Flogometer for Jami--would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

By the way. . .The critiques I do here on FtQ are “one-pass” critiques—one reading of the sample, and then thoughts and notes. For actual editing, it’s at least two readings and a much deeper analysis and annotation.

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Jami’s first 16 lines:

The switchblade clattered to the floor from Daniel’s slackened fingers. He crumpled to his knees, staring in horror at his mistake. “I’m so sorry, Demetri. I didn’t mean to.”

Demetri sprawled motionless on the linoleum in front of him. The blood-spattered rip in his shirt sat directly over his heart.

“I didn’t know it was you. It’ll be okay. You can fix this.” Daniel pressed his trembling hands against Demetri’s wound. “You’ll be fine. You just need to fix it.”

The man under his palms didn’t stir.

“Demetri, fix it!”

Nothing changed.

Daniel jerked forward to shake Demetri’s shoulders. “No, damn you. No! You can’t be dead!” But the pool of dark crimson soaking through the knees of his pants told a different story. His gaze skipped across the evidence, unable to deny the truth any longer. He released Demetri and slumped back onto his heels. Despite the anguish confusing his mind, he forced a coherent thought, “Renaldo, there’s been a complication.”

Would this accident destroy his hopes for the future? No, he refused to think about that. He remained paralyzed in his collapsed position while waiting for Renaldo to find him at this (snip)

Close, but no

Nice start with an immediate scene and strong action. You had me until the seventh paragraph. Until then, good action, strong story questions raised. It may well be that for some readers—and agents—that would be enough. But a craft issue—overwriting -- showed its head in that seventh paragraph that was enough to say to me that there would be more of them, and that was enough of a deterrent. Sure enough, it cropped up here and there during the rest of the chapter. This can be fixed, and there is good writing, but I didn’t think it was ready for prime time. By the way, this appears to be an angel story, and I think (but don’t know) that this protagonist is one. A hint of that on the first page would have been a big improvement. Notes:

The switchblade clattered to the floor from Daniel’s slackened fingers. He crumpled to his knees, staring in horror at his mistake. “I’m so sorry, Demetri. I didn’t mean to.” (The adjective “slackened” is a tiny bit of overwriting, i.e. an unnecessary detail. The reader will take care of “seeing” whatever is needed to understand that the hand has released the knife.)

Demetri sprawled motionless on the linoleum in front of him. The blood-spattered rip in his shirt sat directly over his heart. (I’m not sure about “blood-splattered” and “rip.” Seems like splatters would come from outside the body, but if this is a stab wound, which seems like the only thing that could kill the guy, how would there be splatters? Also, a switchblade has a narrow blade—if it was a stabbing, there would be a hole, sure, but would it be a rip, which seems like would come from a slashing movement? These are subtle staging issues that can add up to lessening the credibility of a narrative.)

“I didn’t know it was you. It’ll be okay. You can fix this.” Daniel pressed his trembling hands against Demetri’s wound. “You’ll be fine. You just need to fix it.”

The man under his palms didn’t stir. (The phrase I cut is another snippet of overwriting. We already know the hands are on his chest, so it’s not really needed. The important part is that the man doesn’t stir. Keep it simple and crisp.)

“Demetri, fix it!” (I like this. It suggests the paranormal and helps establish the nature of the story.)

Nothing changed.

Daniel jerked forward to shake shook Demetri’s shoulders. “No, damn you. No! You can’t be dead!” But the pool of dark crimson soaking through the knees of his pants told a different story. His gaze skipped across the evidence, unable to deny the truth any longer. He released Demetri and slumped back onto his heels. Despite the his anguish confusing his mind, he forced a coherent thought, “Renaldo, there’s been a complication.” (The deletions here serve to quicken the pace by deleting things that aren’t necessary. More needs to be done, though—“told a different story” is a cliché that should be changed. And the “forced a coherent thought” isn’t actually clear—he SENDS the though to Renalodo, who is sort of his handler in some sort of experiment gone wrong. This communication element is key to understanding the next paragraph and the paranormal nature of the story, yet it’s not clear here.)

Would this accident destroy his hopes for the future? No, he refused to think about that. He remained paralyzed in his collapsed position while waiting for Renaldo to find him at this (snip)

There are many good elements here, Jami, and the promise of a good story, judging from the bright spots in the rest of the chapter. I know it’s difficult to spot overwriting, but work at it. For example, here’s another bit from later on:

His jaw shifted and he bent over to collect his knife. After a sigh for his ruined pants, he wiped the blade clean, folded it closed, and dropped it into his back pocket.

In this piece, the jaw shifting seems superfluous. For that matter, so does bending over. And so does “folded it closed.” The sigh for the pants is a good characterization bit—the guy is not exactly upset with having killed someone. Trimmed, this could be much crisper, i.e.

He collected his knife. After a sigh for his ruined pants, he wiped the blade and slipped the switchblade into his pocket.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Chris]

For me, there was enough here to get the page turned. The immediacy of the action within the scene, the emotional stakes, and the quirky story questions led me to want to wade further in.

The writing is good, but could definitely stand some pruning and maybe some different word choices, as Ray points out. For instance, I had no problem with the "blood-splattered" shirt, since I envisioned a slash from the switch-blade causing blood to spray from the cut -- the "rip". Aside from Ray's keen observation that a stab into the heart is what you'd expect to lead to death, the word choice of 'sat' seems odd and too passive, even if a slashing switchblade across the chest could kill.

The insertion of the thought towards Renaldo was an interesting quirk that helped me turn the page. But it does lack clarity as to what Daniel's doing. I took it as him imagining what he would say to Renaldo at some point later in the story, not that it was an attempt at communication then and there.

However, the next paragraph is one that made me a little less enthused about turning the page. I want to see what's going to happen in the story, but this is maybe getting a little too melodramatic for me. The inner question that the events might "destroy his hopes for the future" is both too overly dramatic and too vague at the same time. It tries to make the events seem all-important, as if I can't figure out that accidently killing someone he knew will have serious ramifications. Yet it tells me nothing. What hopes? What future? Be more concrete or leave it out all togetehr. Then making him strong enough to "refuse to think about it", yet still keeping him so weak that he remains "paralyzed in his collapsed position" is awkward and hints that the writer doesn't have a frim grasp on the inner workings of the characters and the events being portrayed.

All in all, this is a solid start and hints at a very interesting story. You got me to turn the page, but I'd recommend tightening up the writing. Keep only what is needed, and be as clear, concise, and selective as possible in the words you choose to put on the page. I think you have a good beginning -- some polish will make it great.

[Jami G.]

Ray & Chris,

Thank you so much for the feedback. Yes, it's very hard for me to catch this type of overwriting. I tend to type out actions as I see that movie in my mind and I don't always summarize what isn't important. :) I try, but there's always room for improvement. I also appreciate you both pointing out how I can make the mental communication aspect clearer.

Thanks!
Jami G.

[Lexi Revellian]

I was in puzzled mode through most of this. At first I leaped to the conclusion that this was (because of the circus-type names) a knife-throwing act that had gone wrong.

At, 'I didn't know it was you,' I assumed an unfortunate accident.

But then when Daniel seems to think Demetri can fix it, I gathered this was a paranormal tale. I like to know what is going on in a novel, and don't want to work too hard to find out.

[Doug]

I voted yes, but barely. Like Lexi, I was quite confused about what was going on, and I wasn't sure I wanted to try to puzzle it out.

My usual whine: here's another "body on page 1", and essentially on line 1. I know that it can be effective, but for me it reflects a certain lack of creativity. It's hard to avoid it in a police procedural, but this doesn't seem to be one. (Note: my own attempt at avoiding body on page 1 left a sizeable crater here a few weeks ago due to "stakes too low", so I know it's not easy.)

In addition to Ray's comments, I think that "crimson" is enough without the adjective "dark". I also initially didn't understand how one could "slump" back onto one's heels from a kneeling position; I envisioned him rising to a crouch. Maybe "slumped back to sit on his heels" might be more clear. Or maybe I'm just dense.