Flogometer for Jonathan—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jonathan’s first 16 lines:

The five assassins floated atop reed floats and paddled along the island’s south shore. Their legs dragged limply in the water. Less noise for any wandering guards to hear and less splashing for the sharks to feel. The beasts were always there along the coast, whether you saw them or not. Only the foolish thought otherwise. And the foolish were the ones no one ever saw again.

The ocean water warmed their legs and bodies. The wind off the moonlit water cooled their faces and backs. Salty sea air blew against their lips. Anxious muscles ached in their chests. High above them, the southern cliffs of the fire mountain Rano Kau loomed dark and ominous.

Akolo checked the obsidian dagger strapped to his bare thigh. Still secure.

If there had been any other way, they certainly would have stuck to the land, would have planned a different attack, but this was the only way to get close enough. The last thing the Miru clans could afford was the death of their Birdman, so they had posted guards at all the trail junctions and positioned sentries high in treetops. A frontal approach was impossible. As far as they knew, though, the waterfront was clear of all guards. The Miru were not expecting trouble from this direction. No one in their right mind would swim around the mountain.

Right mind, indeed.

As they passed the last of the crags, the beach flashed into view. Akolo’s heart raced. The (snip)

Another close one
The action of the scene was almost enough to get the page-turn; after all, there are assassins on the loose. But there were spots where the narrative was a little overdone to my taste, and the big paragraph of exposition in the fourth paragraph really slowed the pace and dulled my interest. It would have been much better if I’d been getting involved with the character, Akolo. Notes:

The five assassins floated paddled atop reed floats and paddled along the island’s south shore. Their legs dragged limply in the water. Less noise for any wandering guards to hear and less splashing for the sharks to feel. The beasts were always there along the coast, whether you saw them or not. Only the foolish thought otherwise. And the foolish were the ones no one ever saw again. (I edited to relieve the first sentence of the unnecessary repetition of “float.” The adverb was also not necessary—if their legs are dragging, the picture that comes to mind doesn’t need “limp.” As you see, I felt that there was other tightening that could be done. More than that, though, this is a missed opportunity to get us inside the lead character. This distant, omniscient point of view does the job of telling us what to see, but I’d sure like to see a try at giving us the experience of the lead character. For example, a thoughtstarter: Paddling against the tide on his reed float, Akolo led his four assassins past the looming cliffs of the fire mountain, Rano Kau.)

The ocean water warmed their legs and bodies. The wind off the moonlit water cooled their faces and backs. Salty sea air blew against their lips. Anxious muscles ached in their chests. High above them, the southern cliffs of the fire mountain Rano Kau loomed dark and ominous. (This was where the “overdone” kicked in—it was mostly the anxious muscles that did it. I don’t think muscles can be anxious. I think the sea-air-against-lips would not be missed if they went away, either.)

Akolo checked the obsidian dagger strapped to his bare thigh. Still secure.

If there had been any other way, they certainly would have stuck to the land, would have planned a different attack, but this was the only way to get close enough. The last thing the Miru clans could afford was the death of their Birdman, so they had posted guards at all the trail junctions and positioned sentries high in treetops. A frontal approach was impossible. As far as they knew, though, the waterfront was clear of all guards. The Miru were not expecting trouble from this direction. No one in their right mind would swim around the mountain. (For me, this paragraph was a deal-killer. All of this tactical stuff just doesn’t matter to the action, which is five men going to assassinate someone. This space would be much better spent involving us with Akolo and countering the negative associations that go with “assassin,” which sounds like a bad guy. If, instead of this exposition, Akolo could do something like renew his vow to free his clan from the oppression of the ruler they’re going to assassinate, even if he has to give his life, that would be more involving to me than this info dump. I’d cut all of this.)

Right mind, indeed. (If you lose the previous paragraph, this goes as well.)

As they passed the last of the crags, the beach flashed into view. Akolo’s heart raced. The (snip)

Some nice writing here, and the promise of action and adventure to come is here, but I think your grip on my mind needs to be strengthened. The suggestions above might get you there. Keep writing, but crisply.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Christine H]

I actually liked the paragraph about tactics, because I like to know what's going on. That put everything else in order for me.

Yes, it was a little over-written in places, but I voted to turn. Nice job!

[hope101]

If you're wanting to stay omniscient, that's okay, as long as it's an intentional choice. My preference is to read limited third, and I think this piece would automatically be stronger if the details were framed from Akolo's viewpoint alone. (I believe it's also publishers'preference these days.)

I would leave the content of the fourth paragraph; I think it adds to the stakes. However, consider parsing it out as they land and begin their mission.

The second paragraph is rather poetic. I feel it violates the tone of the rest of the piece and cuts pace. For that reason, I'd cut all but the sentence about location.

And now that we've thoroughly confused you with conflicting ideas... : ) Good luck.

[Lori]

I think this reads strongest from Akolo's viewpoint. I'd remove cliches like "No one in their right mind" and also overly used phrases like "as far as they knew". I would add more resonance to the fact that it is night time. Sets the suspense better.

[Christine H]

I was thinking about this some more, and I think Ray is right about the fourth paragraph stalling the action.

It's information I like to know, but it certainly does interrupt the flow that initially draws us in.

[kathy]

I turned the page but I agree with Ray that the fourth paragraph slows the pace too much.
Looks like an interesting story to come!

[von]

I can't really tell you why I didn't turn. Perhaps it is because I like slower starts ( :) ).

I think I am missing setting, and that makes it hard for me. The 'reed' floats make me think Japanese-ish. It sounded sort of like Midkemia, the rift war, but not quite enough to draw me in.

[Norm]

I thought it should have started with "Akolo checked the obsidian dagger strapped to his bare thigh. Still secure."

If this were the first sentence all kinds of questions pop up.