Flogometer for Vaughn—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Vaughn’s first 16 lines:

The snow beat against the window, and the children's voices beat against her...

"Tell us, tell us!" They cried.

She turned back to them, smiled, and relented...

When I tell you that the prince was in my bedroom, I wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression. It wasn't like I was alone. Scurrying around awaiting my pleasure, were half a dozen maids and other servants. Day and night I was surrounded.

The prince was an official guest of my father, a part of the embassy of L’Ardoin. His was a member of one of a half dozen embassies come in response to my father announcement six months ago that I was ‘of age’. He was not, despite his rank, the head of his embassy. No one expected a noble to negotiate his own marriage.

Indeed, he was the only principal who had actually come—probably because he was the only one young enough, and refined enough, to be an actual asset to their mission.

I certainly considered him an asset. It is a cliché, I know, but he was young, tall, dark, and handsome. He had straight, thick, black hair, totally unlike my people. Most of us had (and I had) thin brown hair; hair which was neither straight nor decently curly.

He was decently thin. Just watching some of those heavy boned (and thick skulled) ambassador types made me ill at the thought of marrying whoever it was they were proposing.

Nope.

If I were a fan of leisurely openings, perhaps, because the voice is nice. But this doesn’t set the scene—we know not where she is as she tells this tale—and the tension level is pretty much zero for me. There’s no jeopardy ahead, as far as we can see. There might have been if, instead of talking about a handsome prince, she got to a later mention of the Mendani, “who were next door to barbarians with their horses and oasis, and who were seeking for me to be the third wife of some chieftain.” That, along with appropriate smells from the delegation, could have foreshadowed her marriage into what sounds like an unacceptable situation for this pampered princess. Some notes:

The snow beat against the window, and the children's voices beat against her...

"Tell us, tell us!" They cried.

She turned back to them, smiled, and relented... (Since we don’t know where this narrator is, nor whom the children referred to are, nor do they figure in to the story in the next few pages, I honestly don’t see the purpose in spending three precious lines here)

When I tell you that the prince was in my bedroom, I wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression. It wasn't like I was alone. Scurrying around awaiting my pleasure were half a dozen maids and other servants. Day and night I was surrounded.

The prince was an official guest of my father, a part of the embassy of L’Ardoin. His was a member of one of a half dozen embassies come in response to my father’s announcement six months ago that I was ‘of age’. He was not, despite his rank, the head of his embassy. No one expected a noble to negotiate his own marriage. (You need to be careful about letting typos such as missing the possessive on “father’s” slip through. Also, the antecedent for "he" in the next-to-last sentence is a bit ambiguous -- is it the prince, or the father? Better to be perfectly clear by using "the prince" instead of the pronoun.)

Indeed, he was the only principal who had actually come—probably because he was the only one young enough, and refined enough, to be an actual asset to their mission.

I certainly considered him an asset. It is a cliché, I know, but he was young, tall, dark, and handsome. He had straight, thick, black hair, totally unlike my people. Most of us had (and I had) thin brown hair; hair which was neither straight nor decently curly. (For me, the “most of us had (and I had) was unnecessarily complicated and clumsy. How important is it that most of her people have thin hair? If it plays in the story, fine. If not, what’s it doing here? And, since she has that kind of hair, “Most of us had” would have been sufficient, IMO. This paragraph is not contributing to the tension level, and we’re still very much in a “telling/summary” mode here. How about making something happen?)

He was decently thin. Just watching some of those heavy-boned (and thick-skulled) ambassador types made me ill at the thought of marrying whoever it was they were proposing. (Be wary of repetitions such as having “decently” in two successive sentences. This narrative is telling us, in nicely subtle ways, about her world—but it doesn’t make the cut for “compelling” for me.)

While I liked the narrator, she seemed placid and engaged in a placid existence, which does not make for a page-turner of a story. Vaughn, I suggest you look later in the narrative, closer to the real beginning of her story, the part that changes things for you, to find a more gripping opening.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Lexi Revellian]

Agreed about cutting the first bit in italics - it just confused me, and made me re-read the passage.

The story could be interesting, once it gets going. But I think the main problem is slightly clumsy prose - Vaughn, do you read your work aloud?

'It wasn't like I was alone' - I can't imagine a princess using 'like' in this modern colloquial way. She'd say 'as if' or 'as though'.

A heroine with 'thin hair' - about as appealing as a balding prince, I'd have thought.

[Kami]

This one worked okay for me. It came across as romantic. I'm not sure the repetition of decently works.

A heroine with thin hair works fine for me--I suspect she's being self-deprecating, which I enjoy in royal characters. I get tired of flawless, bratty princesses.

[von]

Warning: Comment includes spoilers!

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The funny thing about the italics is I had to be forced, my arm twisted behind my back, to put that in by my readers.
It really does play a role, and they succeeded in convincing me it really does have to go here (and the four other places where I do it), but I can see how it violates the sixteen line rule.

Yes, she is being self-depreciating. It is a vital point of the story that the princess thinks she is ugly, and thinks that her betrothed husband (coming up soon) is even uglier.

Sorry about the decent double and the typos. Thanks for all the technical comments.

This all, for me, really reinforces my earlier comment (PM) about needing a 'genre' on these things. Would it have helped people 'hold on' through this page if they knew that it was a fantasy-romance? Would the self-depreciating princess and the italics 'I'm telling a story to my children' thing fit better if you knew that?

(Specifially, 'tell us the story of how you and Daddy got married, Mommy!", but I don't want that level of spoiler.)

If anyone wants to read the rest, feel free to read it at 'vonsbooks.com', the title is 'her fathers choice'.

Oh, and Ray, feel free to send me your newsletter as you requested. Sounds good.

[kathy]

Vaughn,
My first impression was that the children were students, so yes to your suggestion.

[von]

Which suggestion?

[von]

Is this better:

The snow beat against the window, and the children's voices beat against her...

"Tell us Mommy, tell us, Aunty!" They cried.

She turned back to them, smiled, and relented...

[hope101]

I think this voice is lovely - feels almost Persian to me. That said, I'd prefer to have the story narrated as it unfolds, rather than given as a retrospective.

By making it a story within the story - especially since I know there's a happy ending - it removes me one step from the narrator and reduces the tension.

[von]

Well, that is why I didn't want to spoil it so far as to let you know that it was the mother telling the story about herself.

And 'Persian' is very like the effect I was looking for, thanks.

[Lori]

It sounds like there's a lovely story underneath, but I think it reads a bit thick. I'm not so sure I understand what is meant by "asset" - asset to the mission, or asset relative to her specifically? I too had difficulties with the first three lines, but when I went back to read them after I'd finished the 16 lines, then I really liked them. Maybe they should come a few paragraphs down after you've set it up a bit?

[von]

Huh. I will have to think about that. Or maybe if I made them a bit longer, and made it a prolog?