Friday Fun & Flogometer for Katherine—would you turn the page?

Chapter 2 Vampires underground (where else?)

Ray Rhamey's Podcast

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Friday Fun: the podcast of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles, chapter two, is above. It weighs in at 16 minutes. Please give it a try when you could use a break, a laugh, and can play sound. Oh, and I’d love to get your feedback on it. Eventually these will be compiled into a single audiobook. You can now subscribe to the series for free at PodOmatic and iTunes. If you like what you hear, visit www.vampire.com for more fun.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Katherine's first 16 lines:

At two am in the morning Chiquita’s father shook her awake. “Pack some clothes,” he said. “Don’t take too long. We’re leaving in ten minutes.”

He left before she could ask any questions. Half-asleep, she dragged herself out of bed and stumbled to her dresser. She dumped the top two drawers into a bag, eyes half-closed, and lurched downstairs.

Her father was in the kitchen tossing objects into a backpack. Leaning against the door frame, Chiquita watched them disappear inside – sheaves of science records, keys; their passports. All the small things vital to their life. The pack swallowed them whole and demanded more, its dark, gaping maw insatiable.

“Dad, what’s going on?”

Her father froze, laying his palms flat on the kitchen counter. He leaned all of his weight on the bench, before he turned. When she saw his haggard expression, her stomach did a double flip.

“We’re going to the airport. Have you got your things?”

“But Dad, where are we going? And why?”

“There’s a Convention in Perth, we’re going to that. Grab your bags.”

“We’re going to Australia?”

I give this a “yes, but. . .”
Katherine writes that she has no idea at what level her writing is (and assumes it’s all terrible). Well, it’s at a pretty good level—you created just enough tension in this opening to make me wonder what would happen next. What happens next is a wild chase in the night, shots, and a car crash. So, on the storytelling side, not bad at all. There was some overwriting here and there, though, so watch out for that. Notes:

At two a.m., in the morning Chiquita’s father shook her awake. “Pack some clothes,” he said. “Don’t take too long. We’re leaving in ten minutes.” (No need for “in the morning” if it’s a.m. I’d use the periods in “a.m.” because otherwise it looks like “am.” Giving the time this way is a sort of acceptable use of summary/telling, but it could have been done experientially to get you inside the character’s head. For example: Chiquita’s father shook her awake. “Pack some clothes,” he said. “Don’t take too long, we’re leaving in ten minutes.” It was dark. She squinted at her clock. 2:00? In the morning?)

He left before she could ask any questions. Half-asleep, she dragged herself out of bed and stumbled to her dresser. She dumped the top two drawers into a bag, eyes half-closed, and lurched downstairs. (I bought this on the first read, but in going back through I question the credibility of her simply dumping two drawers into her bag and having thus packed a normal assortment of underwear, socks, shirts, pants or skirts, etc. It’s a bit too easy. I wouldn’t go into detail on what she packs and how, she could just rummage through drawers and her closet until the bag was full.)

Her father was in the kitchen, tossing objects into a backpack. Leaning against the door frame, Chiquita watched them disappear inside – sheaves of science records, keys; their passports. All the small things vital to their life. The pack swallowed them whole and demanded more, its dark, gaping maw insatiable. (I felt this was more detail than necessary [overwriting] and called too much attention to the backpack. The detail of an insatiable, gaping maw was creepy, but it made me expect something to come that involved the backpack, and that didn’t happen.)

“Dad, what’s going on?”

Her father froze, laying his palms flat on the kitchen counter. He leaned all of his weight on the bench, before he turned. When she saw his haggard expression, her stomach did a double flip. (This was, for me, a good way to inject tension and mystery, and was the primary thing that made me turn the page.)

“We’re going to the airport. Have you got your things?”

“But Dad, where are we going? And why?”

“There’s a Convention in Perth, we’re going to that. Grab your bags.”

“We’re going to Australia?” (The shock and surprise of their destination might have more impact if we knew where they were. I’m assuming Britain—what if she thought, in internal monologue, something such as Eight thousand miles?)

Katherine, there was strong writing in the rest of the chapter, with good details to create tension, although at times a bit too much detail. As you polish, remember to give the narrative from inside the girl’s head so we can share her experience.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Rebecca]

I agreed with the overwriting comments, and in fact would have given almost the same feedback about what to take out.

I felt like the tension was there in the first few lines, and then when I got to the "we're going to Australia for a convention" part, I thought... all that tension, for nothing.

So I guess, my feedback is... why are they in such a tense hurry to get to a "Convention"? I'm not sure I would have turned the page after that, because I sort of felt manipulated and then let down.

On the other hand, if you could contextualize her surprise and fear for me, I would probably turn the page.

Good writing, though. It takes talent to create tension in 16 lines.

[Jean]

I was on board until the very end when it turns out they are just going to a convention. It sounded like a good tense situation until that point, but then I'm left wondering if he's feeding her a line and there really is danger ahead or if he's just an eccentric scientist that got it in his head to pack up and go right this instant. More reaction from the girl would give me a clue as to which is correct.

I loved the line about the backpack's gaping maw, but I do agree that it puts too much focus on the backpack instead of what is going on.

[Mit]

I agree. It was good - and moving fast - until the "got to go to the convention" bit.

This asks me to suspend belief. Conventions are not last minute things. You must be invited and register. Make hotel reservations. Some conventions/conferences sell out and last minute attendees aren't welcome. But the biggest thing is who decides on the spur of the moment to attend one? Unless of course it's a ruse. And now I don't trust you.

[Darcy]

Nice start! I thought, the way it was put, that the convention line was a lie and a pretty flimsy one. That didn't bother me at all.

What put me off were the following lines:

Her father froze, laying his palms flat on the kitchen counter. He leaned all of his weight on the bench, before he turned.

I can't picture this action. Freezing can't be combined with the action of laying his palms somewhere. Then he's standing with his palms on the counter, so where does the bench fit in?

But all in all, I was curious and I turned. :)

[Kath]

Firstly - elated to have written even the beginnings of a possibly OK story. :) I realise there is a LOT of work to go yet, and that even that may be an understatement.

Secondly, the point is that they _aren't_ going to a Convention. As is revealed in a few lines time. There are meant to be subtle hints of this throughout the following paragraphs, but I can't say if they work or not. In the revised edition, there is more at the beginning to show the reader this, so hopefully the whole 'Convention' thing won't be a put-off!

As a final note, I actually did a rewrite this chapter earlier, before this post made its appearance, and some of the revisions suggested are ones I've already made - such as the removal of 'in the morning'. (I realised that this was obvious...)

I have also modified the beginning slightly, so as to make her father's actions seem a little more strange before all the weird stuff starts happening.

Unfortunately, as Ray knows, my computer's hard drive crashed - wiping all saved revisions. I have copies in my email server and have been sifting through 2000+ emails for more than a week, trying to find them. I said I was more than happy for the unrevised edition to be posted here, because I wasn't sure if I'd find the others or not. The funny thing is that I finally found it this morning, and was just about to send the revision off when I noticed this.

Oh well. I'm still grateful for all the help. Thanks guys. :)

[Kirsty]

I thought that the dumping of the two top drawers into her bag was a brilliant way of telling tons about her character and personality.

[starcheru]

First visit here. I'll turn your pages in RSS but not that kitty cat book. Just because the writer is making a story for 12 year olds doesn't mean the grammar has to be as crude as a 12 year old's. Chiquita banana girl is going to have to go to the convention in Perth without me.

[Ing]

The conference thing didn't bother me at all; from context, I assumed it was a lie to keep Chiquita from asking inconvenient questions. I didn't catch the continuity error in the countertop becoming a bench until Darcy commented on it; no doubt you've fixed it now.

I agree with Ray and most of the commenters: it's a promising start. Needs some tightening and polishing, but the right elements are there--based on story potential (and assuming the writing will be refined at some point), I'd turn the page.

[Katherine]

Slightly confused by your comment starcheru. Are you referring to my grammar? If so, can you give me some advice - I'm not really sure what I did wrong. Also, what does RSS stand for.

Forgive my ignorance
Kath :)