Beta reader appeal & Flogometer for Ray—would you turn the page?

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Looking for beta readers for We the Enemy

I’m at it again. This novel has been extensively rewritten after a detailed, $2500 critique by a top editor and publisher. I’m looking for beta readers to give me honest feedback. I am particularly interested in its appeal, or lack thereof, to women.

It’s available in 2 electronic forms:

• For onscreen reading, a PDF in the original trade paperback size that retains the original formatting and design
• If you prefer to print it out, a letter-size PDF in print quality. The pages reproduce the book “look” on 8 1/2 by 11 paper as closely as possible in order to duplicate the reading experience of the book, only in a way that’s easy to print.
  

I hope to get feedback within a month, so if you want to give it a shot after reading the stuff below, please email me at ray (at) ftqpress.com. Be sure to tell me if you want the screen version or the printable version.

We the Enemy is a speculative social thriller and a novel of ideas -- an "activist" novel. It imagines dealing with gun violence while at the same time providing self defense for the vulnerable. It explores when and how criminals should be incarcerated, and when not. It examines the workings of a justice system that fails to bring many to justice.

And it's the story of a man and a woman. A violent man, a mercenary, who no longer feels since the killing of his wife and child -- but holds a deep longing for peace and family. A hard-working woman, a single mother, who struggles against free-flowing drugs and corruption that threaten her family.

Other key players include the leader of the Alliance, a citizen organization that many see as a powerful force for good and others, including the U.S. Attorney General, as a destroyer. The U.S. president's election is threatened by the Alliance, and a citizen militia leader provides a deadly defense.

Together, the man and the woman are the key to a new peace and prosperity -- if they survive.

Below are:

• The first page of the text in the book, available for your flogging
• A turn-the-page poll for the first page
• The second page of text from the book to duplicate a bookstore browsing experience
• An interest-level poll for that page
  

Have fun.

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The opening page:

Kurt Dengler aimed his grandfather’s Colt .45 automatic at Noah Stone’s smile and cocked the hammer.

Stone’s photo looked up at the muzzle from a Time magazine cover; the headline read, “Pied Piper of the West.”

Kurt squeezed the trigger, the firing pin clicked on the empty chamber, and there was no hole in the enemy’s forehead.

Like Daddy used to say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Kurt used his cell phone to call the number only he, the First Lady, and the Secret Service had. The president’s gravelly voice said, “Hey, Kurt.”

“We need to talk about a threat that needs to go away, Mr. President.”

Leo Grant chuckled. “You’re my chief of staff, why don’t you see if you can work you in?”

Not in the Oval Office, not with all those microphones. “Remember when we were kids, talkin’ about running away?”

“Got it. The garden. Now’s good.”

Kurt hung the .45 on its pegs at the bottom of his grandfather’s plaque. Beneath a Bronze Star medal, a brass plate read, “Major Jefferson T. Dengler.” Grandad hadn’t made it home from World War II, but his heroism and his sidearm had. Kurt used his tie to polish (snip)

The second page

away a fingerprint, snatched up the Time and the new polls, and left his West Wing office for the Rose Garden.

.

President Leo Grant, standing in spring sunshine beside a rose bush covered with yellow blooms, closed the folder on the polls and gazed at the cover of Time. “Pied Piper is right.” He handed them back to Kurt, and then snipped a withered flower with his clippers. “The varmint’s real good at convincing too damn many voters his wingnut ideas are right.”

Kurt said, “Back home, we shoot varmints.” Shoot? Jesus, he sure had shooting on the brain today. On the other hand, Stone was an evil bastard.

Leo raised an eyebrow “You ready to strap on your six-gun?”

Dammit, Leo, this is serious. Kurt said, “Stone and his Alliance are costing us Oregon and maybe a couple more Western states. We can’t afford to lose this election—you know what will happen to our country in the opposition’s hands.”

Leo scowled. “They’d undo what we’ve worked so hard to achieve.”

“Hell, Mr. President, it’s a matter of national security.” Kurt pulled a mini Tootsie Roll from the stash in his pocket. The rush of chocolate eased him even though it meant trouble with his ulcer. For the millionth time, he wished smoking wasn’t bad for people. Not that Tootsie Rolls were much better.

The president focused on Kurt. “It’s not just the election with you, is it?”

The way Leo saw into him had always amazed Kurt. He gazed at Leo—his stocky body straight and strong, so much like Kurt’s that people used to think they were brothers when they were boys back in Oklahoma. A breeze played with Leo’s short white hair. God, he loved the man.

“Honestly, Mr. President, I’d be saying this even if there were no election. Noah Stone and his ideas are toxic, and it’s our duty to stop him. His initiatives take away basic American rights. If there (snip)

Thanks for your input—it’s always of great value. If you want to be a beta reader, please email me at ray (at) ftqpress.com. Be sure to tell me if you want the screen version or the printable version.

 I will leave this post up for a few days to be sure readers see it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[John]

In my opinion this is way overcooked. You open with a gimmick, through in a cliche, name a bunch of characters, and end with Grandpa's brief history, all within the first page. Then we're abruptly thrown into the next scene on page two. We hear Noah Stone has "wing-nut" and "toxic" ideas but learn nothing about what they really are. Instead we find out how Kurt feels about tootsie rolls and how much he admires the president's posture. The dialogue itself comes across as thinly disguised exposition of the "as you know, Bob" variety.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I don't think a bleary-eyed agent or editor would be compelled to turn the page. I think if you concentrated more on a style that hinted at where the story was going you'd have better luck than you've had by reworking the opening pages with what's turning into a mishmash of different bits of information.

It seems to me you're trying to do too much too soon.

[Norm]

Hi Ray, you're on the right track.

It is timely with all the Tea Party craziness. But, I think the elevator pitch needs some polish.

It's a little generic at the start: "Death is on the hunt, disguised as righteousness. But which are the enemies, and which are the victims?" [I think the second paragraph adds nothing. Try reading your beginning without it. Also, Mike German says in "Thinking Like a Terrorist" that all terror organizations are prompted by feeling as victims under attack, and we've seen that recently.]

Given what is there now, I wouldn't open to the first page because the pitch feels unfocused. I'd prefer "An expendable mercenary, Jake Black is hired by the White House for a black operation against a citizens' group that threatens to topple the President. When he's arrested, disavowed by the White House, and tossed into a secret prison, his only chance of redemption is a single-mother living on welfare."

The first page has improved but it doesn't propel me to the next...yet. Kurt Dengler's belief in tradition and country are evident but the lack of specificity on the "what next" kept me from feeling I had to go further. If he had said something more ominous such as, "Mr. President, I have a plan to make the Pied Piper of the West go away," then there's enough of the "tingle factor" to make me turn.

I also wanted specifics on the second page. The lack is similar to not showing but telling. For instance, the exchange between the President and his Chief of Staff here is generic" “Stone and his Alliance are costing us Oregon and maybe a couple more Western states. [How are they doing this?] We can’t afford to lose this election—you know what will happen to our country in the opposition’s hands.”
“They’d undo what we’ve worked so hard to achieve.” [Which would be? Health care or tax cuts or what?]

Specifics will give that realistic edge that I think is not quite there yet.

Thanks for letting us look at your WIP. Your edits and comments are always insightful.

[Norm]

I'm sorry that sentence should read, "I think the second LINE adds nothing."

[Liz P]

Sorry, Ray, but it doesn't do anything for me. You had at least three names thrown in within the first page, which had me confused just who was who, especially when Kurt called the Pres. and said (or it seemed like he was still talking) "Hey, Kurt."

Secondly, as others have said, there's nothing here that makes me worry for the MC (which at this point seems to be Kurt, even though I know it's going to be Jack Black) I'm not sure why I should be uneasy about Noah...since the opposition's remarks are usually viewed as "toxic" from the other side. So he could just be suggesting something that is politically distasteful, for all I know.

Thirdly, besides knowing that Kurt likes tootsie rolls, the president's posture, and despises Noah, I've not a clue about the man. I don't relate to him at all, so my interest dwindled, and sank to the bottom by the end of the second page.

Just honest there. It didn't work for me at all.

[John]

After reading Liz's post I'd like to add another few comments to the remarks I posted earlier. I noticed that she sees one of the characters as Jack Black, as I did. It's an easy mistake when Jake and Jack are so similar to the eye when reading, not to mention that all of a sudden you visualize the comic actor in place of this angst driven mercenary.

Had I read the back copy the first time through, I would have been a little confused as I read on. The back copy focuses on Jake but he's conspicuously absent in the following text of the story. The back copy sets up certain expectations, which in this case may prove to be a distraction. You've got us thinking the story is about Jake Black, only to immerse us in Kurt Dengler's POV.

You can get away with introducing the main character later on or whenever you want to. But if you're trying to interest a first-time reader in your book, I think you need a smoother segue from the back copy to the beginning of the story.

[disorderly]

Ray, I love your concept: An organization that sounds vaguely like a militia group may or may not be a threat to national security. The current administration apparently is engaged in some massive program to force American history in a specific direction (at all costs, no matter how disturbing) and can't afford to let dissenters gain any populist footing. It all smacks of very current themes, and for that reason I'd turn the page.

I also love -- LOVE -- your opening image.

However, all of that said, I think both the synopsis and the first two pages are a bit too unfocused. The first graf on the back cover reads like a throwaway to me. Have you considered working it in at the end? I'm a little confused about why the AG thinks the Alliance is assaulting the Constitution, and I'm having trouble putting Jake and Jewel together. He was in prison, and somehow that's related to her almost-rape? Huh? For that matter, what the heck is he doing in prison if he's a black-ops merc on a domestic mission for the government?

Jake sounds fascinating, but a little weak due to the part about tears on his cheeks every morning. Maybe leave that for the story itself and just somehow indicate a tragedy has made him the perfect shadow man: heartless, deadly and with no ties?

I agree with the others who said there seems to be some throat-clearing going on in your second page. I can live with the first page, although there are some extra words and phrases I think could disappear without being missed, thereby allowing the whole opening scene to run in the first sixteen lines. Kurt's voice is GREAT, but I kept wanting to get to the point already. Leave the Tootsie Roll fetish for later (nice, unusual character tic), and curb Kurt's tendency to give "As you know, Bob" speeches. I think by the time readers reach the last graf you posted, we're not as interested in what Kurt says there as we are in figuring out whether he's manipulating the prez or actually expressing an honest, shared extremist sentiment about "basic American rights."

Nice touch with the homoerotic subtext, too, though I think that could be even creepier if it weren't quite so blatant. (If you didn't intend to lead readers down that path, you might consider putting "God, he loved the man" somewhere else. In that spot, it reads like a slap across the face, at least to me. In fact, that whole tiny bit of backstory right there...could it move to later? The white hair ruffling in the breeze could stand alone. :-) )

Despite all this, I'd read on -- but I'm a sucker for political intrigue. :-)

[mcd]

Personally, I liked the way you lead off your back cover copy, and the way you end it. However, the part related to Jake's tears seemed too obvious to make me feel sympathy, like the detail is trying to force me to pity him when I don't know him. I thought Norm's suggestion -- calling Jake "an expendable mercenary" hired by the white house -- was excellent, and worth expanding on. I can feel for a guy being used as a tool and manipulated by people in power.

Just some thoughts. Thanks for the chance to review your WIP!

[Gumption Brash]

The back copy sounds good, but has too much detail. Feels like you're pitching two different books rather than two story threads. Jake is your main protagonist, so focus the back copy on him, the fact his family is dead, and then mention he's being asked to stop the alliance. Who they are and how what they are affects Jake.
Jake, to my mind, should be your primary concern, it's him and his story that the reader will care about and want to follow.

First page is great. My only niggle is that after you inject tension with Kurt saying a threat needs to go away, you have the president chuckle and make a small joke.

The tension disappears after that.

Give the tension some weight by having the president take what Kurt says seriously.

I'd have a re-think about Kurt reminiscing about his grandfather too. It's an unnecessary detail that detracts from the important question: what threat?

The second page requires some more editing. Details of tootsie rolls and the history between these two men should be left out. You're better off showing their relationship by how they interact with each other.

Remember three pages. If someone were to pick up this book off the shelf, that is how long you need to keep them hooked before they'll likely purchase it or put it down. Pare down the prose and focus properly on the things you hint at in your first page... the tension and potential conflict.

[Christine H.]

As a mere female, I'm confused. How can people be armed if there are no guns? Like, are they really good at throwing steak knives? Or are they procuring illegal weapons, in which case the ATF could just raid them and arrest the whole bunch?

Also, how can a citizen's defense group be attacking the constitution when most people believe that the Second Amendment itself is under attack? In other words, that the Constitution is being attacked by those who want to disarm legal gun owners? It seems like the premise is backwards, i.e. that the government (or, at least, the state of Orgeon) is attacking the constitution, not the Alliance.

So I think you need to clearly state what the Constitutional issue is here, and why it's so volatile.

Also, after reading the back cover copy, I assumed that the first scene was taking place in Oregon, until I saw that it was taking place in the White House. I suppose that's not such a big deal if I was holding an actual book, and had flipped it over and opened to Chapter 1, but seeing them right after each other on the blog like this was a bit disorienting.

Also, I think you need to say exactly who Noah Stone is on the first page. "...the charismatic and highly problematic leader of a militia group called The Alliance" or something like that.

I love the snappy dialogue and pacing. But I don't care that much for Kurt. He just sort of swaggers around spouting macho phrases. He seems a bit mentally unbalanced.

As well, the setup seems kind of obscure. This is an example of a scene where I think some strategically placed backstory would be very helpful, because there's clearly a LOT going on behind the scenes.

Also, if Jake Black is your main character, shouldn't he be the first person that the reader meets? Or am I wrong in that?

I agree with the comments about Jake seeming weak. Saying "his feelings died" sounds hollow, because no one's feelings die, they just repress them. So the back cover didn't grab me. I don't feel sympathetic towards Jake because the first thing you tell me about him is that he's a mercenary. So if he's a bad guy who does bad things for money, I don't really care about his past.

I know I'm being harsh. These are just my first thoughts. But I think this is probably a great story, knowing how well you write. I think my overall impression is that you're trying too hard.

My inexpert advice is: Let the characters be themselves, let the story flow a little more naturally, and I'll be more interested.

[Christine H.]

P.S. My sympathies are with Noah Stone and the Alliance at this point. The more I think about it, the more upset I am at the idea of a state violating the Constitution this way, and the President talking so casually with his Chief of Staff about assassinating a citizen who dared to defend the Second Amendment.

Is that what you intended?