Flogging for Keith + win a chapter edit by me

Win a free chapter edit Blee Bonn, on her blog, has a contest for which the first prize is a first-chapter edit by yours truly. You enter with the first and last lines of your opening chapter. And that's not the only prize, too.

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Story Structure post I've a post on story structure up at Writer Unboxed that you might find helpful.

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Last call for e-review copy of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles Email me by midnight PST tonight, the 18th, and I’ll email to you a PDF of the complete book.

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And now to our regularly scheduled flogging.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Keith’s first 16 lines:

It is possible to wake up one morning and go to bed that same night without realizing that some innocuous event that day will change the course of your life and mark you forever. I had thought that life changing events were massively signposted along the way and accompanied by thunderclaps and lightning. But no, quite often, they are much smaller. A sudden thought, a phone call, spending a couple of minutes longer in one place than you intended. The point is that the event can never be pin pointed and the cynic would say if not now then later. The event passes like a breath or a touch, a ghost unseen. But the mark is left to begin its work. In some ways I will now start to contradict myself, but I do say this with the benefit of hindsight. Something I will return to much later. On this particular day, I seethed with anger as I walked down a busy street, Cockburn Street in fact. A street that always pissed me off anyway because it was so steep, but at least I was going downhill this time. The papers in my hand kept sliding apart and twisting out of my grip. Ten minutes before, I had walked out of his office. The old goat had sat opposite me and in the space of less than quarter of an hour had proceeded to rip apart the assignment I had spent two weeks putting together. He had sat opposite me, barely looking at the A4 sheets I had handed in a week before, whilst his bleating falsetto voice droned on.

‘Basically not enough research… half hearted effort…the main assumption used is the wrong (snip)

Not compelling
A reminder of the point of this exercise—making the first page irresistible, so intriguing through story and voice and tension and story questions that a reader is literally—yes, literally—forced to turn the page because they simply cannot turn away without reading more. A tough assignment, but if you achieve that, then you have a shot at getting the next page turned.

Here, the writing and voice are good, and the musing interesting—but, for me, not compelling. After one massive paragraph the narrative heads off into backstory, for me a sure momentum killer if the backstory is not about a riveting event. Here we have a person getting a negative reaction to a paper he’s written. Without any idea of the stakes involved, that wasn’t much of a motivator for me. If I had known, for example, that the character’s graduation, and thus his ability to marry the girl he loves, depended on this, maybe . . . But here we just have anger and, frankly, a bit of a whine. I’m not sure I like this character, and I didn’t feel like hearing more. More than that, I have no idea what the story is about.

The writing is quite clean and there were few nitpicks, so I won’t do an extensive analysis. Two things I noticed: life changing events should be life-changing events and pin pointed should be pinpointed.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Voter]

That one long paragraph is a real turnoff. It felt strange as it started out formal, then became casual and used slang. It just didn't work for me. Not to mention that there's no conflict until the end, and then it's only about a two-week project.

[Chris]

Sorry, but no.

Besides the intimidating look of everything crammed into a single paragraph, I am really NOT a fan of the HIBK ("Had I But Known") technique of foreshadowing at the beginning of a story.

To me, it's a lame attempt to try and arouse interest by promising a 'big outcome' to present story events that seem insignificant in the telling. But in the meantime, I'll have to wade through a lot of backstory to get to the 'big outcome'. It's like telling your readers, "Hey, I know what I'm going to tell you now is dull, but I promise that I will get to more exciting and interesting parts later..."

By even reading your story, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that there will be some excitement and interest -- you don't have to waste words trying to set me up for it. But -- more importantly -- please don't make me have to wait for it.

And one last point about the HIBK opening: Frankly, not to sound rude, but I'll be the judge of how significant and 'life-changing' your story is. Don't try to point it out to me in advance.

To tell the best story, just get to the significant and exciting parts, and let me see for myself how 'life-changing' the story is for your characters. That's part of the fun of reading.

[Doug]

I have to agree that the sheer length of the first paragraph is off-putting. I was hesitant to even start reading this.

It seemed particulary unnecessary because that paragraph begged to be split just before "On this particular day...".

The first half of that first paragraph is the author speaking to the reader. "Authorial intrusion" is a common term for this. Once upon a time it was routine in fiction, but because it keeps the reader *out* of the story it's generally considered to be undesirable in modern novels.

I've seen authorial intrusion work when carefully used in small doses by authors who know what they're doing, but it's a ticklish tool.

Content-wise, the first half of the first paragraph tells us about the future, the second half of the first paragraph is (I think) in the present, and then the second paragraph drags us into the past. This is the wrong direction.

Again, some experienced authors can make time run backwards or jump all over, but fooling with time is another tool that's more likely to do damage than to help.

More specific craft issues:
* You tell rather than show the lead character's emotions (seething, etc.).
* "a busy street, Cockburn Street in fact" is unnecessarily wordy.
* The other person (a professor?) isn't named, and having anonymous people on your first page isn't a good sign. You named the street.
* One sentence starts with "The old goat had sat opposite me" and the very next sentence starts with "He had sat opposite me", a glaring repetition.
* I don't know how a bleating voice can drone.

[Lesley]

He sat opposite me, barely looking at the A4 sheets I had handed in a week before and whilst his bleating falsetto voice droned on, I shot him.

***************
If Keith's sixteenth line was as above would this then make it a compelling read?
Is getting the page turned that simple?
If so, my sixteen line contribution, which will be coming up for a flogging shortly, is in big trouble.
Lesley

[Lexi Revellian]

I felt I'd been buttonholed by a bore who suddenly got furious about very little. In real life, I'd have been nodding soothingly, while backing towards the exit.

(Two instances of 'that' in the first sentence.)

[hope101]

In addition to the comments already made, a red flag for me on this first page is the passivity of the main character. If you look at the noun and verb choices, fate intervenes, the papers escape, the professor drones, but the MC only walks and seethes. I don't want to spend 400 pages with a reactive character.

Having said that, I do enjoy this voice.

[Bigdavediode]

"He sat opposite me, barely looking at the A4 sheets I had handed in a week before and whilst his bleating falsetto voice droned on, I shot him.

***************
If Keith's sixteenth line was as above would this then make it a compelling read?"

Nope. There is no suspense in a simple shooting, unless you care about one of the characters. Otherwise it's a cartoon action against an uninteresting character.

[mandy]

"wake up one morning and go to bed that same night"
I know what you mean, but this sounded clumsy to me.

[Bree]

The first sentence is a question, but doesn't have a question mark at the end. That alone made me stop reading.

[Bree]

Oops. Guess it's not a question after all.