our lives, especially the justice system. I put up the second description to see if anyone would be interested in a story--and it is a page-turner story--that had some depth to it about contemporary social issues would have any appeal.

So far, not so much.

[Liz P]

I think it depends on the reader. I don't mind reading some of Tom Clancy's stuff, but that seems to involve far-away things--things I don't feel a personal involvement with as much. (politely, why should I care about a war in afghanistan? It's fun to read about but it doesn't mess with my political beliefs really)

On the other hand, something such as the 2nd amendment, or pro-choice/pro-life...I have strong beliefs on that. And if the book doesn't line up...well, then the book loses interest for me, because I can't relate to a character as easily. If that makes sense?

It may just be your readers, too. I'm not a fan of anything that seems to push political views down my throat. (not that yours does, it just feels like that's a possibility, from reading your back copy)

[Ray Rhamey]

Liz, I'm with you on books that try to push political views down your throat. Not me. The intent of the novel is to allow people to try ideas on for size. And it is NOT a utopian story. There are warts and flaws in the characters and ideas. Yes, there's a point of view, but the ideas can be judged on merit no matter what your view is. I tried to start the story in a way that cast the more-or-less good guys as bad guys, and the Alliance as an antagonist, and then let the things that happen in the story change a reader's perception.

Now, try to get all that in blurb of a bit of jacket copy.