Flogging for Brian + contest to win free chapter edit

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Win a free chapter edit Blee Bonn, on her blog, has a contest for which the first prize is a first-chapter edit by yours truly. You enter with the first and last lines of your opening chapter. And that's not the only prize, too. Contest deadline is December 28.

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And now to our regularly scheduled flogging.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Brian has been to FtQ before, and last time we took a look at his prologue opening versus the first chapter opening. So we’ll do the same today. Here are Brian’s prologue’s first 16 lines:

The Great Hall of Thunderhead Castle thronged with Wizards. Above them, colored banners and flags waved cheerfully from the ceiling and balconies in a Magical breeze. There was little of that cheer among those gathered there, though. What talk there was occurred in hushed whispers. This was a momentous occasion; no one wanted to miss even a moment.

Because Blight was to be banished.

The banishment was all but certain. A vote still needed be taken, but Huckabee Stonecraft couldn’t imagine Blight being reprieved. A very recent graduate of the Wizard College, Huckabee felt himself quiver with the excitement of being there. No Wizard had been banished in living memory; there were legends, only, of banishments in the distant past.

But Blight has done things that threaten everyone in the World, and the World itself, Huckabee reminded himself. Wizards have died from his actions.

He chafed at the wait, eagerly willing Grand Wizard Stormcloud to appear so the vote could begin. He relished the chance to be a part of history, but dreaded it as well. Sending a Wizard to where Magic doesn’t work.... He shivered. It seems like a fate worse than death.

Yet, the World selects so few of us to wield its Magic, and Blight has forsaken that gift.

Blight had to go.

And now for the first chapter opening.

“Astra! Time to go!” my mother called from the front porch. “We’ll be late for the Festival. And for goodness sake, brush your hair before we leave!”

Looking tidy was the last thing on my mind, but I pushed my mass of red hair back with a swipe of my hand. “Go on ahead, Mother!” I called back. “I’ll catch up after I finish with the Hearth.” I tried to keep the rising panic out of my voice, but Mother would have noticed if she’d been able to see me -- being nervous really makes the freckles stand out against my pale skin.

What I desperately needed to finish was coaxing the Hearthfire back to health. I’d been tending the family Hearthfire for six months, ever since I turned twelve on First of Summer, and I was proud of my success. But today, wrapped up as I was in the craziness of getting ready for the First of Winter Festival and Light Show, I had completely forgotten about it.

The Hearthfire hadn’t gone out...not quite...but it’s not like I could just go next door and borrow a cup of fire if it did die. That was banned under the World’s rules -- no starting our own fires, or anything more mechanical than a wheel. We had to call for a Wizard any time a fire went out. Those were the rules, and had been since people first came to Amedia.

I worked on the fire as quickly as I could...blowing on it, coaxing it, adding kindling, adding fuel...until it burned a bit more steadily. I had a queasy feeling it wouldn’t last ’til we got (snip)

I took a look at Brian’s first effort back in July and, for me, both beginnings were greatly improved over the previous drafts—just goes to show you what hard work can do.

These narratives now open with immediate scenes and involve us with characters right away. The prologue is a little more distant than I’d like it—if Huckabee is to be a character we meet again, I’d like to be closer to his point of view. If not, well, maybe we should be in another point of view. In the end of the prologue a female character is introduced who will probably be in the story later (if not the character introduced in the first chapter), and I wonder if the pov would have been better there.

The prologue opening is about important events, and the story questions raised were plenty good for getting me to turn the page. If Huckabee is to be a continuing character, I’d recast the first couple of paragraphs from within his point of view. For example, the first sentence could be something like this thoughtstarter: Not even at his class’s graduation ceremony from Wizard College six months before had Huckabee Stonecraft seen the Great Hall of Thunderhead Castle so thronged with Wizards.

While the chapter opening doesn’t have huge tension, it does have tension—and the girl’s fear of failure with the hearth fire involved me with her enough for me to want to see what happened next.

Good work, Brian.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

I'm afraid I couldn't move forward from either. I did appreciate the overall command of English, though.

Comments on the prologue:

An awful lot of nothing happened. The prologue describes the present in a mostly passive voice, then moves to backstory.

Beyond the first paragraph, the prologue leans toward telling rather than showing. This is particularly noticeable in Huckabee's reactions in the fifth paragraph: chafed, relished, dreaded.

Craft issues:

The opening line of the prologue is awash in capitalized words. Only the predicate and two prepositions escaped the plague.

Personally, I found the repeated capitalization of "Wizard", "Magic", and "World" to be annoying. It seems to me that the reference to "the Wizard College" should have been to "Wizard College" if that's the name of the institution, or to "the wizard college" if that's just the generic description.

The flags waving "cheerfully" didn't work for me. The flags aren't themselves cheerful; the cheerfulness would come from the observers' reactions to the flags, and you tell us that the observers weren't cheerful.

The words "momentous" and "moment" both appear in the last sentence of the first paragraph. Yes, they're in different contexts, but the juxtaposition is still conspicuous.

"The banishment was all but certain. A vote still needed be taken, but Huckabee Stonecraft couldn’t imagine Blight being reprieved" is redundant.

"No Wizard had been banished in living memory; there were legends, only, of banishments in the distant past" is also redundant. We're told the same thing three times in one sentence.

The use of the past perfect tense in Huckabee's thoughts didn't seem necessary.

The sequence about the impact of Blight's sins -- "threaten everyone", "[threaten] the World itself", "Wizards have died" -- didn't feel right to me. Out of order, or something, based on the importance of the concerns. Maybe it's just me.

The "Huckabee reminded himself" also struck me wrong in that paragraph. He shouldn't need to remind himself about that information; under the circumstances, it should already be consuming his thoughts.

In the next-to-last sentence of the prologue, I don't think that "forsaken" is the word that you wanted. If Blight forsook magic, he shouldn't much care if he was banished to a world without magic.

[hope101]

The "am I compelled?" question is always difficult for me to know how to answer when I don't read this genre, so I passed it by.
I will say, however, that these two passages have been much improved since they first appeared. Bravo! There's much more immediacy and tension here.

However, I have a few suggestions that would make it appeal even more to me:

First, I do prefer limited third to omniscient. Since the first person passage leads me to believe you're perfectly capable of that, Brian, I'd like to challenge you to go deeper. While you're at it, perhaps you can improve on microtension, beginning with the first line.
You might begin with something more like "The cheerful flags waving above Huckabee's head felt at odds with the hushed whispers surrounding him." I'm sure you can do better, but you get the gist. Infuse story questions from the first.

To that end, in the first chapter, what would help hook me is to understand why the fire going out is such a big deal. Is it a point of pride? A matter of survival because of the weather? Is involving a wizard in one's housekeeping more than a matter of inconvenience? All three?

Lastly, and this is nitpicky, but watch for word repetition. "Banish" is used many times in the first passage, and "fire" in the second.

Overall, though, much improved work. :)

[Doug]

(continued)

As for the first page of chapter 1, I just didn't feel any story problem or stakes. The hearthfire wasn't enough for me.

For me, the point-of-view wandered too much. For example, "Looking tidy was the last thing on my mind" is proper first-person, but that same sentence continued "I pushed my mass of red hair back" which is from a detached viewpoint but starts with "I".

The end of the second paragraph and the entire third and fourth paragraphs are basically exposition and backstory, don't seem to be from Astra's point of view, and are written primarily in a passive voice. I don't think that they add much, if anything, to the scene.

I did like the way that Astra's age was worked in, but the sentence that contained this information was not worded in a way that sounded like something that Astra would be thinking while she was worried about the fire.

The switch from third-person prologue to first-person story is a bit unusual (but not unacceptable).

Craft issues:

There are three exclamation points in the first paragraph, and another one in the second.

The invasion of capitalized nouns continues: "Festival", "Hearth", "Hearthfire", "World", "and Wizard".

In the first paragraph, "goodness' sake" needs the apostrophe.

In the second paragraph, the "I called back" dialog tag is unnecessary.

The "after I finish with the Hearth" followed up with "What I desperately needed to finish was coaxing the Hearthfire back to health" is redundant.

Ellipses (...) are misused in the last two paragraphs.

In the end, it was a lack of content that made me disinterested. Between the prologue and the first page, the only action that occurred was Astra trying to coax the fire back to life at the very bottom of the first page.

[Lori]

I'll comment as a reader, not as an editor. I loved the voice in both pieces. The stage was set well, which to me promises a strong storyline. Sometimes the voice alone can compel someone to read forward, even if not much is happening. I suppose I gain trust in the writer if the words on the page and their flow "work". I suppose I wasn't reading for craft perfection, but I was captured. I didn't notice any blips with the POV.

[B. Bradford]

"Looking tidy was the last thing on my mind, but I pushed my mass of red hair back with a swipe of my hand."

What else would she push her hair back with? Her foot?

Try: "Looking tidy was the last thing on my mind, but I pushed my mass of red hair back."

[B. Bradford]

Come to think of it:

"Looking tidy was the last thing on my mind, but I pushed my mass of red hair back."

Why would she mention that her hair is red? It's the hair she's used to. And "mass" doesn't really fit here.

"Looking tidy was the last thing on my mind, but I pulled my hair back."

Or perhaps: "I pulled my hair back in the mirror even though looking tidy was the last thing on my mind."

[Kami]

was to be banished ...

I'd rather know who is doing the banishing. Is the wizard college banishing him/her? Some sort of court or council?

I'm okay with the rest of the passive voice, though a little more active voice might serve better. Also, I'd like to see Huckabee as more of a character. Right now it seems he's basically just a camera, without any real stake in whether Blight is banished or not. It's the difference between some random person at Hogwarts watching Harry Potter, as opposed to Ron or Hermione or Snape being *involved*.

Ditto everyone's comments that this is better, and ditto that there are good story questions. I hope this helps!

[Christine H]

I liked Astra better as a character. Huckabee seemed a little too interested in Blight's downfall for me to connect with him. If there was some way of blending the two I think that would be my preference. i.e. explaining why the festival was so important as Astra coaxed the fire back to health.

As someone who obviously is not allowed to use magic in a magical world, I found her more compelling than H.

[Christine H]

"...hair back with a swipe of my hand." I have to defend this one. Her mother told her to *brush* her hair. She is just pushing it back quickly with her hand. I think this detail is informative.

As well, "mass of red hair" is okay for me even in close third person POV. As a teenager, I was acutely aware of how my hair looked at all times. Mine was the color of broom straw and just as straight. So I don't think it's inappropriate for her to be aware of her hair being a difficult "mass" and red.

[louis vuitton bags]

The significance of the lost decade is very simple.