The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Danielle‘s first 16 lines:
Anikka dug her cell phone out her bag and heard her life-long best friend Mari’s voice on the other line. “Hey Necky, did you eat dinner yet?”
That was the nickname boys at school stuck to her last year when her neck shot up. Anikka hated it. “I’m starving. We’re just getting home.”
“Ever heard of Tarantula?”
“Don’t tell me. It’s only the new place to go.”
“It will be by next weekend— after people see me there a few more times. Be ready in twenty minutes.”
“Hold on. I can’t go anywhere. I’ve got Elias.” Anikka’s eleven-year old brother was kicking the curbside, occasionally aiming at her. She elbowed him away.
Mari clucked her tongue. “We’ll pick you up. Oh, and Anikka— be sure to look as cute as you can. We’re going to Galapagos street.”
“Wait. Who’s we?” Up popped a vision of Mari’s parents, Vultch and Vulca, driving their shiny automobile down the seedy nightclub street. Mari had invited her over only once since school got out a week ago, and that was to make Vulca quit nagging her.
The pause lengthened, as if the connection had been lost. “Hello? Mari, are you there?”
Didn’t work for me
While this starts with a scene in the “now” of the story, and that’s
a good thing, it didn’t hold any tension for me. No story questions
that I really wanted answered popped up—the only possibility is who
“we” is, and I didn’t really care because I don’t know if that’s
important to this character or not. There were some craft issues as
well, though the writing is generally clean, and the voice is likeable.
Notes:
Anikka dug her cell phone out her bag and heard her life-long best friend Mari’s voice
on the other line. “Hey Necky, did you eat dinner yet?” (First, a point-of-view thing: we’re in close third person, wherein a character does not think, say, do, feel, or know something she wouldn’t ordinarily. A person hearing her best friend’s voice would not think “life-long best friend.” Find another way to introduce that, preferably later. Second, a clarity issue—and clarity is something you do not want to get wrong on the first page. Unless she has a two-line cell phone, I doubt the voice was on “the other line.” I’m sure the other end was meant, but, as you see, it wasn’t needed.)That was the nickname boys at school stuck to her last year when her neck shot up. Anikka hated it. “I’m starving. We’re just getting home.” (Another POV thing—she wouldn’t think “That was the nickname…etc.” If you want to get this in, in can be done with something as simple as She hated the nickname the boys at school had…etc. Also, the idea of someone’s neck shooting up seemed odd to me. I never heard of just one body part growing that way.)
“Ever heard of Tarantula?”
“Don’t tell me. It’s only the new place to go.”
“It will be by next weekend— after people see me there a few more times. Be ready in twenty minutes.”
“Hold on. I can’t go anywhere. I’ve got Elias.” Anikka’s eleven-year old brother was kicking the curbside, occasionally aiming at her. She elbowed him away.
Mari clucked her tongue. “We’ll pick you up. Oh, and Anikka— be sure to look as cute as you can. We’re going to Galapagos street.”
“Wait. Who’s we?”
Up popped a vision of Mari’s parents, Vultch and Vulca, driving their shiny automobile down the seedy nightclub street. Mari had invited her over only once since school got out a week ago, and that was to make Vulca quit nagging her.(This bit of back story, and especially the names of Mari’s parents, is totally unnecessary and stops the story cold.)
The pause lengthened, as if the connection had been lost. “Hello? Mari, are you there?”(it’s not clear to me why this is here. It, too, stops the development of the story, and it didn’t build any tension for me. I think this needs to get to who’s going to be there (her heartthrob) and then get into experiencing how she feels about that (anxiety, fear of failure, etc.).
The chapter went on with the two getting home, being hot and sweaty and other domestic exposition. The end of the chapter ends with her finding the “unrequited love of her life” in Mari’s car. Now, that would have been a page-turner, but I’d tuned out by then. What we need here, Danielle, is a hint of something happening that’s important to Anikka, some hint of jeopardy to come or a consequence that she needs to avoid. Some story element that makes us wonder what’s going to happen next.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
>>“Hey Necky, did you eat dinner yet?”
So, her life long best friend uses a nickname she hates? With friends like those.
I agree with Ray on this one. Some other comments:
Unless there is a reason for it, the names of the parents are seriously off-putting.
The brother issue doesn't really get answered. Are they taking him too then?
Posted by: von | October 09, 2009 at 12:34 PM
I have to agree with Ray and Von.
The names of the parents were unnecessary, as were their descriptions. Made me wonder if these were their real names, or nicknames. Were they foreign, or vampires, or just creepy-looking? By the time I got back to the story, these were the questions I was interested in, rather than what was going to happen next.
Posted by: Jessica | October 09, 2009 at 01:42 PM
I'm confused about the ages of Anikka and Mari. They seem like they're in Junior High, based on their conversation, the fact that they can't drive, and that Anikka has an 11-year-old brother. But they are going to a hip, fancy club(?) which makes me think that they could be much older.
Apparently they are not going with Mari's parents because she's hesitating to answer. So is Mari dating a much older guy? Is Mari really a celebrity, as her comment suggests (a la Hannah Montana), or is she joking? If she's joking, it makes her sound conceited.
All this makes me think that the girls (assuming Mari is a girl) are rather conceited and doing things that are not appropriate for their ages. I'm sure that's not the intention, but it did put me off, as well as the parents' names.
Posted by: Christine H | October 10, 2009 at 05:33 AM
"That was the nickname boys at school stuck to her last year when her neck shot up."
This line stopped me. What does she look like?
Posted by: kathy | October 10, 2009 at 07:57 AM
I think the narrative is fluid. There are genuine voices here that are real. It's the backstory and description that I'm struggling with, as others have mentioned.
Posted by: Lori | October 10, 2009 at 05:07 PM
Just wanted to comment that having read through a few of your critiques I'm now rewriting the beginning of my story as I realised five pages in and it was all explaining back story. It'll be a long while though before I'm brave enough to submit it here, but being able to see real critiques has already helped my understanding of what's needed to get readers to turn the page
Posted by: coelbren.wordpress.com | October 11, 2009 at 06:20 AM
Oops, I meant dialogue, not narrative.
Posted by: Lori | October 11, 2009 at 06:31 AM
I was puzzled by Anikka's thinking Elias's presence would preclude her going out, and Mari clearly not thinking this - odd.
Also, right at the start, Anikka letting her best friend call her Necky, when she hated it, made me think she was a wimp. Was this intended?
Posted by: lexi Revellian | October 12, 2009 at 04:39 AM