Flogometer for Marsha--would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Marsha’s first 16 lines:

“Kari Marchant, please.”

“Speaking.”

“I’m calling for Captain Nicolet,” a young female voice said. “He’d like you to meet him at his office at 3 p.m. today? Can you do that?”

“Okay. Did he say why?”

“Only that he wanted to show you something.” Kari’s heart fluttered in her chest. She was excited. Just 48 hours ago, she’d made love Rance -– Capt. Rance Nicolet. It was already 2:15 p.m. She hurriedly showered, slipped on faded jeans and cotton t-shirt, hastily applied makeup, spritzed on perfume, and ran out the door. She fiddled with her appearance the entire drive to the Ophelia Police Department.

She found Rance talking to his secretary at her desk. They both looked up when she came in and acknowledged her with a nod. He looked her over from head to toe. When his eyes met hers, they appeared angry. His tone was harsh when he said, “Follow me.” They entered the corridor outside his office and headed to the elevators. In the elevator, he pushed the button for the basement. No words were exchanged. The tension between them was palatable. When the elevator doors opened, the signed posted on the wall read, Morgue. Kari’s heart started beating rapidly.

No go for me

While Marsha starts with an immediate scene, I found that a number of these first 16, vital lines were spent on “throat-clearing” along with some telling. Though there is a story question raised—what does the captain want?—the inclusion of references to the love-making steer it away from the invitation being about a crime, which might have been a stronger hook for this reader. Some brief notes, and then a look at an edited alternate opening from a little later in the narrative.

“Kari Marchant, please.”

“Speaking.” (While this dialogue sequence sounds “normal,” and it introduces a character’s name, it’s a waste of valuable lines, for my money. This could have opened with the next paragraph and her name worked in with the response.)

“I’m calling for Captain Nicolet,” a young female voice said. “He’d like you to meet him at his office at 3 p.m. today? Can you do that?” (The detail of “young” doesn’t seem necessary as it causes no response in the character.)

“Okay. Did he say why?” (Again, in a “real” phone call, the conversation might have gone this way. But this is fiction where you can condense dialogue to what the story needs to be said. For example, in this case the previous paragraph could have included this and some from the next paragraph: “I’m calling for Captain Nicolet,” a female voice said. “He would like to show you something at his office at three o’clock. Can you do that?”)

“Only that he wanted to show you something.” Kari’s heart fluttered in her chest. She was excited. Just 48 hours ago, she’d made love to Rance -– Capt. Rance Nicolet. It was already 2:15 p.m. She hurriedly showered, slipped on faded jeans and cotton t-shirt, hastily applied makeup, spritzed on perfume, and ran out the door. She fiddled with her appearance the entire drive to the Ophelia Police Department. (Here, “She was excited” is “telling,” and it’s followed by showing that lets us know the emotion, so I cut it. The time of day doesn’t seem necessary at all, and doesn’t seem to figure in the story, so that’s overwriting. The last sentence about fiddling with her appearance is more “telling.” Instead, try to show it. For example, At every stop on the way downtown, she checked her hair and her makeup in the rearview mirror. That example is not artful, I’ll admit, but it is a start toward “showing.”)

She found Rance talking to his secretary at her desk. They both looked up when she came in and acknowledged her with a nod. He looked her over from head to toe. When his eyes met hers, they appeared angry. His tone was harsh when he said, “Follow me.” They entered the corridor outside his office and headed to the elevators. In the elevator, he pushed the button for the basement. No words were exchanged. The tension between them was palatable palpable. When the elevator doors opened, the signed posted on the wall read, Morgue. Kari’s heart started beating rapidly. (The cuts here were more overwriting—the inclusion of action or detail that’s just not needed. The line about the tension being palpable was telling—and “palatable” means “tastes good.” Lastly, I’m against the use of “started to” as a description. Try to make it part of her experience. You’ll see how I changed this in the following piece.)

So I’ve taken the liberty of cutting out a lot of excess from the following narrative and rearranged things a little to see if we can craft a more intriguing opening. Tell me what you think.

When Kari got to Captain Rance Nicolet’s office at the police station, he looked her over. His tone harsh, he said, “Follow me.” He didn’t seem like the same man she’d made love to only two days before.

When they passed the Morgue sign in the basement, curiosity turned to alarm and her pulse picked up. “What’s going on? Why am I here?”

All she got was a cold-eyed glance. They stopped in front of a curtained glass window. He rapped on the glass and the curtains were pulled back. There on the slab was Earl Lewis, a man she’d just spoken to yesterday. He had a bullet hole in the middle of his forehead.

She gasped. She’d never seen a dead body before. She turned to Rance and screeched, “What’s wrong with you?’ She turned and fled down the hall.

He caught her and spit out, “You’re what’s wrong. His daughter found him shot in the head in front of his television. She told us you were the last person he saw.” He loosened his grip. “I told you when we first met to let this go. Now you’ve got to prove you had nothing to do with this.”

She shook herself free. “I thought you knew me better than this.”

“Just because you sleep with someone doesn’t mean you know them any better than anyone (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

Comments

[Voter]

No turn. I like the substance of the first opening - she thinks the meeting regards their personal relationship, but they end up in the morgue. However, there were too many craft issues, which Ray has already pointed out.

[Q of D]

"When Kari got to Captain Rance Nicolet’s office at the police station, he looked her over."

From Ray's version -- is this even grammatically correct?

Marsha, I agree with Voter. I like the story but it has a long way to go. You do have a nice voice which is half the battle. More than half, actually. Your pacing, which shows underneath the overwriting, is also good.

I hope you keep working and revising and learning the craft.

[Lori]

I think the overall concept is interesting. And I think in the first one the dialogue is crisp and evocative of reality. However, character, plot development, and suspense seems much more focused in the second one.

[Tony DiMeo]

I would not have turned the page, Marsha. As Ray pointed out, there is a lot of telling and not enough showing. I would have liked to get right into Kari's head.

( "She hurriedly showered, slipped on
faded jeans and cotton t-shirt, hastily
applied makeup, spritzed on perfume, and
ran out the door. She fiddled with her
appearance the entire drive to the
Ophelia Police Department." )

I want to know what was going through her mind while she is doing all this. Was it the same perfume that drove him crazy 48 hours ago? What is she thinking about as she's getting ready?

Show me Kari getting ready to go meet him. Don't tell me what she did.

Another idea is to show the tension in the elevator. It's a great confined space for lots of unspoken conversation. Does she squrim because she is trying to bat her eyes at him and he refuses to look? Show us what happens in the elevator insted of saying "the tension was palpable."

What do you think?

[Christine H]

The first version made me think it was a romance novel, so I wouldn't have turned. I voted to turn in the second version, even though I thought the "cold-eyed glance" and "he caught her and spit out" were a bit overdone. I think a real policeman would be more neutral, trying to gauge her reaction to the body and see if she was really involved somehow or not.

[Christine H]

Ray,
I keep seeing you talk about "throat-clearing" in terms of putting the scene in context by giving background. I working on my own first page, I find that if I take all of the background out, then the story starts rushing along and that information never gets in, leaving basic things unexplained for the reader. You might say, "Well then they don't need to know it." But my readers tend to respond with "Huh? What? Where is this happening? Who are these people?"

So when DO you put the info in?

[Christine H]

I meant, "In working on my own first page..."

[Ray Rhamey]

Christine, I don't say to take all contextual information out, ESPECIALLY something that sets the scene. The throat-clearing I want to cut is generally non-essential, or it's something that can be worked in later. I'd have to see what you have to give a good opinion, but I think it's always possible to work in necessary background--the trick is in how it's done.

[Christine H]

That makes sense, Ray.