Flogometer for Tricia—would you turn the page?

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You never know what might offend, and I learned something from a review of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles, and I want to mention it here because a number of Christrian writers visit FtQ. In the story Patch encounters a preacher who distorts Christianity and abuses the faith of his congregation in a cultish way. The intent is to satirize such venal, power-hungry people of any religion, and I did it by creating and then destroying a false prophet. But the reviewer took it as an attack on Christianity. That I would never do, and I regret upsetting her. Well, I also do a number on lawyers, TV news reporters, greedy businessmen, and politicians—equal offense for all. Somehow she missed that. The Chronicles not only offers humor, it spotlights, through exaggeration, some of the nasty behavior of members of our society.

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A reader review I found this review on Amazon.com:

“Is this horror? Would you call The Munsters horror? Of course not. But it's cheesy, campy, and hilariously funny. There's even a Garth Marenghi feel in a few rare places.

Rhamey knows how to write a slick story that draws you in. I'm dying to read the next in the series.”

BuzzBlast contest a-comin’. Prizes will include gear (t-shirts, mugs) from the world of Patch and signed copies of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. As soon as my store is up and the website complete, which should be within a week or so, I’ll launch a weekly buzz-builder contest to get you to help spread the word about my novel. No purchase necessary, and everybody will have a chance to win. Watch for it!

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Tricia’s first 16 lines:

Jeremiah pulled away from the old woman who'd grabbed his arm. "I don't want to buy..."

"I'm not selling." She held out a pouch. "I saw a man cut the strap and slip it from your shoulder. You need to be more watchful."

Watchful? It was impossible with the streets so packed with people. Jeremiah searched the bag, relieved to find nothing missing. "This holds my future. How can I thank you?"

She smiled. "Consider yourself in my debt. Someday I may ask for something in return. And perhaps you'll be wanting this?" She held up her left hand. Around it was a tangled wad of filthy hair. "The thief got away. As you see, he lost something himself."

The old woman no longer looked so frail. "I guess you could give it to the magistrate," said Jeremiah. "He can find the thief if he wishes, but I don't have the money to hire a thief-sniffer." She nodded, and slipped into the crowd. Jeremiah pushed his way to the palace; he'd be in a lot of trouble if he were late.

Three guards stood at the gates. "Show me your invitation," one said. Jeremiah lifted his sleeve, revealing a knotted bracelet. The knots were a code letting the guards know who was invited and how important of a guest.

"Welcome to the feast." A guard stepped aside and let Jeremiah slip through the towering (snip)

So close
The voice, the writing, the hints of an interesting fantasy world, all of those things made me want to turn the page. There was even a hint of bridging tension that could have been stronger. But in the last sentence in this excerpt is the clue that you’re in for a chapter of well-written throat-clearing. Tricia does an excellent job of introducing her world and a couple of fascinating characters, but the chapter doesn’t deliver on story. At the end of the chapter, nothing has happened to throw the protagonist’s life out of whack, to present him a challenge that creates a desire that he must, at all costs, satisfy. I really liked the writing and the world, and urge Tricia to start later in the story and fill in whatever is needed from this first chapter, weaving it in with conflict, jeopardy, and those other vital elements that make us want to know what happens next. In this excerpt, there’s no drama involved with an unsuccessful theft attempt and attending a dinner on time. Notes:

Jeremiah pulled away from the old woman who who'd grabbed his arm. "I don't want to buy..."

"I'm not selling." She held out a his pouch. "I saw a man cut the strap and slip it from your shoulder. You need to be more watchful." (For me, knowing that she’s handing him his pouch is much more meaningful, and it raises an immediate story question.)

Watchful? It was impossible with the streets so packed with people. Jeremiah searched the bag, relieved to find nothing missing. "This holds my future. How can I thank you?"

She smiled. "Consider yourself in my debt. Someday I may ask for something in return. And perhaps you'll be wanting this?" She held up her left hand. Around it was a tangled wad of filthy hair. "The thief got away. As you see, he lost something himself." (I loved this paragraph. Characterizes the mysterious woman quickly and creates great interest in her.)

The old woman no longer looked so frail. "I guess you could give it to the magistrate," said Jeremiah. "He can find the thief if he wishes, but I don't have the money to hire a thief-sniffer." She nodded and slipped into the crowd. Jeremiah pushed his way to the palace; he'd be in a lot of trouble if he were late. (Missed chance to create tension here—“a lot of trouble” is vague, generic, and comparative. What is a “lot” of trouble to Jeremiah? Specifics create reality. Give us his knowledge of the consequences he will suffer [how about a beating by his master?] so we can care a little and his anxiety is motivated.)

Three guards stood at the gates. "Show me your invitation," one said. Jeremiah lifted his sleeve, revealing a knotted bracelet. The knots were a code letting the guards know who was invited and how important of a guest. (Now we’re slipping into overwriting and unnecessary exposition, in my opinion. Does it matter that there are three guards at the gate? Why not just something simple: A guard at the gate said, “Show me your invitation.” On the next page, we get into a detailed explanation of the knots and how the bracelet is made, but I could see no bearing on the story. In my view, the story could jump cut to inside the palace. Since he gets there anyway, the activity at the gate doesn’t contribute. You could go from the previous paragraph to the interior with a simple transition, something such as: Inside, fountains spouted scented water and musicians mixed magic with their music to deflect the outside noise.)

"Welcome to the feast." A guard stepped aside and let Jeremiah slip through the towering (snip)

You’re at a high level of writing, Tricia, all you have to do now is put it to work on creating a strong story hook. You can weave the world and character in while subjecting poor Jeremiah to trials and tribulations.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[jon]

Hiya, Tricia.

I voted Yes, with reservations. The hooks to the story outweighed the negatives I saw, which I'll provide more info about below.

I'm a big fan of "just-in-time" writing, which you use rather well here; by providing information just as the reader needs it, you engage the reader's attention and preserve mystery while allowing the story to flow forward. Nice job!

That said, I'd have liked a line or two of grounding beyond "...so packed with people." I think the crowd has a bigger impact than you've given it here -- without the crowd, he doesn't lose the bag, arguably. Too, by holding even this morsel of setting until the third paragraph, the piece doesn't give me any idea what our setting is, making it difficult to picture what's going on.

This is complicated by the name "Jeremiah" - as a 'real' name, and as a current-if-not-common name, it doesn't clearly indicate our setting; we have no cues to work from. The pouch does address that a little, but not enough, I don't think.

Moving on...

Good hook in: "This holds my future". Such a good hook, in fact, that I'd like to see it given its own line; on first read, I actually missed it.

The hair bit was a VERY nice bit of worldbuilding. It gave us a legal structure AND magic-in-the-world all in one without resorting to narrative. _Excellent_ incluing.

That said, I have a character issue: why is it HER responsibility to give it to the magistrate, per his view? She helped him, and now he wants her, an old woman, to go haring off to the magistrate? I disliked him more than a little for this.

Could have used a little more description of the guards, for a variety of reasons: anything special about the setting? how does Jer react to them--subservient, equals, overweening? What's the tech level -- magic and pouches don't necessarily mean no machine guns? Etc.

(This has become a recurring theme in my critique, it seems... I understand (all too well) the desire to eliminate the "useless" stuff, but it's not all useless, particularly in the beginnings of scenes; without a little more detail than we have here, the reader is lost floating in a white room. Too, when you include it, you give us a chance to get more information on the viewpoint character's... um... character and their worldview.

Consider:

"He shoved his way through the filthy savages. They smelled like the nightjar and sounded like a flock of crows realizing they were about to be netted and boiled."
)

Anyway, moving on.

"Jeremiah pushed..." -- I'd like this drawn out a little here -- a feel for the nature of the crowd so I know who he's pushing through. Could go to a full paragraph.

And a couple of line edits:

>Jeremiah searched the bag, relieved to find nothing missing.

This combines two separate things--the searching and the discovery--in a confusing manner. Should be an action/reaction chain. You might even want to add a word or two to the dialog to indicate the relief--right now the line could have any tone to it.

"The old woman no longer..." should be, IMO, a one-sentence paragraph; it's got a nice kick to it and it's buried as-deployed.

"who was invited and how important of a guest" seems to be missing "...they were" at minimum, or need a bit of rewriting to avoid the awkwardness of adding it.

With a LITTLE more setting, I'd love this; as it was, I really liked it.

-j

[jon]

Not that anyone asked, but FWIW in general I agree with Ray's comments on the visible parts, although I disagree with his Par1 edit; I liked the "who'd" there as a way to join the program already in progress.

I particularly liked his par2 edit - something had been bugging me about that paragraph and I hadn't clued on it 'til I read his edit.

(I also disagree with Ray's last-paragraph suggestions; I see where he's coming from, but I thought the knots thing was just the right amount of verbiage, and as I said above I wanted more on the guards, not less. Of course, if we then go into a 3-paragraph long description of the finer points of knottery, my attention will fade rather quickly, since part of what pulled me into this piece was the what-you-need-when-you-need-it writing, and that doesn't seem terribly necessary information at that point. Better to have that stuff interwoven (pun slightly intended) with dialog and internal stuff when it becomes relevant; for now, knowing that the knots exist and have meaning is enough for me.)

Okay, shutting up now. Still really like this intro :o).

[Christine H]

I really liked it, and voted to turn.

[Tricia Simpson]

Thanks so much for your comments. I knew it wasn't quite working, my eyes have been opened.

I can see the turn-off about Jeremiah telling the old woman she could take the hair to the magistrate. I think I will change that to something like: "The magistrate wouldn't help someone like me." and also instead of the "he'd be in big trouble.", put "then Master Sandul said if he were late to the feast he shouldn't return to the school."

I'm awful coming up with names, and Jeremiah was a working name till I came up with a good one, then it kind of stuck.

Jon: "They smelled like the night jar." Now that brings an image and smell to mind. I like it in an icky kind of way.

Thanks again,
Tricia

[Sheila]

I would keep reading. You had me at "thief-sniffer." There's also tension - will he get there in time? Nice stuff.

I thought a couple of things could be improved. For instance, this segue was too vague:

"Jeremiah pushed his way to the palace; he'd be in a lot of trouble if he were late."

Like Ray said, what does trouble mean? And also it is visually vague. I have no idea what this palace looks like. He is on a packed street, then he's at the palace. I'd love to see that brief journey through his eyes. Is it a towering palace, or a more humble one? How is it protected from the thronging masses? You can tell a lot about your world and his place in it by showing us his reaction to the palace, I think.

Also, I think the guards would just stop him and say, "Invitation?" It seems more guard-like to me than, "show me your invitation."

Good luck!

[Doug]

I voted to turn, but Ray's comments are on-point.

I personally don't need the detail level that Jon's looking for; I don't mind using my imagination. On the other hand, I'm told that these days the pendulum is swinging back toward more details and less "use your imagination" in novels.

I liked the writing-craft and the fairly solid command of written English. Still, I love picking at grammar issues, so here are a few.

Para 3: "Jeremiah searched the bag, relieved to find nothing missing" isn't right. It says that he was relieved *while* searching the bag, when we can well assume that he was relieved *after* searching the bag. A simple change fixes this: "Jeremiah searched the bag and was relieved to find nothing missing." After that change, we can argue that "was relieved" is telling rather than showing. :-)

Para 6: ditto for "Jeremiah lifted his sleeve, revealing a knotted bracelet." That says that he was revealing the whole time that he was lifting. A better option might be, "Jeremiah lifted his sleeve to reveal a knotted bracelet."

Para 1: "I don't want to buy..." should end with an em-dash (double hyphen) rather than an ellipsis. His sentence is cut off rather than trailing off. At least, that's the way that I read it.

Para 5: the comma does not belong in "She nodded, and slipped into the crowd." The verb "slipped" applies to the same subject as "nodded". The two verbs form a list (of actions), and a two-item list doesn't have a comma before the conjunction. I see that Ray silently dropped the offending comma in his notes.

Para 6: "how important of a guest." Like Jon said, this seems to be a fragment. I'd go with his suggestion: "how important of a guest they were."

I also think that there's a bit of repetition that could be removed:

Para 4: "She smiled." It's probably just a personal quirk of mine, but I find way too much pointless smiling going on in novels. I don't see that this one contributes much, and my vote would be to leave it out.

Para 4: "Consider yourself in my debt. Someday I may ask for something in return." Both sentences say the same thing.

Para 5: "He can find the thief if he wishes, but I don't have the money to hire a thief-sniffer." The first half of the sentence is unnecessary. "I don't have the money to hire a thief-sniffer" is quite sufficient (in my opinion) and avoids the somewhat clunky repetition of the word "thief".

Content-wise, I'm with Ray. Unless the knots are something we'll need to know about later, the whole scene with the guards can be skipped. Nothing interesting happens in that scene, and it provides neither tension nor story development.

An interesting first scene, good enough for me to turn the page, but the second scene (at the gates) didn't follow through.

[Kami]

I like the writing in general, but voted no because I had no sense of place. In a fantasy, I especially need some clues using all five senses. Small visual stuff is not enough. At least one other sense, and maybe a clue as to the tech level would be good (swords? pistols? cars? multi-story buildings, and made out of what? -- I don't need all this info, just a wee bit to help me out.)

[R. B.]

I read her comment, and I don't think she missed that you were taking shots at everybody. She felt that you took too many pot shots at the church. She also felt that overall the humor of the book was heavy handed.The woman wrote she felt the book was convoluted. This goes back to an earlier critique you cited: throws in the occasional observation about civil rights, gay rights, animal rights, religious fanatics, sleazy lawyers, media manipulation, and small-minded tyrants.

I don't see this as plus. I see it as a potential mess. I suspect in an attempt to be funny the book is overreaching itself, crossing from a cute story about a vampire cat, into political humor. I think your buyers are people you know and don't want to hurt your feels. They're telling you very politely that the human characters ( whether it be vampires, preachers, or Daddy Greenbacks) are annoying them.

And that's ultimately the problem with self-published books. You obligate people to buy the book- if they don't who does? And because they know you, they are forced to walk on eggshells to avoid hurting your feelings. Frankly, I'm angry at you for placing us into this situation. I'm offended you've turned this blog into a commercial for a book and horrified that you can't see how it makes you look as a professional editor. And yeah there's a big difference between an editor with a book about editing and this. I've almost stopped reading your blog altogether, and after today, I don't know if I care if ever come to your senses. And it's not that you self-published, its ethical boundary you've crossed. It You blamed your reader for not understanding your intentions! Your commenting on the comments and tell us why they're wrong! Come on, that's amateur author 101. If you have to explain your intentions to your readers, the book isn't communicating them effectively. How many writers have you given similar advice?

[Lexi Revellian]

Jeremiah's a bit feeble thinking he can't guard his bag in a crowded street.

As one who has shopped in Oxford Street and retained her handbag, I can tell him it's not as difficult as he thinks.

[Ray Rhamey]

Well, R.B., it's good to hear your suspicions, having not read the book. Or have you? You mention the name of a character that I don't find anywhere in what I've released on the book. If you've read it, what's your opinion?

It's sad that my power over independent-minded readers is such that they are fearful and walking on eggshells (a cliche). As it happens, what her feelings were is not necessarily fact. I didn't take potshots at the church, or religion, but at people who abuse it, or who blindly and unthinkingly surrender all will to sheeplike obedience. My sincere feeling is that her sincere feeling was mistaken.

It's entirely possible that her feelings about the quality of the humor and writing were also influenced by her strong negative reaction to part of the content. She says herself that she was enjoying the book until that point. A full third of the book happens (that she enjoyed) before this fictional false prophet makes his entrance, and it was no more or less convoluted nor the humor any different than the remaining two-thirds.

But if she doesn't like the humor or writing, that's all fair, and an appropriate topic for a review, and I'm perfectly willing to take those shots. What is not fair is to misconstrue, however sincerely, the nature of the story.

If you resent what I do on this blog, goodbye. I'm making an effort to both help writers, promote my editing, and get a novel that I believe in to market. You're offended that I've "turned this blog into a commercial for a book?" Is there some kind of rule that I'm violating, that it's insulting and inappropriate to tell my readers about the work I'm doing?

Are you going to write to the hundreds of other author/bloggers that talk about and promote their writing and books on their blogs? I suspect not. To be fair, though, isn't that what you should spend the next couple of weeks doing?

I truly don't understand the logic that leads you to say that my self-publishing this book somehow obligates people to buy the book. Especially people I don't know, including the thousands that read this blog. I have literally no power to "obligate" them to do anything. They can walk away at any time, and there is surely nothing pressuring them to buy anything from me.

Do you think it's somehow not possible for a reader to misunderstand my intentions because a strong emotional reaction perhaps colored his thinking? In another novel of mine, I had a character who was a sleazy preacher, an abuser just like the one in this story is. A beta reader was enjoying the book, but stopped immediately when she came to the depiction of that character because she thought I was somehow attacking Christianity. The trouble is, the character had an arc. He had lost his faith and was behaving in an unChristian manner. But, by the end of the story, he regained his faith, and it led him to sacrifice his life in order to save someone else. Far from bashing religion, I showed its power of redemption. But that reader, because her emotional response overwhelmed her, never saw that. I was actually on her side.

In this story, the preacher is clearly corrupt in his thinking from the first moment you meet him, and nowhere does the book suggest that he is typical of all Christians. His character leads him to a devastating end, and his evil is rewarded with justice. That's how I see it. If you've read the book, how do you see it?

How is it somehow unethical to express my opinion? As far as I'm concerned, the review went far beyond a critique of the writing and story and bordered on the slanderous in how it misconstrues the nature of the story. Where are the ethics in that?

I have a right to defend the work of any author, including myself, if I feel that he or she has been unfairly attacked. So do you, for that matter.

On the other hand, it appears that you're perfectly willing to join in on the attack. Your comment suggests that you haven't read the book and are piling on--or have you?

If you're so disgusted and angry that someone such as me has the gall to be honest and open about what he's doing as a writer, then, if I were you, I sure wouldn't be reading this blog. It's interesting to me that, in your wisdom, you've divined the "problem" with *all* self-published books. Let's hope that, as a writer who believes in his or her work, you are never tempted to take an alternative route to sharing it.

If you do, and I discover it, know that I will respect your right to devote hundreds of hours to tell a story in the way that you want, whether I like it or not, whether I know you or not, whether it's self-published or not. My feeling is that the other readers of FtQ a part of a supporting community, and they often help each other. It's clear to me, from your comment, that this community is not a good fit for you. We try to leave nastiness out of it.

On the other hand, I can thank you for taking the opportunity to join in on pissing on what has been, until the other day, a joyous and fun ride. Were I you, I would be hoping that what goes around does not come around.