Flogometer for Victoria—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Victoria‘s first 16 lines:

In the Ron Empire, wars did not erupt over cups of rice wine, which was why Liu Jie and his family stopped at the Peach Orchard Inn. It was a meager tamped-earth structure, but he did not care. Traveling was too stressful in these times. They wanted rest.

Despite his guard’s protest, Jie dismounted and opened the inn’s courtyard gate himself. The cold, flaky metal felt good and solid after hours of nothing but leather and horsehair under his fingers. His wife and son’s litter passed inside and Jie helped Mei and Shan out of the stuffy sedan chair. A breeze blew the smell of earth and peaches through the courtyard and all three of them breathed deep. Together, they entered the inn.

To his right, several men gathered around something mounted on the wall. It was an unrolled silk scroll and it caught and held his attention. The weave of the ivory fabric was intricate, and the Imperial Chop blazed like a crimson brand in a corner. He read it in a glance.

The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men, as sons might come to their father. Rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report.

Jie took a step toward the scroll and stopped, hands clenched.

Beside him, his wife read it and blanched. “No,” she whispered.

"We knew it would come to this, Mei," Jie said.

I didn’t go there

Remember that I play the role of the weary agent swamped by queries when I read these, and doing it at 5 a.m. makes it easier to be hyper-critical, so that may be what’s operating here. While the story opens with a scene, and it’s in a world that I’m not familiar with (a good thing), there were craft issues that stopped me despite some good writing and the hint of tension in the last line. Notes:

In the Ron Empire, wars did not erupt over cups of rice wine, which was why Liu Jie and his family stopped at the Peach Orchard Inn. It was a meager tamped-earth structure, but he did not care. Traveling was too stressful in these times. They wanted rest. (The very first line bumped into my need for clarity—I didn’t understand why the notion of wars not erupting over cups of rice wine would be a reason why they stopped at the inn. What has one to do with the other? And why was traveling stressful? Because of highwaymen? Disease? Generalities don’t work well to create a response in this reader.)

Despite his guard’s protest, Jie dismounted and opened the inn’s courtyard gate himself. The cold, flaky metal felt good and solid after hours of nothing but leather and horsehair under his fingers. His wife and son’s litter passed inside and Jie helped Mei and Shan out of the stuffy sedan chair. A breeze blew the smell of earth and peaches through the courtyard and all three of them breathed deep. Together, they entered the inn. (The scene is nicely set and there’s characterization of Jie here. Good work.)

To his right, several five men gathered around something a silk scroll mounted on the wall. It was an unrolled silk scroll and it caught and held his attention. The weave of the ivory fabric was intricate, and the Imperial Chop blazed like a crimson brand in a corner. He read it in a glance. (Again, generalities fail. Why not have “several” men become “five” men? And what kind of picture does “something” on a wall bring to mind? None. As you see, I reconstructed the opening of this paragraph to try to give it the specificity that it needs.)

The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men, as sons might come to their father. Rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report.

Jie took a step toward the scroll and stopped, hands clenched. (While legitimate to include, I didn’t feel this advanced the story much, and his wife’s reaction communicates fear better to me. It's a bit of overwriting, too. Wouldn't it have worked to just have him clench his fists? Is the step foward and then stopping needed?)

Beside him, his wife read it and blanched. “No,” she whispered.

"We knew it would come to this, Mei," Jie said. (What is the "it" he refers to? Why not say? What we’re missing here, and what trimming the text as above can afford space to include, is what this notice means to his life? The implication is “something” not good, but there’s no reason to avoid including it here. We learn later that he worries that he might not have enough money to fund a campaign against the rebels, but then we don’t learn the negative consequences to that. Jeopardy is one of the strongest hooks you can have, and it would help to get a taste of it hear to build tension. While there’s a hing of tension in this last line, but it’s only that, and a hint wasn’t compelling to me.)

There’s good writing in this chapter, and the promise of an involving story, but for me the first page, as it is, didn’t reach that difficult-to-achieve level that we call “compelling.” It might not hurt to check out the Story as River post and think of how it applies to your story, Victoria.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I liked this. I liked the sensory detail--it was unique, subtly stated, and in just the right amount. I liked the unfolding of the scene and the development of tension. I wanted more.

I did agree with Ray, though, that the first line confused me. I think the opening would work loads better without it.

I voted "yes."

[Justina]

I voted "no." I had to reread the first line several times, and like Ray I had no idea what one had to do with the other. After that there weren't enough interesting details to pull me back into the story.

[Victoria Dixon]

Thanks so much, Ray! I see what you mean. Lots more editing to do. :)

Thank you for the kind comments, Jessica. Those are equally needed. :)

[hope101]

Lots of potential here, but I had to vote "no" too, on the question about whether I was compelled.

In your favour: the setting, the time period, the potential for huge stakes and conflict.

As a suggestion: begin inside the inn, using only enough information to orient us to place and time. Then have the scroll arrive, be unrolled as people congregate and murmur. Make us as curious about its contents as Mie and Jie. I think that might use your space more effectively than the arrival.

Good luck!

[Dai Alanye]

While I agree in detail with Ray's suggestions, the story's mood and setting still contained interest enough to cause me to wish to read further.

[Jeannie Lin]

Wow, kudos for being so brave!

I would turn the page. I'm a sucker for Asian historical settings.

The details were very nice touches. It's essential to Asian stories that the imagery be compelling and the author does a good job of that with your descriptions. It's also a quiet opening with a somber tone and I think the page conveys that well.

Asian writing tends to be influenced by a cinematic eye and since the characteristic Asian hero is taciturn and stoic, that's why we get the minute details of him stopping, clenching his fists, etc. It's as if the writing is following a camera as it reveals the scene -- be judicious about when to do this sort of "close up" as it can slow the pace quite a bit.

For example, I like Liu Jie's reaction to the scroll which is the turning point of the scene. I feel it may be better punctuated if there wasn't such a detailed build up of his family getting out of the litter, him opening the gate, etc. (the three of them sighing at once didn't work for me as a visual)

I do agree that in the scant space of the first page, specific, concrete details will ground the reader further. For example, there is the hint of war in the first line, but no explicit detail indicating that Liu Jie is warrior class to follow up with that hint. And this doesn't have to be as obvious as him having a sword. It could be how the men at the scroll back away from him in deference or the set of his stance as he stares at the scroll. Or if he's hiding his warrior stature, he needs to think warrior thoughts.

With those character details in place, then it would be more acceptable to be evasive about the scroll because we know without a doubt it's about war.

Overall, I thought the opening was lovely in tone and had intriguing glimpses of character. A little tightening of pace to really highlight what's important in this scene would elevate it.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000095932931]

The first line was a great first line, and the rest of the story compelled me... but they didn't connect.

I turned the page, I like historical/cultural fiction, and wars and things. But fix the first line... or connect it with the rest of the page.

[Doug]

In addition to Ray's comments:

Why is the family traveling?

The whole first paragraph could be cut and the few details (Jie's family name, the name of the inn, the reference to the Ron Empire) spliced into the second paragraph. The second paragraph pretty well implies that the family was traveling.

The text of the scroll is short enough that I would have included it in quotes at the end of the preceding paragraph, rather than making a separate (slightly confusing in the absence of markup) paragraph. I'd also shorten "He read it in a glance." to "It read:".

In the final paragraph, I'd be tempted to leave out the ",Mie". I don't know your characters and their culture, but people don't usually name the person they're talking to unless there could be a question about who is being addressed or for emphasis. Neither seems to apply here.

In the second paragraph, next to the last sentence, I'd change "deep" to "deeply". I wouldn't say that "breathed deep" is actually wrong, but I found it unnecessarily jarring when "breathed deeply" would be straightforward.

There is an unnecessary comma in the description of the scroll.