Flogometer for Jim--would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

By the way. . .The critiques I do here on FtQ are “one-pass” critiques—one reading of the sample, and then thoughts and notes. For actual editing, it’s at least two readings and a much deeper analysis and annotation.

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Jim’s first 16 lines:

Mike Brady’s tumultuous life of the last several years had improved somewhat, until the incessantly ringing doorbell woke him on a Sunday morning.

Ray Poirier, a police captain on the Oakdale police department and a close friend of Mike’s, picked up the phone that Sunday morning.

“Emergency, Ray.”

“What’s up?”

“Some nut just shot your buddy Mike Brady.”

“Where?”

“At his house, right at the front door, an ambulance and two cars are on the way.”

Ray dropped the phone without answering and ran out the front door without saying a word to his wife. He flipped the switch for the siren on his unmarked cruiser and raced down the street as fast as he was able to control the car. He lived only four miles from Mike, and on a Sunday morning this early, traffic wasn’t a problem. He pulled up behind another patrol car. An ambulance was in front of that car.

At the top of the five porch stairs lay Mary Gilmore with a gunshot wound in the side of her head. A pistol lay beside her lifeless body. She looked like she needed a priest more than a doctor (snip)

No go here
While a good, old-fashioned shooting raised good story questions, craft issues stopped me. I was totally confused by the jump from Mike in the first paragraph to Ray in the second, and there were other issues. Notes:

Mike Brady’s tumultuous life of the last several years had improved somewhat, until the incessantly ringing doorbell woke him on a Sunday morning. (To the reader, who knows nothing about Mike Brady’s life, this means nothing. You’ve just used two of your precious first sixteen lines to tell (not show) information that doesn’t contribute to the story. And then you leave this character for . . .)

Ray Poirier, a police captain on the Oakdale police department and a close friend of Mike’s, picked up the phone that Sunday morning. (I suffered a sort of mental whiplash when I went from the incessantly ringing doorbell to picking up the phone, a thing that also rings when it wants attention.)

“Emergency, Ray.” (Who is calling? Where are we? The scene needs to be set so we can visualize this character doing what he does.)

“What’s up?”

“Some nut just shot your buddy Mike Brady.”

“Where?” (I think there should be some kind of reaction from Ray here, either physical or internal monologue or both. If I got a call saying my buddy had been shot, I think I’d react with more than a “Where?”)

“At his house, right at the front door, an ambulance and two cars are on the way.”

Ray dropped the phone without answering and ran out the front door without saying a word to his wife. He flipped the switch for the siren on his unmarked cruiser and raced down the street as fast as he was able to control the car. He lived only four miles from Mike, and on a Sunday morning this early, traffic wasn’t a problem. He pulled up behind another patrol car. An ambulance was in front of that car. (The first sentence has two instances of one of my pet peeves—including something that doesn’t happen. He doesn’t answer, and he doesn’t say anything to his wife. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t belong in the narrative. See my post on doing without without. This is also covered in my book. The part about living four miles from Mike is “telling,” the author intruding to info dump. Include such information from the character’s point of view. For example: It took only five minutes to go the four miles to Mike’s house. The “fast as” part was, to me, overwriting, and not needed. Finally, the last two sentences are needlessly explicit and a little clunky. I realize you’re trying to describe what you’re seeing, but keep it crisp. For example: He pulled up behind a patrol car and an ambulance. The reader will visualize what’s necessary, and you can keep moving.)

At the top of the five front porch stairs lay Mary Gilmore with a gunshot wound in the side of her head. A pistol lay beside her lifeless body. She looked like she needed a priest more than a doctor (snip) (Pretty much by definition, if her body is lifeless, she needs a priest more than a doctor, so this didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.)

If Mike is an important character—and the second half of the chapter is with him in the hospital—then I suggest staying with him and seeing the scene in which he gets shot. That way we can maybe care about him a little bit and be grounded in what’s going on. As it is, we haven’t a clue. The jump from Mike in paragraph one to Ray in paragraph two is a fatal lack of focus. Your job is to deliver the experience of the characters, but this narrative, as it is, isn’t doing that. Try opening with Mike answering that doorbell and showing us what happens to him. Would the shooter woman say something? Would he think something, do something?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Voter]

Wow, you have to lose the first paragraph, the jump from one character to the next is really confusing.

Other than that - it's good to start off with a shooting, but the writing didn't grab me. For instance, I don't care how many steps there are. That was awkward.

[Chris]

Another awkward character jump for me is the sudden appearance of Mary Gilmore's body on the porch. Who's she??? How does Ray know her name? I thought Mike Brady was supposed to be the victim.

Just as out-of-left-field as the switch from Mike to Ray in the transition from Paragraphs 1 to 2, the abrupt mention of Mary also disrupted the flow for me.

There are certainly strong story possiblilties here -- the stakes are high, the emotional content could be dramatic, and the potential for rapid immersion into the story is certainly there.

But the clunky shifts in perspective, the lack of focus (insignificant details are mentioned but vital story info is omitted or glossed over), and the abrupt introduction of characters make it a "NO" for me.

[Lexi Revellian]

Ray, I am now clearly under your hypnotic spell. I thought of nearly every note you made as I read this extract - I have nothing to add. (Does that count as a 'without'? That's one point I didn't spot.)

[Ray Rhamey]

Ah, Lexi, you're catching on to my secret mastery of the Vulcan mind meld.

[Trip Volpe]

I agree with Chris about the sudden inclusion of this Mary Gilmore person. Maybe it's important -- obviously an attempted murder-suicide is suggested -- but she really does come out of left field, so if she's going to be there, she needs some form of introduction.

How does Captain Poirier know her name? When he sees her, shouldn't he have some reaction? If nothing else, all he had heard about was his friend getting shot; the appearance of an extra body would most likely surprise him, or at least suddenly throw the situation into new light. Maybe Mary Gilmore was a disgruntled ex and now he has a possible explanation.

If, on the other hand, Poirier doesn't know her, she needs to be described anonymously if we're seeing things from Poirier's POV.

But are we, in fact, seeing the scene from Poirier's point of view? It seems a little bit distant: we get a fairly objective view of what's going on, but not much in the way of Poirier's reactions or observations. I think this contributes to what Chris mentioned as a "lack of focus." The scene would benefit from getting more inside the character's head (which you should have room for after trimming the unnecessary details).

Otherwise, you've definitely created a potentially interesting scene here; we just need a stronger experience of what it means for the police captain and why we should care about him.

As for the first paragraph, I agree with everyone else that it really shouldn't be there as it is. Like Ray, I had a sort of mental double-take when we switched from a ringing doorbell to a ringing phone: it felt a bit like a sound bridge in a film, but the effect on the narrative was confusing and deleterious. What worked in Citizen Kane doesn't necessarily work so well on paper. :-)

It feels like you had a reason for including that snippet -- namely that you wanted to introduce the fact that the doorbell called Mike to the porch where he was shot -- but that you cut it short because you have reasons for not wishing us to see what actually happened when he opened the door. If the doorbell thing is _really_ important, maybe the whole first page should describe the scene up until the door opening and the gunshot? If Mike is going to survive and be an important character, it would also be an opportunity to characterize him a bit.

You'd still have the abrupt break in POV (getting shot tends to be an abrupt experience :-), but I think it would be more justified and less harmful to continuity (and less likely to cause mental whiplash!) with an appropriate buildup. Then again, without knowing where the rest of the chapter goes, I can't be sure whether the doorbell (or Mike, for that matter!) is really important.

Any thoughts or comments on that suggestion?

[Christine H]

Hi Jim,

I think you've gotten some really good comments. You have a strong idea here, it just needs a little work to make it come across the way you really want it to.

I have to admit, I felt cheated out of seeing Mike answer the door. I also had to jump back and forth between the first two lines several times before I figured out that they weren't in the same scene. I thought perhaps Ray was at Mike's house, and was answering the phone at the same time that Mike went to the door.

One of my pet peeves (please forgive me for ranting a moment) is the way that Ray leaves the phone dangling and runs out of the house without saying anything to his wife. I think that unless he is a very inconsiderate person, he would make sure to let his wife know a) that a friend was shot and b) where he is going. Even if he just scribbles a note and leaves it by the phone. After all, he has a very dangerous and unpredictable job and I would think that they would have some agreement between them on how to communicate in emergencies.

I also think he would replace the phone so that he could call home later if needed. (By the way, does he really have a phone with a cord? Most people I know have cordless phones or cell phones only.)
It would be different if he heard the shot and was dashing outside to see what happened, but he knows police are already on the scene.

I know that you are trying to convey Ray's emotional state with these details, but perhaps you can think of something else, perhaps something connected personally to Mike himself.

Just my two cents!