FtQ cited on top 100 list I just received notice that FtQ has been included in a listing of 100 Great Blogs Young Writers Should Read. I feel honored—and you’re part of this, too.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Dai’s‘s first 16 lines:
Despite strong writing, I passedSwann slouched on a table in the office, waiting to see some device built by Professor Koskinen and his techs. He had no clue as to how this fit in with the expedition, and neither Cameron Dimarico nor the help was offering any.
After forty minutes Dimarico woke him, and he stumbled into the warehouse. They stopped near a small wooden platform topped with an aluminum plate. Off to one side stood the professor and his minions.
“What’s the silly drill, Cam?”
Dimarico held up a hand. “This is a demo—explanations later.”
Something continually screeched in the background.
“What the devil is yowling?”
Dimarico pointed, and half hidden by a column was a small whitish creature in a cage. A cat?! He began to wonder if he were dreaming this surrealistic scene.
“What the heck are we waiting for?”
Dimarico glanced at his wrist. “Ten forty-five.”
Swann checked his own watch. “It’s ten forty-eight right now.”
“Ten forty-seven and a few.” Dimarico sounded worried.
This page was 3 lines away from an enthusiastic page turn, and I’ll show you that in a moment. Dai is doing the right thing here, starting with a scene. But, for this reader, there was little tension in it. There are two questions raised—which man has the correct time, and what is the demo about. But there’s nothing to suggest what the demo is or why it’s important to the character. Also, we start with a guy waiting, slouched, and then apparently falling asleep. This is not, for me, tension-inducing. First, some notes:
Swann slouched on a table in the office, waiting to see some device built by Professor Koskinen and his techs. He had no clue as to how this fit in with the expedition, and neither Cameron Dimarico nor the help was offering any. (This opening paragraph uses three lines of the first page to tell us that there’s an undefined device made by someone we don’t know, and the character doesn’t know anything about what’s going on, but he’s not concerned about that. How important is it that we know the professor’s name at this point? How important is it that Dimarico hasn’t told him anything?)
After forty minutes Dimarico woke him, and he stumbled into the warehouse. They stopped near a small wooden platform topped with an aluminum plate. Off to one side stood the professor and his minions. (How important is it that he waited 40 minutes from the opening, or that he fell asleep? This guy is not terribly involved with what’s going on, so why should we be? The warehouse scene could have been better set—briefly, is it filled with stuff, or empty, or what? Is it bright, or dim?)
“What’s the silly drill, Cam?”
Dimarico held up a hand. “This is a demo—explanations later.”
Something continually screeched in the background.
“What the devil is yowling?”
Dimarico pointed, and half hidden by a column was a small whitish creature in a cage. A cat?! He began to wonder if he were dreaming this surrealistic scene. (I don’t think italics are needed for the internal monologue about the cat.)
“What the heck are we waiting for?”
Dimarico glanced at his wrist. “Ten forty-five.” (I was a little confused here. Are we waiting for 10:45, or is he just telling Dimarico the time?)
Swann checked his own watch. “It’s ten forty-eight right now.” (My confusion would have been cleared up if Swann’s speech here had started with something like ”Then you’re late.”)
“Ten forty-seven and a few.” Dimarico sounded worried.
Now, imagine that the first paragraph wasn’t there, and the second paragraph got Swann into the warehouse. Imagine that Dimarico’s behavior shows some tension. Then you’d have room to include these three lines that came on the second page:
No point arguing over a minute, but… “Can’t you get rid of that ca
-- ”POOM! He crouched and swiveled toward the platform.
What! Now the cat and its cage were here, the yowling twice as loud.
I’d have definitely turned the page if we’d gotten to this point. Once hooked, there’s time to weave in names and roles and the expedition and lots of stuff. In the next few lines, we learn that the cat and the cage seem to have been duplicated. . .or something, because there are two sets of them. That would have kept me reading. That little bit of throat-clearing at the top of this narrative was what kept this page from being a turner for me.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
What you're *really* telling me is that your page is too short!
Fortunately for both of us, Ray, I've already "fixed" the problems. (Or at least changed things.) Should have sent in the edited version, but press of other business prevented my even thinking about it.
Posted by: Dai Alanye | October 14, 2009 at 08:52 AM
I like it at the point they start worrying about the time, makes me want to know what is up. But a bored-to-sleep character in the opening has the same effect on me and makes me wonder why that first paragraph before the MC is woken needs in there.
Jodi
Posted by: Jodi | October 14, 2009 at 04:06 PM
I turned the page, because I love sci-fi.
I would lose the sleep thing, and build a bit of character into the 'why am I here'. I actually liked the time thing, but that is because I read sci-fi a lot. It struck me as something that was supposed to happen at a certain time.
If written slightly differently, I would have read it as a time travel issue: sure it is seven fourt eight now, but it a minute or two it will be seven fourty five.
Posted by: von | October 16, 2009 at 09:28 AM