Flogometer for Janet—would you turn the page?

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Janet‘s first 16 lines:

"Attack!"

Prince Bob dug in his heels. His horse leapt forward in a race to the enemy. The pounding of hooves thundered all around him.

Target in sight, the prince raised his sword. He leaned in to strike . . . and miscalculated. Again.

Bob landed flat on his back for the fourth time that day.

Sounds of war melted into laughter. "Who knew a straw dummy could fight so well!"

Bob recognized that voice. Friederick.

"Maybe the dummy could take your place," Friederick called.

Bob sucked in the pain that pulsed from his back. He pushed himself up from the ground and grinned. "Is that you, cousin? Well I'll be. I could have sworn that was you." He jerked a thumb toward the dummy. "My mistake."

The laughter doubled.

Red-faced, Friederick cast an angry glance around him before turning on Bob. "We'll see who's laughing next week when they appoint new captains. Or will king daddy pull some strings again?"

"Like Lord Leon does for you?" Bob winked at his cousin, then picked up his sword from (snip)

Another close one
Maybe it’s just Monday morning. Despite a lively, immediate scene, good clear writing, conflict and tension, I wasn’t compelled to turn the page. I was on the fence, which means a “no”—after all, compelling is what we’re after. I think I just didn’t care enough about what would happen next. There was a sentence three lines later that would have gotten me to turn the page, however. If this can be trimmed enough to get it on the first page, the result would be different for me. That line in a moment. Notes:

"Attack!"

Prince Bob dug in his heels. His horse leapt forward in a race to the enemy. The pounding of hooves thundered all around him. (We need just a little bit more scene-setting here to see what’s happening. We really don’t know who else is there, other than Bob. This could be clarified if the last sentence had something like this added: as six cadets charged. You could add “practice dummies” to be perfectly clear, but I like the surprise of learning that’s what he was charging.)

Target in sight, The prince raised his sword. He leaned in to strike . . . and miscalculated. Again.

Bob landed flat on his back for the fourth time that day.

Sounds of war melted into laughter. "Who knew a straw dummy could fight so well!"

Bob recognized that voice. Friederick.

"Maybe the dummy could take your place," Friederick called. (Upon reflection, this didn’t seem necessary. We’ve got the point—Friederick is an ass who is tormenting Bob.)

Bob sucked in the pain that pulsed from his back. He pushed himself up from the ground and grinned. "Is that you, cousin? Well I'll be.” He jerked a thumb toward the dummy. “I could have sworn that was you." He jerked a thumb toward the dummy. "My mistake."

The laughter doubled.

Red-faced, Friederick cast an angry glance around him before turning on Bob. "We'll see who's laughing next week when they appoint new captains. Or will king daddy pull some strings again?" (Clarity issue here, partly because we didn’t know who else was there. If the laughter doubles, who’s doing the laughing, because it sure isn’t Friederick, who is busy being angry. The paragraph before, about the laughter, could fix this with something like: Bob smiled when four voices hooted and laughed. This would work only if the previous narrative had let us know that there were a number of boys there.)

"Like Lord Leon does for you?" Bob winked at his cousin, then picked up his sword from. (snip)

Okay, we’ve trimmed enough to get that line I mentioned on the first page. Here’s what it could have been:

"Attack!"

Prince Bob dug in his heels. His horse leapt forward. The pounding of hooves thundered all around him as six cadets charged.

The prince raised his sword. He leaned in to strike . . . and miscalculated. Again.

Bob landed flat on his back for the fourth time that day.

Sounds of war melted into laughter. "Who knew a straw dummy could fight so well!"

Friederick.

Bob sucked in the pain that pulsed from his back. He pushed himself up and grinned. "Is that you, cousin? Well I'll be." He jerked a thumb toward the dummy. "I could have sworn that was you."

Bob smiled when four voices hooted and laughed.

Red-faced, Friederick cast an angry glance around. "We'll see who's laughing next week when they appoint new captains. Or will king daddy pull strings again?"

"Like Lord Leon does for you?" Bob winked at his cousin.

Friederick jumped down from his horse and unsheathed his sword. "Why don't we just see who deserves to be captain right now?"

What do you think? Better?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Marcel]

Prince Bob made me think this is probably YA. If not, is it parody? Humorous?

I didn't see the beginning as "false tension" either. I saw it as the protagonist visualizing these sights and sounds in his head in order to get "in character," to get battle ready, as it were.

I liked what Ray did with the opening--except for the cadet bit in the second paragraph. I didn't like the inclusion of those cadets, because there's no indication that anyone else charged (or should have charged). As far as I can tell, there's only one dummy to charge. So, I'd suggest the following to replace this sentence: Pounding hooves thundered underneath him.

Good luck.

[Christine H]

It has occurred to me that Janet may be a YA person herself. If so, I want to applaud you for having the courage to put this up. I wish we had had the Internet and sites like this to help me write when I was a young adult. I had no one, and gave up out of frustration until many years later, when I was married and had a family of my own.

Keep working on this... it is very appealing! The people here are looking at technical writing skills for the professional market. You may not be ready for this kind of feedback yet. BUT THAT IS OKAY!!!! Don't let it stop you the way it stopped me... I didn't write for over thirteen years.

Keep the faith, Janet! Keep writing!!!

[Victoria Dixon]

I do like most of Ray's cuts, but would have continued without them. I like unconventional fantasy. :)

Never stop writing, no matter the voices or votes against you.

[Celeste]

Very nice, Janet! I do agree with most of Ray's cuts, as well, but they are minor. It's your story and vision that is making the story compelling. I do have issues with the name, though. Sorry. I like that he is a prince that isn't princely, and doesn't like his name as well, but it doesn't mesh with "Freiderick" or the likely time period, at all. Perhaps a different name that isn't princely, but still is appropriate for the time period would make me more likely to love the main character? That's my only issue. I enjoyed the "playful" tension between the characters. Keep writing!