Launch day! Flogometer for Vaughn—would you turn the page?

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TVKC launches today! The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles, is officially on sale today. I hope you’ll email friends to visit the website, vampirekittycat.com.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Vaughn’s first 16 lines:

I pulled the pillow harder over my head. I felt just awful. Or maybe not awful, weird. Every inch of my body felt totally strange. And I was hot.

I reached down; good grief, I was wearing a shirt. I hadn’t worn a shirt to bed since was 12 years old and graduated from pajamas to briefs at night. I tugged at it, and the stupid thing stuck underneath me. I finally got it off and tossed it out of bed, my head still firmly buried under the covers. A shirt. I must have been wasted when I went to bed last night. I didn’t remember drinking, but how else could I have gone to bed with my shirt still on? And I felt so weird.

I was just rolling over again when a knock came at the door, “Bobby! Bobby, don’t forget. You promised to drive me to my rehearsal this morning!” I did? Another thing I forgot about last night. Oh what a morning. My eyes still mostly shut, and my head whirling, I got up and stumbled to the door. “Bobby?!” Jenny said, as I opened it.

But I didn’t have any energy for little sisters just then. I needed a shower something awful, and I had to pee. I just waved at her as I brushed past her into the bathroom, kicking the door mostly closed with my foot. I stumbled over to the toilet, dropped my briefs, threw them in a corner, and sat down. I didn’t think I even had the energy to stand up. Even peeing felt weird. My head was totally spinning. I looked up at the mirror, wondering just how wasted I was.

The page-turn stuff was, unfortunately, on the next page
It’s tough, this 16-line challenge. Or even 17 lines. In this case, the one that would have created enough of a story question to move me forward was on line 19—the next page, unless you play with the formatting a little. Until then, we just have someone dealing with a hangover, not the most tense of scenes. It actually has a much more interesting premise than that.

More than that, when I did learn what was going on, the narrative’s credibility didn’t live long. You see, this person waking up is a boy/believes he is a boy, but he’s in a young woman’s body. His sister is still his sister and his mother his mother, and they see nothing wrong. But his clothes are all women’s clothes now, and his body is female, and at least a foot shorter. But the only reaction is that he must be dreaming, only in selective parts. For me, considering what is revealed, it doesn’t ring true. Notes:

I pulled the pillow harder over my head. I felt just awful. Or maybe not awful, weird. Every inch of my body felt totally strange. And I was hot. (The narrative is trying to tease us into the character’s feeing “weird” and “strange,” but they are just summary words, telling. As abstracts, they give no picture, no experiential narrative. For me, only the hot part works.)

I reached down; good grief, I was wearing a shirt. I hadn’t worn a shirt to bed since was 12 twelve years old and graduated from pajamas to briefs at night. I tugged at it, and the stupid thing stuck underneath me. I finally got it off and tossed it out of bed, my head still firmly buried under the covers. A shirt. I must have been wasted when I went to bed last night. I didn’t remember drinking, but how else could I have gone to bed with my shirt still on? And I felt so weird. (If the character is hot, why still under the covers? Wouldn’t this be the first thing to come off? And still with the weirdness—what is causing that feeling?)

I was just rolling over again when a knock came at the door, “Bobby! Bobby, don’t forget. You promised to drive me to my rehearsal this morning!” I did had? Another thing I forgot I’d forgotten about last night. Oh what a morning. My eyes still mostly shut, and my head whirling, I got up and stumbled to the door. “Bobby?!” Jenny said, as I opened it.

But I didn’t have any energy for little sisters just then. I needed a shower something awful, and I had to pee. I just waved at her as I brushed past her into the bathroom, kicking the door mostly closed with my foot. I stumbled over to the toilet, dropped my briefs, threw them in a corner, and sat down. I didn’t think I even had the energy to stand up. Even peeing felt weird. My head was totally spinning. I looked up at the mirror, wondering just how wasted I was. (I cut the foot because what else would you kick a door shut with. More feeling weird without the what that feels weird. Here’s what the character is not experiencing: breasts; pink panties; urinating from a vulva, not a penis. How is that possible? Can you imagine waking up and having a completely different body and not noticing? I guarantee you, if I had awakened this morning with breasts, wearing pink panties instead of my normal briefs, and not having a penis, I would have noticed. Were I female, I would have noticed not having breasts, wearing briefs instead of my normal panties, and having a penis. That this character doesn’t makes him/her so unreliable that I’m not interested in following him or her because he/she seems unable to deliver to me what should be a fascinating experience—gender transformation, and all that goes with that.)

As I said, a good premise, but the attempt to surprise the reader and the character with what has happened doesn’t feel real at all to me. In the later portions of the chapter, the character just keeps going and never really questions or reacts to the transformation, stubbornly (even after a shower) thinking it’s a dream, and doesn't question being unable to wake up. It just didn’t play. For me, I think it would have been much more interesting for the character to realize early on what has happened and then have to deal with it. What would she/he say to her mother and sister? How would they react? Fiction helps us survive by exploring how to deal with unexpected things, but this narrative refuses to go there, at least not soon enough for me.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Von]

Yes, the sixteen line cut off was awkward here. If/when I publish this I will have to edit to get the significant lines onto the first page, so that at least those that are intrigued by the concept and treatment of it will 'catch' it on the first page. I self-publish so this is a bit easier.

I have (as so often happens when I submit here :) already changed this first chapter. Let me know if you want me to show you the new beginning.

[Margo Kelly]

I was interested until I read he was in a woman's body. Really? I thought all guys scratched themselves first thing in the morning. The m.c. would've noticed immediately there was no penis when he scratched. He would've thought, "What the...?" HA. That could've even been funny to read.

[Ray Rhamey]

I want to remind everyone that revisions to submitted chapters can be sent any time up to the date of the posting.

While it would be easy to edit to get the character seeing a girl's face in the mirror instead of a boy's as you do in line 19, I still have a problem with him not noticing things such as "I'm wearing pink panties," "I have no penis," and "I have breasts all of a sudden."

[Von]

Hey, I didn't know that! Silly me.

I agree with your critique... except that you are actually criticizing a plot element instead of an unrealism. But you don't get that till the end of the book, so, hmmm.

[Liz Tee]

You do of course know that females don't pee from the vagina... I'm guessing you mean vulva, the visible part of the lady bits. Just a pet peeve of mine. Sorry.

[Ray Rhamey]

Liz Tee, you're absolutely correct, and I apologize for anatomical error. It shouldn't have happened, even when running late at 6:30 in the morning. I'll correct it in the post so future readers won't be exposed to my ignorance about feminine intimate anatomy.

[Von]

Urethra would be even better, actually, except that boys pee from their urethra too :)

[jon]

Hiya, Vaughn.

I'd have turned the page. Yay!

Minor nitpicks: the second sentence in p1 was a bit odd. Also with P1, it's high time to bust out the ol' metaphor sprinkler, methinks, because "weird" and "strange" are about the least-descriptive descriptors I can imagine.

In P3, "Another thing I forgot about last night" was ambiguous - did he promise last night? or, last night, did he forget about the fact that he was supposed to give Jenny a ride? And if that's the case, if Bobby doesn't remember last night, how does he remember he didn't remember?

(reading that over, now _I_ feel weird. :o) )

P4, "I needed to shower something awful" - why? Did he smell? He was hot, yes, but did he stink from something? Was he covered in dried sweat? This should have been set up earlier.

And, oh look. Weird again. :op

All the above aside, this is nice work. Definitely would flip the page. (The logic as to -why- is a bit convoluted, though. Goes like this. "If this is just some hung over kid, it's hardly a story, right? So there must be more to it, and I'm curious to see what it is.")

That said, if he turns out on page 3 to have blacked out from drinking, the story probably loses me, unless the character grabs my sympathies and/or interest in some way that makes me need to read further.

Good luck with this!
-j

[Von]

Thanks -j. I do have to kill all the 'wierds' and 'stranges'.

I have actually finished this story in first draft, if anyone is masochistic enough to want to read the whole thing :)

[jon]

After reading others' comments...

Not to be crass, but I can't imagine a guy - particular a high-school-age-guy, but most guys, as far as I know - really having to pee without the genitalia being in at least -some- state of arousal.

And an opportunity, if you want it, to have an early signal that the body's wrong -- when s/he takes the shirt off, even if s/he was rather flat, the breasts would probably feel swollen from what s/he's used to.

(And yes, if the character's hot and sweaty, the blankets would come off first. Maybe give him the opportunity to notice that his legs are shaved. And leaner (or fatter, depending on hir build) than s/he was used to.) The leanness/fatness s/he might not notice, but the hairlessness (or prickles of hair if not recently shaved) would probably get some notice.)

Were this my piece, what I'd do is look for every opportunity to show the character as female... even as s/he thinks of hirself as male.

Here are a few things that may have changed (other than the obvious), and would have physical effect on walking and catching oneself against walls and such:

a) weight
b) height
c) possible change in muscularity of legs (support)
d) center of balance
e) toes may have different sore spots and calluses due to different shoes
f) hair length
g) residue of makeup from the night before - lipstick on lips not used to wearing it?
h) possible upper-body strength decrease
i) distribution of body fat
j) fingernails.

...etc.

So, I recommend looking for some of that stuff--and more--and seeing what you can logically fit in without it seeming ridiculous. I -think- you might be better off creating dramatic irony -- the reader knows that the MC is female before the MC does; that will make the reader wonder why the disconnect, which might serve as a nice hook.

Good luck!

[Chris]

Hey Vaughn,

I think you have a very interesting premise, but I agree with Ray's comments that we don't get to the revelation fast enough. To me, it really feels like you're trying to set up false tension, and to couple that with a borderline cliche "groggy-character-waking-up-to-unexpected-drama" opening, this opening really weakens what could be a dynamic story.

Why not open the story right at the point where your character realizes s/he has undergone the gender shift? It doesn't even have to have happened overnight, unless there was some key elements of the story that tie to that period (alien abduction, magical spell of an evil warlock, super-secret CIA personality-swapping experiment, a rift between an alternate universe, or whatever).

Whatever the force behind the transformation, if we join Bobby/Bobbi right at the moment of realization, I think it could really have impact and draw in the reader:

'I slipped into the boys room after 3rd period, and everything seemed normal until I discovered that my penis was missing.'

Now there's an opening that grabs ya, huh?

And Ray: CONGRATULATIONS! Much luck and success with the VKK Chronicles!!!

[Jon]

As a side conversation, playing with something this fraught with issues (gender politics, experiences of different genders, problems that transgender folks face (and the problems that gender-fixed folks have with transgender folks), etc., etc.,) probably have an interesting story behind the story.

So, out of curiosity, Von, what are you trying to do with this story? What do you want the reader to come away from the story with?

[Caroline]

You lost me when the man, I assumed, SAT on the toilet to pee.I kept thinking what man sits on the toilet to pee??? Did I miss something here? A man was transformed into a woman. The reaction of feeling weird and strange would not be the thought "he" had, trust me.

I love this forum,Ray.

[Von]

>>So, out of curiosity, Von, what are you trying to do with this story?

As I said earlier, you are welcome to the entire story if you wish. Just email me at von@vonsbooks.com.

Much of the issues raised, unfortunately, are part of the plot, and writing them out would be impossible... or at least very difficult. He is supposed to wake up, and supposed to be totally psychologically confused, missing a lot of what is going around and within him.

but I will think about it.

[Bree]

I'd like to add one little nit-pick. You used the word "mostly" twice inside of four lines. And you could get rid of both of them by using different language.

"I cracked my eyes open."
"The door swung around but stopped short of clicking shut."

And as a side note...eww, who goes to the bathroom with the door open when there are other people in the house?

[Marcel]

It was a no for me. Implausibility aside, this sample lacked flow. There's a forced feel to it and I believe it's because of the false tension that fills the narrative. By telling the story like it is, instead of forcing things for "plot elements," which gives it a gimmicky feel, it'll ring truer and work better, IMO.

Good luck with it.