Flogometer for Donna--would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

By the way. . .The critiques I do here on FtQ are “one-pass” critiques—one reading of the sample, and then thoughts and notes. For actual editing, it’s at least two readings and a much deeper analysis and annotation.

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Donna sent a tiny prologue and the first chapter. Here are the first 16 lines of the combined pieces:

Prologue

Sunlight found a nearly imperceptible slit in the tightly drawn sheath of the dark drapes and came to rest on Withers’ open eyes. With great effort, he turned his back to the window and stared into the blackness that receded into the room.

“Shit,” he said aloud, “I’m still alive.”

Chapter 1

Dottie Lee Davis bolted through the door, shot across the platform and up two flights of narrow concrete stairs as if ejected by a blast from the subway’s air brakes. Her breath was an asthmatic wheeze by the time she reached the street. Slowing to a trot, she cursed the fifty extra pounds she carried and everyone back home who had taught her how to cook, and even better how to love, the meals that put them there. As a nurse she knew better, but as a girl raised in the south, she could never resist the taste of home.

By the time she reached Park Avenue, her eyes were tearing from the cold, making it hard to read the house numbers. “Five-eighty, five-eighty,” she repeated, hoping time had stopped long enough to keep her from being late. She passed the building twice before realizing it. How could she have missed it? It was the only single residence amongst the posh aeries for the rich and famous. The entrance was arrogantly placed at the intersection of Park Avenue and 64th street as if to claim both desirable streets as its own impressive address. The building was an (snip)

Didn’t hook me
The voice is nice, and the tiny prologue moved me to the first page of the chapter, but there the tension ended. The story question in the prologue was a good one—why is this man unhappy that he’s alive? But then we leave him for a nurse who is late for work, and a trudge of description of a building slowed pace to a halt—the description of the building went on for another seven lines. While it all served to characterize the environment, it did little to create a story. Notes:

Prologue

Sunlight found a nearly imperceptible slit in the tightly drawn sheath of the dark drapes and came to rest on Withers’ open eyes. With great effort, he turned his back to the window and stared into the blackness that receded into the room. (Too many adverbs for me, and a bit overwritten for my taste, including how the “blackness recedes” into the room. How does blackness recede?)

“Shit,” he said aloud, “I’m still alive.” (I thought this was a terrific line. Made me want more. For my money, if this is to be a major character in the story, I’d like to have stayed with him a little longer if there are strong story elements that could come out.)

Chapter 1

Dottie Lee Davis bolted through the door, shot across the platform and up two flights of narrow concrete stairs as if ejected by a blast from the subway’s air brakes. Her breath was an asthmatic wheeze by the time she reached the street. Slowing to a trot, she cursed the fifty extra pounds she carried and everyone back home who had taught her how to cook, and even better how to love, the meals that put them there. As a nurse she knew better, but as a girl raised in the South south, she could never resist the taste of home. (I love food to well, and wasn’t taught to do so. That phrase seemed superfluous.)

By the time she reached Park Avenue, her eyes were tearing from the cold, making it hard to read the house numbers. “Five-eighty, five-eighty,” she repeated, hoping time had stopped long enough to keep her from being late. She passed the building twice before realizing it. How could she have missed it? It was the only single residence amongst the posh aeries for the rich and famous. The entrance was arrogantly placed at the intersection of Park Avenue and 64th street as if to claim both desirable streets as its own impressive address. The building was an (snip) You had me through time stopping long enough to keep her from being late. Nicely done, the voice is appealing. But then we get into description of the building exterior, which goes on and on -- you let us know how rich the place once she's inside, and I think that many readers will associate "Park Avenue" with wealth, if only from their Monopoly game. Now is the time to let the reader know what the stakes are, what the consequences are if she is late. Hopefully, it’s something very serious. We kinda like a person who is overweight and regrets it—so far, so good—but what’s the story about? What does she NEED to happen that could be destroyed by being late? Hook us with story at this point.

In the rest of the chapter, Donna, I found similar mixes of good stuff with too-much-stuff. And it ended without me having any idea of what this story was about.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Christine H]

I really liked this one! I get the whole "how to cook, even better how to love, the meals" because, as a wife/mom, I cook all the time, but most of the time it's not food I personally enjoy. My mom learned how to cook a certain way to please my dad (who is from another country), but it wasn't what she liked either.

I didn't like the prologue - it seemed like a false start. I think you should pick one scene or the other. I would definitely read more of this book - I was hooked by the characterizations, the setting, the snappiness of the prose.

[Doug]

I didn't turn the page, and there was basically one reason: I was set up for one story by the prologue, but was presented with a different story.

The writing has a definite style, although it's one that's heavy on description and low on action. In the non-prologue part of the first page, Dottie gets off the subway and finds 580 Park Avenue. That's all that happens. This lack of action is highlighted by the first page being entirely narrative, except for people muttering to themselves and a bit of internal monologue.

Many people will like that style, but it's not really my personal cup of tea. So I'm probably not your target audience.

The description is done well; I especially liked the simile using the subway's air brakes to indirectly tell me she was getting off the subway.

Ten lines of description of the building (three on the first page and seven following) doesn't seem appropriate at this point. We're clearly in Dottie's point of view, and Dottie isn't going to stop and appraise the building in detail. Or at least I assume not, since she's in one heck of a hurry.

To pick on a word choice (I love to do that): "aerie" when applied to a house usually refers to one perched atop a hill. I don't know beans about Manhattan, but my guess is that those aren't hilltop homes.

It's good to see writing from someone who knows how to spell and to construct sentences in English.

Oh, and ditto to Ray's comments.

[Christine H]

Ray and Doug ~ I tend to like the more descriptive stories. Rosamund Pilcher is one of my favorite authors, and this reminds me a bit of her style. So I suppose I'm kind of the "anti-flogger" here.

[von]

Yes, I think this is a style issue. I like the hint from the prolouge, and then the step back of the first page.

[Chris]

In general, I don't care for prologues. Just give me the story -- don't try to tease me with a "just wait, there's something good coming later" snippet that's left floundering about in my memory until some future chapter may or may not finally net it. This short prologue seems especially disconnected, and I'd suggest either beginning in the dark room and telling your story from there, or cut it completely and build to it with other compelling scenes.

The starting scene MIGHT be compelling, but as Ray points out, falls short due to one key ommission: We don't know the stakes. Dottie's rushing, but why? What's important? What's at stake? Just inserting in an inner thought that connects us to what's at risk could do a lot for this scene.

The writing is very good, although I do have some quibbles about a few things. For example, the long, "slowing to a trot, she cursed..." sentence is just too jumbled for me -- we've got the subjects 'she', 'pounds', 'everyone', and 'meals' all vying for attention. And the antecedent of the pronoun "them" is "everybody", confusing the proper link to "pounds". And, as others have said, there's a little too much descriptive hooptedoodle for my taste.

But in general, I'd say this has a very strong core, and just a few tweaks are needed to ratchet it up to a real page-turner.

[Christine H]

I just want to clarify my earlier comment about the food thing. (This is what I get for replying off the cuff, without thinking my comments through first.)

I agree that the sentence about "loving/cooking the meals that put them there" is clumsy and could be better constructed. However, I like the image it conjures up for me of someone who not only loves country fried chicken with a passion, but can whip up a batch whenever she feels like it - a double whammy in the weight department.

I assumed from this scene that she is a chef who is late for an appointment in one of these rich houses. If so, that should probably be spelled out more clearly.

I still really like it, though, Donna.

[C.L.]

I found this compelling enough to turn the page. There were certain key details that did it for me. For a woman who is carrying fifty extra pounds to be running down city streets, something is definitely up. That she was praying for time to stand still and her not to be late had me asking what was so important she would push her body like that? Also, the fact she passed the building twice was something that showed her emotional state really well for me.

The prologue here whetted my appetite for the rest of the story. How Dottie's rushing and the man's still be alive related to each other created enough narrative tension for me to want to go on.

[Lori]

I really like the writing here, it seems effortless and not at all "worked". "Slowing to a trot" though stopped me cold because it seems so cliche or lazy or far too dramatic in an odd way. I also think the prologue is odd because it's so short, and also because I need some thread of similarity between the prologue and the main text. Same character? At least the same sex? HOw about if Dottie sees the same drapes that are described in the prologue? That would create immediate suspense for me and make it more fluid ...