Flogometer for Suzanne--would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

By the way. . .The critiques I do here on FtQ are “one-pass” critiques—one reading of the sample, and then thoughts and notes. For actual editing, it’s at least two readings and a much deeper analysis and annotation.

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Suzanne’s first 16 lines:

TeeJay Wainright clomped down the steps of the school bus, her heavily loaded backpack bouncing behind her.

“Bye, Mrs. Bartle!”

“See you Monday, kiddo,” the bus driver answered, just before shutting the door and driving off.

Her western boots scuffing dust onto her blue jeans, she crossed the road and continued along the verge, then through the park gate gate to #34, reciting what she mostly called her ‘philosophies’ but other times, her ‘mottos’.

She’d written them all down in her maroon scribbler, the one with the holes so she could keep it in a ring binder when she got one. Already, she had filled two whole pages with her list and was continuously adding more.

When you got an itch, you should scratch it. She’d heard her neighbour, Old Albert, say this one evening to his lady friend, Lucy.

Dawg eat dawg. Not sure exactly what this meant, she liked it because it sounded slightly ‘ominous’, another word she’d just discovered, which reminded her of huge black-cloud-threatening tornados. She had a whole list of words she liked; had looked them up in the (snip)

Didn’t compel me
Despite an attractive voice and opening with an immediate scene, the scene had virtually no tension in it for me. The chapter has a sub-head, “(In which TeeJay is introduced)”, but that hardly serves to raise my pulse. We have an interesting (but not compelling) girl coming home from school and ruminating on sayings. What’s the story about? Is there any trouble ahead? Suzanne, mind the advice from Guide to Literary Agents posted last time:.

The best beginnings show—within the first few pages or even paragraphs—the main characters under pressure and facing a challenge, a change in circumstances, or a threat that will significantly alter the rest of her life.

Notes:

TeeJay Wainright clomped down the steps of the school bus, her heavily loaded backpack bouncing behind her. (Right away, two things slowed my reading. One is an editorial pet peeve—a lazy adverb trying to serve as description in “heavily loaded.” No picture or the child’s experience there. What should we be seeing/feeling here? Can it be done more visually or colorfully. Thoughtstarter: her backpack so loaded she felt like she would tip over backwards. Also, I don’t think “bouncing behind her” is quite accurate. While it is technically behind her, it is also on her, so this didn’t seem to quite fit. Also, if it’s all that heavy, would it bounce? Finally, we all understand that a backpack is generally worn on the back, so this wasn’t really necessary, was it?)

“Bye, Mrs. Bartle!”

“See you Monday, kiddo,” the bus driver answered, just before shutting the door and driving off. (Couple of things. Not only is this less than riveting, it’s a bit of overwriting. Of course the bus driver shuts the door and drives off. For my money, the whole exchange with the driver and the driving off could be eliminated. The only important story element is that TeeJay got off the schoolbus, IMO.)

Her western boots scuffing dust onto her blue jeans, she crossed the road and continued along the verge, then through the park gate gate to #34, reciting what she mostly called her ‘philosophies’ but other times, her ‘mottos’. (Even for a non-critical submission as one for FtQ, there should be no typos. There’s a minor point-of-view slip here—she wouldn’t be thinking of her boots as “western” because she already knows that. This is the author slipping into the scene. Also, in America they’d be called “cowboy boots.” Also, there’s a staging question: how can the boots scuff dust onto her boots? If you scuff your heels in the dust, doesn’t the dust rise behind your heels? And is this a necessary detail?)

She’d written them all down in her maroon scribbler, the one with the holes so she could keep it in a ring binder when she got one. Already, she had filled two whole pages with her list and was continuously adding more. (While this detail about the scribbler is nicely wrought, is it contributing to the story? I don’t think so. This is a sign of “throat-clearing.”)

When you got an itch, you should scratch it. She’d heard her neighbour, Old Albert, say this one evening to his lady friend, Lucy.

Dawg eat dawg. Not sure exactly what this meant, she liked it because it sounded slightly ‘ominous’, another word she’d just discovered, which reminded her of huge black-cloud-threatening tornados. She had a whole list of words she liked; had looked them up in the (snip) (While this is a likeable person, where’s the story?)

Suzanne, your first chapter had good writing and nice moments, but when it ended all that had happened was that the character had been introduced—but NOT her story. The only way to hook a reader, or agent, or editor is with story. Hopefully, something happens to the character in chapter two—maybe you should look at opening with that.

I know how it is—in one of my novels, the real opening was in chapter three, but I didn’t see that until a critique group member pointed it out. I quickly rewrote it to get it up front.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

I don't know what to add to what Ray wrote. I shall add to it anyway.

Most writers will write this sort of stuff and then have to cut it out from the manuscript and file it under "character background information."

We, the readers, will get to know the character over the course of the novel. There's no need to lay it all out in front of us at the start.

I did like the school bus and backpack as indirect indicators of TeeJay's age. Similarly, I liked the kicking up of dust indirectly telling us that it's a dirt road.

Speaking of the dirt road, I'm a bit surprised that there wasn't a cloud of dust from the bus departing.

As Ray said, the exchange with the bus driver doesn't seem to do much and might be left out. It does show TeeJay as being a friendly sort, and it slips some dialog into a page that otherwise is entirely narrative and interior monologue. It struck me as slightly misplaced, since TeeJay'd probably say goodbye before going down the steps, rather than stop at the bottom, turn around, and say goodbye.

I'm an American, so the non-American English stood out for me ("western" boots, "scribbler", "neighbour"). That's not a criticism, just an observation. It did rather clash with the reference to tornadoes, which I think would only spring to mind for someone from America's Tornado Alley region.

Speaking of the tornadoes, I didn't understand the "huge black-cloud-threatening tornados". I think that probably should have been "tornado-threatening huge black clouds" or "huge black clouds that threatened tornadoes".

I assume that "park" meant a trailer park. If so, I'm a bit surprised that TeeJay was the only one getting off the school bus at that stop. We know there are at least 34 spaces in the park. My inference was that the park was a retirement village, and that TeeJay might be staying with grandparents.

The descriptions were heavy on visuals and light on the other senses. I don't think this is too unusual for an opening page, but you'd want to be more well-rounded for the rest of the manuscript.

It's always nice to read something from someone who can write English properly (the double "gate" aside).

If only there were something interesting happening on this page.

[Lesley]

Her western boots scuffing dust onto her blue jeans, she crossed the road ...

Ray referred to the above line as a point of view slip. He wrote ...
She wouldn’t be thinking of her boots as “western” because she already knows that.

As I understand it, she was not thinking about her boots, this information was for the reader and it seemed okay to me.

I think I write this sort of detail all the time. It would help if anyone out there could explain why it is wrong.
Thanks.
Lesley

[Ray Rhamey]

It's not that it's "wrong." But to maintain a strong close third-person point of view, the narrative should not contain things that the character knows well and is part of her life. A more common example is something like: Her red hair blew in the wind. She knows her hair is red--the experience part, blowing in the wind, is what's happening and the experience, not the redness of her hair.

Similarly, the narrative should not contain, in my view, things that the character would not normally know, think, feel, or do.

In this case, "western" is something an observer outside the head of the character would see and understand. In the mind of the character, she's just walking, not thinking of dust, western, or stuff like that. Hope this helps.

[Darcy]

I find this POV topic to be confusing, as well. Why is it that when you see those distant POV details you don't think to yourself that it's a limited omniscient POV, vs. close third person with info that shouldn't be there? Because so much of the passage focuses on her thoughts? If the author really wants to get those particular details in would something like "She dragged the heels of her cowboy boots through the dust, watching it swirl around her feet like clouds." work?

I did find the character interesting and even though it needs to be reworked somewhat I liked the choice of details (the dust, heavy backpack, cowboy boots). However, it was definitely hurt by a lack of story questions and tension.

[Christine H]

Regarding the boots: I don't have a problem with mentioning them if they indicate a wardrobe choice. I had a pair when I was a girl, and felt special when I had them on. But if she wears them all the time, then I would agree with Ray that it's not really in POV to mention it.

[Christine H]

P.S. The use of the name "TeeJay" is a little confusing for me. Is that her given name? Or are her initials "TJ"? If this author is British, I would just want to let her know that in the States we would just use "TJ", rather than changing the letters into words.

[Web]

I have to be a contrarian on this one.

Usually I mostly agree with Ray and learn a great deal along the way. But on this one I personally found some intriguing story questions. I wonder what TJ is going to do with the list. I find the list itself, interesting and that makes TJ and her story interesting for me. The tension is low key and may not be what the agent is looking for, but I found some lurking in the interstices.

On dust: I grew up walking some very dusty roads and I found the dust, if it is deep and fine, to go immediately everywhere.

There were some flaws and I think the first 16 could be tightened, but I turned the page.

Web

[Ray Rhamey]

Yes, Web, and the differences in opinion are what makes this subjective game we play in marketing our goods so difficult at times. Too often, there is no "right" answer.