Flogometer for Janet—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Janet‘s first 16 lines:

"Attack!"

Prince Bob dug in his heels. His horse leapt forward in a race to the enemy. The pounding of hooves thundered all around him.

Target in sight, the prince raised his sword. He leaned in to strike . . . and miscalculated. Again.

Bob landed flat on his back for the fourth time that day.

Sounds of war melted into laughter. "Who knew a straw dummy could fight so well!"

Bob recognized that voice. Friederick.

"Maybe the dummy could take your place," Friederick called.

Bob sucked in the pain that pulsed from his back. He pushed himself up from the ground and grinned. "Is that you, cousin? Well I'll be. I could have sworn that was you." He jerked a thumb toward the dummy. "My mistake."

The laughter doubled.

Red-faced, Friederick cast an angry glance around him before turning on Bob. "We'll see who's laughing next week when they appoint new captains. Or will king daddy pull some strings again?"

"Like Lord Leon does for you?" Bob winked at his cousin, then picked up his sword from (snip)

Another close one
Maybe it’s just Monday morning. Despite a lively, immediate scene, good clear writing, conflict and tension, I wasn’t compelled to turn the page. I was on the fence, which means a “no”—after all, compelling is what we’re after. I think I just didn’t care enough about what would happen next. There was a sentence three lines later that would have gotten me to turn the page, however. If this can be trimmed enough to get it on the first page, the result would be different for me. That line in a moment. Notes:

"Attack!"

Prince Bob dug in his heels. His horse leapt forward in a race to the enemy. The pounding of hooves thundered all around him. (We need just a little bit more scene-setting here to see what’s happening. We really don’t know who else is there, other than Bob. This could be clarified if the last sentence had something like this added: as six cadets charged. You could add “practice dummies” to be perfectly clear, but I like the surprise of learning that’s what he was charging.)

Target in sight, The prince raised his sword. He leaned in to strike . . . and miscalculated. Again.

Bob landed flat on his back for the fourth time that day.

Sounds of war melted into laughter. "Who knew a straw dummy could fight so well!"

Bob recognized that voice. Friederick.

"Maybe the dummy could take your place," Friederick called. (Upon reflection, this didn’t seem necessary. We’ve got the point—Friederick is an ass who is tormenting Bob.)

Bob sucked in the pain that pulsed from his back. He pushed himself up from the ground and grinned. "Is that you, cousin? Well I'll be.” He jerked a thumb toward the dummy. “I could have sworn that was you." He jerked a thumb toward the dummy. "My mistake."

The laughter doubled.

Red-faced, Friederick cast an angry glance around him before turning on Bob. "We'll see who's laughing next week when they appoint new captains. Or will king daddy pull some strings again?" (Clarity issue here, partly because we didn’t know who else was there. If the laughter doubles, who’s doing the laughing, because it sure isn’t Friederick, who is busy being angry. The paragraph before, about the laughter, could fix this with something like: Bob smiled when four voices hooted and laughed. This would work only if the previous narrative had let us know that there were a number of boys there.)

"Like Lord Leon does for you?" Bob winked at his cousin, then picked up his sword from. (snip)

Okay, we’ve trimmed enough to get that line I mentioned on the first page. Here’s what it could have been:

"Attack!"

Prince Bob dug in his heels. His horse leapt forward. The pounding of hooves thundered all around him as six cadets charged.

The prince raised his sword. He leaned in to strike . . . and miscalculated. Again.

Bob landed flat on his back for the fourth time that day.

Sounds of war melted into laughter. "Who knew a straw dummy could fight so well!"

Friederick.

Bob sucked in the pain that pulsed from his back. He pushed himself up and grinned. "Is that you, cousin? Well I'll be." He jerked a thumb toward the dummy. "I could have sworn that was you."

Bob smiled when four voices hooted and laughed.

Red-faced, Friederick cast an angry glance around. "We'll see who's laughing next week when they appoint new captains. Or will king daddy pull strings again?"

"Like Lord Leon does for you?" Bob winked at his cousin.

Friederick jumped down from his horse and unsheathed his sword. "Why don't we just see who deserves to be captain right now?"

What do you think? Better?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[von]

Prince "Bob"??

Somehow it doesn't seem very princely, or adventury.

I turned the page, it is the kind of story I like, but I agree with most of the corrections.

Fix the name too :)

[Jami G.]

I don't know. I thought "Bob" was fine if that's the sort of tone that the story was going for. The boy who is meant to be king but doesn't seem cut out for it. If the point of the story is something else, then I'd change it. Otherwise, that one word does the work of paragraphs-worth of "telling" for the setup - and I'd call that a good job! :)

Jami G.

[Lori]

I definitely would turn the page, but I had to get past the first hiccup, which was, as others have noted, the name "Bob". I stopped immediately and thought "Bob? For real?" I think the pacing moves at a fast clip, you learn a lot early on, and I do like Ray's rewrite. And, there's a good bit of humor here to draw in the reader.

[Doug]

I liked Ray's version better with the more dangerous conflict appearing on page one, but I still wouldn't turn the page.

Opening with dialogue is a bit of a risk, and unattributed dialogue is riskier. The opening line just didn't do it for me. Who called "Attack!"? I thought it was Prince Bob, but apparently not. I'd go with something like "The order to attack was given, and Prince Bob..."

The wording "dug in his heels" threw me because that's a common idiom for becoming more resolute (or stubborn, as my wife calls it).

Maybe it's just me, but I have credibility issues with the laughter switching from laughing at Bob for his embarrassing failure to laughing at Friederick for Bob's joke (maybe because the joke struck me more as posturing than as witty).

For the same reason, I have trouble believing that Friederick would be angry at the clearly inept Bob. I'd think he'd be continuing to act superior.

The wording "cast an angry glance around" didn't work for me. Casting a glance would be taking a short look at something specific, while glancing around is a quick scan. An "angry glance" is something else again. (My opinion only.)

I found the setting to be quite vague, although that in itself wouldn't be enough to keep me from reading on. A telling detail or two might help.

[Sheila]

The name Bob stopped me as well. Prince Bob. Hmm.

But I enjoyed the banter between him and Frederick and would probably read on, especially after Ray's cuts.

[Janet]

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate them. Why do edits seems so obvious after someone else suggests them? :) And as Jami guessed, Prince Bob is the prince who is anything but princely. Prince Bob hates the name, too. ;)

[Jodi]

I voted no. I hate false tension. The lack of visuals/sensory information on what was going on--the enemy, whom he was striking, wasn't working for me. Then once we realize the enemy is a dummy, when we are lead to expect enemies "thundering" all around him on their own horses? That's false tension.

Jodi

[von]

>>I hate false tension.

Huh, I didn't think so at all. I thought it was a nice way of disguising the real tension between the boys.

And I like the idea that he hates the name too. The name is shocking, but if that is the point, then it worked.

[Christine H]

I wasn't sure how to take this, whether it was serious or not. At first I thought that Bob was a modern child who was pretending to be a prince, and that he and Frederick (Fred) were playing in the backyard.

If Bob hates his name, then I don't think he should call himself that in his internal monologue. He would use a name he liked better, such as Prince Robert. "Prince Robert urged his horse forward as six cadets charged him..."

[Jodi]

" >>I hate false tension.

Huh, I didn't think so at all. I thought it was a nice way of disguising the real tension between the boys."

I said it was false tension because we were in the pov of the character, who knew it was a dummy he was fighting--and the details were all supposed to make us think he was fighting a real enemy. Generally, in the cases of false tension or false suspense openings, the details are spare or ambiguous to keep the reader from seeing clearly whatever the author is hiding. Because if it were clear what was going on, it wouldn't be as engaging, or conflict filled, or suspenseful as the misleading scenario is.

That is what I meant by false tension/suspense.

Jodi

[Marcel]

Prince Bob made me think this is probably YA. If not, is it parody? Humorous?

I didn't see the beginning as "false tension" either. I saw it as the protagonist visualizing these sights and sounds in his head in order to get "in character," to get battle ready, as it were.

I liked what Ray did with the opening--except for the cadet bit in the second paragraph. I didn't like the inclusion of those cadets, because there's no indication that anyone else charged (or should have charged). As far as I can tell, there's only one dummy to charge. So, I'd suggest the following to replace this sentence: Pounding hooves thundered underneath him.

Good luck.

[Christine H]

It has occurred to me that Janet may be a YA person herself. If so, I want to applaud you for having the courage to put this up. I wish we had had the Internet and sites like this to help me write when I was a young adult. I had no one, and gave up out of frustration until many years later, when I was married and had a family of my own.

Keep working on this... it is very appealing! The people here are looking at technical writing skills for the professional market. You may not be ready for this kind of feedback yet. BUT THAT IS OKAY!!!! Don't let it stop you the way it stopped me... I didn't write for over thirteen years.

Keep the faith, Janet! Keep writing!!!

[Victoria Dixon]

I do like most of Ray's cuts, but would have continued without them. I like unconventional fantasy. :)

Never stop writing, no matter the voices or votes against you.

[Celeste]

Very nice, Janet! I do agree with most of Ray's cuts, as well, but they are minor. It's your story and vision that is making the story compelling. I do have issues with the name, though. Sorry. I like that he is a prince that isn't princely, and doesn't like his name as well, but it doesn't mesh with "Freiderick" or the likely time period, at all. Perhaps a different name that isn't princely, but still is appropriate for the time period would make me more likely to love the main character? That's my only issue. I enjoyed the "playful" tension between the characters. Keep writing!