Flogometer for Anne—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Anne’s first 16 lines (prologue):

“Would you forgive me if I’d done something terrible?”

Nora was accustomed to nonsense. It was a natural occurrence in her line of work, along with babbling, gibber, crying and the occasional all out screaming. This however, she had to admit was a bit puzzling. Unconcerned, she looked down once again to reread the piece of paper in her hands, which looked to have been ripped out of a notebook. She turned it over. There was writing on the backside as well:

“I didn’t know what you wanted. Please finish my story.”

She shrugged and lowered her chubby hands to toss the note on the table.

“What is that, Nora?”

Nora looked up at the words and her gaze fell upon her younger and much thinner companion, who up until now she had been steadily ignoring. They had met before, apparently, although Nora wouldn’t have been able to say when. She was one of the new nurses that Nora found altogether irritating, a peppy little thing with a trendy name that she would never be able to keep straight- Brenda? Brandy? It didn’t really matter, she wouldn’t notice. The new girls were all the same: endlessly cheerful, full of enthusiasm and so flighty that Nora found it a miracle they had made it through nursing school at all.

I wasn’t hooked by this

Despite some good things and a hint of mystery about the words on the paper, there’s not much tension otherwise. I wasn’t engaged by this character, who seems to be a negative person. Since she doesn’t care about the note, I didn’t either. I also wished the scene had been set—I didn’t know where I was, and the indirect hints about who Nora is didn’t give me enough to go on. Notes:

“Would you forgive me if I’d done something terrible?” (Strong opening line, raises questions right away.)

Nora was accustomed to nonsense. It was a natural occurrence in her line of work, along with babbling, gibber, crying and the occasional all-out screaming. This, however, she had to admit was a bit puzzling. Unconcerned, she looked down once again to reread tThe piece of paper in her hands, which looked to have been ripped out of a notebook. She turned it over. There was writing on the backside as well: (There’s both too much and too little here. Since we aren’t told what her line of work is, the babbling etc. don’t mean much. She’s a nurse. Why not just include that directly, i.e. something such as … a natural occurrence in nursing people who’d lost their grip on reality. There’s some overwriting, too, which I’ve cut—“in her hands” is an example of detail that isn’t necessary. The reader will assume that the paper is in her hands if she’s reading it. The “Unconcerned” took me out of the story because I wondered why there would be cause for concern.)

“I didn’t know what you wanted. Please finish my story.”

She shrugged and lowered her chubby hands to toss the note on the table. (Here we step out of her point of view to a more omniscient one—in close third person, she would not be thinking of her hands as “chubby.” Since she doesn’t actually toss the note on the table, wherever the table is, then this sentence isn’t really needed, IMO. And “lowered her chubby hands” is a bit of overwriting.)

“What is that, Nora?”

Nora looked up at the words and her gaze fell upon her younger and much thinner companion, who up until now she had been steadily ignoring. They had met before, apparently, although Nora wouldn’t have been able to couldn't say when. She was one of the new nurses that Nora found altogether irritating, a peppy little thing with a trendy name that she would never be able to keep straight- Brenda? Brandy? It didn’t really matter, she wouldn’t notice. The new girls were all the same: endlessly cheerful, full of enthusiasm and so flighty that Nora found it a miracle they had made it through nursing school at all. (While this does contribute to characterization, this long bit of attitude from this grumpy person slowed the narrative for me. The sentence “It didn’t really matter, she wouldn’t notice.” was unclear for a couple of reasons—the antecedent for the pronoun was vague, and what was it that she wouldn’t notice? That’s unsaid. If the story is about this not very pleasant person, with no compelling story questions to lure me onward, I just wasn’t interested in more.)

Prologues can work, but only if they are a compelling scene. Otherwise, as this one seems to be, they can be "throat-clearing." If the story is about the girl who wrote the note, let’s get to her—she sounds interesting.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

I'd have turned the page, but I don't know if I'd make it to page 3. Nora doesn't seem to be someone whom I want to spend much time with. My impression is that she's somewhat unpleasant and quite passive.

The opening line is very strong, but it needs to be followed up in a strong scene. The internal thoughts of an indifferent character, especially the thoughts unrelated to the paper, just get in the way.

[Christine H]

I agree with Ray, but I did like the voice. Definitely we need to know what line of work she is in. I assumed that she worked in a mental hospital, and that the note had been left by a patient, but then I would think she'd be very concerned about what the person had done.

Then I thought maybe she was a teacher, as in she was grading an assignment, because of the "I didn't know what you wanted" bit.

Basically, a strong opening line but I was disappointed not to find anything to support it.

[Mary]

One of the reasons prologues don't work (aside from being "throat clearing") is that they're often used to hook readers with a detail that doesn't happen until late in the story.

Essentially the author wants to take the reader on a detour(see Rays anology about kittens) and in attempt to keep the reader on the boat through the detour offers a morsel.

But doing this takes up a great deal of time and interferes with learning the hardest skill of all- don't hold back from your readers. All those little tid bits that that you (you refers to every writer) keeping pushing back, and back, and back because you want to surprise readers, should come sooner. Much sooner.

I used to write prologues- everyone one of them was for my first novel. I spent a lot of time writing prologues. None of them could compensate for the flaws in my manuscript-flas I couldn't see because I wasn't working on it (but also hadn't written enough to know they were flaws). I was writing prologues.

At some point I read a tip:

"Don't write a prologue unless you're asked to."

This is great advice because, when you query, you query with chapter one, not the prologue. When agents request a sample (usually 50 pages)you send 50 pages, which do not include the prologue.

If you write a prologue the first time the agent will see it, is when you send the whole manuscript.

Even though the prologue is the first part of the book (when it's accepted), its often the last thing finished, because often for a prologue to be effective, you have to know the ending (which can change drastically with each draft.)

And finally, even though there are thousands of books with prologues, the number without them are far greater.

Besides what Ray has said, my suggestion (and what this all amounts to) is don't focus too much on the prologue.

It's the fastest way to get nowhere.

[von]

I disagree here, but perhaps that is because I like slower, mystery, openings... where we get something and then nothing for a while. I like the tension of having to wonder about the note for a while.

It helps I am a nurse myself, and get the cynicism thing.

I like the original better than most of Rays changes, altho some are just details.

I turned it. Or I would have, if it was really there. Frustrating thing about this :)

[Marcel]

I liked the opening line and there was a nice voice in the second paragraph (although I found the paragraph wordy too). For me, it was downhill from there. There's a ton of intrigue in this letter, and the character goes off on other nurses. It didn't build tension because her detour to the nurses didn't link in any way to the letter. If she'd have had monologue about who this person could be and why she was reaching out to her, then that would have built tension. It would have given the opening line justice.

BTW, there is nothing wrong with prologues. They can be done well and often are. One person's negative experience with them does not make prologues wrong or unnecessary. The story will dictate whether you need one or not.

Good luck with this. There's definitely something here to work with.