Flogometer for Jan—would you turn the page?

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Google Alerts found this review of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles on BLOG ING.

”The story is told by Patch, an opinionated and independent-minded feline who insists Ray is only his typist, and who pretty well has life by the tail. Until a starving vampire snags him by the tail and initiates him into the ranks of the undead, that is, and Patch discovers that the vampire’s life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be; in fact, death kind of sucks. But then he gets mixed up in politics, and death starts to get downright dangerous… The pace is fast, there’s lots of action, and the humor quotient is pretty high, too; I laughed out loud in several spots, and spent nearly the whole time with a grin and a chuckle never far away. It’s lighthearted, but doesn’t pull too many punches (the satire bites satisfyingly deep sometimes). All in all, a quick, fresh, and most importantly, fun read.”

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The Flogometer challenge:compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Set in 1988, here are Jan’s opening lines:

As the 747 hiccupped through a small pocket of turbulence, Frank Turner's white-knuckled fingers tightened round the armrests in the same vice-like grip he used on the dentist's chair. The cigarette clamped between his teeth was the latest in the chain he'd begun eighteen hours earlier on Liverpool's Lime Street station.

The cloudless blue sky abruptly turned to brown earth as the plane banked sharply for its final landing approach. Frank risked movement to turn and peer impatiently down the aisle. The toilet door remained firmly closed. As his head swung back his cigarette narrowly escaped contact with the crotch of the brisk airhostess who was hurrying the passengers into their safety belts.

"Please extinguish your cigarette and fasten your safety belt, sir," she said, nimbly avoiding the glowing cigarette tip, her bright smile now of a lower wattage after fourteen hours in the air.

Cowed by authority, Frank smiled submissively, but sneaked a few last drags while she strapped in the florid-faced woman in front whose frequent trips to the toilet equated with her having walked the six thousand miles from England to South Africa. He stubbed out his cigarette and fastened his safety belt. The landing was the part he didn't care for. Fraught with tension, anxiety clenched his buttocks, jaw and fists.

Nice, but no for me
No “what happens next” for me

Despite good writing and a likeable voice—loved the 747 hiccupping through an air pocket—nothing in this narrative made me wonder what would happen next. Mostly because nothing much happens here—that a guy is a nervous flyer is about all there is. The whole first chapter was spent introducing his wife and son, getting the airplane landed, and them through baggage check and customs in Durban, South Africa. In other words, throat-clearing. I suggest that Jan find another starting point for the story. The locale would be fun to learn about. But watch out for the head-hopping—sudden shifts of point of view to another character in mid-narrative -- that I saw in later pages.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Aimee Laine]

My issue is very superficial. The word 'cigarette' shows up 4-5 times and while I know it was allowed back then, I can't get over that it was and the repetition brings back too much negativity for me. Ack. Hack. Ick. :) That's probably off-the wall thinking, but it's something that struck me and stopped me. :)

[Jean]

I liked the voice wondered why he was so nervous about flying or if he was going into a tense situation once he landed. I would have read on to find out. However, after reading Ray's comments that the flight ends fine and nothing conflict oriented really happens in the rest of the, I would have disappointed.

[WDW]

Hi Jan,

I think mostly I'd like to know why Frank was traveling from England to South Africa.

To focus so sharply from the beginning on one of Frank's quirks (fear of flying) makes me think that you're writing a head book; all about Frank's head. If so, then your start may be a good one. But if Frank's fear of flying (or other quirks) is not a central theme and is soon to be moved-on-from, then I think I'd rather want to know up front a bit about who Frank is, and why he's traveling.

In support... I think your sentence structure is accurate and accomplished. And you've well described an "at-this-very-moment" scene.

And somehow I think you've got me syntaxing like a Brit, but I'm most certainly not!!!

[Gumption Brash]

Liked the voice, but this opening didn't pose any questions I'd have liked an answer to.

I suggest you mention something about why Frank is flying. To my mind that is essential information a reader would like to know - that could then lead to more interesting questions.

Regards,

[Margo Kelly]

I liked the voice, however some of the content made me stop a couple of times. I understand it's 1988, but I had to stop and think back if cigarettes were still allowed then. Why give the reader something to stop on? Make the reader move forward. Then, if he's rudely smoking (which today's readers would still consider it a social taboo even though it's set 22 years ago), why would he so easily give into the flight attendant? Female flight attendants certainly weren't highly respected as "authority" figures back then. So, while I voted "yes" because I liked your voice and I wanted to find out if the plane was going to crash (which I'm sad to hear Ray say nothing exciting happens on the following pages) ... I almost voted no because I didn't believe the character's choices.

[TamaraL]

Where's Ray's version with the edits? I always enjoy that.

Nice start Jan!

Paragraph 1: you don't need the word small, it's better without it.

Paragraph 3 first sentence: in my head, I heard the line as an announcement over the speakers, so it was jarring when I read it was actually the stewardess. If you put the speaker tag before the line, that will help.

Paragraph 4: a bit clunky for Point of View. POV is tough, and I certainly struggle with it myself! But if we're seeing Frank's thoughts, the narrator is nearly in Frank's head for perspective. I don't think Frank would let the narrator say he is cowed or submissive.

[Lesley]

As his head swung back his cigarette narrowly escaped contact with the crotch of the brisk airhostess who was hurrying the passengers into their safety belts.

I have a problem with this scene. Is it possible?

[Marcel]

I almost voted yes, as well. The first line (it's a great one--love the hiccup) and voice drew me in. But like most, I think something plot-related should happen in the first chapter (which, per Ray, didn't happen). There should be context given to what the story will be about.

You mention that the journey started in Liverpool, so there's no need for the "from England" in: ...walked the six thousand miles from England to South Africa. It's unnecessary repetition.

Also, if there were previous "landing approaches" then I'd mention that this was the "third" (choose a number) try. It's a break in POV for him to assume it's the final one (it could be another try).

The cigarette and crotch dynamics confused me too. I'd clarify by saying this stewardess was walking toward the back of the plane.

I too thought "Cowed by authority," was a POV break. The paragraph reads better without it. It's also telling what his reaction shows. "Fraught with tension," is the same thing.

This just needs fine-tuning, IMO. And getting to the story ASAP. If it was really short--a page or two--you might be able to get away with it (so, get rid of the baggage check and the background about his family, etc).

Good luck.

[jon]

Hi, Jan!

This one was a no for me, alas. (Though, see the last paragraph.)

I don't -hate- the piece... but I just found nothing to make me love it, either. The writing is generally sound (if a tad overwritten), so that's in the piece's favor. But...

The first sentence was off-putting - a lengthy "as..." clause to begin the piece, followed by the actual action, followed by an "in" clause made the whole of it kinda murky for me.

(I might actually lead with the white knuckles bit, leaving the fact that he's in a plane 'til sentence 2...and maybe cutting it altogether. )

I did like sentence 2 in par1, though for some reason it made me think of Duke in Doonesbury.

In par2, the plane going from turbulence to landing approach in the span of a breath seemed unrealistic to me.

The line "Cowed by authority, Frank smiled submissively" was redundant.

Also in the last paragraph, "anxiety" can't be fraught with stuff -- situations are fraught with (filled with/defined by) anxiety.

Oh, and one logistical point - shouldn't the stewardesses (would that be the appropriate '88 term, btw?) have already buckled their folks up BEFORE final approach? Because if they're about to go into a steep bank, as they apparently did, it's gonna get messy...

(also, if they're in turbulence, wouldn't that have required buckle-in?)

All that said... I got the sense in par2 that the bathroom was important to Frank, but it didn't seem to define his actions in any paragraph. It thus minimized the import of the bathroom to him, and gave me no "goal" to work with. Instead, we have a guy on a plane who's scared of flying and, in 2 paragraphs of 4, has thoughts related to the toilet.

All THAT said... though I voted no, on re-reading the sample, MAYBE it's a yes. Because with so much fear in Frank, I kinda want to see if the plane crashes.

But if Frank doesn't do something main-charactery in the first paragraph of page 2, I think I'd put the book down.

Good luck with this piece! Thanks for sharing!

-j

[J Nicholson]

Many thanks for the thoughtful comments. The book is a humorous character-driven story about emigration. Here is the pitch. If you want to read more the book is up on the Authonomy website.

Is home more than ‘where the heart is’?

When Frank Turner informs his wife and teenage son they are emigrating from Liverpool to sunny South Africa, he is unprepared for their hostile response. His defiant son makes his own silent protest, and his wife’s assertion that “we never shoulda come” is parroted at every minor calamity.

The bewildered working-class scousers are thrust into an alien world of servants, strange African customs, unintelligible accents, and unexpected wild life (‘crocodiles’ on the wall).

Their uneasy interactions with Zulu servants, Afrikaner neighbours, and foreign officialdom exposes their naivety, but they each learn to cope in their own individual way; Mavis overcoming homesickness by hugging the knowledge that when Frank’s contract ends they can return home; Gerry’s sullen resentment giving way to love of the outdoor life, and Frank masking his own doubts with blustering optimism and bantering sarcasm.

Having overcome culture shock, the arrival of Mavis’s parents introduces a divided loyalty when Gert and Walter’s National Health glasses and ill-fitting dentures are seen through the eyes of the Turner’s new South African friends. And when Mavis’s sister ‘our Treesa’ and her opinionated husband Clive visit, Mavis surprises herself by hotly defending SA.

The turning point comes when the family return to Liverpool for a holiday. Gerry has outgrown his former feral friends, Mavis realises she is now an expat; a misfit in her former home, and Frank has fresh misgivings about their future.

If home means a sense of belonging –where do the Turners belong?

Set in 1988, BUT CAN YOU DRINK THE WATER? uses subtle observational humour, with an underlying pathos, to portray the upsets, hurt and changing family dynamics that emigration brings.
It will appeal to fans of Educating Rita and Shirley Valentine, and to expats, and potential expats worldwide.

[J Nicholson]

Thought I would share the good news. 'But Can You Drink The Water?' has made it to the quarter finals of the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award. Even if it doesn't go further it's exciting to be one of the top 250 out of 5000 entries.

[Ray Rhamey]

Way to go! Keep us informed.

[hope101]

Just saw this, courtesy of the new comment section in the left sidebar. Congratulations and good luck!

[J Nicholson]

More exciting news. 'But Can You Drink The Water?' has now made it to the ABNA semi-finals (top 50 out of 5000). The review of the full manuscript from Publishers Weekly ends with these encouraging comments:
'What sustains this book, however, is the narrative voice, the dry and self-deprecating humor, and the ability of this author to tell a story simply and well.'

[Ray Rhamey]

Excellent news, Jan. Fingers crossed!