Have you checked out my book trailer video? Would you mind sharing it with friends?
The Flogometer challenge:compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Ellie’s opening lines:
Needs tensionDemas was fourteen when his parents sent him away.
Early that morning, he had woken with a feeling of unrest only a rollicking horse could settle. So he decided to race Mama around their property.
A tall black man, large and regal as the mountain kings, lay in wait beside the gate on a tall black stallion. His bearing was bored until he caught sight of the duo approaching. They brought a joyous smile to his lips.
"Karla. Demas. Have a good race?" He trotted out to meet them.
"No," Demas said.
"Yes," Karla said.
Kenan reached his hand to Karla and they entwined fingers for a moment.
"Did my boy get beat by his Mama again?"
"She's fast," Demas said, then shot a look at Karla, hoping she would say nothing about his fall off his horse. “But I’ll beat her one of these days.”
The horses took five steps before she replied. “Yes . . . when I’ve lost all my teeth and my bones are rattlin’ in my skin.” Demas smiled.
"Not if you keep up your obsessive riding disorder,” Kenan said.
The writing is clean and we start with a scene and an opening line
that raises a story question—but then we sort of trail off into
greetings and conversation about nothing much (for this reader,
anyway). The next few pages lay out this world for us, and includes
plenty of exposition—but not much in the way of tension. Finally, on
the fourth page, something dramatic happens. I’ll include that in a
moment. Notes:
Demas was fourteen when his parents sent him away.
Early that morning, he had woken with a feeling of unrest only a rollicking horse could settle. So he decided to race Mama around their property.
A tall black man, large and regal as the mountain kings, lay in wait beside the gate on a tall black stallion. His bearing was bored until he caught sight of the duo approaching. They brought a joyous smile to his lips. (The double use of “tall” should be avoided. In addition, “tall” is a comparative term—unless we know tall in relation to what, it doesn’t really mean anything. Is there a way you can show this tallness? Is it important that the horse is tall?)
"Karla. Demas. Have a good race?" He trotted out to meet them.
"No," Demas said.
"Yes," Karla said.
Kenan reached his hand to Karla and they entwined fingers for a moment.
"Did my boy get beat by his Mama again?"
"She's fast," Demas said, then shot a look at Karla, hoping she would say nothing about his fall off his horse. “But I’ll beat her one of these days.”
The horses took five steps before she replied.“Yes . . . when I’ve lost all my teeth and my bones are rattlin’ in my skin.” Demas smiled. (The horse taking five steps is a bit of overwriting, in my view—detail that doesn’t really contribute. I noticed more of the same in the later pages.)"Not if you keep up your obsessive riding disorder,” Kenan said.
Here’s another set of lines from later in the chapter. They won’t work as they are because names are introduced that you don’t know about and the scene isn’t set, and it needs to be trimmed here and there, but don’t you think the potential for a compelling opening is here?
A flaming sheep burst out of the poplars.
Mouth screwed in anguish, it issued forth a high-pitched wail. Its fluffy down was smothered in greasy tar; puffy smoke trailed its wild bucking. In between frenzied leaps and curls, the creature smashed its face into the ground. Finding no relief, it would start its panicked twirling again.
The three watched in spineless horror until the sight of another flaming sheep startled Kenan into action. The second sheep came from the same pasture, furiously running down the road away from them.
"Demas, shoot them." Kenan voice grew deep and rumbling, as it always did when every second mattered. Demas strung his bow taut with an arrow before Kenan finished his next words. "Shoot to kill. Put those beasts out of their misery."
Demas hesitated only a moment before silencing the hysterical sheep. He notched another arrow into his bow and let it fly through the other sheep's heart.
Kenan, Karla, and Demas kicked their horses and jumped the fence. They saw twelve more bonfires with legs, running wildly around the grassy pasture.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey
I will vote no. I wasn't even sure at first if Demas was a rider or a horse. That said, beginning your book with a flaming sheep, bows and arrows and fire is hard to beat.
Posted by: Victoria Dixon | February 25, 2010 at 04:45 PM
Since you received great advice, I just wanted to add in my small monetary denomination to say that beginning with the flaming sheep seems like a more natural, and interesting, beginning. It hooked me. Good luck.
Posted by: Marcel | February 25, 2010 at 11:39 PM
Ellie: my earlier comment didn't really convey my enthusiasm for the burning sheep as a first page.
It's got a killer first line that immediately makes the reader wonder what's going on. The main characters take action (Yes!!) to minimize the damage. Then they find that the situation is much worse; we wonder if they'll be able to contain it (how many arrows do they have?) It's clear that something major's afoot.
If we don't keep reading, we'll never find out how the protagonists dealt with the other sheep, and we'll never find out what is behind this clearly man-made atrocity.
Plus, that page shows off your solid writing mechanics.
Start there, if it's at all possible. And don't worry about folks like me who might be squeamish at a flock of flaming sheep. You can't please everyone.
Posted by: Doug | February 26, 2010 at 08:22 AM
Thank you everyone with your incredible advice. It was all so helpful and now I know exactly where I should start the MS.
-Ellie Ann
Posted by: Ellie Ann | February 26, 2010 at 09:26 AM