Flogging for Christine—would you turn the first page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Christine’s first 16 lines:

No new snow had fallen since morning, so the lion’s tracks were clearly visible in the lantern light as the farmer showed them to the four Rangers. It had paced back and forth in front of the barn door, searching for a way in. Deep scratches showed on the wood.

“These were made by a male. A large one,” said Faldur, the captain, stooping to examine the prints. He was as lean and cautious as the cats he pursued, with grey eyes deeply set beneath dark brows, and smoothly-weathered features that concealed his true age. With only thirty-five winters behind him, Faldur was one of the youngest captains ever commissioned in the Rangers, and that mainly for his skill in hunting the black mountain lions that the farmers called “nightstalkers.” They stayed up on the heights in warmer months, but in winter hunger drove them down into the foothills where the Hanorja dwelt. They preferred sheep or poultry, but would kill anything that got between them and their prey.

“It came out of the woods around suppertime,” said the farmer. “The dogs barked fit to wake the dead, and the dories were screaming and kicking the stalls. It gave up, but ‘twill be back. Good thing the sheep were in.” The loss of even a single ewe would be a heavy blow to him, for the fine, soft wool of Glenhym sheep was worth its weight in silver.

“Show me the rest of the tracks,” said Faldur.

Missing a key ingredient

This opening begins with a scene and good, clear writing. The world is clearly imagined, the scene is set, we know who the story is about—but, for me, there was no tension in this opening. The men are quite calm, they are in no danger, just discussing tracks in the snow. It does suggest that there might be jeopardy for Faldur or the farmer’s sheep in the future, but that’s not a certainty, nor is there any anxiety on the part of any characters. Christine wrote that she is more comfortable with the omniscient point of view, and that’s okay as long as it’s well done and the narrative raises story questions. When I think about it, I don’t see any compelling story questions here.

The writing is good, though, and I suspect a good story waits to be told—and started. One little nit and then an alternative opening taken from later in the chapter: the narrative says that the lions would kill anything that got between them and their prey—is that the only circumstance that they kill? I suspect not, and that meaning is not what is intended here.

Part of what Christine is trying to do here is to introduce her main character with an action scene that isn’t the main storyline, sort of like the opening sequence in the first Indiana Jones movie. I see it as a certain amount of throat-clearing. Yes, there’s world-building going on too, but that can, and should, be woven in with compelling story. Here’s an alternate taken from later in the chapter, Christine, I’ve trimmed it a lot and simplified it to enhance the action, but you’ll see where I’m going.

A soft hooting from Harth indicated that he had found the tracks. As Captain Faldur and his partner, Romer, moved into the ravine, a black shape bounded out of the trees. It was a monster nightstalker, a black lion with its head as high as Harth’s shoulder, snow splaying from beneath its huge paws as it ran.

Faldur yelled, “Jump left.” They dived just as it pounced, and it overshot them. Faldur loosed an arrow which lodged in the nightstalker’s shoulder as it turned to attack again, screaming a howl of pain and fury that rang in the frigid air. Faldur surged forward as the lion leaped at Harth, who was stringing an arrow even as he struggled to his feet. Romer regained his legs, raised his blade, and plunged it into the lion’s throat. It collapsed against Harth with a gurgling noise, knocking him sideways and trapping his legs under its body. Romer grabbed the back of the beast’s neck to haul it off.

Then Faldur heard a rustling noise. From the corner of his eye he saw a second nightstalker emerging right beside him. He shouted, “There are two!”

Faldur turned to face the nightstalker. This was too close -- unless he timed it just right and was able to use the beast’s own weight to impale it on his blade, he was dead. The lion’s ears were back, its yellow eyes fixed on his, its lips curled in a silent snarl. It landed neatly on the (snip)

Christine, you’ve got a cool world going here, but for me there was too much info-dump and backstory in the first chapter. I urge you to focus on movement, action, and characterization, weaving in world stuff along the way in small doses.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

I have to agree that the original opening is slow-paced. In the entire page, nothing really happens. Faldur and the farmer talk about the lion.

I might have let that go to see if something developed with the lion, but the point of view was way too wobbly and the infodump in the second paragraph turned me off.

To nit-pick at minor issues:

"No new snow had fallen since morning" suggests that this scene occurs somewhere in the afternoon. So why do they need a lantern?

Similarly, that implies that snow did fall overnight. Yet "It came out of the woods around suppertime" and "the lion’s tracks were clearly visible".

Sentence length tends to be fairly constant, and the sentences are long enough to keep the pacing slow, which in turn highlights the absence of tension and action in the scene.

Good writing, but watch that PoV and try to have something interesting happen on the first page.

[Christine H]

The POV is 3rd omniscient.

[hope101]

I have to agree with Ray's assessment. The writing is technically solid, but in the first snippet, there are only two points of tension: that the farmer might face some financial distress, and that someone might be hurt if they come between the lion and its prey.

Since I don't know the farmer enough to understand the scope of the financial threat to him, nor have I bonded enough to one character to care if he/she might be killed, it's more of a theoretical "sometime" danger. Faldur has been successful so many times, I'm given no reason to believe he won't be again.

What might help if this scene's required: hints that there's something different about this hunt; a vulnerable character who's going to be put at risk soon - a child, or perhaps a less competent ranger; a hint that Faldur has grown cocky about his abilities and will underestimate the antagonist.

[Christine H]

What's so very frustrating is that at the same time I'm being told that the information I've provided is an "infodump," and yet there's not enough information. So what I really need is a different *kind* of infodump.

*headdesk*

Yes, there is much more going on with the lions but every time I try to give the explanation, it's too much. (see previous submission).

Regarding Ray's suggestion, although I'm sure he and others would find that scene much more gripping, my personal reaction, should I pick up a book and find such a graphic scene on the first page, would be to put it down right away. I would assume that the whole book was nothing but gratuitous violence. And I think that to start the book that way sets up a false expection of what the story really is about.

So perhaps this whole section needs to go.

[Lexi Revellian]

Hang on, we've had this before. I remember the elegant Harth. I think I liked those earlier versions better.

I'm not keen on Ray's start, as I'm on the side of the lion. This puts me off the men. It's all a bit Hemingway for me. Also, we have 'gurgling noise' and 'rustling noise' in quick succession.

[Voter]

Wasn't this done before?

I agree with Ray. The second paragraph especially is a bunch of throat-clearing that slowed things to a crawl.

I liked the second opening edited by Ray and would have turned that page.

[Doug]

Christine, when people disagree then its up to you as the author to decide what you want to do. You can't please everyone. Or if you can, please let me in on the trick.

3rd omniscient is a hard sell these days. In my opinion (for all that's worth), that PoV needs to have a very distinctive and interesting narrator with his/her own perspective on the events.

As a reader, I also want to know right from the beginning that the narrator is not one of the players. One easy way to hint at that is to put a glimpse of the future in the opening line. Something like this (I'm making this up and it probably bears no resemblance to your actual story):
"The hotshot Ranger captain Faldur hadn't met a nightstalker he couldn't handle, but that upstart was about to learn a long-overdue lesson in humility. The question was whether he'd survive to make use of what he learned."

[Ray Rhamey]

Christine, you say "not enough information." Not enough information for what? To understand the world and the character's place in it? Maybe not--but the question is what the first page needs to do. For many readers--not you--the first page needs to set the hook with story, or voice, or character. And they need tension. Tension. Tension. The "problem" with this opening was that there wasn't any tension to speak of. If you're confident that information alone is enough to hook your reader, then that's what you should do.

I'm not claiming that the opening I suggestws is a winner--it was just an adaptation of what narrative I had--but whatever you do, it should have tension. And story questions. I haven't seen any more of your story than the first chapter, but all of it doesn't seem to address the central story engine, not even the beginning of the romance.

It might be that you're right in thinking about starting the story in a different place. That's the great thing about computers--just save this version and start with something different.

Reminder: take only advice that resonates with you. Other reminder: the first page HAS to create tension. To quote a couple of successful writers, Elizabeth Bear says, "Your story starts at the moment when something in your protagonist's life is irrevocably changed."

It's clear to me that the hunting incident doesn't qualify for that.

Alison Kent wrote of working on a story where the changes to her protagonist's life were set in motion BEFORE the story opens. And she said that starting any sooner would be giving backstory that could be fed in later.

I understand your concern with the reader having enough information--but, for me, you are not delivering two things yet: the experience of the character, and the "real" story.

But that's just me. I suggest that, after the post has been up for a couple of days, you review the votes on the two polls. As I write this, the first poll has yes/no at 50-50, but the second one has yes at 75%. That may change in a day or so, but the thing is that these are objective readers giving you their reactions to what is "on the page." If it holds up that the large majority are comfortable with the amount of information in the more action-oriented approach, that tells you something, does it not?

This reminds me of the time a critique partner said to me, when we got to chapter 3, "Your story starts here." After reflection, I saw that he was right. I cut two chapters, wove in a few lines of info from that material, and had a much better opening.

Luck.

[Jami G.]

Christine,

Take heart, you're getting lots of good feedback (even if you don't agree with it all and even if the comments disagree with each other) and a comment from Ray even (that's rare! :) ). I think this shows that your writing has enough promise that people are willing to help instead of just shrugging their shoulders.

About your POV, as someone else mentioned, 3rd Omniscient is a hard sell these days - in certain genres. I'd recommend checking out the book: The Power of Point of View by Alicia Rasley. This book is full of great information about different POVs and exploring which POVs work for which genres, which authors, which stories, etc. She even differentiates between different kinds of 3rd Omniscient (a separate narrator figure or not) and how to make them work. I think it could really help you.

As far as your other concerns, I understand why you don't want to set up the reader with false expectations for the rest of the story. I have that problem in my WIP too. :) I didn't see the infodump concerns that some of the other commenters did in your beginning here, but I did see where you undercut your own tension. I think if the story is not all action/gore/fighting, then you're right to not go with Ray's suggestion. However, make sure that the beginning you choose does have tension/conflict of some kind. I'd cut this sentence as it's not necessary and makes the nightstalkers sound less scary: They preferred sheep or poultry, but would kill anything that got between them and their prey. I'd also cut these sentences as they interrupt any tension, are unnecessary, and again make them sound less scary: Good thing the sheep were in.” The loss of even a single ewe would be a heavy blow to him, for the fine, soft wool of Glenhym sheep was worth its weight in silver. (This second sentence is also what makes your POV feel wobbly.)

So, I think the tension can be there in your first scene if you tighten and choose your details carefully. Does that help? Feel free to email me if you have questions.

Jami G.

[Jami G.]

Huh, I thought my email would link up, but it looks like it didn't...

jamigold7 at gmail dot com