Flogometer for Margo—would you turn the page?

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New review of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles by The Monster Librarian

Patch is your everyday tomcat, with a life any cat would die for. Until he is turned into a vampire, that is. Suddenly, he finds himself in constant peril. He is nearly staked, is being tried for murder, and almost has his tail cut off, all while trying to figure out where his next V1 (that's blood to you non-vampires) will come from and win an election with his associate, Meg. Who says life is easier when you're dead?

Chock full of one-liners, teens that like a horror novel to have a good dose of humour will thoroughly enjoy The Vampire Kitty-Cat Chronicles. It is fast-paced, a quick read, and the characters, especially Patch, are amusing and engaging. This book will appeal to a wide YA audience, as well as many adults. It does, however, contain commentary on controversial topics (such as religious fanaticism) that may offend and thus, may not be suitable for all YA readers. Recommended for public library YA horror collections.

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The Flogometer challenge:compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Today we compare a prologue and a chapter from a YA novel. While Agent Kristin Nelson says that sometimes prologues do work and can be valuable, she also lays out the risk you take with a prologue:

“Almost all the agents I know completely skip the prologue and start with chapter one when reading sample pages.”

Margo’s prologue’s first 16 lines:

A child miseducated is a child lost. - John F. Kennedy

Michael’s mother was mad, again. However, as she and Michael left the principal’s office, his mother smiled and greeted each person cheerfully as they passed. She carried her handbag in the crook of her right arm while she firmly grasped Michael’s ear with her left hand. She pulled him along as she strode out of the office, down the hall, and out the main door of the school. This said a lot for her coordination, considering she was wearing platform shoes and a short tight skirt. Her bleached blond hair glistened in the humid Georgia sunshine, but not a drop of perspiration escaped her tight face.

Luckily, she had found a parking spot right in front of the building – so she wouldn’t have to maintain the façade much longer. She released Michael’s ear, opened the back door to the sedan, and quickly glanced around the parking lot. There were no onlookers. As Michael bent to get into the car, she slapped him hard alongside his head. “STUPID! How dare you humiliate me.”

Michael grabbed his face where the lingering sting caused the blood to throb inside his head. He knew better than to say anything back to her. She slammed his door and gracefully positioned herself in the driver’s seat. She adjusted the rearview mirror making momentary eye contact with Michael. He quickly looked away. As she pulled the car out of the parking space (snip)

And now the first chapter opening:

Thirty five years later.

“The group consisting of mother, father and child is the main educational agency of mankind.” - Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

My eyes were swollen. I could tell. Even in the pitch black darkness on that cold November morning, I could tell. The hours spent crying yesterday left my eyelids pink and puffy. I dreaded facing the mirror, let alone the day. I pulled my fluffy down comforter up around my neck and cuddled back in bed for awhile longer but I was haunted by the memories of the previous day. I replayed the words. How could Tim attack me with the things he said?

Dad had tried to console me afterwards by saying, “Cynthia, sweetheart, we love you. That’s all that matters. Besides, you can’t be interested in boys yet. You’re only eleven. You can’t even date until you’re sixteen. You know the rules.”

I sighed and said, “Thanks. Very helpful.” Patting me on the back, he turned things over to Mom. At least she acted like she understood my pain. She wrapped her arms around me and whispered, “Boys are dumb. Therefore they say dumb things. The sooner you learn this, the less you will suffer.” Maybe she did understand a little bit, but I still wanted a boyfriend. After yesterday, my chances were ruined in that department.

Close on prologue, not on chapter

The story question of what will happen to the boy almost got me there on the prologue, but the point-of-view shift in the second paragraph was a deterrent. The chapter opening might have suffered from me being an adult, it concerning what seems like teen angst about a boy, but to me it wasn’t a grabber of a scene. Also, for me, the quotes that took up valuable page space didn’t help.

Now consider this: Margo’s email said that this story is about a girl who falls prey to an Internet predator. That’s a story I’d like to read. But there’s really no hint of that in these two openings. I’m guessing that the prologue is a scene from the childhood of the predator. The chapter introduces a girl of 11 (yes, I thought she was a teen too, until I found her age later on). For my money, this story starts too early. I wonder if there’s a scene where, with tears on her face from a boy’s abusive taunts, the girl logs on and discovers the first Internet post/message that hooks her. That’s when she would be most vulnerable, it seems to me. That kind of scene, with the nature of her feelings and the taunt woven in, could do the trick. Seems like there’s a really interesting, topical story here, but for me we need to get to it much sooner.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jon]

Hiya, Margo!

This was a no for me, alas.

This piece has a nice sense of drama in that first paragraph (though I would have left off the first line, leading with the image of the smiling, friendly, casual woman dragging her son by the ear -- creeeepy!!), and the general flow of the three paragraphs worked well enough as far as the actual events and pacing of same.

But that flow, unfortunately, isn't enough for me. What really threw me was the level of narrative intrusiveness in the story - it didn't give me any room to breathe or to experience my own story.

You might consider rewriting this -- just as an exercise -- by removing all evidence of the narrator's knowledge of what's going on in the scene. A first paragraph done that way might look like this:

--

As Michael’s mother pulled him down the hall from the principal's office, she smiled and greeted each person they passed. She carried her handbag in the crook of her right arm while she firmly grasped Michael’s ear with her left hand. She wore platform shoes and a short tight skirt. When they left the school, her bleached blond hair glistened in the humid Georgia sunshine, but not a drop of perspiration escaped her tight face.

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Is it Shakespeare? Not yet :o). But compare that version with the original and you'll see that the less-narrator-intrusion version gives the reader room to draw their own conclusions.

Alternately, you can largely stick with what you have - an ominiscient point of view narrator - and strengthen the narrator voice. (You'd still be, I think, well served to give the reader some room to figure things out for themselves, though; finding the balance in omni is -hard-!)

Forgive me if this is all known to you, but if not, it might help to think of viewpoint as follows:

1st person: The reader is the character in the movie. Everything that happens happens to the reader.

3rd person, close: The reader is the cameraman/woman, shooting over the character's shoulder and able to hear the quiet thoughts that the character is voicing under their breath.

3rd person, distant: The reader is in the movie audience, watching all the action and making inferences based on what she sees.

3rd person, omni: The reader is sitting in the audience watching the movie while the person next him describes what he sees as the most important thing that's happening onscreen, no matter who we're following. (A more authoritative version might be the director on a DVD voiceover, telling you what's going on and letting only the dialog speak for itself while you watch)

You can see why the omni narrator needs to be a strong voice here - if you're going to listen to someone tell you the movie AS YOU'RE WATCHING THE FRICKIN' THING, that person needs to be some combination of engaging and enlightening; if they're boring in tone or if all they do is tell you thinks you already know, they're just being annoying and not adding value to the experience.

If that person IS very engaging, or is very perceptive and sees things you don't have any chance of figuring out for yourself, then they can actually enhance the movie for you.

Too, because you're listening to the neighbor's/director's thoughts on the characters' situations, you find yourself distracted from what's actually going on with the characters. In good omni, this is okay because the narration actually makes engaging events even better than what's on screen by itself; in less-capable omni, it prevents you from getting ANYTHING out of the movie because it's so distracting.

Sorry for the mini-lecture; hope it's helpful and not just regurgitating what you already know. :o)

Good luck with this piece! Thanks for sharing!

-j

[Margo Kelly]

Ah... public flogging is a bit more embarrassing than I anticipated! But, worth it for the feedback - - THANKS!!

I feel compelled to explain/justify a few things, and that alone tells me my writing must have fallen short. The writing "should" stand on its own.

And yet:
1. I wrote the prologue in an attempt to justify the actions of the predator. Why? Because on an emotional level, I can't understand why predators do what they do... SHOULD I ELIMINATE the prologue and sell it as a short story?

2. The main character's age is eleven (at the beginning), because that was the age of my daughter when this happened - - ah, yes. The story is VERY fictionalized, but it is based on actual events. And it happened that young. BUT, SHOULD I CHANGE THE AGE to make the story more believable?

3. Third problem, where to start the story? Apparently, I feel a need to justify both the predator and the victim beforehand. Maybe I should just get over it, and jump to the first major action scene...

I think this story has great potential (obviously still a work in progress) but I'm struggling with these things listed above.

Thanks for the help.

Ray - you rock! :) And this remains my favorite website for writers. THANKS.

[TamaraL]

Hi Margo: I feel like backstory on the predator should come later, so the reader's impression of him can change. He can start out a 2-dimensional villain and then grow. You could even keep the reader in the dark alongside the protagonist, and have us wonder if it's a teen boy at first, then the hints, then the growing dread, eeeek!

[Doug]

There's promise of good content (I'm no judge of YA) and it's written with a good command of English.

What's missing is an understanding of the craft of writing novels. There are a number of web sites and books on the craft, and I recommend reading some of them. Yes, you'll find some contradictory material there. Fiction writing's an art, not a science, and it's one that has fashions that come and go.

Prologue:

Like Ray pointed out, prologues are generally undesirable for modern novels. This one didn't add anything to my understanding of what was going on at the beginning of the first chapter, so if it does contain important information, that information can be slipped into the main body of the novel as it's needed.

The epigraphs (quotes) are also a waste of your effort. Agents and editors will skip them because they're interested in judging *your* writing, and if your book does see print the epigraphs will have been stripped by the publisher to save space. Unless you're a famous author, or are self-publishing, don't bother with epigraphs.

The prologue contained no real tension. Conflict, but not tension. Tension is what makes stories interesting: the reader wants to know what will happen next.

The time frame for the prologue isn't clear, but working backward from the opening of Chapter 1 it seems to be in the mid-70s. Back then, children generally rode in the front seat. There also wasn't any stigma to hitting your child, so she wouldn't have needed to look around the lot.

The opening line of the prologue is "telling, not showing". Not a promising way to start.

The second line of the prologue seems to be misconstructed, with "as [they] left the principal's office ... as they passed." The time sequence doesn't make sense; it says that she greeted everyone just outside the principal's office.

The construction "humid ... sunshine" struck me as a bit odd, but I suspect that someone more literary than I would find it to be okay.

The opening "Luckily," on paragraph 2 can go. The dash in that sentence is not the right punctuation.

The point of view broke loose and started scampering about in the third paragraph of the prologue.

The participial phrase in "She adjusted the rearview mirror making momentary eye contact with Michael" is off. A better construction would be "She adjusted the rearview mirror and made momentary eye contact with Michael" or "When she adjusted the rearview mirror, she made momentary eye contact with Michael."

Now to Chapter 1.

No action. Cynthia lies in bed and broods about her situation. Starting a novel with extended brooding by the protagonist doesn't usually fly these days.

First paragraph: "for a while", not "for awhile". The word "awhile" stands alone as an adverb, not as object in a prepositional phrase.

Same paragraph: I'd put a comma before "but I was haunted". The modern trend is to drop commas that aren't needed for clear comprehension, so this isn't a "must do".

Same paragraph: "I was haunted by the memories of the previous day. I replayed the words." This is redundant. I recommend that you collapse them into a single statement. I'd lean toward the "replayed", because "was haunted" is passive voice.

Second paragraph: the transition to backstory brings your story to a halt before it even gets moving. Again, slip the important parts of this information in later, as we need them, and let the rest go. One rule of thumb is to keep the story moving forward in "story time" for at least two scenes before providing more than passing references to backstory.

Mom's dialogue sounded stilted to me: "Boys are dumb. Therefore they say dumb things." I'd expect something more straightforward, like "Boys say dumb things."

The tension here was low: what did Tim say, and how is Cynthia going to handle it? If this story is about an Internet predator, I think you might be starting too early. I don't know, starting here might work in YA, but at least get Cynthia out of bed and doing something interesting.

[Chris]

Hey Margo,

I nixed the prologue, but I actually said 'yes' to the chapter opening.

In general, I'm anti-prologue. I think it's a false 'teaser' that basically tells your reader: "Hey look -- I know the beginning of my story is going to be slow and dull, so I want to give you a hint of some good stuff that will make sense later, so I can lure you to wade through the dreary parts first."

I'd rather just start with the good stuff right from the beginning. I love hints, clues, foreshadowing, and other tidbits of intrigue, but I'd prefer them woven in as the story unfolds.

Your chapter beginning was a bit slow, but I liked the voice and felt a compelling identification with the young character. I was curious to see how she dealt with whatever happened "yesterday" to "ruin her chances" of a boyfriend "forever".

OK, maybe that's not a lot of story drama or tension raised, and so I would want you to begin laying down more hints of it quickly in the next page or two, but I liked the story enough at this point to at least want to keep reading.

As to your question about the girl's age: I think eleven could really add to the drama, but depending on how terrible the events are that happen to her by the Internet stalker, it could make this a little too traumatic of a story for younger readers.

But as the parent of a girl who was eleven not-too-long ago, it sure freaks me out and really raises my emotional stakes becuase I KNOW that kind of crap happens to 11-year old girls in real life.

Good luck and keep up the good work!

[Jon]

Hi, Margo.

Sorry, I missed that there was a chapter 1 opening too - only looked at the prologue, and now I have no time. Sorry :(

As to your questions:

1. I wrote the prologue in an attempt to justify the actions of the predator. Why? Because on an emotional level, I can't understand why predators do what they do... SHOULD I ELIMINATE the prologue and sell it as a short story?

Probably, yes, if that's the ONLY reason it's there. If your bad guy's actions don't make sense without the introduction, then the scenes with the bad guy in them (or the scenes where they discover stuff about the bad guy, dunno where you're going) need to make that stuff infer-able (not explicitly stated, probably).

2. The main character's age is eleven (at the beginning), because that was the age of my daughter when this happened - - ah, yes. The story is VERY fictionalized, but it is based on actual events. And it happened that young. BUT, SHOULD I CHANGE THE AGE to make the story more believable?

She seemed a little older than 11 to me when I read it (after finding out it was there). But kids are getting older every year, it seems. 11 isn't, alas, unbelievable to me.

That said, 11 is VERY young for a protag who's going to undergo any sort of harrowing experiences; in general, it's my understanding (ill informed though it may be) that kids tend to like protags their age or a couple of years older than they are. Research this (I won't, because I don't write YA :o) ) before believing it, though. If that's true, though, then you'll have 9-year-olds reading this...

That said, the story needs what the story needs. If some aspect of the story requires her to be 11, then 11 she should be. Would an 11 year old make different decisions than 14 year old, that would lead to different outcomes? I'd imagine so. Figure out where you want this to go, and go from there.

3. Third problem, where to start the story? Apparently, I feel a need to justify both the predator and the victim beforehand. Maybe I should just get over it, and jump to the first major action scene...

Not the first action scene, please! :o)

One bit of advice I've seen that I rather like is to think of the book like a trip; the story starts when the door locks behind the MC with no possibility of return.

From that, you can see that while an action start is certainly possible, any number of other starts are also possible.

Older styles of writing often start with futtering around the house, but "modern audiences" want to get going on the trip as soon as possible.

(As for "no possibility of return" - most folks don't go out seeking adventure; they have their comfortable lives, and if something pushes them too far outside their comfort zones they can walk away and go home where it's safe and boring. If the door is locked and the house burned down, though, they have no home; they're forced to go out and figure out what's next.)

HTH!
-j

[hope101]

Margo, besides the comments you've already received about the prologue, I'm sorry to tell you that the almost identical set-up is used by Linda Howard in "My Perfect". In that case it's used to plant a red herring for the reader so we don't recognize the identity of a serial killer in the rest of the book. Even so, I'm not really sure it was needed.

I don't profess to be a story wonk, but I'm also wondering if your inciting incident hasn't taken place off camera. To help you get some ideas about that, here's a link that might help:

http://www.arghink.com/2010/02/08/the-not-really-an-outline-for-plots/

For some reason, the way Jennifer Crusie teaches makes sense to me. Perhaps it will help you.

[hope101]

Er, that should be "Mr. Perfect".

[Marcel]

I voted yes on the prologue and barely yes on chapter one (and I don't read YA).

As to prologues and the gospel you'll hear against them, turns out at least three of the top ten books on the NY Times Best Sellers list today have prologues. This isn't scientific, but it sounds like prologues aren't as frowned upon as some agents and some people claim.

And I have to disagree with Doug--that's a first--about conflict. Conflict is the essence of fiction. Tension is rooted in conflict, not the other way around.

Anyway, the prologue starts with a good scene. It would work better, IMO, if you followed the advice of Jon and pulled the narrator out. A closer POV would be more intimate, IMO.

Chapter one raises interesting questions. However, I didn't buy the girl being 11. Maybe 14 or 15. But as I pointed out, I'm not a reader of the genre (and my daughters are under 5, so I'm not there in real life, yet, and I dread being there!). I believe the internet predator theme may be a bit hackneyed by now, so I hope you have a fresh take on it. Again, as pointed out, I believe the distant POV is working against you, IMO.

Hope101, can you explain what you meant by the set-up being the same as in Mr. Perfect? I took a look. That book has no prologue and is about 3-4 girls, one of who has a weirdo living next door. There's no mention of the internet or anything. Just wondering what the parallels are.

Overall, Margo, the writing was very good, the voice, too, considering the distant POV, and I believe there were enough story questions to draw your target group to turn the page. I think this needs more tweaking than an overhaul. Of course, this is base on the 32 lines I see here.

Good luck with it.

[hope101]

Marcel, I just double checked because I can have a memory like a sieve, but in my version of "Mr. Perfect" there's a prologue. It's written in omniscient (or third with headhopping), we watch a mother defend her son in the principal's office and her response is a little "off".

They drive away in a car and the moment they're alone, she slaps the boy. It's clear she's enraged by the humiliation she's had to endure rather than alarmed by his behavior.