The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Adegan‘s first 16 lines of his prologue:
No page turn for me todayDulcina and Warren had wanted a child since the day they were married. For years they tried, but when the news came she would never bear a child, it nearly killed Dulcina. Her dreams were shattered, sending her spiraling into a deep depression. In their humble home they fell to the floor and wept together.
Distraught, she felt distant from the world around her, as though nothing could save her. Her body was weightless and her mind drifted away from her. Her water filled eyes offered little sight as she opened them. When her sight returned, she found she was alone. The room was the same, yet everything around her appeared different.
It was difficult for her to show any concern for her new surroundings, but there was a strange comfort she gained from a sparkling mist that she noticed flowed everywhere. The world was lacking in vibrancy and color outside of a blue tint that seemed to emanate from everything. The sparkling mist moved through the air like dust drifting in a still room.
She watched as it sauntered through her body. Soon it was all she focus on, as she did the mist turned to a green energy that gathered within her, she continued to concentrate on it. As she did her body seemed more complete, her heart beat stronger and soul no longer ached. The warm sensation brought her back to her husband, where she now thought of her journey as nothing more than a revitalizing fantasy.
The “telling” style that afflicts so many prologues left me wanting
a living scene in which to be involved. There were craft shortcomings
that said the writing that would follow wouldn’t quite reach the
professional level it needs to have. I never felt quite oriented in
space, time, and story. And I didn’t connect with the character
Dulcina and Warren had wanted a child since the day they were married. For years they tried, but when the news came she would never bear a child, it nearly killed Dulcina. Her dreams were shattered, sending her spiraling into a deep depression. In their humble home they fell to the floor and wept together. (This could have been a dramatic, involving scene—her getting the news [where? In a doctor’s office would be the most likely—this is not something you phone in]. With dialogue, action, and emotion, I could have been involved in her experience, her pain. I think that prologues are stronger when they are immediate scenes rather than the summary approach here.)
Distraught, she felt distant from the world around her, as though nothing could save her. Her body was weightless and her mind drifted away from her. Her water-filled eyes offered little sight when
asshe opened them. When her sight returned, she found she was alone. The room was the same, yet everything around her appeared different.It was difficult for her to show any concern for her new surroundings, but
there was a strange comfortshe gained comfort from a sparkling mist thatshe noticedflowed everywhere. The world lackedwas lacking invibrancy and color outside of a blue tint that seemed to emanate from everything. Thesparklingmist moved through the air like dust drifting in a still room.She watched as it sauntered through her body. Soon it was all she focused on.
as she did tThe mist turned to a green energy that gathered within her, she continued to concentrate on it. As she did hHer body seemed more complete, her heart beat stronger and her soul no longer ached. The warm sensation brought her back to her husband, where she now thought of her journey as nothing more than a revitalizing fantasy. (Lots more telling here. What were the physical sensations as this happened? Can we feel the pulse pounding stronger in her body? What does "brought her back to her husband" mean-- is he still lying on the floor, weeping? Show us what's happening.)
In this prologue, her husband dies of old age while she remains young, she “returns” to this world of energy, the energy leaves her body and becomes a 3-year-old child, and Dulcina dies. This could be a launch into a new world of magic, but the writing just wasn’t ready to take me there. Keep at it, though—the story showed promise.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
This sounds to me like a summary, or a very rough first draft to get the ideas on the page. It needs to be worked into a real story.
Ray has very good advice. If I were you, I would pretend to be an actress (or actor?) playing Dulcina and imagine everything she would be experiencing and thinking as she goes through her part. What do she and her husband say to each other as they weep? Is his shirt getting wet from her tears? Is he muscular or skinny? Does he hold her very tightly? Does that make her feel comforted, or does she actually feel worse because he's upset too?
Why are they so devastated, anyways? Lots of couples can't have children, so it's not the end of the world. So why is it the end of the world FOR THEM? Is it the end of his family line, for example? Is she an only child who always dreamed of having a large family? Why can't they adopt?
Having gone through this myself - I have one child, but we could not conceive a second time (called secondary infertility) - I know how emotionally wrenching it is. Partly, I think, my hormones were kind of wacky as I watched my son grow out of all his baby stages, thinking, "I'll never see this again because I don't have any other children." or thinking, "He'll be alone the rest of his life; he has no siblings to turn to for comfort or laughter, the way I turn to my sister."
But after you get used to the idea that it isn't going to happen, and that we couldn't possibly afford to adopt, the world swings back into balance and you realize that there is more to life than babies. Actually, it's kind of fun having more time and money for our small family to do things together.
So, I need some kind of really compelling motivation for this "crisis." Work on that, and then I'll want to turn the page.
Posted by: Christine H | October 21, 2009 at 06:44 AM
I have a word echo problem myself, so I noticed the word 'her' occurs eighteen times in this short passage, which is excessive.
Posted by: lexi Revellian | October 21, 2009 at 07:21 AM
Also, I'm very much into cultural context, so I wonder where is Dulcina from - sounds non US -- and Warren sounds like an American name. Can we get a bit of cultural context/setting in those first few paragraphs?
Posted by: Lori | October 21, 2009 at 08:16 AM
The passive voice was also a killer. The entire list of "now time" actions by Dulcina and Warren:
* they fell to the floor and wept together.
* she opened them [her eyes]
I'm not even sure that the former occurred in "now time" rather than earlier.
Posted by: Doug | October 21, 2009 at 08:43 AM