Flogometer for M.Z.—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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M.Z.’s first 16 lines:

The throbbing in Dristan’s head worsened -- a hammering sensation, like a small beast pounding against the inner lining of his cranium. Gripping his head with one hand, he tried to will the pain away. This was not the time to be burdened by a headache.

Around him, the sun-baked marketplace of Saladore burgeoned with streams of people. Traders bellowed their best prices and hawkers jostled each other for attention. The scent of sweat, leather and polished metal thickened the air.

Dristan stood well to the side of the pulsating crowd, his gaze flitting between a stall bedecked with gilded vases, and an abandoned alleyway to his left. A familiar jittery pang assailed his insides. He did his best to ignore it.

The merchant next to him sold cheesed sausages sizzling in a pan of oil. The delicious aroma made Dristan’s taste buds shiver with desire. So many distractions to throw me off my path. He was entrusted with a task and he’d be damned if some cumbersome headache and an empty stomach foiled its completion.

Then Dristan saw him. The jitteriness escalated.

A short, fat man waddled down the street, his bald head bobbing through the crowd. He turned right, into the deserted alleyway. It was just as predicted. The man’s every action (snip)

Came close

There’s definite skill here, and a richly described scene . . . but there’s throat-clearing, too, and a lack of tension for this reader. Plus some overwriting, and a few too many adjectives for my taste—they can slow pace if overdone. In the three pages that were sent, the headache doesn’t seem to matter, so why include it? The jitteriness does go to the character’s tension, but we don’t have a clue as to why. What are the consequences if he fails in this unspecified task? What are the stakes? And why not tell us what the task is in some way? On later pages Dristan follows the fat guy and puts a knife to his throat. I still didn’t learn why, but that was a lot more likely to induce page turning. Some notes, and then an alternate opening taken from the pages sent:

The throbbing in Dristan’s head worsened -- a hammering sensation, like a small beast pounding against the inner lining of his cranium. Gripping his head with one hand, h He tried to will the pain away. This was not the time to be burdened by a headache. (I know that the writer is seeing Dristan grip his head, but this was a touch of overwriting, an unnecessary detail. As mentioned before, the headache doesn’t seem to play a part in the story, so why have it here?)

Around him, the sun-baked marketplace of Saladore burgeoned with streams of people. Traders bellowed their best prices and hawkers jostled each other for attention. The scent of sweat, leather and polished metal thickened the air. (This sets the scene, but would be more effective if, rather than a snapshot, it came from within and was colored by his point of view. Check out “experiential description” in my book.)

Dristan stood well to the side of the pulsating crowd, his gaze flitting between a stall bedecked with gilded vases and an abandoned alleyway to his left. A familiar jittery pang assailed his insides. He did his best to ignore it. (I think “pulsed” would have been a better verb than “burgeoned” in the previous paragraph, and doesn’t help a lot here. Also, how can an alley be “abandoned?” Abandoned to what? Didn’t make sense to me. What is an occupied alley?)

The merchant next to him sold cheesed sausages sizzling in a pan of oil. The delicious aroma made Dristan’s taste buds shiver with desire. So many distractions to throw me off my path. He was entrusted with a task and he’d be damned if some cumbersome headache and an empty stomach foiled its completion. (“a task” is too general to have any meaning or impact for the reader. This is a missed chance to set stakes, to hook the reader with a specific—for example, if we knew he was entrusted with kidnapping the fat man, wouldn’t it increase interest? As for the sausage, it does characterize a little, but hardly seems germane to the action and slows the pace.)

Then Dristan saw him. The jitteriness escalated.

A short, fat man waddled down the street, his bald head bobbing through the crowd. He turned right, into the deserted alleyway. It was just as predicted. The man’s every action (snip)

Now, edited a little to streamline it, what if this were the opening page? M.Z., compare this with your original to see the edits I’ve made to quicken the pace.

A short, fat man waddled down the street, his bald head bobbing through the crowd. He turned into the deserted alleyway, just as predicted. Dristan cut across the noisy street market and entered the alleyway, keeping distance between him and his quarry.

The shadowed alley, littered with broken wooden crates and barrels, ran between tall concrete buildings. The soft leather soles of Dristan’s boots conceded little sound as he padded in the trail of his prey. Each step the man took, Dristan matched. He pulled out a black velvet mask and fastened it securely, obscuring the top half of his face, and drew the hood of his cloak.

The small red tin can came into view. He had filled it with water to prevent it being blown away and placed to serve as a cue for the next step. Red was a color eye-catching enough for Dristan, but its size would be ignored by anyone else. Just a few more feet, and Dristan would make his move. He slid his hand into his pocket. His sweaty fingers clasped the rusty dirk.

The man stepped in line with the tin.

Dristan lunged forward, wrapped his arm around the man’s torso while he removed the dirk from his pocket and pressed it lightly against his captive’s throat. He drew his mouth (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

I thought that both worked, although I like Ray's a bit better. M.Z.'s original relies on suspense, Ray's relies on action, and either way is fine with me. I'd rather the suspense not be based so much on windowpane description, though.

The biggest problem I had was the original first line. At first I thought it was going to be an advertisement for Dristan sinus headache medicine. That's an unfortunate choice of name for the character, and to start off with him having a headache was a miscalculation (in my opinion).

I'm not sure how taste buds shiver.

A pang is a brief sensation, but the "jittery pang" apparently continued.

[Lexi Revellian]

I had problems with the first sentence, as I paused to wonder whether the small beast was equipped with a tiny hammer...

I liked Ray's version.

[Q of D]

The second version (Ray's) did nothing for me. It's just a long list of action after action. The original had much more depth.

I think this is a writer with a strong voice and I hope he/she does not allow an editor to hack their work to bits when a simple clean up is all that should be done.

I would definitely reduce the -ing words in the first paragraph. I counted five in the first two sentences. But that's an easy fix.

I think the suggested revision of putting the fat man up front in the first sentence weakens the opening.

Unfortunately I have to agree with the Dristan/headache/sinus connection. Not the image the author likely wanted to project.

I would have turned the page as originally written. Good work, MZ!

[Christine H]

I agree with Q of D about the second version.

I didn't vote to turn on the first version, either, however. I don't know why, and I'm sorry I can't be more specific.

I think it reminded me of another market scene that was posted here a couple of months ago. It seemed a bit cliche'd - like Indiana Jones, even though I'm sure that there's an interesting story behind it.

Tell me first WHY Dristan is following the man. Is Dristan an assassin? If so, why should I care about him? Is the bald man some sort of terrorist whom he is trying to stop? What are the stakes here?

And why is his head hurting so much? Did he just get knocked on the head, and then struggle to his feet, determined to complete his mission? If so, that seems like a more interesting place to begin.

Just some ideas. I think you have the makings of a good story, it needs a little tweaking. In my humble, unpublished, opinion.

[Kami]

I liked the first version just fine. Only a couple of things threw me out. A pulsating crowd I normally associate with dancing. Um ...? I need to hear/feel the music before I can buy into that.
There are other word choices, like abandoned (which Ray also pointed out as well as pulsating) that made me wonder what the author was really trying to convey.

But I like the depth of the first version. I'm the kind of reader that needs lots of setting. I liked what Saladore implied (hopefully rightfully--again, be careful with words) as far as a kind of Spanish or possibly midde-eastern-ish or both kind of place. If it's a real place, well, hopefully it's a place like that because otherwise I'm a bit lost.

[Marcel]

I'm with Ray on this one. The first version did nothing for me (I had to force myself past the first sentence). The writing appeared guided by an amalgam of "how to" books. There is a plethora of "power" words in this opening, so many that, to me, it appeared this piece was more about prose (which was only so-so anyway), moreso than telling a story. Ray's example tells a story where the writing doesn't get in the way. And the first version, although peculiar in style, had a generic voice. Although Ray's example doesn't have much voice either, it's well-written (he sure knows how to write an action scene) and smooth. The chronology of events builds a tension the first one hid behind word choices.

If this is somehow adventure or thriller, Ray's version would give you a good building block to edit this opening.

Good luck. It sounds like a good beginning.

[disorderly]

I liked Ray's more quickly paced, action-oriented version, although I believe M.Z.'s original could be tightened and do quite well on suspense, if that's the direction M.Z. wants to go.

My bigger problem was the POV character's name. "Dristan" is an over-the-counter sinus medication, and try though I might, I could not get around that association. Unless the character is so named because he is beset by allergies, I wonder if spelling his moniker "Dristin" or "Dristen" or something similar might be an option.

[hope101]

I much prefer the second version, but I'd be okay with the first, if it was tightened.

If you think of the POV as camera lens, the first starts off in quite deep third, pulls back to distant third, goes deeper, pulls back, etc. That change in focus makes me as dizzy reading as when I watch TV and they pull this technique. (Can you tell I'm not a member of the MTV generation?) I'm okay if the voice starts omniscient, as long as it moves deeper consistently and quickly into action.

In particular, I can't see that the fourth paragraph adding anything we needed to know, other than he is hungry. That could easily be worked in as a possible cause of his headache in the first paragraph.