Friday Fun and flogometer for Karen—would you turn the page?

The whole podcast series can be found on iTunes or at PodOmatic.

Chapter 4 Lester seeks revenge

Ray Rhamey's Podcast

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Karen’s first 16 lines of what appears to be a brief prologue, though it wasn’t labeled that way:

Most of this town consists of fields and woods. It is deathly quiet and is my tomb. I pray for thunderstorms; they are my escape. I get lost in them and for those precious minutes and am anywhere but here. And the thunder disguises my crying.

As I write, I am sitting at my open bedroom window, watching the curtain flutter and enjoying the rain. I smell the recently mowed grass and the steam from the asphalt as it cools. The pine trees are swaying, and I like the quiet rustle of their needles. They are the words of comfort I get nowhere else. The breezes are the arms consoling me that belong to no one. When my own storm of tears is over, and the thunder ceases, they will disappear again but will tell no one my secrets.

The lightning brightens the entire world for seconds at a time. It is a purple world and more beautiful than the real one. The leaves are a more vibrant green than any daylight has ever exposed. It is a glimpse of an alternate dimension, and one in which I wish I lived. Sometimes the flashes freeze the raindrops mid-air and time stops. I wish it would stop forever and I could stay in this other world. Unfortunately, the storm will pass in another half an hour, and I will be left alone again. Luckily, it is the season for them, and I will have this escape often in the coming months. This is the only bearable part of the year.

My brother Mitch is curled up on my bed, thumb pulling at the corner of his mouth as it has (snip)

Nice, but no for me

Karen’s writing is quite sound, and she does create a definite mood here. It’s a sad mood, though, and for me didn’t create enough tension to prompt a turn of the page. In the four pages submitted, we are soon introduced to the protagonist’s fear of his/her (you never learn which gender) abusive stepfather. Tension does come while he/she hears the creak of stair steps as he mounts them, but that wasn’t in the opening. On the very last page something compelling does happen—apparently the protagonist is somehow transported from his/her room to some other place, though we know not where. If we could have gotten there on this page, I’d have gone on. But I think Karen wants a more leisurely start and an introduction to her character. Keep in mind, though, that while character can be displayed with internal musings such as these, it is best revealed by action, by how the character reacts to what happens to her. Here we don’t have anything actually happening.

The writing is good, though. The only hiccup I’d point out was that it wouldn’t actually be steam coming from the asphalt, but vapor. I do wish the story had gotten to the disappearance soon enough for me to feel the burn of the “what happens next?” question.

Here are the opening paragraphs from the actual first chapter, which I find much more compelling just as they are.

As always, I must keep an ear open for the creaking of the fourth step. It means my step-father, our only guardian, is coming upstairs. He only does this when he is drunk and only to torment us. He will not often hit us -- no. But he will play his games.

When we don’t do anything wrong, he creates accusations off the top of his head. At least with Mom gone, we don’t have to defend ourselves to be punished doubly. When she was still in the picture, she just took his side anyway, and that hurt more. Now we can all agree that it’s a crock of bullshit and suffer the consequences anyway. Believe it or not, it is easier.

Until recently, he has never gotten physical. That would leave evidence, and I hate to admit that he’s always been smarter than that. But I believe there is such a thing as mental rape. Lately, however, due to the alcohol, this is no longer satisfactory. He began drinking earlier today, and I knew he had something up his sleeve. He hit Mitchell tonight at supper.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

The first page is quite well-written, but you'd have to be a fan of literary novels to appreciate it, and I'm not.

I had a few nitpicks (big surprise, eh?).

The first paragraph was difficult to follow, and I had to reread it a number of times before I could move on to the second paragraph. There were two main glitches:

The subject "It" in the second sentence doesn't have (for me) a clear antecedent. After rescanning, I figured out that the antecedent was "this town". But I shouldn't have to rescan on the second sentence already.

Then I got completely lost in the third sentence. The "and for those precious moments and am anywhere but here" just didn't make sense to me as written.

I suppose it's the literary style, but I'd prefer more contractions instead of "I am", "I will", and "it is".

The "steam from the asphalt" didn't bother me so much as that it was being smelled. Seen, perhaps, but I can't say that I've ever smelled the vapors from asphalt. Nor do I think I'd want to.

I'd shrink "another half an hour" to "another half hour".

Good writing overall, but any story that begins with extensive rumination by the lead character is not going to get my vote.

[Doug]

The start of chapter 1 was somewhat more interesting, but still didn't work for me. There is some suspense, but almost the entire excerpt is flashback.

More nitpicks:

First sentence: "As always, I must" is overkill. Just one or the other, or (my preference) neither. I think that simply "I keep an ear open" delivers considerably more suspense because it suggests that our protagonist is expecting her step-father to come soon, not just that it sometimes happens and thus she's always wary.

Second sentence: "my step-father" uses the singular pronoun, but the rest of the excerpt, including the phrase immediately following--"our only guardian"--use plural pronouns.

Second paragraph: "don't have to defend ourselves to be punished doubly" didn't make any sense to me. I'm guessing it should have been something like "from being punished". Also, from the other snippets it sounds like any defense would be a waste of time, but this sentence suggests otherwise.

The "Believe it or not" is directly addressing the reader, something that I personally don't mind but many people find jarring.

The final paragraph of the excerpt loses its way with the sentence about mental rape, because the following sentence doesn't have the proper sentence to contrast its "however" with.

The final paragraph contradicts the first paragraph:
* "He only does this [torment us] when he is drunk" vs. "due to the alcohol, this [verbal abuse] is no longer satisfactory".
* "He will not often hit us" vs. "Until recently, he has never gotten physical."

Right toward the end of the excerpt, "I knew he had something up his sleeve" is out of place in a piece written in present tense. Unless for some reason the protagonist thought he had something up his sleeve and that's why he was drinking.

[Lexi Revellian]

I quite liked the leisurely start, and it's nicely written; though the only hint of a story was the narrator's unhappiness, which came across to me as tinged with self-pity and thus a bit off-putting.

Two consecutive sentences, one starting with 'unfortunately' and the other with 'luckily' is...unfortunate.

[Christine H.]

I liked the first page a lot. But I think that it could be tightened up a little.

I have a hard time with the abusive stepfather thing, just because it's a really hard thing for me to read about. I love the style of literary novels, but I don't read them because every one I pick up is so depressing, and too close to what I see every night on the news and hear from other people about what's happening in real life to people we know. So the subject matter isn't for me.

However, the whole thing about another dimension in the thunderstorm, THAT was cool! That is what made me want to turn the page. Unfortunately, if I got to the stepfather part, I'd probably cringe and put it down.

But I love your writing. It's beautiful

[Ing]

I think Ray is right on the money with this one. Karen has a great way with words (though as a previous comment noted, there's some overwriting in a few places), and the opening created a vivid picture, but I wouldn't have kept turning the pages. If something more like the second excerpt had come first, I might have been hooked.

[Aimee Laine]

I think the opening could be a melancholy (sp?) piece of flash fiction with a little tweaking! :)

[WDW]

Hi Karen,

I had to read and re-read the first two paragraphs to try to understand the weather. Was it a gentle rain or a thunderstorm, or no rain at all? The conflicting phrases for me were...

1) "...the thunder disguises my crying..." followed by "...watching the curtain flutter..." In a storm, would the curtains be fluttering or whipping?

2) "...pine trees are swaying, and I like the quiet rustle." In a big storm, wouldn't pine trees be being bent to the point or breaking? And they'd sound off much more than a quiet rustle, yes?

3) "The breezes are the arms consoling..." A kick-ass thunderstorm has no breezes and does not console. It howls and screams and and does anything but console!

I think that the paragraph that starts with... "The lightning brightens..." is a very good one. It has an old-style feel to it that I like a lot, but sadly many other readers will not. Your style in this paragraph reminds me of George MacDonald; he wrote "Lilith" and other novels more than 100 years ago. I love his style, but most people today, sadly, would drop him in a flash.

In summary, I very much like your tone and one paragraph. And I think that if you address what seems to me like contradictions at the start, I'd love to read more.

[WDW]

Please note that in my comment above, "point or breaking" should read "point OF breaking."

Thank you!

[WDW]

...and please excuse the double "and"!

I think I need an editor!! :)

[jon]

Hi, Karen!

I voted yes on this one. Despite the lack of external movement, the writing is quite excellent, and I have enough of a white-knight complex to make me want to know what's bothering this (I assume) young lady.

For the sample here, I actually have no changes to suggest. Which is, I think, a first here. Nice work.

I would caution that if this work continued at this non-pace, I might lose interest; something needs to happen soon, IMO. But the writing here is sound enough that I'd turn one page, and possibly two, based on the promise made by the writing quality.

(I'd contextually disagree with Ray's Steam > Vapor comment, btw -- if the 1p narrator calls it steam, then it's steam no matter what it's actually called.)

Excellent work. Good luck with it, and thanks for sharing.

-j