Flogometer for Mike—would you turn the page?

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90 writers! Saturday I do my “Crafting a Killer First Page” workshop at the Write on the Sound conference, and I have 90 people signed up. To put that in perspective, there are 3 other sessions in my time slot, and there are 210 people in total registered for the conference. This should be interesting.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Mike‘s first 16 lines:

Before the dark times, people -- not just the Freaks -- lived past age twenty two.

Imagine that, living thirty or forty years -- normal! It meant the millions of teenage adults that served CityUnited had been wrong about the Freaks, perhaps even cruel; there was nothing wrong with the council of adults who supervised their city.

Except now, now that Leela knew they hoarded this terrible truth from the world; covered it up with countless honor ceremonies for the Great Passing, making it seem like people didn't die these needless, unnatural deaths. Only twenty two years. She thought of CityUnited, wondered how much better her shining city could have been. Could be, still. Maybe it wasn't too late.

Maybe seven years might not be all she had left to live.

"Play it again."

Sitting next to her in the deserted office, Marillion blew a bubble and got her gum stuck in a strand of blond hair. "We've heard it ten times, Leela."

"I know, but we might pick up a few more of the garbled words." While their recording of the Freak's meeting was the only successful eavesdropping she knew of, patches of dialogue were lost when they smuggled it out through the security systems. "Besides, I'd (snip)

I turned this one

Despite some questions I have about technique, Mike’s story questions pulled me forward. The voice is good, and the writing pretty clean as well. But I think it could be tighter, and that more hook could be on the first page. Notes:

Before the dark times, people -- not just the Freaks -- lived past age twenty-two. (Even though very interesting, this still feels like info dump. Why not put it in the “voice” of the character? For example:Leela sat back on her heels. Imagine that! Before the dark times…etc. This way, we’re involved with a person and her experience right away. BTW, numbers such as “twenty-two” are hyphenated.)

Imagine that, living thirty or forty years -- normal! It meant the millions of teenage adults that served CityUnited had been wrong about the Freaks, perhaps even cruel; there was nothing wrong with the council of adults who supervised their city. (Continuing the thought, the opening sentence could be Living thirty or forty years was normal. A clarity issue here: we have “teenage adults” and then “adults.” Confusing. If the Freaks are the older people, then why not continue using that term? And “teenage adults” feels like an oxymoron. Why not stick with “teenagers” or “young adults” or “twenty-somethings?”)

Except now, now that Leela knew they hoarded this terrible truth from the world; covered it up with countless honor ceremonies for the Great Passing, making it seem like people didn't die these needless, unnatural deaths. Only twenty-two years. She thought of CityUnited, wondered how much better her shining city could be have been. Could be, still. Maybe it wasn't too late. (Would she really be thinking, at fifteen years old and hearing this tape, thinking about the greatness of her city? I don’t think so. She’d be thinking about what’s in the next paragraph. I’d trim much of this out.)

Maybe seven years might not be all she had left to live. (Good character hook here. You’ve give us some serious stakes, too.)

"Play it again."

Sitting next to her in the deserted office, Marillion blew a bubble and got her gum stuck in a strand of blond hair. "We've heard it ten times, Leela."

"I know, but we might pick up a few more of the garbled words." While their recording of the Freak's meeting was the only successful eavesdropping she knew of, patches of dialogue were lost when they smuggled it out through the security systems. "Besides, I'd (snip) (For me, this exposition about the reason the recording is garbled is a waste of time. It’s not necessary. I suggest you get to the most provocative part of the recording here, on the first page. For example, I’d like to see this piece from page two here, right after the first sentence of this paragraph: "Should we allow the human race to die instead?" said a man's voice. Now you’ve got a hook!)

Nice work, Mike, but I think you need to focus it more on the moment and weave in the information parts a little later.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kami]

I reread this sentence a couple of times and I still couldn't read it in such a way that it wasn't a double fragment:

Except now, now that Leela knew they hoarded this terrible truth from the world; covered it up with countless honor ceremonies for the Great Passing, making it seem like people didn't die these needless, unnatural deaths.

Other than that, this worked really well for me!

[kathy]

My first reaction was that it was a spin off of Logans Run. That stopped me from turning the page.

[Doug]

It's a good choice of opening scene, it just needs some TLC to be a great one.

Like Ray said, introduce Leela earlier and get us into her PoV right away, trim out things we don't need to know right now, and replace it with stuff that helps to set the hook.

I'd add to put some care into the English. For the latter, I'll echo Anne Mini: read what you've written, from hard copy, out loud. (She always puts that in all caps).

The sentence that Kami pointed out is particularly painful, and not just because it doesn't even make sense as a sentence. It has redundancies: "Except now, now" and "die... deaths" and (for me at least) confusion: the ceremonies made it seem like the people didn't die?

[bdub]

I turned the page because the story did draw me in, but I also thought of Logan's Run.

[Jessica]

I also thought of Logan's Run, but it was well written enough that I didn't care. I liked this and wanted more. I turned the page.

[Mike]

Thank you for your thoughts! Will absolutely go back and work on them.

I have to share - I've completed this manuscript, gone through 13 chapters of crits so far, and only about a week ago made the connection to Logan's Run. Not only that, the name of the book is "Sanctuary Revealed". (wasn't that the name of the place they were searching for?) Good God - talk about subconscious at work.

Well - the good news is that aside from the early death thing in the first chapter, it goes pretty far off LR - it's a fantasy novel with magic and other planets, etc.

I had to laugh at missing the link myself after writing in that world for so long!

Thank you again for your helpful comments.

[Jonathan Stephens]

Opening line...

"Back before things got all dark, we used to live past twenty two."

or

"We used to live past twenty two before the dark times showed up."

or something...but I agree...put it in their voice.

[FG]

I like Jonathon's first opening line. It's stronger.

[Maya]

I hear "Leela" and think "Futurama"... I kept expecting her to have one eye and purple hair.

[Marcel]

I voted no. It felt too info dumpish to me.

I like Jonathan's edit of the opening line (first option). That's a good hook. I'd lose the second and third paragraphs and the exposition in the last one (seems to me some of the important details could come out in a conversation). That should tightened this up and keep the reader in the now.

Good luck.