Flogometer for Sherry--would you turn the page?

Happy Thanksgiving holiday I’m giving thanks for all of you out there, working on creating terrific things for me to read.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

By the way. . .The critiques I do here on FtQ are “one-pass” critiques—one reading of the sample, and then thoughts and notes. For actual editing, it’s at least two readings and a much deeper analysis and annotation.

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Sherry’s first 16 lines:

It was always just another day and another dead body - until it was someone you knew.

Kansas City Homicide Detective Seth Banning paused at the bedroom doorway of the rundown duplex, his eyes fixed on the dead woman lying on the floor. He tried to swallow while his brain absorbed the shock. His mind numb, he squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them again.

She was still there. He would know that profile anywhere.

Sheila Peterson.

A woman he never expected to lay eyes on again alive, much less find dead.

Aware that he wasn’t alone with the forensic unit milling around doing their thing, Seth took a moment to recover and gave a quick scan around the place. The only window in the room had been covered in foil. Dirty clothes decorated the floor, the walls lined with U-Haul boxes marked “bedroom” left unpacked, but most were ripped into. He wondered if she had recently moved into the duplex.

His gaze returned to Sheila staring up at the ceiling with eyes faded from this world. He stepped slowly into the room and back into another time.

Gone was the bad bleach job on the hair splayed around her ashen face. Instead, he saw the way she used to wear it, soft brunette curls framed her heart shaped jaw line. She could wear (snip)

Yes and No

The story questions were good enough to make me want to turn the page, but craft issues send warning signals about what the writing could be about. Bottom line, I turned the page to see what happened, and also saw more good writing that needs some work to reach the pro level. Notes:

It was always just another day and another dead body - until it was someone you knew.(I really like this opening line.)

Kansas City Homicide Detective Seth Banning paused at the bedroom doorway of the rundown duplex, his eyes gaze fixed on the dead woman lying on the floor. He tried to swallow while his brain absorbed the shock. His mind numb, h He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them again. (Giving the whole city and title at the opening of this paragraph took me out of the great mood that the opening had created. Leave all of this but his name out of this sentence—the rest can be inserted later. Ordinarily, one would keep one’s eyes fixed in one’s head, so I changed this to gaze. I don’t think “tried to swallow” really works—act it out. Stare at something and then just try to swallow, but don’t complete the action. Doesn’t work, does it? Keep it simple; he swallowed. I cut the “mind numb” part because I think we already get that.)

She was still there. He would know that profile anywhere. (Second sentence here is terrific.)

Sheila Peterson.

A woman he never expected to lay eyes on again alive, much less find dead.

Aware that he wasn’t alone with the forensic unit milling around doing their its thing, Seth took a moment to recover and gave a quick scan around the place. The only window in the room had been covered in foil. Dirty clothes decorated the floor, the walls lined with U-Haul boxes marked “bedroom” left unpacked, but most were ripped into. He wondered if she had recently moved into the duplex. (I suggest looking for a better word than “decorated” to describe the clothes littering the room. “Decorate” has positive loading, and you need something that’s more of a downer.)

His gaze returned to Sheila staring up at the ceiling with eyes faded from this world. He stepped slowly into the room and back into another time. (Using “slowly” is a lazy, adverbial description. I don’t think it’s needed. If you want to characterize his action, look for a verb that does it without the adverb.)

Gone was the bad bleach job on the hair splayed around her ashen face. Instead, he saw the way she used to wear it, soft brunette curls framed her heart shaped jaw line. She could wear (snip) (Even though this is slipping into backstory, his feelings about the woman are enough to let me suspend judgment for a bit, and it turned out to be nicely brief and useful in characterizing.

There’s a lot going for this narrative—flashes of really good writing, and good story questions. Watch out for the kind of soft spots I’ve noted and you’ll do fine. Getting fresh eyes to read it would be a good thing to do. An excellent start.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Norm]

I agree with Ray. I voted no due to the craft issues, too many things acting as drag to what can be a good tale. I also agree on the terrific sentences.

Good start. Pare more.

[Doug]

I'm with Ray. You've got the content, but the writing needs some polishing in terms of phrasing, word choices, punctuation, etc.

The opening line is "body on page 1" (on line 1, even), which I personally think is overused. However, it's still effective, and in a procedural that's where the story starts so what're you gonna do? At least it's an interesting opening line.

Personally, I find the phrase "dead body" to be cliche'. Changing that to "homicide victim" allows you to drop the "Homicide" from Seth's title in paragraph 2.

What made ME turn the page was that the relationship is apparently long-past. I was curious about what the nature of that relationship was. For that reason, in the opening line I'd make it "someone you once knew."

I agree about dropping most of Seth's title. The "Kansas City" part could be worked in later, and I'd drop the "Homicide" part by working it into the opening line.

The sentence that starts "Aware that he wasn't alone" reads clumsily to me even after properly punctuated and the pronoun fixed: "Aware that he wasn’t alone, with the forensic unit milling around doing its thing, Seth took a moment to recover and gave a quick scan around the place." I'd be tempted to drop the extra detail and start with "Seth took a moment".

There are some other sentences that are difficult to scan: "His gaze returned to Sheila staring...", "Gone was the bad bleach job on the hair splayed...".

I'm also unclear about her hair color. Maybe that's part of the yet-to-be-told story, but "he saw the way she used to wear it, soft brunette curls" so how did he know she used to have bleached hair?

Good raw material to work with, but I agree that it could use some polishing.

[Liz]

Loved the opening line - a great teaser to get the m.s. started. Way to go!

[Christine H]

I voted yes, even though stories opening with dead bodies aren't really my cup of tea. The flashback slowed things down for me, though. I agree with Ray's comments... could be stronger, but promises a good story.

[Bernita]

I prefer "dead body". It's more concrete and visual. Alternately, "another homicide" (victim isn't really necessary.)
Otherwise, I agree with Ray.

[Chris]

I hesitated but voted "Yes." But I gotta admit, I'm still only nibbling -- I'm not solidly on the hook.

As Doug says, the "lead with a corpse" opening is a cliche, but in deft hands it can still be a compelling intro for the mystery genre. However, it also sets up another obstacle for the author to overcome; the writing has to be extrordinary to counteract the "oh geez, I've seen this a thousand times before" response in their reader.

I don't believe the writing here is quite to the extrordinary level, though. Ray gave some excellent feedback on where it could be improved.

The strength here is the emotional impact in the relationship between the detective and the victim. That opens the possiblitiy that what we have here is more than just another dead body.

So, at the end of page one, I'm at least willing to wade a little deeper into the story, but the writing needs to be tightened and the plot has to be extremely compelling over the next page to keep me going.

[von]

Ah, now I liked the 'decorating' touch... ironic, contrastive.

I agree about the name, but I would keep 'detective'.