Flogometer for Laura--would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Would you like to read the rest of the chapters that are flogged here? While it would be extra time and work on my end, I could set up a page with the rest of the chapter on it and link to it. If the writer was willing (and not all will be, I suspect), would you like to have that option? I’d want to make it worthwhile for the writer and me, i.e., see more helpful comments generated. Please let me know here.

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Laura’s first 16 lines:

Jasmine fidgeted on the stoop, patting her short black curls into place, pulling down on the edge of the leather cap constraining them, wondering how to ask Nikolas for help. She pulled herself up short after a moment, realizing this was a bad place to linger, and reached up to rap on the small panel set into the door. The panel slid open to reveal one bright green eye and a piece of a hook nose peering through.

She smothered a nervous laugh at the familiar countenance and said, "Let me in Petey."

"Password, Jas," came the growled response. "Boss'll kill me if I let even you in without it."

Jasmine relaxed a bit, comforted as always to find the procedures followed. "Smoke and mirrors, Pete, it's all smoke and mirrors today."

She stood back as the door opened, outward of course, just enough to let her slide through into a short corridor. She glanced around quickly before returning her eyes to the smiling man waiting beside the door.

"Dancing today, Jas?" the gnomish little man offered as he led her down the aged corridor, turned a sharp corner and down a long, dimly lit flight of stairs.

"Not today, I'm afraid. I've got business elsewhere. Just stopping in to see Nik for a minute."

Pete moved quickly down the stairs and slapped his hands on the counter just ahead to indicate that Jasmine wasn't expected to pay entry. Another panel in a second heavy door to the (snip)

Not ready for prime time yet
Laura starts with an immediate scene and the writing is nice, but for me there was little tension, and no real story questions. Basically, all that happens is that some enters a doorway. Notes:

Jasmine fidgeted on the stoop, patting her short black curls into place, pulling down on the edge of the leather cap constraining them, wondering how to ask Nikolas for help. She pulled herself up short after a moment, realizing this was a bad place to linger, and reached up to rap on the small panel set into the door. The panel slid open to reveal one bright green eye and a piece of a hook nose peering through. (The lack of scene-setting doesn’t give the reader enough information to understand why “this was a bad place to linger,” so that has no impact—it’s “telling.” There’s the unfortunate echo of “pulling” and “pulled”—watch out for those. There’s a hint of a story question with her need to ask for help, but, since we’ve no idea of her urgency or the extent of the help, it doesn’t add much weight. It’s about the only story question raised, and a slim one.)

She smothered a nervous laugh at the familiar countenance and said, "Let me in, Petey." (Need a comma before Petey.)

"Password, Jas," came the growled response. "Boss'll kill me if I let even you in without it." (“the growled response” is “telling.” Can you turn it around and show it? For example: His response sounded like a low growl. “Password, Jas.” BTW, if you want a reader to “hear” how a line is delivered, the clue needs to come before the line.)

Jasmine relaxed a bit, comforted as always to find the procedures followed. "Smoke and mirrors, Pete, it's all smoke and mirrors today."

She stood back as the door opened, outward of course, just enough to let her slide through into a short corridor. She glanced around quickly before returning her eyes to the smiling man waiting beside the door. (So he’s smiling? Just a moment ago he was growling.)

"Dancing today, Jas?" the gnomish little man offered as he led her down the aged corridor, turned a sharp corner and down a long, dimly lit flight of stairs. (We’re bordering on overwriting here. There’s really no need for the “turned a sharp corner, “ and it slows pace. “Long” is a comparative conclusion word that doesn’t really show the reader anything. And what is a long flight of stairs? Does it go down more than one story? If it doesn’t, then it’s sorta normal, isn’t it?)

"Not today, I'm afraid. I've got business elsewhere. Just stopping in to see Nik for a minute."

Pete moved quickly down the stairs and slapped his hands on the counter just ahead to indicate that Jasmine wasn't expected to pay entry. Another panel in a second heavy door to the (snip) (“Moved quickly” is using an adverb to try to describe when a more descriptive verb is needed to do the job. For example, would “trotted” give more of a picture of what he’s doing? And this description of moving through doors isn’t exactly riveting for me. This space would be better used with story elements. This is your best chance to hook the reader.)

Later in the pages, following a lot more description, including that of a market in an alley that doesn’t seem to bear on Jasmine’s need, comes this exchange with Nik:

"Meredith's in trouble, Nik. Big trouble. And I need your help."

"What kind of trouble?"

"Jonathon's dead. Murdered. And the police think she did it."

Nik looked surprised, then narrowed his eyes and said, "Good. We can do without Jonathon in the world. I'm sure a lot of people feel that way. Did they find her standing over the body with the murder weapon?"

Now, if you can get that on the first page and then fill in the rest as needed, you’ll have me turning pages.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

Comments

[Laura]

Thank you very much! Yeah, I was pretty sure I was starting in the wrong place, but actually I think I'm going to have to finish writing the dang thing and then figure out where is best to begin. I really appreciate the rest of the critique - there's a lot there to tell me what to work on.

[Voter]

No turn. I mostly agree with Rays' comments. Additionally:

"She pulled herself up short" took me out of it, as I have no idea what you mean by that.

I wasn't sure on first read if the smiling gnomish man was Pete or someone else.

So that's twice I had to reread for clarity (which I still didn't get), and no action or tension.

[Q of D]

I used to write similar to this. Looking back, I was really stumbling through the story. It was frustrating because the ideas in my head just weren't translating to the page. Pacing and characters and cliches, oh my.

Then I read "A Good Thief" by Hannah Tinti and it helped a lot. Also "The Blood Kin" by Ceradwin Dovey. Not suggesting that anyone imitate these styles, just that I found much to learn from them.

[kathy]

I did turn the page. There is an element that I liked, but I was also confused by some of the discriptions.

I also would cut this paragraph. And what does "outward of course" mean?

She stood back as the door opened, outward of course, just enough to let her slide through into a short corridor.

[Laura]

Thank you very much everyone.

In answer to the comment that is on the poll page (I hadn't realized there are 2 places you can comment), yes it is fantasy/speculative fiction (alternate future with late period gaslight romance overtones).

To 'pull (someone) up short' is an idiom. It means to stop suddenly. I don't think it's quite a cliche, but I'll certainly rethink the use. Was there something else people felt was particularly cliche?

The door opening outward is just silliness on my part. The building she's going into is based on a 1920s speakeasy (it's actually a smokeeasy) and doors opened outward to guard against police raids (and anyone else who wanted in). It would take too long to explain so it's not worth having at all. I like the smokeasy to was way too excited to describe it instead of jumping into the story.

Yes, I'm a very new writer (though not so new a person) and I appreciate the comments. It helps to narrow down what I need to work on the most, rather than just everything.

[Lori]

Your sentences may be a bit too long, and they are all about the same length. Vary the sentence length and you will automatically make things flow more smoothly.