Flogometer for Brooke--would you turn the page?

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Helpful information you might want to check out 100 Online Resources That Will Make You A Better Writer is a new post up on OnlineDegree that has a bunch of helpful links. FtQ is on there, one of 6 sites in the “Online Resources That Will Make You A Better Fiction Writer” section.

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A reminder of why we’re here From Guide to Literary Agents comes the following. It was posted in regard to romance, but applies to all.

The best beginnings show—within the first few pages or even paragraphs—the main characters under pressure and facing a challenge, a change in circumstances, or a threat that will significantly alter the rest of her life.

If you opening doesn’t do that, or at least begin to strongly enough to hook a reader, your chances of getting the page turned drop drastically.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

By the way. . .The critiques I do here on FtQ are “one-pass” critiques—one reading of the sample, and then thoughts and notes. For actual editing, it’s at least two readings and a much deeper analysis and annotation.

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Brooke’s first 16 lines:

Heath’s arms throbbed, but it wasn’t exhaustion that weighed on him; his heart thumped; the sweat from his palms stained his pants and he blurted between breaths, “Please, let it be enough.” He trudged up the hill towards his father who stood on a tall stone wall. As he approached, his father reached down; Heath jumped, grabbed his father’s hand, and swung to the top. He let go of his father’s hand and willingly collapsed on the thick stone, letting the cool rock suck the sweat from his forehead.

His father chuckled, “Long day?”

“The longest,” Heath replied. He closed his eyes. Straddling the wall, his gangly arms and legs swelled with fatigue. Heath’s head pulsed. Maybe I could get a piggyback ride. He opened his eyes and rotated his head just enough to see his father.

The tall burly man examined the mountain meadow in front of them. Stretching wide and long, the meadow’s long bluegrass swayed in the breeze and lapped against the six-foot wall surrounding the field. Outside the meadow, white branches of a thick aspen forest scratched at the fortifying barrier.

I passed, but a better opening was on the next page

Even though Brooke is opening with an immediate scene, a good thing to do, what I see as overwriting in the very first paragraph, a touch of a point-of-view shift, and the lack of story questions stayed my hand. In a moment I’ll pull what I think is a better opening from the following page, but first some notes.

Heath’s arms throbbed, but it wasn’t exhaustion that weighed on him. His heart thumped, and the sweat from his palms stained his pants. and h He blurted between breaths, “Please, let it be enough.” He trudged up the hill to towards his father, who stood on a tall stone wall. As he approached, his father reached down; Heath jumped, grabbed his father’s hand, and swung to the top. He let go of his father’s hand and willingly collapsed on the thick stone, letting the cool rock suck the sweat from his forehead. (In the complicated opening sentence, the lack of specifying what “it” was pulled all the power from what Heath is feeling. Since we never learn what “it” is, this doesn’t really have any meaning to the reader. I’ve trimmed some of the excess detail that slows and muddies this opening. If only the “let it be enough” had been clarified on this first page, there might have been enough tension to move me forward.)

His father chuckled, “Long day?”

“The longest,” Heath replied. He closed his eyes. Straddling the wall, his gangly arms and legs swelled with fatigue. Heath’s head pulsed. Maybe I could get a piggyback ride. He opened his eyes and rotated his head just enough to see his father. (“gangly” is a brief slip of point of view—it’s the author giving information. In close third person, as this is, a character should not think, feel, know or do anything that a person would not ordinarily do. In this case, who would think of his own legs as “gangly?” On the other hand, the age of the character was worked in nicely since it came from a natural thought from within his POV.)

The tall burly man examined the mountain meadow in front of them. Stretching wide and long, the meadow’s long bluegrass swayed in the breeze and lapped against the six-foot wall surrounding the field. Outside the meadow, white branches of a thick aspen forest scratched at the fortifying barrier. (Another POV thing—a boy would not think of his father as “the tall burly man.” “Long” is a conclusion word that isn’t needed here—the grass swaying in the breeze shows us that it’s long.)

Here, with a few little trims and adjustments to help it work, is what I think is a better opening from the next page.

The meadow’s long bluegrass swayed in the breeze and lapped against the six-foot stone wall that defended it. Outside the field, white branches of an aspen forest scratched at the fortifying barrier.

Atop the wall, “Heath’s father said, “Well done, son. The wall won’t stop them, but they won’t be able to sneak in unnoticed this time—by exposing them, we’ll have an advantage.”

“Thanks. I hid a lookout over there.” Heath pointed along the wall to the secret watchtower. “They won’t know we’re watching; at least, not at first.”

“Good. You know you’ll need help protecting the field.”

“I thought I would use the mountain lions.”

“Hmmph.” Heath’s father nodded. “They are fast, loyal, and deadly, if necessary.” He sighed, “They’re an excellent choice. Heath, you put a lot of thought into this, and I can see you’ve grown. I’m proud of you.”

Heath smiled, but his father’s approval didn’t calm his fluttering nerves. What if it still wasn’t enough?

Heath peered into the forest. “Do you think they’re out there right now?”

I liked much of the rest of the chapter, Brooke, but for me you teased too much and didn’t help me understand what the story was about. The threat, whatever it is, needs to be clear in the reader’s mind for this to mean much. There’s plenty of promise, though, so keep at it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES © 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Brooke]

Thanks for the feedback. Crafting takes practice and loads of revision. I appreciate your suggestions. cheers.

[von]

The second seemed almost from a different book. In the first I ended up thinking that he was a son having problems pleasing his father, in the second that they were under the threat of imminent attack by some (human or alien) invaders.

[Voter]

No for the first, a qualified yes for the second. There are too many semicolons! Short sentences and periods are your friends.

[Christine H]

Yes, I agree that we need to know more about what is happening to be truly involved. Who are they? Why is this particular field so important that it has a wall around it?

I'm also wondering how old Heath is. He's old enough to build a wall and a watchtower and control lions, but he still wants a piggyback ride from his dad. That confused me.

By the way, I'm so bummed you're using lions. Now I have to use something else. Maybe rabid squirrels?

[Norm Benson]

I said "no" to both.

The first didn't open a story question, only confusion thinking the father was angry with his son and then not knowing what might be the thing that needed to be enough.

The first para of the second sounded "arty," as if the defense wall was built to keep the aspen from invading the meadow. I think it should be clear that it's a wall meant for the safety of those within.

[Kathy]

Trained mountain lions! How cool!