Flogometer for Mary—would you turn the page?

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Mary‘s first 16 lines:

If Kaia had known the world’s end was nearly upon her, she certainly would not have been caught cleaning the dishes. Doing so, however, allowed her to listen in on tidbits of conversation from the dining hall, scraps of information picked up over Mother Avia’s shrill complaints and the scrape of chairs from the charity cases as they came and went. That evening the topic of choice was concern over the explosive wildfires around the mountain’s base, inexplicable bursts of flame that would extinguish almost as quickly as they ignited.

Since sunset there had been a steady stream of prostrate patrons trekking their way to the shrine, extending offerings to God in the hopes of divine intervention for their seasonally dry fields, prodding Mother Avia to intervene with Him on their behalf. Kaia would have recommended a bucket of water as a better answer to prayer than waiting for Seres the Creator to part the heavens and throw in a helping hand.

Rapid steps propelled Mother Avia through the doorway like a scrawny bird coming in to roost. Spindly fingers pointed here and there as she delivered staccato orders to the others in the kitchen. The countertops are a disgrace. There’s a grease spill on the floor. Remember to pour the scraps into the bucket meant for the pigs. For heaven’s sake, Prias, take the bucket to the pigs. Her sharp gaze then slid toward Kaia’s cramped kitchen corner. Kaia quickly broke eye (snip)

Not for this reader

Good voice, some nice writing here, but other than the artificial-feeling hint at the world ending in the opening sentence, no tension. For the next few pages we see more of Kaia’s life in this place as she goes to bed. Not exactly a thrill a minute as exposition and backstory take place. In actuality, there’s interesting stuff waiting—a fire threatens to wipe out the shrine, and a mysterious man comes to take Kaia away to her father, who is a god of sorts, only he has been arrested. If you get rid of the throat-clearing, Mary, I think you could get much of that on the first page, at least enough to get the page turned. Notes:

If Kaia had known the world’s end was nearly upon her, she certainly would not have been caught cleaning the dishes. Doing so, however, allowed her to listen in on tidbits of conversation from the dining hall, scraps of information picked up over Mother Avia’s shrill complaints and the scrape of chairs from the charity cases as they came and went. That evening the topic of choice was concern over the explosive wildfires around the mountain’s base, inexplicable bursts of flame that would extinguish almost as quickly as they ignited. (As far as it goes, there are good hints at jeopardy here—but the danger is off-camera, and definitely not threatening the protagonist. Later, she is awakened from sleep to be rescued from advancing flames. I don’t even see why we need to have her go to sleep and be awakened to get to that point. We don’t need much of her current story if she’s going to a much different world for her adventure.)

Since sunset there had been a steady stream of prostrate patrons trekking their way to the shrine, extending offerings to God in the hopes of divine intervention for their seasonally dry fields, prodding Mother Avia to intervene with Him on their behalf. Kaia would have recommended a bucket of water as a better answer to prayer than waiting for Seres the Creator to part the heavens and throw in a helping hand. (How do prostrate patrons trek, them being face down on the ground? Nice snarkiness in the bucket of water, and Seres the Creator, it turns out, is her father. But tension is ebbing. You could have slipped the parentage in here to add a story question by just adding a dash and something like –her father would never do that.)

Rapid steps propelled Mother Avia through the doorway like a scrawny bird coming in to roost. Spindly fingers pointed here and there as she delivered staccato orders to the others in the kitchen. The countertops are a disgrace. There’s a grease spill on the floor. Remember to pour the scraps into the bucket meant for the pigs. For heaven’s sake, Prias, take the bucket to the pigs. Her sharp gaze then slid toward Kaia’s cramped kitchen corner. Kaia quickly broke eye (snip) (The story ground to a halt here for me. While this tells us of Kaia’s life, it’s the boring side of her life, and there are no story questions raised regarding what’s going to happen to her to move me on. Also, in skimming, I was confused by the quoteless quotes in this paragraph. If it were to be retained, and I don’t think it should, especially if Mother Avia is not a significant character we will be revisiting, I suggest adding the quotation marks.)

Nice writing, and the promise of an original, interesting story. But the end of the chapter hasn’t gotten us out of this environment and on to the actual story. As the old commercial said, “Where’s the beef?” Keep at it, Mary, and trim this down to the exciting, mysterious stuff.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jodi]

I thought it was interesting--good voice, neat opening line--up to the third paragraph. There was very little transition between the second and third paragraphs and that really interrupted the flow. And then the difference between the first two paragraphs and the third was also large enough to be off-putting.

Jodi

[Marcel]

I voted no.

For me, Ray nailed it on the head. The writing and voice are good. Don't overdose the reader with background so early on. Sprinkle it in at the start.

Good luck. From what Ray has said about the rest of the chapter, it sounds like a fun read.

[Christine H]

I really like the setting and the characters, and the background. I think, however, that you have a false start with the sentence about the end of the world. You either have to focus on that and keep it at the forefront, or don't mention it yet and let things slowly build.

I like the slowly building idea. I love your voice. I love where the Mother Superior comes in and starts making criticisms. However, you need to include more tension, as Kaia seems completely passive. Can she be really nervous about Mother Avia coming in, and therefore only half-listening to the conversation as she scrapes plates? Or perhaps she's been so engrossed in the conversation that she's falling behind, and the Mother scolds her?

Pick one major point to make, and focus on that for the introductory scene.

Good writing. I'm intrigued! I would love to read more.

[Mary]

Thanks for the comments, guys. Very useful. Like I told Ray when I sent it to him, I'd gone back and stared at the thing so much that I had lost perspective, so I'm grateful for the critique. =)

The point with the first sentence was to be a bit of a jolt when paired up with the normalcy at the beginning, but it didn't go over quite as planned and I was pretty sure I was making a mistake by not resolving it at the end of chapter one.

I also was iffy on putting in Avia's speech without quotations. It was supposed to have a "blahblahblah" effect. =)

But this helped me figure something out: "If I think something is wrong with it, then there's something wrong with it." Sounds so basic, but very valuable.

Thanks again!

[hope101]

Mary, I'm coming late to this, but just wanted to say that I enjoy your voice, the characterization and the setting. What might help you is to remember that story is always about conflict. MC wants something, is opposed, and must struggle to reach their goal. If you can nail that, have a sense of it infuse all the paragraphs, you'd have me.

Also, the problem with your first two sentences is that they're omniscient (and examples of telling), and you're obviously capable of deep third.

Hope you keep on with this.