Flogometer for Dan—would you turn the page?

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Would you like to read the rest of the chapters that are flogged here? While it would be extra time and work on my end, I could set up a page with the rest of the chapter on it and link to it. If the writer was willing (and not all will be, I suspect), would you like to have that option? I’d want to make it worthwhile for the writer and me, i.e., see more helpful comments generated. Please let me know here.

---

Dan’s first 16 lines:

Michael Norton shivered in the rain and adjusted the collar of his jacket. Pioneer Square stood nearly empty. A few stragglers hurried toward the stadium. Mariners versus Orioles, he heard one fan say. Norton wasn’t sure he would recognize Chekhov. The memory of a brief encounter in a dark bar didn’t help. That time Chekhov wore a baseball cap and sunglasses. For security, he explained. Norton recalled enormous hands and a thick accent.

Norton saw activity on the other side of the street and went on alert. Two men in trench coats fanned out and crossed toward him. One of them lifted his collar and appeared to speak into it. Norton spun and saw two figures closing in from behind him. They made four corners of a square with him in the middle.

“FBI, Norton. Stop.”

He dug in his pocket for the thumb drive and sprinted left, seeking open space. There was a storm drain just ahead. What could they do if they caught him with no evidence? The foot-race ended after twenty yards with a bone jarring tackle from behind. Norton felt the air leave his lungs with a groan of pain as the weight of his pursuer drove him down on the pavement. His desperate toss sent the thumb drive ahead into the darkness toward the iron grating. The piece of plastic made scuttling, crab-like sounds as it bounded off the cobblestones. Then the desperate (snip)

Almost

A good start that raised story questions and the use of an immediate scene were on the way to taking me along with the story, but the last paragraph showed signs of overwriting, the bane of a good, crisp read. For example, on a later page, when the character is put into a car, he hears “seatbelts clicking, gears shifting and the surge of the engine before as the car accelerated and pushed him into the seat.” Since information like that is hardly key to the story, it gets in the way. Notes:

Michael Norton shivered in the rain and adjusted the collar of his jacket. Pioneer Square stood nearly empty. A few stragglers hurried toward the stadium. Mariners versus Orioles, he heard one fan say. Norton wasn’t sure he would recognize Chekhov. The memory of a brief encounter in a dark bar didn’t help. That time Chekhov wore had worn a baseball cap and sunglasses. For security, he explained. Norton recalled enormous hands and a thick accent. (So far, so good.)

Norton saw activity on the other side of the street and went on alert. Two men in trench coats fanned out and crossed toward him. One of them lifted his collar and appeared to speak into it. Norton spun and saw two figures closing in from behind him. They made four corners of a square with him in the middle. (“saw activity” is totally vague and useless as description. The reader is here for the character’s experience, and he didn’t see “activity”—he saw something specific that alerted him. So why not give us what he saw? And why the hedge on “appeared to speak” into the collar? If Norton saw the guy’s lips moving, then he was speaking. Otherwise, good action here.)

“FBI, Norton. Stop.”

He dug in his pocket for the thumb drive and sprinted left, seeking open space. There was a storm drain just ahead. What could they do if they caught him with no evidence? The foot-race ended after twenty yards with a bone-jarring tackle from behind. Norton felt the air leave his lungs with a groan of pain as the weight of his pursuer drove him down on the pavement. His desperate toss sent the thumb drive ahead into the darkness toward the iron grating. The piece of plastic It made scuttling, crab-like sounds as it bounded off the cobblestones. Then the desperate (snip) (This may seem contradictory, since I was just touting giving us the character’s experience and now I’ve cut out part of that, but there are parts of the experience that don’t need to be detailed. “bone-jarring” gave us the idea of the impact, and thus the pain, of the tackle. The complicated sentence describing air leaving lungs, etc. was, for me, much more than I needed to know and slowed the story. Next, I’m not sure I believe his hearing “scuttling, crab-like sounds” from the thumb drive. I have one sitting in front of me, and it’s a tiny, lightweight thing, primarily plastic. I doubt the sounds it would make, especially after it was a few feet away, would be all that audible, considering that there are also the sounds of three men pursuing him and one on top of him. Lastly, there’s the repetition of “desperate,” something the writer should have caught on the first page.)

There’s good story in your pages, Dan, but more spots of overwriting were like puddles of quicksand dragging the story down. Keep it crisp and clean and you’ve got something.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Your donations help cover the cost of hosting FtQ. Just click the button to chip in.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

All day and nobody's commented? I guess I'll jump in.

For me, the first paragraph could be spread out over later parts of the first chapter. It's just delaying getting to the action, which starts with the second sentence of the second paragraph.

There's really not all that much action on this page. What makes that so apparent is that Michael doesn't seem to have any feelings. Is he apprehensive in the beginning, or is he looking forward to meeting Chekhov? Isn't he alarmed when he spots the FBI agents? Is he surprised to find two more agents behind him or did he expect that? How concerned or frightened is he when he bolts, and when the agents catch him so quickly?

The "distance" of the point of view seemed to me to be wandering aimlessly, starting very remote, quickly moving in during the first paragraph, then jumping back to a remote view for the second and subsequent paragraphs. The sentence "What could they do if they caught him with no evidence?" was from a very close point of view, and a bit jarring from the otherwise remote viewpoint.

I'd suggest putting us inside Michael, rather than having us observe from outside. Don't just tell us what's going on around Michael, let us know what Michael sees, hears, feels, smells, (as appropriate) and what he thinks and feels about it. Give us Michael's senses and reactions, rather than a cinematic viewpoint. The latter part of the first paragraph had that, but as soon as the action started the text became more screenplay than novel.

To pick on a specific word: I don't think that two people can "fan out". They probably separated.

[Lexi Revellian]

What struck me with the first two paragraphs is that all the sentences are much the same length. This makes for monotony and lack of readability.

I use Autocrit to catch word echoes, but it also has a feature to demonstrate sentence length variety. Get it right, and you will see a lovely wavy pattern.

[Marcel]

I liked the set-up.

Starting when the protag noticed the four agents and ending with him being tackled happened too fast. There's an opportunity to build tension here. Have him jump over bushes, disturb pigeons eating crumbs, run through a playground, whatever, something. Use details from Pioneer Square as I'm sure most of your audience won't have a clue what it looks like. And what Doug said. Make us feel the protag's emotions.

Good luck.

[Dan Smith]

Thanks to Ray and all FTQ participants. The crowd is tough to impress, which is as it should be.

[Elz Wester]

Hi Ray, I find your site very usefull and enjoyable and have read about ten flogs and in all of them I thought you improved the story - but not this one. ha ha. I actually found the more expressive takle more interesting more.
but as they say on the cover of books praise for Ray, I am an aspiring writer and thank you for the lessons you've taught me.
And for free.

[Ray Rhamey]

Well, Elz, that's the subjective difference that makes this business so difficult at times. As you can see by the votes, this was a close call. That's just the way it is. My blog is about improving those odds.