Flogometer for Silvia--would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

By the way. . .The critiques I do here on FtQ are “one-pass” critiques—one reading of the sample, and then thoughts and notes. For actual editing, it’s at least two readings and a much deeper analysis and annotation.

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Silvia’s first 16 lines:

Lia lay awake staring at the night shadows when the call came.

She concentrated on the wind, battering her bedroom window. Middle of the night calls never brought good news. She should turn over, pull the covers over her head and go to sleep but she’d been waiting.

Felling her way in the dark, she yanked the receiver. "Northport Times. This is–"

She coughed away the rest of the words. What was she doing? Since the office reopened the Bell file, home and office blurred into one place with cut-off dates, printing deadlines and ringing phones replacing any sense of normal life.

"Hello."

There was a panting then she heard the gruff voice. "We need to meet and talk about Donald Bell."

Her anonymous informant was back. And he didn't seem to care about remaining faceless any longer. "You have the tape, Gun?"

"Yes. In exchange for a delay in your article.”

"I’m not blowing another deadline. I don’t know why you picked me for this scoop but your way of doing business fells more like a set up than a legitimate case."

Yes . . . but no

The story questions are there (and there’s an even better one three lines away), but the technical errors were discouraging. I like the way Silvia started in media res with an immediate scene, although there’s a little throat-clearing that I’ll suggest cutting in order to get some dramatic lines on the first page.

But grammatical errors—misspelling, comma faults, etc.—will discourage an agent or editor. Probably the best thing to do is write the story to the best of your ability and then hire a copyeditor, or find an astute English major, to work on the grammar. Notes:

Lia lay awake, staring at the night shadows, when the call came.

She concentrated on the wind, battering her bedroom window. Middle-of-the-night calls never brought good news. She should turn over, pull the covers over her head and go to sleep—but she’d been waiting.

Felling Feeling her way in the dark, she yanked the receiver. "Northport Times. This is Lia." (I’d either look for a verb other than “yanked,” such as “grabbed,” or complete the action, i.e. “yanked the receiver to her ear.” It felt incomplete to me.)

She coughed away the rest of the words. What was she doing? Since the office reopened the Bell file, home and office blurred into one place with cut-off dates, printing deadlines and ringing phones replacing any sense of normal life.

"Hello." (Devoting an entire line to a character saying “Hello” is not a great use of these valuable first 16 lines.)

There was a Panting, and then she heard the his gruff voice. "We need to meet and talk about Donald Bell." (Using the pronoun "his" here tells us that she knows the voice.

Her anonymous informant was back. And he didn't seem to care about remaining faceless any longer. "You have the tape, Gun?"

"Yes. In exchange for a delay in your article.”

"I’m not blowing another deadline. I don’t know why you picked me for this scoop, but your way of doing business fells feels more like a set-up than a legitimate case."

The material that I’ve cut out, which seemed unnecessary to me, would allow the addition of these three strong lines to the first page:

“I have what you want. You’ll be sorry if I go elsewhere.”

“Then tell me all about Donald Bell now.”

“He’s about to commit suicide.”

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jami G.]

Nope, I wouldn't turn the page. A single grammatical or spelling error indicates a typo. Multiple errors (especially of the same type or word) indicates someone who needs more instruction in the craft and careful editing. In addition, easily fixed passive sentences (There was a panting...) and frequent use of leading present participle phrases often indicate "amateur" to editors and agents. And editors and agents don't want to work with amateurs, only professionals. Libraries and the internet have many great resources for learning these aspects of the craft. With effort, you can improve and climb up that learning curve. :)

Jami G.

[Doug]

I barely voted to turn the page because of the intriguing story questions, but I don't think I'd have lasted much longer. The quality of the English made reading this rather like driving over a road filled with pot-holes.

In addition to the grammar and spelling problems already noted, I was confused about the question of whether Lia expected the call or not. The first paragraph suggests not. The second paragraph suggests that she didn't ("never brought good news") and that she did ("she'd been waiting"). The third paragraph suggests that she wasn't prepared for it.

And was she expecting the call to be her informant or not? The "Her anonymous informant was back" part suggests not.

I was also confused about what the informant was offering. Was it a tape, or was it information about Donald Bell?

In the three lines that Ray pulled up from page 2, I don't understand the dynamics. Gun says, "you'll be sorry", which suggests to me that he thinks that he has the upper hand. Lia says, "Tell me about Bell", which seems an odd way to mollify him, and Gun responds to that by telling her about Bell right there on the phone even though he'd originally asked for a meeting.

My usual "picking on a word": I don't think that "scoop" is the right word in that context. I'm not sure that newspapers even use the word much anymore, and as I understand it the word refers to publishing something ahead of the competition. This story seems far from publication, and these days few newspapers have much competition aside from Internet.

There's interesting material here, but the presentation needs editing for continuity and for English.

[Christine H]

I always thought it was best for the verb tenses to agree in a sentence. So should the first line be, "Lia was lying awake, staring at the night shadows, when the call came?" I know that puts the sentence in passive voice, but it seems more grammatically consistent to me.

Or perhaps, "Lia lay awake, staring at the night shadows. The phone rang." ?