Flogometer for Susan--would you turn the page?

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Some laughs While rejection slips are never fun, it’s possible to have some fun with them, as does the Editorial Anonymous blog when it gives you the secret interpretations of form rejections. Check it out.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

By the way. . .The critiques I do here on FtQ are “one-pass” critiques—one reading of the sample, and then thoughts and notes. For actual editing, it’s at least two readings and a much deeper analysis and annotation.

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Susan is back with a rewrite of the opening of her memoir. Her first 16 lines:

I came out of the early morning San Francisco fog and entered my office, throwing my keys and purse on the desk that took up most of the room. Although I was the first to arrive at work, I still pushed the door closed. My red satin Chinese jacket, a gift from my sisters-in-law in central China, caught on the coarse synthetic upholstery of my desk chair.

My fingers shook as I punched in my parents’ number in Chicago. I rarely dialed long distance on my office phone, but would be long gone by the time my boss received the bill. I glanced at the photos tacked to my bulletin board of Liu and me holding hands in Hong Kong Park surrounded by purple and white azaleas and of us with Jake in his stroller lingering under a trellis of fuchsia bougainvillea in Berkeley. As I looked away, toward the small frosted window, I prayed my parents hadn’t left the house yet. One ring, then two. On the third, my mother answered.

“Hello?”

“Mom?”

“Susan,” she said, surprised to hear from me this early.

“Mom,” I sobbed. “I’m coming home.” Tears flowed from my eyes like water on the Yangtze River.

Worked for me

The writing is good, although I have some suggestions for perhaps making it stronger, and the story question raised by a character who is in distress was good enough—why is she crying, and what will happen to her? For me, this immediate scene is a big improvement over the original opening—I’m involved right away with the character. However, there was a little shift in point of view and some excess verbiage. Notes:

I came out of the early morning San Francisco fog and entered my office, throwing my keys and purse on the desk that took up most of the room. Although I was the first to arrive at work, I still pushed the door closed. My red satin Chinese jacket, a gift from my sisters-in-law in central China, caught on the coarse synthetic upholstery of my desk chair. (The part about the desk taking up most of the room took me briefly out of the story because of a lack of clarity -- does it take up most of the room because it's a small room, or because her desk is enormous? This could be much clearer.)

My fingers shook as I punched in my parents’ number in Chicago. I rarely dialed long distance on my office phone, but would be long gone by the time my boss received the bill. I glanced at the photos tacked to my bulletin board of Liu and me holding hands in Hong Kong Park surrounded by purple and white azaleas and of us with Jake in his stroller lingering under a trellis of fuchsia bougainvillea in Berkeley. As I looked away, toward the small frosted window, I prayed my parents hadn’t left the house yet. One ring, then two. On the third, my mother answered. (I see a little excess baggage here, slowing the narrative. It really isn’t important that we know how often she uses the office phone for long distance, though the part about “long gone” was a good story element. On the other hand, we’ll learn about that soon enough. The second cut was also something that seems unnecessary, and I didn’t understand the part about a small frosted window. She’s in an office, not a bathroom, so why frosted?)

“Hello?”

“Mom?” (While true to life, this is a real waste of narrative time, and of two vital first-page lines. You can cut from the ringing to the next sentence, which I’ve modified just a little to do that.

“Susan?” she said, My mother sounded surprised to hear from me this early. (She couldn’t know if her mother was surprised or not, though she would know her voice well enough to understand that she sounded surprised—this is the little shift in point of view. Note how smoothly we go from the phone ringing right into the conversation. This makes the pace crisper, and enables more story to be on the first page.)

“Mom,” I sobbed. “I’m coming home.” Tears flowed from my eyes like water on the Yangtze River.

With the “savings” from the cuts, it might be possible to get this powerful line from later in the narrative on the first page, which I think would greatly enhance the power of this narrative if the last sentence above when on to say this:

. . .on the Yangtze River, but I was finished being a dutiful wife and daughter-in-law. It was time to get my son to the safety of my family in Chicago.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Christine H]

I don't usually like this kind of story, but this was really nicely done. (Contemporary dramas tend to depress me because my whole life is basically a contemporary drama.)

I agree with Ray's comments and think the line about getting the son to safety is something you really want to get on the first page. I love the detail about the silk jacket getting caught on the chair, as if the delicate, traditional beauty of the Chinese culture was getting caught in the harshness of modern life. Perhaps you could build the tension a little by having her react to that tiny incident, tearing up a little, feeling irrationally angry, or something.

Well done!

[Darcy]

I like this way of coming at the story--making the story questions take precedence over the setting. Even though the Chinese setting is so interesting and has so much to do with the story, character and story questions hook me in more easily.

I'd read it!

[hope101]

Sigh. I'm not certain sometimes if my comments are going to help or only confuse people by offering a contrary opinion.

For me, although I enjoyed the symbolism of the jacket catching on the modern fabric, the story really began with the "I rarely dialed" line. I agree that the dialogue needed to be trimmed, however, and that moving the line about safety to the first page would increase tension.