Flogometer for Elise--would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

By the way. . .The critiques I do here on FtQ are “one-pass” critiques—one reading of the sample, and then thoughts and notes. For actual editing, it’s at least two readings and a much deeper analysis and annotation.

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Elise’s first 16 lines:

“Okay, you can open your eyes.”

Kestrin frowned at his reflection in the mirror, and wished he hadn’t shaved. The hairless face just made the image worse. “Michelle, this is awful. Get me a washcloth.”

“No, it’s perfect! You’re a sexy angel!

“No, I look gay.” Kestrin cleared his throat and ventured another look at his reflection. “I look nothing like an angel.” He glanced down at his legs, exposed below the knee. “And I’m going to freeze.”

“It’ll show off your calves. We’ve been over this.”

Kestrin couldn’t argue with that. He’d already talked her out of the wig, which would have obscured both his blond curls and blue eyes—the two strongest selling points of his entire genetic make-up—without which the party was guaranteed to be absolutely no fun. In the wake of the dream’s recurrence last night, Kestrin was even more determined to have fun tonight. “I’m really serious, Michelle.” He grabbed a Kleenex. “No glitter.”

“Are you afraid you might catch the men as well as the women?”

“I’m straight. Is there something wrong with straight?”

Michelle took a bubble gum pink washcloth (was that the only color she owned?) and (snip)

For me, this didn’t reach compelling

Good writing, clear voice, and an immediate scene are in this opening’s favor, but I may be the wrong audience for it. The rest of the chapter seemed aimed at romance, and there was some mystery about this character—but it was never clear enough to hook me. The dream that’s mentioned here never comes up again (in 37 pages), and I wished that the vague reference to it on this page had been much more specific, either as to its nature or to its effect on him. That’s the one hint of jeopardy or a problem for this character, and it was left to die without intriguing specifics to make it come to life and snare my interest. That was the only potential for a story question strong enough that I saw to compel me to read more. The only other question raised by this opening is whether or not he’s going to have a good time at the party. Not exactly riveting for this reader.

Technically, the craft side of the writing is fine. I can find little to nit-pick, so there aren’t really any notes to go with this one. Well, “bubble gum pink” is a compound adjective and should be hyphenated, i.e. bubble-gum-pink, but that’s about it. I’d have to see a later chapter to see if there a stronger tension-inducing story here. The writing through the rest of the chapter was equally good, but I never really knew what the story was about.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Darla]

This sounds like it could be a fun read, but there was nothing here to really suck me into the story. The voice was entertaining, but I hoped at least a hint of it before the end of the page.

[hope101]

I said I would turn, because I enjoyed the voice and the humor, but I'd definitely want more than banter by the second page. No way would I read 37 without the sense of something in peril.

I know I quote Jennifer Crusie a lot, but this principle of hers makes sense to me: begin the story five minutes before, during, or five minutes after the inciting incident. (And that's defined as the moment a character's life tips from stable to unstable.)

Find your II and go from there. If you combine this voice with a story question and stakes I care about, I think you'd do very well.

[Trip Volpe]

Definitely nice, clean writing, but a lot of possibly interesting details seem to be absent. Not just the dream, either! Kestrin is apparently dressed in something that exposes his calves and that he thinks makes him look gay, but we're never told what. Shorts? A kilt? A skirt?? Where does the glitter come in, and what kind of party is he going to where a wig might be expected?

Holding back some of the detail here might pique some interest, but in this case there's not even enough to get a concrete sense of what's going on, and for me that forces a sort of distance from the scene. Although I'm _wondering_, I'm not _involved_ yet.

Get more of the detail on the first page, along with some hint of what the possible consequences are for Kestrin (whatever the tone is, we need some tension to keep the pages turning!), and I think you'll have something much more "grabbing."

[C.L.]

I like this type of genre, but I didn't get a good sense of place or character. There wasn't anything there, except for the reference to the dream and needing to relax that made me want to know more.

Perhaps starting with that line of thought would set the scene a bit better.

[Tony DiMeo]

Not my usual genre, but I really liked the voice. What was missing for me is lack of any tangible conflict. Outside of a disagreement between Kestrin and Michelle over makeup application, there was no oomph. No spark that made me want to continue on.

It's like when you're channel surfing and you skim over program after blah program until something catches and holds your attention. Nothing grabbed me here and made me want to toss the remote aside.

Elise, you have a clean, clear voice that shines through in your writing. Light that spark and you'll really have something.

[Lori]

I thought the dialogue was very good, and I assume that we'd get to know the characters pretty well. I was very curious about what Kestrin was wearing. I assume (hope) we'd find out what, exactly, in the next few pages. I did like this piece and I turned the page.

[Chris]

The writing is solid. The prose flows and there are no technical issues. We stay in close perspective with a single character. The dialogue (both inner and exterior) is engaging and gives insight into the characters without losing a sense of realism.

But I had to vote "No". The scene is amusing, but there's nothing that pulls me in. I'm not interested in some guy getting dressed up for an upcoming party or whatever "fun" he's looking forward to. Part of it may be it's likely not my choice of genre (I'm guessing YA and/or romance), but even then, there are bigger things lacking: What's at stake? Where's the drama? The only conflict seems to be over costume and cosmetics. Not enough for me. And a vague mention of some recurring dream doesn't make me care enough about the characters to turn the page.

But a few tweaks and this could be a very engrossing piece. Again, the writing is there -- just ratchet up the stakes a bit and I'll eagerly turn the page.

[Kathy]

I think you're brave to put any mention of gay or straight on the first page. And especially a derogatory comment about "looking gay." Guts!

I echo what all the people say: good technique, needs something a bit more intriguing to begin with.

Keep working, and you'll get there!