Flogometer for Mike: would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Mike’s first 16 lines:

I pressed my cheek against the rock face when the first arrow struck. A quick scan for my next cover found another boulder thirty paces downhill. Good. From that point the tree line would be in reach. The arrow embedded in the slope below me froze my blood; it’s red and black fletching unmistakable. It wasn't the first time a client lied about the details of a target, but crossing Zanorus wasn't something I would’ve chosen. The robber baron's influence was expanding, but this remote keep? This would require a significant adjustment to my fee, maybe coupled with a swift kick in the pants for Iliam. “Kas,” he had told me, “It’s simply a family heirloom. They just want it back for sentimental reasons…”

Another arrow struck near the first, followed instantly by a third. A second archer had joined in from the parapet. Soon guards would be streaming from the main gate like insects from a disturbed hive. I scanned the horizon. Another hour of daylight, but darkness would envelope the forest beneath much sooner. The grade below was too steep for horses, a key factor in my escape plan. Voices and the clink of weapons rounded the keep. It was time. Drawing my cloak’s hood tight and clutching my prize, I made off down the slope.

Shouts rang from the parapet, followed by the hissing of arrows passing in flight. With a controlled slide and a quick-scramble, I arrived at the next refuge. My effort garnered a shower (snip)

Despite some nitpicks, I wanted more

I like the voice, the character seems like an interesting rogue, and the action raised good story questions. A small example of voice that came on the next page that I think would serve even better on the first was this: after a soldier shouted “Halt, thief!” at him, his response was

Did that ever work? I mean, really…

Now for some notes:

I pressed my cheek against the rock face when the first arrow struck. A quick scan for my next cover found another boulder thirty paces downhill. Good. From that point the tree line would be in reach. The arrow embedded in the slope below me froze my blood; it’s red and black fletching unmistakable. It wasn't the first time a client had lied about the details of a target, but crossing Zanorus wasn't something I would’ve chosen. The robber baron's influence was expanding, but this remote keep? This would require a significant adjustment to my fee, maybe coupled with a swift kick in the pants for Iliam. “Kas,” he had told me, “It’s simply a family heirloom. They just want it back for sentimental reasons…” (I thought the first sentence was too lean, and lacked the information I needed to “see” clearly. First, “rock face” turned out to be misleading—I took it to mean the face of a cliff, when it’s actually that of a boulder. Also, I had no clue as to where the arrow struck—in his back? Inches away? I would suggest something like I pressed my cheek against the boulder when the first arrow struck the slope a few inches below my feet. The next reference to “boulder” could be changed to something like “a larger rock.” And then there’s his frozen blood (a cliché) that has red and black fletching—an antecedent problem there. I know that the sentence about the robber baron is intended to let us know who’s after him, but the detail about his influence expanding didn’t seem relevant to the situation, and I’d look for another way to get his robber baron status into the narrative.)

Another arrow struck near the first, followed instantly by a third. A second archer had joined in from the parapet. Soon guards would be streaming from the main gate like insects from a disturbed hive. I scanned the horizon. Another hour of daylight, but darkness would envelope the forest beneath much sooner. The grade below was too steep for horses, a key factor in my escape plan. Voices and the clink of weapons rounded the keep. It was time. Drawing my cloak’s hood tight and clutching my prize, I made off down the slope. (Maybe it’s just me and the early hour, but I didn’t get how sounds could “round” the keep.)

Shouts rang from the parapet, followed by the hissing of arrows passing in flight , some only missing by inches. With a controlled slide and a quick-scramble, I arrived at the next refuge. My effort garnered a shower (snip) (I suggest the change in this paragraph because arrows passing would be, by definition, in flight, so those words were unnecessary, but it seemed like an opportunity to crank up the danger a little)

Nice work, Mike. Keep looking for fresh eyes to help vacuum up the nitpicks and you’re on your way.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Mike Murbach]

Christine,
First, thanks to the "it's" catch - pretty embarrassing. That's what you get for a late night's submittal :) I'm glad that you thought Kas was male - that was the intent. At the very end of the chapter I divulge her gender. She is worried about the Robber Baron's retaliation, but then realizes that he would never think a female would be capable of robbing him.

Thanks for the support,
Mike

[Mike Murbach]

hope101,

Thank you for your valuable insight. I tried writing it in the 3rd person first, but the gender concealment made the writing abrupt and halting - unlike 1st person POV. Thank you for your comments, they were very helpful.
- Mike

[Jodi]

I assumed male. Mostly because I default to the gender I prefer for main characters :-)

Jodi

[Mike Murbach]

Jodi,

Funny, I'm the same way. I actually started writing the character as male. When my daughter read the first chapter and asked a question about "her", I thought why not? Time for some girl power! Thanks again for the feedback.

-Mike

[hope101]

Mike, to clarify, I enjoy first person and I think you carried it off. It's merely that when I was looking for clues to her gender, it raised a question mark for me. But I was still uncertain by the end of the passage, so your tactic was still successful.

[Marcel]

I thought male until I saw Kas, seeing this as short for Kassandra. At that point, I read this as a female protagonist but also wondered why the author was playing coy. Or was he trying to be cute?

Why? What purpose did it serve other than to confuse the reader? Is a confused reader good? Anyway, I didn't see the need to be gimmicky. Why not let the reader know it's a female right off the bat instead of forcing the reader to redefine who the protag is at the end of the chapter? Let the reader know immediately that this isn't the typical male protag.

This bit struck me as an author who wants a pat on the back for being clever. I don't like clever authors. I prefer clever stories. Take the author out of the story.

Regardless, except for anchoring me to scene in the first paragraph (needs a tiny bit of work) and this gender ambiguity, this read well and had all the ingredients of a page turner. Very minor edits would change my "no" to a "yes."