Flogometer for Sarah: would you turn the page?

---

Interview, Part II, on Buzz, Balls & Hype The second half of my interview is up on M.J. Rose's blog.

---

FtQ honored as one of Editor Unleashed’s 25 Best Writing Blogs 2009 This is very nice, and thanks to you who voted. You can see the complete list here.

---

Amazing workshop response I just received a request from the Write on the Sound Writers Conference, where I’m doing my Crafting a Killer First Page workshop in October, to open it to more than 50 writers. This is apparently a bigger response than they’re accustomed to getting. Should be fun. I’m excited.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Sarah’s first 16 lines:

I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel of my new, 2008, black, fully loaded, Dodge Viper SRT10. It had taken me months to save up for the down payment, but thanks to the power Mom had over Dad, they’d paid for the rest. So I’d forked out a whopping ten grand and owned it outright.

Love ya, Mom.

Breaking Benjamin pounded clearly through the Bose system. A way cute redhead smiled and waved from her creamy yellow Beemer. I inched forward, waiting patiently to get home from a day’s work at Dad’s photo studio in Beverly Hills. Moving lights and setting stage for him to photograph the rich and famous, along with some of the hottest women on earth, was a dream.

As Breakdown started to play, a car flew past my window—in the literal sense—and crashed into the eighteen-wheeler in front of me. I jumped as my heart raced. The hair on my arms stood on end as electrical currents pulsed through the August heat.

Out the window—pure mayhem.

Two cars to the left slammed simultaneously into a bus. The grey minivan to my right stood on end, nose to the ground. With nowhere to go, I waited for someone to hit me and destroy my new car. The probability of dying should’ve outweighed the prospect of my Viper’s (snip)

I turned the page
The “what will happen next” question moved me forward. The writing is sound, and this in an interesting scene, so good job. There are, though, some nits, and I think the pace could be just a tad crisper.

I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel of my new, 2008, black, fully loaded, Dodge Viper SRT10. It had taken me months to save up for the down payment, but thanks to the power Mom had over Dad, they’d paid for the rest. So I’d forked out a whopping ten grand and owned it outright.

Love ya, Mom.

Breaking Benjamin pounded clearly through the Bose system. A way cute redhead smiled and waved from her creamy yellow Beemer. I inched forward, waiting patiently to get home from a day’s work at Dad’s photo studio in Beverly Hills. Moving lights and setting stage for him to photograph the rich and famous, along with some of the hottest women on earth, was a dream. (First adverb a waste of space, IMO. I question “waiting patiently.” If he’s in a rush-hour crawl, well, did you ever experience rush hour “patiently?” How about him being eager to get home? This is a bit much backstory for me, but acceptable)

As Breakdown started to play, a car flew past my window—in the literal sense—and crashed into the eighteen-wheeler in front of me. I jumped as and my heart raced. The hair on my arms stood on end as when electrical currents pulsed through the August heat. (Several notes here. I thought “in the literal sense” was a bit too removed and calm for such a startling experience. And it’s telling—if this had been pictured more strongly, it would help. Does the car really fly past his window, as in the air, or speed past? Flying would be more dramatic, and over his head even more so.)

Out the window—pure mayhem. (This is pure “telling.” The following paragraph shows us, which is all you need.)

Two cars to the left slammed simultaneously into a bus. The grey minivan to my right stood on end, nose to the ground. With nowhere to go, I waited for someone to hit me and destroy my new car. The probability of dying should’ve outweighed the prospect of my Viper’s (snip) (Credibility problem here—would anyone with that going on around him really just wait for something to happen? I’d be looking behind me, at the least, and getting ready to jump out of my car. I think this character’s reactions are not terribly believable. If there’s a reason for his under-response, it should be included. Me, I’d be scared, and I think most readers would expect this character to be.)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[von]

Turn the page? Yes. Probably the last page I will read, tho, as I dislike the main character already. I will just turn the page to read what happens in the accident.

The next page had better include something to make me like, or at least pity, the main character, or I am history.

I need to know what window that car literally flew by... the drivers side? In which case how did it hit the eighteen wheeler ( as opposed to missing it on the left, or 'clipping it'). The drivers side and then the windshield?

Good action, probably too much to really hear and see. Focusing on one thing might have kept it crisper.

[Chris]

I actually said "no", although it is a scene that might have pulled me forward. But for me, there just were too many other negatives that killed my interest:

-- A smug, self-important, and materialistic teen that I disliked immediately as the MC. Making him a shallow, spoiled rich kid, in Beverly Hills, with a photgrapher dad surrounded by the "rich and famous" and "the hottest women on Earth" only alienates me more. Maybe it's just my taste, but I have no interest in reading anything more about him, regardless of how elevated the action.

-- A voice filled with cliche that disrupts the flow and detracts from the story: His "heart raced" and "the hairs on his arm stood on end."

-- Unclear imagry and over-writing that weakens the emotional impact: "Electric currents that pulse through the August heat" -- what does that mean? Is it describing what he feels in conjunction with his arm hairs standing on end? Or is there real lightning-like discharge happening around him? "Pure mayhem" -- conclusion words that tell me nothing.

-- Too much detachment from the action. Everything is outside his window as if on TV, and he seems to be much too calm, despite his "heart racing". It's all distant description of things happening around him, with nothing that directly impacts him, and his thoughts are all about damage to his car, not of the injury and potential loss of life of those in the other vehicles.

Much of this is just my personal taste, but all in all I find too many reasons for me not to continue.

[Sarah Jensen]

Thanks for the comments. This is a first draft of a new wip. And don't worry Chris, his life turns to hell very fast and he steps up to the plate. :)

But I do agree with everything said so far, and when I start editing, I'll fix said things.

I appreciate your comments.

Sarah

[Kim]

This felt unreal to me, detached. Ray nailed it, IMO--the problem is that the protag isn't taking any action. Wouldn't he be slamming on the brakes? Stepping on the accelerator? Twisting into another lane? It's obviously not impossible that he's in a little bubble of calm, surrounded by accidents on all sides, but it just doesn't ring true for my personal experience of wrecks. Something with action would bring that visceral fear back more clearly, I think.

I have to echo that I don't much like the protag either, given what we know of him. I'd be willing to read on and give him a chance though (hey! at least he loves his mom!)

Kim

[hope101]

I think the other commenters and Ray have been spot on. In addition, I don't find the character's voice credibly male. Between the first person narration, the materialistic focus, and the passivity when a crisis strikes, sorry, I don't buy it.

Suggestion: in later drafts, get a few teen males to serve as your betas.

Good luck!

[Christine H]

I'm going to go against the grain here. I admit I don't know many teens, but then I assumed this guy was in his twenties if he's able to save ten thou and is working instead of going to school.

I tend to think in that "detached" manner that the narrator is accused of, when in a crisis. So it seemed perfectly natural to me. The first thing I do is start describing the scene in my head.

I didn't think the protag was a jerk. Spoiled perhaps, but not a jerk. Just lucky to be born rich and enjoying life. I was ready to live vicariously through him.

And definitely wondering what was causing cars to fly around.

[Christine H]

Ray, what's the problem with "simultaneously?" Are we not allowed ANY adverbs? Without that word, the sentence seems uninformative to me.

[Ray Rhamey]

Christine, "simultaneously" didn't seem necessary to me. The sentence without it still tells me that two cars slammed into a bus, which seems pretty informative to me as that is not an ordinary occurrence. Just my opinion, though.

[Christine H]

Ah. With the "simultaneously" I could picture and hear the double slam. For some reason, I didn't get the same mental image without it. It didn't pop for me without the adverb, for some reason.

But you know I always seem to go the opposite way from everyone else. No idea why that is!

[Christine H]

Another comment for the author... I am totally out of touch with popular music, so the names "Breaking Benjamin" and "Breakdown" convey nothing to me. I don't know if that matters, but just thought I'd mention it.