A fun read for free: e-ARCs of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
I’m so excited! Today (Dec. 14) the printed ARCS (advance review copies) of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles are scheduled to arrive. I’m mailing copies to:
- 8 extremely generous published authors for blurbs
- 5 vampire websites for reviews
- 3 ad agencies with cat food clients to sell ad space
- the makers of Vampire Wine (yes, there really is one)
But that’s just the beginning.
How about you taking part in building a little buzz?
Inspired by author Lynn Vielh’s experiment with offering electronic advance review copies for a novel, I’d like to offer FtQ readers and bloggers an “e-ARC” of Chronicles in return for writing a blog post or review about it in advance of the publication date of February 1, 2010.
While hoped for, favorable opinions are not required or requested, and there are no strings attached other than agreement to these two conditions:
1. Everyone who receives the e-ARC agrees to write about the book
and post it on your blog, website, or an appropriate forum (for those
who don’t have a blog or website
2. Everyone who receives the e-arc agrees not to sell, distribute, redistribute, post on the Internet or otherwise pirate copies of the novel.
Deadline Please email me
with your agreement to the above terms no later than midnight PST on
December 15th and I’ll email to you a PDF of the complete book
To whet your appetite, I offer this:
The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles upends vampire mythology when a starving vampire turns Patch, a calico tomcat, into breakfast—and the world’s first vampire cat.
As Patch struggles to find a new life, as it were, he tells his tale with a deliciously snarky cat take on the world.
He discovers that life isn’t any easier after you’re dead—he's almost skewered with a stake by a mob, tried for murder, just about shotgunned into undead pieces, and comes seconds from being fried by the sun.
Oh, yeah, and turned into a (shudder) politician.
On the other paw, he does hook up with a sweet Siamese, and it looks like he's on the way to winning that election . . .
If you do this, I would greatly appreciate an email from you with a
link to what you post. Thanks. Will all this work? Stay tuned.
And now to our regularly scheduled flogging.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Luca’s first 16 lines:
Voice and story question sucked me inAn old knight approached the dark city of Kalgir. Blown in from the eastern side, he rode hunched over the reins of what once might have been a mighty charger, but whose coat had now lost a lot of its sheen, and whose step had lost some of its fervour. Rain lashed the pair, thrumming against the knight’s tarnished breastplate and round helm. Thunder crashed overhead. A grubby grey cloak, heavy with water, dragged at the knight’s shoulders and moulded him to the charger’s rump.
All in all, the knight and his mount appeared unspectacular: grey and worn and thoroughly beaten down by the great open world, the weather, and time. So as they approached Kalgir, no one of any import took much note–for there are sleepless, bodiless eyes peering out from Kalgir’s towers and spires on behalf of shadowy masters. He was perhaps a Sir, or perhaps a mercenary, or perhaps a lunatic to be braving such horrendous weather in the middle of the night; but none of these things were likely to much alter the deadly games being played in Kalgir’s streets and palaces at that very moment.
The old knight, who travelled under the name of Unther, approached on the Eastern High Road, the road of wealth and trade that linked Kalgir with much of the more civilized parts of the world, and so approached the city’s major eastern gate. The Silver Gate, (snip)
While not compelling in terms of action or even initial tension, and despite the promise of a leisurely storytelling style that I’m not always in the mood for, the writing and the hints of malevolence waiting in the city moved me forward. Yes, I prefer an immediate scene (this is that) in a close third-person point of view (this is omniscient, though it soon slips into the knight’s pov), but writing like “moulded him to the charger’s rump” also promised a level of reading fun. The down-playing of the character’s abilities also suggests that he’s capable of much more, and so is an interesting character to me (also an, er, mature warrior).
There really aren’t much in the way of nits to pick on with writing as polished as this. I can tell you that the story continues in the same fashion, taking its time with writing that rolls off the tongue. I can also say that I wish the first chapter had hinted more at what jeopardy lay ahead, and had introduced the inciting incident that marks the change in Unther’s life. One more thing, Luca—you have rain thrumming the night, but you also have a guard seeing old blood on his boot. That doesn’t seem credible, seeing as how blood is quite water soluble and a serious rain ought to have washed it away.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
I'd turn the page, but barely. As Ray said, the voice is good and the hint of a story question will get me to turn the page, but if things didn't pick up in the next page or two, I'd be less forgiving.
The one sentence I have a nit about: So as they approached Kalgir, no one of any import took much note–for there are sleepless, bodiless eyes peering out from Kalgir’s towers and spires on behalf of shadowy masters. "For" there seems like it's acting as "because", but that sentence doesn't seem to make sense. Would this work better?: So as they approached Kalgir, no one of any import took much note–-not even the sleepless, bodiless eyes peering out from Kalgir’s towers and spires on behalf of shadowy masters.
Jami G.
Posted by: Jami G. | December 14, 2009 at 07:40 AM
I had to vote No -- it just didn't grab me.
To me, the writing was a mix of overly dramatic and vague. Many descriptive terms are used that actually tell me little: An "old" knight; "might have been"; "a lot" of its sheen; "some" of its fervour. Nor do the overly-dramatic phrases like "bodiless eyes" and "deadly games" tell me much either.
Basically we have a distant perspective of a non-descript guy on a non-descript horse arriving at some walled city st night in the rain. So? What's at stake? Where's the tension? Where is the conflict? And three paragraphs in, and the guy doesn't even make it to the gate. That's a mighty slow horse...
Plus, if an opening focuses as much on the weather as the story, then my gut tells me there won't be that much to the story.
There are certainly hints of potential here -- I'd just suggest cranking things up a notch.
Posted by: Chris | December 14, 2009 at 12:27 PM
I thought it was somewhat over-written but I stayed with you until the third paragraph. The omniscient backstory there lost my attention. I would try to get to some conflict on the first page.
Posted by: Christine H | December 14, 2009 at 03:04 PM
It's not my kind of story. I'm not your target audience. So keep that in mind as you read my comments.
I wasn't interested. In the entire page, nothing happened. Furthermore, we didn't learn anything about what the knight was thinking or feeling. The first page was entirely windowpane description. I'm not a fan of lengthy windowpane, but I'm not your target audience.
If I might make some specific points, though.
Three times in 16 lines you tell us that he's coming from the east. That seems about two times too many.
Is there some reason not to give us his name in the first sentence? Anonymous people are less interesting than ones with names.
It seemed incongruous to me that "deadly games" were being played out in the streets of a dark town in a thunderstorm in the middle of the night. Inside the palaces, yeah. But in the streets?
I didn't care for the construction "He was perhaps... or... or..., but none of these things were...". The transition made no sense to me, in part because no "things" had been mentioned--a person isn't a thing. Maybe "none of these possibilities were...". Or better, "none of those possibilities were...".
In that same sentence, "were likely to much alter" sounded like Yoda-speak. It just didn't flow, and usually the reason for splitting an infinitive is to make the sentence flow better.
And in the end, that sentence didn't seem plausible to me. You're saying that if he was a knight of whatever realm, that likely wouldn't matter? And if he was a mercenary, that likely wouldn't matter? And if he was a lunatic, that likely wouldn't matter, either? I didn't buy it; all of those possibilities seem like they could seriously change the status quo in a town.
But then, I'm not your target audience.
Posted by: Doug | December 14, 2009 at 04:16 PM
Overall I found the scene-setting enjoyable and interesting in a low-key sort of way, though there were some issues that tugged at me. Now, in contrast to Doug and probably many others, I have a pretty high tolerance for windowpane description as long as the writing flows well and it doesn't go on too long. So, despite some issues, I liked the voice and description, and if you fix those issues you'll definitely have something I would turn the page on.
Specific things:
The opening of the second paragraph is "All in all, the knight and his mount appeared unspectacular..." Didn't you just spend the first paragraph telling us this? Restating it here isn't necessary, and it drags down the flow.
After that we are told that "no one of any import took much note." Even in an omniscient POV, I find phrases like this grating. Partly I think it's because of the piling up of non-descriptive adjectives that Chris pointed out. Here we have both "any" and "much," neither of which adds anything. Also, you're specifically pointing out something that _didn't_ happen. As I mentioned above, you've already shown us that this guy looks fairly unremarkable. What reason would we have to suppose that someone would take note of him?
You do explain that immediately afterward with the bit about bodiless eyes and shadowy masters, but maybe that should come first, if you're going to take pains to tell us that nobody paid him any mind. You might also take the opportunity to get a little more tension on page one and tie it in with a hint or two about why Unther is going to a place where bodiless eyes can be found in the first place!
In the last paragraph, you need to be wary of a bit of repetition that's creeping in. The words "eastern" and "approached" both appear twice in one sentence. And as Doug mentioned, we've already been told he's approaching from the east; and if he's approaching from the east on the Eastern High Road, it does stand to reason that he will probably encounter the city's major eastern gate. ;-)
All that said, I do like the voice as well as the descriptions and images; the bit about the cloak that "moulded him to the charger’s rump" was very nice. Tidy up the repetitions and ratchet up the tension a little and you'll definitely have something.
Good luck!
And good luck also to Ray with the self-publishing! I read the first chapter or so of Vampire Kitty-cat back when it was on Authonomy; I really enjoyed the premise and the so very catlike voice of the protagonist, and would have read the whole thing if I hadn't been so busy at the time -- or if I had known it would be gone eventually! That's a story that just _bleeds_ fun. Pun very much intended. :-)
Posted by: Trip Volpe | December 14, 2009 at 06:56 PM
I agree with the previous posters--nice voice, don't mind the description or the distant POV at this point, but it felt repetitive and some tension would have made it stronger. I liked the line, "A grubby grey cloak, heavy with water, dragged at the knight’s shoulders and moulded him to the charger’s rump." However, I think he would be molded to the charger's back, not its rump. The rump would be its hindquarters, not where you would sit.
Sounds like a fun adventure. I always love the less than perfect heroes.
Posted by: Darcy | December 15, 2009 at 06:19 AM
It was well written, except for the fact that several lines of descriptive text could probably be cut because they were redundant. I get it that it's raining, dark, etc... Important to move the story forward.
Posted by: Lori | December 15, 2009 at 10:45 AM
Darcy: I got the impression that by "moulded him to the charger's rump" it was meant that the cloak was spread out behind him and plastered to the horse's hindquarters, making their two shapes less distinct. After all, you wouldn't sit _on_ the cloak in the saddle.
Posted by: Trip Volpe | December 15, 2009 at 12:08 PM
That's the impression I got, too, but the image I got was him perched precariously on the charger's rump! :) Maybe it's just me.
Posted by: Darcy | December 15, 2009 at 03:01 PM
This is not a genre I read, so I didn't answer the "turn the page" question.
I did enjoy this voice, however, despite my general aversion toward omniscient POV. I particularly liked the line about the cloak, and had Trip's exact interpretation about its meaning.
Where I got pulled out was use of the present tense in the line about the sleepless, bodiless eyes. I'd suggest rephrasing that to keep it in past tense. Also, the leisurely pace was fine for me until the third paragraph. By then I felt ready for something new to happen.
Posted by: hope101 | December 15, 2009 at 06:48 PM