Flogging for Echoe—would you turn the first page?

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Notice: Sherry, the winner of the Blee Bonn contest, needs to contact Blee about collecting her free edit. Otherwise, it may go to the runner-up.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Echoe’s first 16 lines of a YA novel:

Darkness surrounded me. I lay in wait of something, anything. Pain, like a wave, came crashing down on my skull. I jolted upright, gasping for air, and the throbbing headache reminded me that this wasn’t home. A shattering crash came from a room on the near right. Off towards the door I slipped. Cautiously, I rested my ear against the cold metal.

“Be more careful in there or you will wake her up,” called a man’s voice from somewhere to my left. I sprang back, tense.

“It fell on my foot,” came a haughty and distinctly feminine voice from the right.

The sound of heavy footsteps muffled by carpet came closer. The man passed, letting me relax.

“Now we have to clean this up. Hand me your U-Comp.” There was a moment of silence, then the sound of a low electric whine, “Remind me to order a replacement potted plant. For now, do not touch anything. I will do the rest of the searching.”

“What, am I supposed to just stand here and do nothing?”

“Go and check on Laeneth if you must.”

A pause, then, “Fine.”

Sure that I wasn’t supposed to be walking around, I scrambled back into the bed. Light footsteps neared. I stiffened, but tried to regulate my breathing.

Story questions turned the page, but . . .

There were signs that the writing would need work, but, to be fair, the story questions—who are the intruders, why are they there, and what would happen to Laeneth (him? her?) were good enough to get the page turned. But there were issues, including not much of an emotional reaction from the protagonist in what sounds like a dangerous situation. If there were intruders searching just outside my bedroom door, and one was coming in, I think I’d be feeling some (a lot of) anxiety. But there’s no sign of that here. Notes:

Darkness surrounded me. I lay in wait of something, anything. Pain, like a wave, came crashing down on my skull. I jolted upright on the bed, gasping for air, and the throbbing headache reminded me that this wasn’t home. A shattering crash came from a room on the near right. Off towards the door I slipped. Cautiously, I rested my ear against the cold metal. (Right away there’s a lack of clarity for me. Was she just lying there awake, or did she awaken? Seems like the latter makes the most sense, but it’s not clear. I could see gasping because of the impact of the headache pain, but didn’t see why there was a sudden need for air. Her being reminded that this wasn’t home may mean something to her, but it doesn’t mean anything to the reader. Where is she and why? Her circumstances should be here so we can understand the rest of what happens. I added the bed for clarity—she could have been lying on the floor.)

“Be more careful in there or you will wake her up,” called a man’s voice from somewhere to my left. I sprang back, tense. (I’m not sure the last sentence works well. If she springs back, how does she continue to hear the voices? We are told that she’s immediately tense—but is that enough of a response to hearing strange voices and crashes outside the door of a room in which you were sleeping? Or lying in the dark?)

“It fell on my foot,” came a haughty and distinctly feminine voice from the right. I didn’t really know what a “distinctly” feminine voice was, so cut the adverb. Didn’t seem necessary.)

The sound of heavy footsteps muffled by carpet came closer. The man passed, letting me relax. I would keep it simple—rather than the passive nature of his passing “letting” her relax, why not just “I relaxed.” By they way, did she put her ear back on the door, or not?)

“Now we have to clean this up. Hand me your U-Comp.” There was a moment of silence, then the sound of a low electric whine, “Remind me to order a replacement potted plant. For now, do not touch anything. I will do the rest of the searching.” (Since we don’t know what a U-Comp is or what it does, this doesn’t have much meaning. The term was used often in the rest of the chapter, but never defined. You can, using context of her thoughts about it, let us know what it is and does. Otherwise, there’s not much reason to have it in here, is there?)

“What, am I supposed to just stand here and do nothing?”

“Go and check on Laeneth if you must.”

A pause, then, “Fine.”

Sure that I wasn’t supposed to be walking around, I scrambled back into the bed. Light f Footsteps neared. I stiffened, but tried to regulate my breathing. (Here’s where I would be experiencing some serious fear, especially if I am, as it turns out to be, a teenage girl. There are strangers, intruders. They could be violent. Why is she not frightened? Also, the “regulate muy breathing” is vague. Regulate it in what way? Doesn’t she slow her breathing to make it seem as if she is asleep? Why not make her action clear here?

There are good elements here, but shaky parts, too. In the narrative that follows, the girl is kidnapped, yet she evidences no fear or even concern about what’s going on. We don’t learn where she was when snatched, or why she was there instead of at home? I think there’s promise, but also lack of clarity, emotion, and some overwriting. What that means, Echoe, is that you need to keep working at it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Darla]

I stumbled through the opening paragraph, trying to grasp what was going on. Then came what sounded like a good tense situation, but the MC didn't seem too concerned and so neither was I. Clarity of the setting and situation would help up the tension level.

[Sheila]

I've heard it said that starting with a character waking up is not the strongest way to open. It's become a cliche, it's done so often.

There are some story questions here - why the headache, where is she, who's outside, etc., but I didn't really feel compelled to read further, because I didn't really care. For the same reasons Ray and Darla mentioned. The MC seemed emotionless.

Why not start with the kidnapping? That sounds like it would be an exciting scene, and you've skipped right over it.

Good luck!

[hope101]

I, too, felt confused by the first paragraph. Because the protagonist is waiting for something, and then this line arrives - "Pain, like a wave, came crashing down on my skull" - at first I wondered if I had just witnessed an assault of some kind.

And after Ray's comments I'm even more confused, because from the headache, I'd come to assume she'd already been kidnapped and was suffering from the after-effects of a concussion.

Besides the craft issues that Ray has mentioned, I found the dialogue a tad unnatural. In real life, for instance, people use a lot of contractions. "For now, do not touch anything" would be more realistic as "for now, don't touch anything".

Despite that, there are good story questions here that got me to turn the page. I have no clue what a U-Comp is, but it sounded ominous. :)

[Echoe]

I'll definitely go through and try to clarify things, and to show more of Laeneth's internal reactions. Maybe reviving the scene that came before this one (I originally started with the kidnapping, but decided to cut it) would work with some tampering. I've been trying to find the balance between explaining too little and too much, and in an effort to avoid too much exposition I see that I didn't explain enough. Thanks to all of you for the advice; it does help.

[Lesley]

The beginning came across to me more like poetry. I wonder if you/me/we, as writers, are forced, by demands of editors/ publishers/agents, to write in a clipped style, so that we might get our message across quickly before our efforts are discarded over a shoulder.

Example of your first lines displayed in verse.

Darkness surrounded me.
I lay in wait of something, anything.
Pain, like a wave, came crashing down on my skull.
I jolted upright, gasping for air,
and the throbbing headache reminded me that this wasn’t home.
A shattering crash came from a room on the near right.
Off towards the door I slipped.
Cautiously, I rested my ear against the cold metal.

[Christine H]

Very perceptive, Lesley. You're right, it does sound like poetry.

I voted to turn, though I agree with Ray's comments, too.

I was intrigued by the fact that the kidnappers referred to her by her first name, as if they knew her, but that she didn't recognize their voices.

There is an article in Writer's Digest this month about things agents hate in first chapters. http://writersdigest.com/article/what-agents-hate/

Unfortunately, one of them is: "anyone sleeping, dreaming, waking up, or staring at anything."

Although it seems like a natural place to start from a writer's perspective, it's not a good one from an agent's.

And of course, my favorite (Information Dumps) is another no-no.

[Christine H]

Correction: It's actually an old issue. I just happened to see a reference to it recently.

[Lesley]

Funny that, 'The Road', Cormac McCarthy's latest #1 best seller, and now a major motion picture, begins with - 'When I awoke'. There then follows a page and a half dream sequence.

[Ray Rhamey]

Lesley, excellent point. Proves a couple of things: generalities don't work a lot of the time, and quality counts. I don't care if the opening is a description of a chair, if it hooks the reader, the "rules" out out. Thanks for making your point.

[Christine H]

Well, that's encouraging!