Flogometer for Lori—would you turn the page?

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Guest post up on Writer Unboxed My monthly post on Writer Unboxed is up. It’s about writing “in the now.”

Good thread on Nathan Bransford’s blog Agent Nathan Bransford is running a “first paragraph” contest. The contest has closed, but it’s worth reading the comments on his post that asks readers what they want in a first paragraph.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Lori’s first 16 lines:

The heat simmered on the balcony over the Via Margutta as if it was staging Dante’s Inferno. Hermina Jorgensen tossed the June issue of Artista Ufficiale – which she thought particularly lackluster – at the foot of her chaise. She wiped a bead of sweat from an eyebrow, tipped a glass of wine back to her lips.

She’d been warned about the heat. Years ago, at a new employee reception overflowing with passed platters of pungent cheeses, a fraternity of Rome Times editors had pulled her aside. “Bella donna dalla Finlandia, you must surrender to the heat,” they’d said, their eyes piercing into hers. “Coping with the sun is like tiptoeing past a drunken slave master. Travel the streets only when necessary, divert your eyes.” Abandoning glasses of Sangiovese half full, they walked out into the night. “And watch behind you,” whispered one as he brushed past her.

She was younger then, naïve: they were not referring to the heat of the sun. With blinders on, she entered Dante’s world.

Four years later, the parallels between Dante’s world and hers were unmistakable. In the cast iron cage of stifling heat that seemed to dangle more precariously at times, she unleashed him, letting him run riotously through her head to chase her demons and exorcise his ghost. It had been awhile – college? – since she’d read the tome. Dante, slashing through life’s (snip)

If the idea here is to compel me to turn the page—and it is—this one lacked the muscle. For this reader, there was little tension in someone being hot and reflecting on Dante. Not only does not much happen, nothing that happens makes me want to know what happens next. The narrative that followed was much the same—we dip into backstory, exposition about her professional career and an apparently broken relationship, and reflection. I ended the chapter not knowing what the story was about. Notes:

The heat simmered on the balcony over the Via Margutta as if it was staging Dante’s Inferno. Hermina Jorgensen tossed the June issue of Artista Ufficiale – which she thought particularly lackluster – at the foot of her chaise. She wiped a bead of sweat from an eyebrow, tipped a glass of wine back to her lips. (Your opening paragraph is an opportunity to begin raising story questions that create tension in the reader, and this one doesn’t take advantage of it.)

She’d been warned about the heat. Years ago, at a new employee reception overflowing with passed platters of pungent cheeses, a fraternity of Rome Times editors had pulled her aside. “Bella donna dalla Finlandia, you must surrender to the heat,” they’d said, their eyes piercing into hers. “Coping with the sun is like tiptoeing past a drunken slave master. Travel the streets only when necessary, divert your eyes.” Abandoning glasses of Sangiovese half full, they walked out into the night. “And watch behind you,” whispered one as he brushed past her. (You should read the post on writing in the now linked above. Here we are at the second paragraph and we’re doing a flashback. The reader wants what’s happening now, not what happened then, especially in the opening to a story. Also, the idea of eyes “piercing” into hers when they were merely talking about the heat took me out of the narrative.)

She was younger then, naïve: they were not referring to the heat of the sun. With blinders on, she entered Dante’s world.

Four years later, the parallels between Dante’s world and hers were unmistakable. In the cast iron cage of stifling heat that seemed to dangle more precariously at times, she unleashed him, letting him run riotously through her head to chase her demons and exorcise his ghost. It had been awhile – college? – since she’d read the tome. Dante, slashing through life’s (snip) (For me, an excursion into Dante was not the way to get me to turn the page. What are her demons? Whose ghost does she want exorcised, Dante’s? That doesn’t seem right. What is this story about?)

I urge you, Lori, to take a look at starting your story in media res. Despite some good writing and a door into an interesting world, this chapter felt a lot like “throat-clearing” to me.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[lexi Revellian]

I was struck by the picture of a 'fraternity of Rome Times editors' pulling our heroine aside and chanting dire warnings at her, presumably in unison, before abandoning their drinks and disappearing into the night.

In her place I'd have burst out laughing.

[Liz C]

I thought the writing was very nice indeed, but I do have a short attention span and, like Ray, I was left waiting for something interesting to happen.

[von]

A bit too much Dante, and a bit too little mystery. The one paragraph about 'they weren't referring to the heat of the sun." caught my attention, but the next didn't keep it.

[hope101]

Aside from the piercing eyes, I found the writing smooth and intelligent. (So much so that I felt intimidated about making a comment.)

That said, yes, the fourth paragraph disappointed me. I wanted to be moved into whatever constitutes the immediate threat.

[Lori]

Thank you, everyone, for your comments. I'll keep it in the present (I had a feeling the flashback was going to be a problem) and snap immediately to the issue at hand. And "piercing" -- I'm embarrassed I wrote that! :) And Lexi, I didn't think of it before, but laughing in their face is exactly what Hermina would do today, but maybe not back when it happened (trying to set up the change in her character). I'll try to still make the point but smooth it out.

[Christine H]

I found that there were too many long- syllabled words in the first couple of paragraphs. Have you tried reading it aloud? For someone who doesn't speak Italian, that is a tongue twister. I'm assuming that "Bella bella donna Finlandia" means "Pretty, pretty Finnish lady" but I'm not sure. LOL!

Also, since wine is dehydrating, she definitely wouldn't be drinking wine in extreme heat unless she wanted a terrible headache and perhaps to throw up later. Unless it is mixed with fruit juice and ice, like some kind of sangria, perhaps.

I have not read Dante, and I assume most people today without literature degrees haven't either, so you are probably going to lose a lot of readers right off the bat. I know he wrote a long poem about Hell, that's about it. I know, it's a pathetic thing to admit for a writer.

I do like your premise, I just think that you can make it a little more interesting. If I were going to rewrite this, I would make it go like this...

The July heat simmered on the Via Margutta, St. Margaret's Street, in the fashionable section of Rome, rising to the balcony of Hermina Jorgenson's apartment like the fumes of Hell. She tossed the June issue of the (fashion?) magazine Artista Ufficiale to the foot of her chaise. She was ashamed of it; as editor-in-chief, she knew it had all been done before. The photos were boring, the articles trite. She needed new ideas; fresh blood.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and reached for the tall glass of ice water on the little table by her elbow. God, even in the shade it was a hundred degrees here. Didn't they know about air conditioning?

Perhaps she should have listened to the fraternity of Rome Times editors five years ago when they tried to warn her. (italic)Bella donna Finlandia,(italic) they had called her. "Pretty Finnish lady, watch out! Rome may be too hot for you."

She was beginning to wonder if they were right, and not just about the climate, either....

Now, I can tell that you love to write more elaborate prose. You do have a lovely talent. But you can start to weave that in later, when you get the reader's attention.

The only reason I made this so long is that I really liked it, and wanted to share my thoughts. I hope you don't mind.

Christine

[Lori]

Christine, I really appreciate your rework to grab the reader's attention, and your and thoughts on how to transition the beginning into something more involved. Paying attention to the details (environmental factors throwing a wrench in things, such as drinking wine in the heat) is important because like Ray has said, it takes the reader out of the work. It's great to have an outside observer. Thank you for your thoughts!

[Christine H]

Thanks, Lori. I was afraid you would be offended. And I also tend to be a bit scientific about things, which annoys the heck out of my family. So I'm glad it helped!

I hope you'll repost when you have a new version, because I'd like to read it!

[Kelly]

A general question: must every work begin in medias res? The Heart is a Lonely Hunter doesn't. Far from the Madding Crowd doesn't. Some of my favorite books from my fantasy-devouring younger years, like Edith Pattou's East and Robin McKinley's (Newbery Medal winning) The Hero and the Crown, don't. Would most readers and editors not turn the page in these works?

[Ray Rhamey]

I don't think everything must start in media res, though that's a valid technique. If it doesn't, however, it needs to start in media fascinating.

[Kelly]

(Whoops, just remembered The Hero and the Crown does technically begin in media res, though the first few pages are entirely internal reflection, and a good third of the book from from chapter three onward is entirely flashback. This is irrelevant, but I hate to be inaccurate.)