Flogging for Christine—would you turn the first page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Christine’s first 16 lines:

No new snow had fallen since morning, so the lion’s tracks were clearly visible in the lantern light as the farmer showed them to the four Rangers. It had paced back and forth in front of the barn door, searching for a way in. Deep scratches showed on the wood.

“These were made by a male. A large one,” said Faldur, the captain, stooping to examine the prints. He was as lean and cautious as the cats he pursued, with grey eyes deeply set beneath dark brows, and smoothly-weathered features that concealed his true age. With only thirty-five winters behind him, Faldur was one of the youngest captains ever commissioned in the Rangers, and that mainly for his skill in hunting the black mountain lions that the farmers called “nightstalkers.” They stayed up on the heights in warmer months, but in winter hunger drove them down into the foothills where the Hanorja dwelt. They preferred sheep or poultry, but would kill anything that got between them and their prey.

“It came out of the woods around suppertime,” said the farmer. “The dogs barked fit to wake the dead, and the dories were screaming and kicking the stalls. It gave up, but ‘twill be back. Good thing the sheep were in.” The loss of even a single ewe would be a heavy blow to him, for the fine, soft wool of Glenhym sheep was worth its weight in silver.

“Show me the rest of the tracks,” said Faldur.

Missing a key ingredient

This opening begins with a scene and good, clear writing. The world is clearly imagined, the scene is set, we know who the story is about—but, for me, there was no tension in this opening. The men are quite calm, they are in no danger, just discussing tracks in the snow. It does suggest that there might be jeopardy for Faldur or the farmer’s sheep in the future, but that’s not a certainty, nor is there any anxiety on the part of any characters. Christine wrote that she is more comfortable with the omniscient point of view, and that’s okay as long as it’s well done and the narrative raises story questions. When I think about it, I don’t see any compelling story questions here.

The writing is good, though, and I suspect a good story waits to be told—and started. One little nit and then an alternative opening taken from later in the chapter: the narrative says that the lions would kill anything that got between them and their prey—is that the only circumstance that they kill? I suspect not, and that meaning is not what is intended here.

Part of what Christine is trying to do here is to introduce her main character with an action scene that isn’t the main storyline, sort of like the opening sequence in the first Indiana Jones movie. I see it as a certain amount of throat-clearing. Yes, there’s world-building going on too, but that can, and should, be woven in with compelling story. Here’s an alternate taken from later in the chapter, Christine, I’ve trimmed it a lot and simplified it to enhance the action, but you’ll see where I’m going.

A soft hooting from Harth indicated that he had found the tracks. As Captain Faldur and his partner, Romer, moved into the ravine, a black shape bounded out of the trees. It was a monster nightstalker, a black lion with its head as high as Harth’s shoulder, snow splaying from beneath its huge paws as it ran.

Faldur yelled, “Jump left.” They dived just as it pounced, and it overshot them. Faldur loosed an arrow which lodged in the nightstalker’s shoulder as it turned to attack again, screaming a howl of pain and fury that rang in the frigid air. Faldur surged forward as the lion leaped at Harth, who was stringing an arrow even as he struggled to his feet. Romer regained his legs, raised his blade, and plunged it into the lion’s throat. It collapsed against Harth with a gurgling noise, knocking him sideways and trapping his legs under its body. Romer grabbed the back of the beast’s neck to haul it off.

Then Faldur heard a rustling noise. From the corner of his eye he saw a second nightstalker emerging right beside him. He shouted, “There are two!”

Faldur turned to face the nightstalker. This was too close -- unless he timed it just right and was able to use the beast’s own weight to impale it on his blade, he was dead. The lion’s ears were back, its yellow eyes fixed on his, its lips curled in a silent snarl. It landed neatly on the (snip)

Christine, you’ve got a cool world going here, but for me there was too much info-dump and backstory in the first chapter. I urge you to focus on movement, action, and characterization, weaving in world stuff along the way in small doses.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Christine H]

Ray, I really appreciate your comments. Sorry I was so frustrated. I had a peppermint mocha latte and a long hike in the woods, and feel a little better.

I absolutely understand what you are saying about creating tension. I'm just trying not to go overboard. I have a great fear of being melodramatic. But obviously, I'm being too subtle.

When I said that there wasn't enough information, I meant that there apparently isn't enough information about the lions and the danger involved.

You're right about the main story not starting here. The whole book probably needs to be restructured. I definitely have a fear of being too dramatic, which may be hurting the narrative.

I had removed the following two lines in the revised version I sent you Monday. Perhaps I should have kept them in.

"Although they preferred sheep or poultry, they would kill anything that got in their way. Especially the old ones, trained in the war to fight brave hamen like his father. Faldur had made it his personal mission to hunt down every last one that had escaped the post-war purge."

[Christine H]

One more thing, regarding background information... specifically *what* is too much in what I gave? I was actually pleased that I had trimmed it down to what was necessary to understand what was about to take place.

Regarding the sheep... I'm really surprised that others don't recognize how very valuable livestock is to those who depend on them for a living. Perhaps I'm just coming from a rural perspective, but the price of the wool is essential to this farmer's livelihood, and his entire income could be wiped out in a single night. I need to make that clearer, apparently. I don't quite see how that is out of POV, because everyone present would be acutely aware of it.

[Christine H]

(I meant to say, I *thought* I had trimmed it down to what was necessary...)

[Jami G.]

Christine,

Yes, if a nightstalker were to take out a sheep from a farmer, it might ruin him - but that doesn't equal tension. As readers, we don't have any emotional investment with this farmer, and mountain lions live all over the U.S. and don't affect 99.99% of Americans, so those two facts lead up to a big shrug from the reader. Not good for tension. :) This is one main reason why 3rd Omniscient is not used very much any more. Contemporary readers expect to get emotionally involved with stories and unless an author really knows what they're doing, it's hard to create that connection in 3rd Omni.

Your cut lines suggest some other areas for tension. Was the war against the nightstalkers themselves (are they intelligent and organized)? Or did the military train some of them for weapons? Either way, something could be inserted about that worry - Was this nightstalker they were tracking one of the warriors?

As far as not understanding how the POV feels wobbly, I think it's the phrase "to him", as it feels like it's delving into his thoughts. Even if you chopped that part, you're on the edge of "telling" instead of "showing". If you found a way to show how losing a sheep would wipe this farmer out, it would probably help with the emotional connection and tension as well. Otherwise, the risk of losing a sheep is just not enough tension.

[Doug]

For me, "tension" is not something that occurs in the past. What has already happened, or what could have happened, does not cause tension.

Tension is about not knowing what *will* happen. It could be a minor decision to be made; it could be an internal conflict within a character; it could be a life-or-death struggle. It's any situation whose outcome is uncertain, *and* which the reader cares about.

That last bit is what's difficult in creating tension from minor situations in the first page: the reader doesn't yet have a reason to care whether John decides to order the salad or the cheeseburger, because the reader has just met John.

Outcome uncertain + reader caring = reader keeps reading in order to find out what happens. But sneaky author slips in more tension so the reader can't stop reading when that first outcome is revealed.

[Christine H]

In my very first version, submitted sometime over the summer, I think, I explained that the lions had been trained as weapons. I was told it was an "infodump" and that I should take it out.

[Ray Rhamey]

Christine, I looked back, and the only other submission I could find was September, and there was no reference to lions trained as weapons. Here's the link: http://www.floggingthequill.com/flogging_the_quill/2009/09/flogometer-for-christinewould-you-turn-the-page.html#comments

If there's an earlier post, steer me to it. The September submission doesn't include that reference even in the parts that weren't posted.

There's a risk of being hung up in defending work. Don't. Your work is good, there's plenty of testimony here for that.

I suggest that you be bold. Set this version aside, find the place in your narrative where the real story starts--when something happens that changes Faldur's life and gives him a goal that he HAS to achieve--and then give starting it there a try.

[Christine H]

You're right, Ray, it wasn't in the version I submitted here. It *was* originally, and I mentioned the past war for which they were trained, but that section must have been deleted during the many, many edits leading up to the FTQ submission, in response to other test readers.

Interestingly enough, the more I think about it, the more I think that this *is* where the story starts. I just need to work on showing that more. Things are changing that he doesn't fully understand yet, but he soon will. I just need to inject more of that discomfort into the narrative. I am realizing that this story is really - in spite of the action - a literary novel about these characters and the changes they go through in their fantasy environment. It may be unpublishable, but I'm going to finish it anyway.

Thank you for all of your wonderful suggestions and your time, and thanks to everyone else, too. It's been illuminating.

I don't want to get caught up in defending my work, and I hope that isn't how it seems. I truly just want discussion/clarification. I'm rather alone in my writing, and this is my only critique group.

[Christine H]

The original, narrator-ish first page is the first two paragraphs of this old blog post, if anyone is curious.

http://christinescottage.blogspot.com/2009/04/golden-gryphon.html

[hope101]

Christine, the following is one opinion only: If you can find a few beta readers to go over your manuscript, I'd highly recommend it. I'm not certain you're near your inciting incident at all. I say that having read the piece on your blog.

To me the II is the sharply-defined moment when the protagonist is thrust onto a different path and must choose how to handle it. Whatever they decide, life will never be the same again.

In your present opening, Faldur enters a conventionally dangerous situation, has a few tense moments, but he prevails. Tomorrow he'll presumably get up and do the same thing all over again. There's no tension in that, no escalation of stakes, even though he faces possible death. (At least not from the little bit of your manuscript I've read.) This would be akin to a policeman knowing of mob infiltration in his city, bringing down a minor henchman after a few tense moments, and seeing evidence of an overarching mob hierarchy he must one day face. Someday, sometime he might perhaps walk into a situation he can't handle, but there's no sense of it being soon or the outcome being interesting/nasty/funny.

Does that make sense? Even though a policeman/woman faces death every day, you would never choose to begin a book recounting a day that's like many others in their life. You'd begin on the day of the massive shift which, yes, means the drama.

What helps a reader like me is a sense of urgency, an investment in the outcome, and a gap between my expectation of the direction the scene will take and where it really goes.

So, my two cents and please remember I'm only one person who doesn't read a ton of lit fic or omniscient POV it would be worth your while to really hone in on your story question and put it front and center in your first pages. You might be assisted by some beta readers in figuring our your scene structure.

A place you might consider looking for them is Absolute Write, although I'd recommend hanging out there a while before you latch onto anyone. There is even a Show Your Work board where you can post your entire first chapter and get feedback from others who write in your genre.

Also, Lani Diane Rich is running a six-week course on revisions that begins in January. Jennifer Crusie highly recommends it, so you might check that out.

Hearing criticism about our work is hard, but speaking personally, writing in a vacuum is even harder.

Good luck with whatever you decide. And Ray, hope I haven't erred in referring your blog readers to some other resources.